Not doingwell...need support

[Pakwah]

So ive tried to swear off talking to my ex, which ive done a good job. Been going out, having a good time. Thing is at the end of the day i still miss the companionship i had for 3 years. Even when i am out, i think - i would rather have my family under one roof - I still don't like knowing what my ex is doing - it bothers me when she tells me crap i dont want to here. It gets to me - why? Have i not moved on at all....i feel like all this dressing up, going to the bar, talking to other girls, spending money, is just a circular peg im trying to fit in a square hole. It's great at the time, but at the end of the day, im still bothered by it all. I feel i have made a few steps foward, but then just as many steps back sometimes. With Xmas and new years, i just think of her in someone elses' arms, laughing, caring, and here is me, just trivial stuff....nothing solid. Yeah i have the surrounding of more friends as of late...sex has just been sex...nothing more....it was doing the job...now i feel like its no longer. What to do??

 

[fedagent]

I've been where you are at.....this is what I've done to get past problems like this.

Pick one day, make this your greiving day, you can spend the WHOLE DAY thinking about your past, your ex, what you miss, how much fun you had etc,...When this day is done, there is no going back, you are done. You will tell yourself that you will no longer lug a bag of bricks behind you for the rest of your life.

Then, during the next week (you have to give your mind a week off for this to work, at least in my case), you take another day or even two to ask yourself, what is your life about, what do you want, who are you? And of course, take the appropriate action to make your life what you want it to be.

Note: Your answer should NEVER revolve around another person.

Good luck and Happy Holidays.

Fed

 

[Pakwah]

I've done that a few times...i have a few moments in my car driving....and being happy cuz i will have plans from Thursday - Sunday night every night. I plan ahead, do things, and i have my bad days. I was surprised that even after being in a relationship for 3 years, i went to the bar like i didn't miss a beat. I feel that i cant give my wholeself to someone new yet cuz i am not over my old relationship - but on the other hand, maybe i need someone new to spend time with and grow with them. But i also know i should want someone not need them. I have alot, alot, of hate towards my ex still for breaking up the family, hating that if she just made half the effort for us, then her new hobbies, maybe we could have worked things out. I have 'girlfriends' but no one i would want to persue a relationship with. As for the bag of bricks...i thought i was over alot, then all it takes is a song, or a movie, or a thought, or an idea, or a word, and all of it floods back at that moment.

 

[fedagent]

If you've done that, then you haven't stuck with it. You have to force yourself to stop thinking about her.

Would you really want to be in a relationship with someone who cares so little for you? Don't you think you deserve better?

If you have hate, then do the worst thing you could possibly do to this girl. Leave her life forever and live the life of your dreams.

 

[Fortunate_Juan]

That's rough man. I went through the same thing with my ex (before I found this site). We dated for 2 and a half years. It's fine that you don't like other dudes movin in on your sh!t, you're human. I can't really do much for you to get her out of your head, but thats what you need to do. Thing is, even if you end up with her again, chances are very good it wont be the same. Maybe you can work it out, but its not usually the case. And if its not ever going to be the same, it's wasteful to think about what could have been, focus on what can be.

You got any hobbies you should focus on? It sounds like you need a break from clubbin (if that's what you're doin) I like hittin on girls in different places, maybe try some place physical like a rock climbing wall or something.

 

[Pakwah]

you know. if 2morrow she asked for me back, i would say no, she has too much drama and issues in her life. I think the only reason im starting to think about her again, is the going out, coffee, talking to other girls, was good for a while, but now its starting to leave me feeling empty. I have been working out, tanning (yeah yeah some people can knock me for that one), dressing sharper. At first it felt weird being so dressy, now its how i dress all the time. But now, im starting to feel the same as i was on day one, even with all these improvements. What kept my mind busy is now wearing off. I could have plans all week and she tells me one thing about her life, a dinner with her bf's parents, or an xmas party shes going to for example...and it bugs the **** out of me. I know i am doing the same, if not more than her, and yet.....I don't like it. I like my plain Jane, girl next door kind of girl....right now i am sooo picky on who i find attractive. Was at the bar on Saturday and seen only one girl i thought was cute.....like what the hell?

 

[Fortunate_Juan]

Why are you still talking to her? I have no clue what my ex gf is doing, couldn't care less really what she is doing. I see her now and again, we chat. It's nothing major. I can only give you advice if you're working on it, sounds like you want to still be with her. What's happened though is you've crossed a bridge and it's been burned, you CANT GO BACK. Your only option is to go farther. You shouldn't rely on girls to fill your emptiness, girls don't come to someone empty.

