Noob changing ways, needs quick advice...

[RazedNegative]

Hey guys, I've been lurkin around here and reading through the DJB on occasion, and have decided to make some big changes in my attitude/confidence.

I don't really have the time to explain the whole situation in detail, but I need some advice fairly fast on what to do in this situation. I work with a girl who is way older than me, but is a total HB 9. Somehow we sort of hit it off because we have alot of the same interests and ideas, and get along very good, on a FRIENDLY level (apparently.) We have gone out twice now alone, and I was very hesitant with the kino and physicality. I'm pretty sure she now considers me a friend, and I'm attempting to change that if possible. There are definite signs of interest from her, which I can talk about later. Anyway, back to the question. I decided to call her up last night and ask her out for tonight, Saturday. She didnt answer, I left a very brief message, saying I called to see if she wanted to go out tmrw night. She called back shortly thereafter and talked my ear off like she has in the past. After about an hour and a half I said, "Im not trying to be a ****, but I gotta cut you short, weve been on the phone for an hour and a half, and I have to go. So are you down to go out tomorrow night?" - "I dunno." - In a joking way, "What the **** do you mean you don't know?" - "A girlfriend of mine wants to go out tmrw night I think, but what did you have in mind?" - I told her the two plan options and she said "Well, I'll definitly give you a call tomorrow and let you know."

Now from what I read and learned so far, I think I should definitly shoot this down for tonight right? Meaning, if she calls me back today and says yes, shouldn't I have some excuse or decline, saying I had made other plans? Or do I go along with it? Do I maybe just not answer at all?

I DO want to attempt to get into a relationship with this woman, but I don't think shes catching on that I want to DATE her, not just be in the friend zone. I might have already dug myself into the friend zone too deep. We'll have to see.

Any advice?

PS: We went out last weekend, because she txt'd me on the phone and asked if I wanted to go have a few drinks. We had a nice time, but it ended real friendly, with a hug and a "thanks for hangin out".

Whats my next move here players?

 

[Sean O]

Welcome to the boards, bro.

Now from what I read and learned so far, I think I should definitly shoot this down for tonight right? Meaning, if she calls me back today and says yes, shouldn't I have some excuse or decline, saying I had made other plans? Or do I go along with it? Do I maybe just not answer at all?

First of all, never leave it up to the girl to call you back. Next time, say something like, "Nah, it would be better if I called you; I can be hard to get a hold of sometimes."

Second, as far as the friend zone thing goes...

http://www.sosuave.com/articles/platonic.htm
http://www.sosuave.com/articles/escaping.htm

Third, as far as whether to accept or decline goes... I'd suggest not picking up at all if she does call. Then, regardless of whether she does or not, call her one or two days later to explain that your friends "practically dragged you out of the house to go clubbing/drinking/whatever with them" on that night. If she asks who you were with or asks you how it went, mention that one or two of these friends were girls (you'll have to tell a story if she just asks how it went).

Once that's out of the way, suggest that you two do something some other time, but don't try to set something up just yet; save that for a few days later when you call her. Of course, if she suggests a day when she's free, feel free to make plans for that day (assuming you're free on that day also).

 

[RazedNegative]

Hey man, thanks for the welcome and the quick advice. I think I'll probably go with the not answering thing. I need to make sure she knows that I'm not gonna be some puppy dog waiting around for her ass to go out with me. Pretty sure my game plan will be to not answer/respond to txt's, and then when I see her Monday at work just be like "Hey, I ended up having to go out with an old friend of mine from school Saturday night cuz I figured you were gonna be busy anyway. Maybe next weekend we can hook up."

After that, I'll back off again and let her make an approach. That worked before with this one, I kept distance at work and didnt make any outside contact for about 3 weeks, and she eventually broke and called me.

EDIT: Let me also note, that link about Escaping the Friend Zone is fantastic!

 

[RazedNegative]

Haha, turns out I didn't need to worry about not answering because as of now she hasnt called yet. Sort of a good thing imo, that way I don't have to come up with some reason why I didnt answer or want to go out with her. Should I take this as a sign of total uninterest? Or should I look at it more as a test?

Let me give you guys a little bit of background information on this one particular subject. Shes literally 20 years older than me ( I know I know, wtf am I thinking. You would all guess early 30's instead of 40's. Appearance and attitude-wise.) We work at the same place, her in the office, and me in the shop. We only have contact during work like 3 or 4 times a day, less if Im trying to distance myself. Her mother was ill since she started working there, and after a while, became gravely ill. Somehow I ended up always "being there" for her and generally being the "nice guy." (Probably my downfall.) I asked her out 2 or 3 times and she declined because of how close to death her mother is which was true, so I didn't take it as rejection. We ended up on the phone a couple times for hours on end, mostly her talking about her mother and all about her past. We seemed to hit it off real well. Her mom eventually passed and I was there to help her through it. She even has told me that, that I helped her get through this very much so, etc etc. We ended up spending a day together about a month and a half ago cuz she wanted to get a tattoo in memory of her mother, had a great day. Ending wasnt so great, we both got way too drunk, and to make a long story short she left the bar we ended up at with 2 guys (whom wanted to take me too, but I was stubborn and refused, I was too drunk to drive). After that night I distanced myself for a while, still remained friendly at work, but nothing outside. She contacted me one Saturday just to bull**** a bit cuz her daughter was having friends over for her birthday and they were annoying her etc. Again, without going into too many details to bore the hell out of everyone, we ended up going out last weekend to see a band she likes, because she txt'd me and asked if I wanted to go have a few drinks. It was nice, we had a good time, but it was total friendzone. Not much kino, if any at all except for a few times when I would put my hand on her lower back or brush against her. At the end of the night I was planning on making a move, so I got out of my car and walked up to her house with her. Talked for about a minute, and realized it wasnt gonna happen as she was staying a bit distanced from me. Thats when the "Thanks for hanging out, I had fun." hug thing happened.

