The first girl I remember being with was when I was 4 to 6 years old. Her name was karen and she would always come over to the house and would play out in the yard and sometimes in her backyard. I had a crush on her and I remember thinking about her years afterwards, and even now. When I was 7 my parents moved to another town and I did not find as many girls to get along with, except for a few at churchschool. I hated playing sports and eventually blew all of those friends off after my father forced me to attend public school. I felt inadequate and would not play with the other children. It was at this point in time that I realized my parents did not really care about my accomplishments. My father never really cared about me and always told me that I was too young to understand anything. He had this odd nickname for me that sounded like *b@stard*. He would always make me work out in the yard and never appreciated my efforts, and when I tried to do something on my own to help out he scolded me. Nothing that I owned was important to him and he would often take things that belonged to me and often disposed of them. He would come home drunk and would get into an argument with my mother and sometimes would beat her. When I was 12, my parents seperated and my mother took me to live with my uncle, where I slept in a leaky basement for three years of my life on a couch. When I was 14,I had two girlfriends at this time who I got emotionally attached to who were sexually total sluts and broke my heart, which caused me to be skeptical of any girl that liked me. My mother also married another man who could care less for me and actually wanted to get rid of me. He would yell at me for the most idiotic things and refused to take me anywhere in his car, so I had to walk back and forth from school and anywhere else I wanted to go. He would sometimes threaten to dump me out on the street corner with my stuff, and my mother actually supported him. A short while after they were married we moved to this new house and they gave me this room with no windows that was dark all the time. I stayed out of school for the first two years that they were together and was suppose to be homeschooling, but I really just sat around all day and got malnutritioned by eating only macaroni and cheese for weeks at a time without seeing anyone and playing with my dog. When I was 15 we moved from the countryside into the city, and I signed up for public school. I would bring a bible every day to school and would read from it during lunch time. Well, this young religious girl noticed that I was reading my bible everyday and would always approach me and ask me questions about myself. She started to do this all the time, and most of them were silly obvious questions so I knew that she probably wanted me as a boyfriend. Because I was not of the same religious denomination as her and from issues from the past girls, I blew her off and avoided her every day during lunch and any other time I saw her. When I was 17 I moved out for the first time and worked on a farm out in the middle of nowhere, where I would have been lonely had it not had been for some foster girls who were being housed down the road by some friends that occasionally invited me over to their house. I would help them with their homework sometimes and they got to where they were fighting over who spent how much time with me. I actually started to feel alive for the first time in my life. Except that I went back home a year later to attend college and flunked out of school the second semester, then spent a whole year locked in my room and gained 50 pounds. My stepfather took this as a chance to get rid of me when I turned 18 and drove me three states over and dropped me off at a university.
Well, I lost the 50 pounds and learned to be relaxed and friendly, for a while, and girls were social-proofing me and telling me that I should have a girlfriend. I even had girls who would want me to be their boyfriend, but I would always tell people that I did not want a girlfriend so I can focus on my studies.
Then, I found a site called sosuave.com and realized that I had an alright, though a tad predominant passive mindset that was keeping me back. I started reading and memorizing material and applying it to my everyday life.I did this for a period of three years, repeatingly reading the bible and other articles except that about 8 months ago I decided that I would go all out and turn into an agressive jerk.
It worked right up to the point to where I was receiving blatant challenges from other men and various girls would hit on me sexually, something that did happen before hand, but only sporatically.It got to where guys were wanting to fight me and girls were wanting to screw me on a daily basis. Now, I'm not saying that this is a bad thing; if anything they go hand and hand. The only problem was that I would eventually piss off all of the girls with my behaviour and they would not like me at all. I have also lost almost all of guy friends and only a few girls still give me open sexual invitations, and I refuse to have sex with them because of the biblical stance on marriage. The problem was that I have turned more into a player than I have turned into a a ladies man. I can manipulate girls for sex and get rises out of them, but it just seems pointless if I can't find atleast someone who will be faithful, and none of the good girls want me now because of my reputation as a jerk.
I don't want to be like my father, who pretended to be religious to get a faithful wife only to stop believeing as soon as I was born, and smoked drugs and drank alcohol. Because of this, I have a horrible complex about myself and I have never been able to form good relationships with people, and would push away anyone that has ever tried to get close. My mother said that when I was really young I would never laugh or small, just look sad or cry. She said that the first time I had ever laughed was when a little puppy licked my face when I was really young, so maybe there is a connection there, I don't know. But, I crave to become close to someone, and I think I might have laughed because the puppy was showing some harmless positive affection that I had not received anywhere else. Even today, I still feel this void like no one cares for me and I often find it hard to even care about myself. I don't know what to do, I have this ****y/arrogent/sarcastic demeaner now, and it haunts me because I know that those are just false negitive forms of confidence/self-worth/warmth. The only way that I know to break any of this is to actually try to have a good relationship with someone, but who? I don't know ...
Well, I lost the 50 pounds and learned to be relaxed and friendly, for a while, and girls were social-proofing me and telling me that I should have a girlfriend. I even had girls who would want me to be their boyfriend, but I would always tell people that I did not want a girlfriend so I can focus on my studies.
Then, I found a site called sosuave.com and realized that I had an alright, though a tad predominant passive mindset that was keeping me back. I started reading and memorizing material and applying it to my everyday life.I did this for a period of three years, repeatingly reading the bible and other articles except that about 8 months ago I decided that I would go all out and turn into an agressive jerk.
It worked right up to the point to where I was receiving blatant challenges from other men and various girls would hit on me sexually, something that did happen before hand, but only sporatically.It got to where guys were wanting to fight me and girls were wanting to screw me on a daily basis. Now, I'm not saying that this is a bad thing; if anything they go hand and hand. The only problem was that I would eventually piss off all of the girls with my behaviour and they would not like me at all. I have also lost almost all of guy friends and only a few girls still give me open sexual invitations, and I refuse to have sex with them because of the biblical stance on marriage. The problem was that I have turned more into a player than I have turned into a a ladies man. I can manipulate girls for sex and get rises out of them, but it just seems pointless if I can't find atleast someone who will be faithful, and none of the good girls want me now because of my reputation as a jerk.
I don't want to be like my father, who pretended to be religious to get a faithful wife only to stop believeing as soon as I was born, and smoked drugs and drank alcohol. Because of this, I have a horrible complex about myself and I have never been able to form good relationships with people, and would push away anyone that has ever tried to get close. My mother said that when I was really young I would never laugh or small, just look sad or cry. She said that the first time I had ever laughed was when a little puppy licked my face when I was really young, so maybe there is a connection there, I don't know. But, I crave to become close to someone, and I think I might have laughed because the puppy was showing some harmless positive affection that I had not received anywhere else. Even today, I still feel this void like no one cares for me and I often find it hard to even care about myself. I don't know what to do, I have this ****y/arrogent/sarcastic demeaner now, and it haunts me because I know that those are just false negitive forms of confidence/self-worth/warmth. The only way that I know to break any of this is to actually try to have a good relationship with someone, but who? I don't know ...