 

[Pakwah]

The only reason i talk to her, one reason only, is we have a son together. So either on msn, or on the phone, we talk about our son, and who gets him when (he's 2) and i try to keep it at that. I am extremely rude at times, other times not. Conversations are kept to a minimum and I can always count on her throwing something in there I don't want to hear.

 

[insanity]

thats gotta suck pakwah. just make conversation to a minimum. whats really bothering you is she has gotten on with her life and you are still in the past. play her same game. talk great about the women you have met. even if you have to have a make believe chick. that will shut her up. i'm sure if she was single and you had a girlfriend this girl would annoy the hell out of you always calling about your kid and even alot of times contacting you for nothing.

i know you have a connection with the child and all, but nowadays women seem to move on in life even with kids. she is out tasting the world. trust me, when you meet a girl and are happy and spending alot of time with her, your ex will bother the hell out of you. i have seen men move on with other girls and the exs seem to turn into jerry springer guests.

 

[Fortunate_Juan]

Well it seems like you are going to be stuck interacting with this chick for about 16 more years (at the very least) you might as well try and smooth things over, dont turn in to a wuss, but I wouldnt be rude to her on purpose. She's telling you stuff you don't want to hear cuz she knows it gets ya, she must want to hurt you still, don't give her a reason to want to hurt you. If she's a vindictive beach, I don't know what to tell you.

Here, consider your relationship to her like a business relationship, your mutual interest (son) and getting the best return for your dollar (raising him right). Since you are contractually bound (parents) you don't have a choice, as partners in your mutual interest you should try to be amicable.

 

[Pakwah]

When i am rude to her....she knows why. It's cuz i am still mad that she decided other things were more important than her families. And i also said to her i never wanted my kid to have parents under different roofs. It's not so much her i am mad at, but the situation she decided to put me in. I wish sometimes when my dreams died, she did to. I hate the fact that nowadays its easier to break up with someone than it is to work on the problems. I felt she took the easy way out and instead of working on the 'problems' she had, she decided not to do anything, break up with me, and continue to do what she was doing.

 

[insanity]

she unleashed the first blow by dumping you. usually the first person dumped is left with issues and it makes it quite difficult to move on. thats why women are the masters of moving on. they easily attract other mates with the wink of an eye. it's only going to get harder the more you interact with this girl, but you really have no choice. it's good that your not a deadbeat dad. but even women who complain about those guys are still in love with them. go figure.

they'll be a day when you do meet a great woman and your ex will hound you all the time about when you gonna babysit, how come you don't talk to me as much anymore.... i thought we were friends. it must be very difficult the situation your in right now. you eventually be fine though

 

[Fortunate_Juan]

I can understand why you're frustrated. But being upset with the situation you're in is about as effective as being mad at the rain. If you don't like the weather, move. Figure out the root of your problem, (which I am sure you know already) and do what you can to change it or make it better.

 

[Last Man Standing]

The only reason i talk to her, one reason only, is we have a son together. .

What you should worry about is what dudes are around your son for the next 20 years and not worry about her!!! Did you get a DNA test?? Your futures are tied together forever due to the child -- get used to it!!

What you are feeling is natural - just don't be obsessed about it!

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

The only reason i talk to her, one reason only, is we have a son together. So either on msn, or on the phone, we talk about our son, and who gets him when (he's 2) and i try to keep it at that. I am extremely rude at times, other times not. Conversations are kept to a minimum and I can always count on her throwing something in there I don't want to hear.

Exactly how much time had you spent decompressing to change from one lifestyle to another?

 

[Pakwah]

Well we were split for about 3 months, still hung out, i still slept over sometimes, to see my son. But its been about a month. I thought i made good on moving on, thing is, i can no longer enter my old home with her. I meet her at the door, take my son and go. Thats what screwed me over, cuz she would still give me a hug and kiss and that even while broken up. Then i hear she met someone...the hugs and kisses i was thinking were sort of a sign that 'yes we are broken up - but just give me some time and maybe we'll try again'. So im also mad at that. Plus the holidays are making it more rough on me even though i have plans xmas, boxing day and new years...still cant help but think about her. To me the less i know about what she is doing the better i am.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Well we were split for about 3 months, still hung out, i still slept over sometimes, to see my son. But its been about a month. I thought i made good on moving on, thing is, i can no longer enter my old home with her. I meet her at the door, take my son and go. Thats what screwed me over, cuz she would still give me a hug and kiss and that even while broken up. Then i hear she met someone...the hugs and kisses i was thinking were sort of a sign that 'yes we are broken up - but just give me some time and maybe we'll try again'. So im also mad at that. Plus the holidays are making it more rough on me even though i have plans xmas, boxing day and new years...still cant help but think about her. To me the less i know about what she is doing the better i am.