My question to you guys is, should I totally next this one? Or is there a chance to still swing the momentum in my way, after her not calling me today/tonight?

I mean, when have you heard of a woman in her early 40's wanting to just be "friends" with a guy in his mid 20's? Im confident enough that I feel she definitly wants to have sex with me, but her actions confuse me.

Im pretty inexperienced with the whole dating/relationship thing, which is why I've been reading up alot. I know from what most of the things ive read I should just drop it, avoid contact with her except in a work related fashion, and move on. That's really hard for me to do for some reason in this situation, because I am genuinly attracted to her, not only physically, but mentally too. (NOTE: Shes friggin bangin hot and I would love to tear it up )

Any discussion/insight/advice/ideas/and or questions are very appreciated and welcomed from me.

 

[Desdinova]

Any discussion/insight/advice/ideas/and or questions are very appreciated and welcomed from me.

Simple. Don't stick your dink in the company ink. You'll regret it if things don't work out.

 

[RazedNegative]

Simple. Don't stick your dink in the company ink. You'll regret it if things don't work out.

Very true, I've thought about that. I looked at it 2 ways, let's say it works out, and we end up hooking up. That would make work awkward for a while. And if it DIDNT work out, it was be even more awkward. Awkward either way. I have a little bit of a case of oneitis with this chick tho, which is why its making it hard for me to totally give up. I'm quite persistant, not in a clingy way tho. I'm just always looking for my next move, kinda like chess.

 

[RazedNegative]

Let me throw another question out here for you guys to help with. I havn't made a solid decision yet about trying to get in a relationship with this woman other than friendship, but I DO know I want to bang her. No doubt. So with that said, and known, what do I do if she attempts to contact me this coming weekend to "hang out"? I have a feeling that may happen, since it happened before already. I don't know if what happened yesterday is a flake out, but it is pretty disrespectful in my opinion and thats not cool.

I want a type of revenge almost, but not to the point of ruining any chances. Don't want to burn bridges you know? I know I will not attempt to contact her outside of work, once you say no and or don't follow up for any reason, I'm done chasing. It's your move now. So lets say she txt/calls me next weekend and asks what im doing and if I want to go out....whats my best course of action? Agree, and up the kino/flirtiness and make a move? Or decline, say I'm busy, and see what happens? She seems pretty good at calling bull****, just like me. I'm worried that if I decline her invitation, for the sole purpose of having the power, that I will ruin any slim chance I have of getting what I want.

 

[RazedNegative]

Not so much of a bump, as an update.

Distanced myself alot from her today at work, didn't joke around with her much and talk as "friends" like usual. She seemed to notice it too, because once or twice when I went in the office for paperwork stuff, I noticed her look at me a few times. I still bet that she will eventually break and ask me out again like before, but I'm getting conflicting advice whether or not to accept. Some guys say, yeah, do it, and others say no, f*** that and move on. I don't really want to move on, because that feels like failure to me, and when I still see a chance, I get stubborn. I think I need to work on that.

 

[4th]

What i have learned in 3 years

I haven't learned much except as looking at dating like a house, and every girl is a window... Now you have one window... not good BECAUSE think about what will happen if what you hoped for doesn't happen? You'll feel like crap, and that window will break... Soooo my advice to you, weather you find it good or not thats up to you to decide , GET some reserves, find one other chick you can have an intrest in and be prepared because if you ask me you aren't and you gonna feel like crap for a long while if it dont work out.

Anyway good luck with the girl and don't have revenge plans bad idea, did that too once, she hates me now ... Sorry if i didn't answer any questions... but warnings are helpfull too no?

 

[RazedNegative]

4th I appriciate the response man, and agree with most of it. I know the general consensus is to just pass on this one, and move on. Its just my leftover AFC'ness that is keeping me from doing that I guess. I would rather exhaust all my options on making this one work, and THEN move on, then the other way around, even tho that isnt the best course probably.

 

[4th]

maybe you shouldn't pass on her but just let her rest for a while, might have benefits in both directions, she might gain intrest in you and you might lose some(if youre more intrested in her than she is in you youre in the weaker position ) so like i posted earlier, just find some more girls, hang out, have some fun, laugh in the middle of the night louder than you would at daytime, just live your life and stop looking outta that one window , you can get plenty more with good views.

if you still think you should drop her, just try to be friends unless you think that will keep you stuck on her, i had that problem once ain't fun. You'll figure out whats best good luck