Hate to tell you this but your actions are not that of someone who has split. You're experiencing the traumas of a man who's in a relationship with a woman he feels might be seeing someone behind his back, what's worse is that now you feel as if you've been kicked out of your own home. In a nutshell, in the hopes of keeping everything "natural" for the sake of being a father to your son, you're neglecting that you are are no longer a husband.

You and your ex had been doing things that are considered intimate and not just friendly. You hung out, slept over and showed affection to one another, this isn't a good thing for a guy to do when he's broken up with his ex. Women are typically more adapt with being "overly cordial" without having deep rooted feelings attached to their actions. Men on the other hand see these actions as a connection. Think of a guy who just meets a woman, there's mutual attraction (so it seems) and kino yet she doesn't give him her number or a date. She just does what's necessary to get through the event.

My suggestion to you is to continue to do the things that a father does for his son but cease any and all actions that a husband does for a wife. I hate this term with a passion but now your ex is nothing more than "your baby's momma."

True, you have a history together and many fond memories but understand that you are in a different time and place, stop acting as if you weren't. This especially means that you need to stop following your ex's life, it doesn't concern you any more. Your "family life" from the past should only concern you being a father to your son in the present.

Your goal is transition from being a husband into being a single father. Understand that this isn't defining your future, just your present. This transition will make it easier for you to move into other relationships if you choose to. Attempting to jump into a typical "single guy" mode now will continue to cause you headaches since you haven't stepped out of your husband mode. This is the source of your current internal conflict.

 

[kyphan]

Pakwah, I do not miss my ex of over 2 years one iota. I definitely miss having someone to come home to and all the little things that vanish when breaking up with someone I lived with. Most days things move along well, but not every day. What's even harder is having met someone I really dug and now it looks like she might have disappeared on me. Most dates are mediocre, at best, and this girl was awesome. Hopefully she's just busy....

There's a reason they're called "growing pains." It's painful to grow in many ways, whether it's the physical burn from working out or the emotional/psychological pain trying new things. Francisco is right, you need to reframe your life and understand that things are over between you and her and you must move on. It will suck doing this, but you'll never grow and become the person you should be if you do not. You'll be stuck in a tough spot forever.

Now get up, regroup, and take it one step at a time. You'll find your way soon enough.

 

[Last Man Standing]

Hate to tell you this but your actions are not that of someone who has split. You're experiencing the traumas of a man who's in a relationship with a woman he feels might be seeing someone behind his back, what's worse is that now you feel as if you've been kicked out of your own home. In a nutshell, in the hopes of keeping everything "natural" for the sake of being a father to your son, you're neglecting that you are are no longer a husband.

You and your ex had been doing things that are considered intimate and not just friendly. You hung out, slept over and showed affection to one another, this isn't a good thing for a guy to do when he's broken up with his ex. Women are typically more adapt with being "overly cordial" without having deep rooted feelings attached to their actions. Men on the other hand see these actions as a connection. Think of a guy who just meets a woman, there's mutual attraction (so it seems) and kino yet she doesn't give him her number or a date. She just does what's necessary to get through the event.

My suggestion to you is to continue to do the things that a father does for his son but cease any and all actions that a husband does for a wife. I hate this term with a passion but now your ex is nothing more than "your baby's momma."

True, you have a history together and many fond memories but understand that you are in a different time and place, stop acting as if you weren't. This especially means that you need to stop following your ex's life, it doesn't concern you any more. Your "family life" from the past should only concern you being a father to your son in the present.

Your goal is transition from being a husband into being a single father. Understand that this isn't defining your future, just your present. This transition will make it easier for you to move into other relationships if you choose to. Attempting to jump into a typical "single guy" mode now will continue to cause you headaches since you haven't stepped out of your husband mode. This is the source of your current internal conflict.

Francisco, with that "on point" analysis and advice you are starting to sound like PuertoRican_Lover!!

 

[Pakwah]

Like i said, i try and keep all conversations to a minimum. I dont want to know about her life, don't want to know what she is doing or going. I know that its not a competition but I can't help but think how the holidays will be so much better for her as she has someone to spend them with. I dont spend all day like this, most of my day is good. I don't want to follow my ex's life. However, I do want my son. I just want the holidays to pass, and for me to continue with my life...my gym membership...getting a tattoo of my sons name, keep buying the clothes, ill fish a few girls out. I just try to think that my time will come....come to think of it today, every guy any of my ex's dated after me never worked out. So thats sort of good.....hope the trend continues.