Non-exclusive girlfriend "caught" talking with her ex when she had said they've stopped talking

[Fela Kuti]

Hello,

First of all, pardon my English if it's confusing. So I've been dating this girl for 2 months, we're not exclusive yet but things are already intense, so to speak, we're basically gf/bf without the label. Last month all of a sudden she told me that a few days before she met casually with her ex of 2 years (they broke up about a month before we started dating), and they posted a selfie together on her instagram (which I'm not following). She thought it's harmless but then the next day the ex sent her a song that implied he still had a feeling. She didn't want to give him hope on so she asked for them to stop talking and he agreed.

She said that the reason she told me this was because she didn't want me finding out the meeting and the selfie from someone else and getting the wrong notion about them. I implied that I wasn't comfortable seeing the selfie but said I appreciate her telling me that and I don't suspect anything about them (which I really didn't).

Fast forward to yesterday, I was missing her because we rarely talked the past 3 days because she's busy so I checked out her Facebook (we're not friends) to see how she's doing. Then I discovered last week she uploaded an album of video chat screenshots between them. And apparently she hasn't changed her relationship status (which was fine with me before because I thought it's just a fb status, but now it irks me considering the selfie and the album).

Maybe I don't have the right to be upset since we're not exclusive but consider this: 1. with the album she contradicts two things she said last month: they've stopped talking and she doesn't want to give him hope. 2. she should have known that I'd be uncomfortable if I see the album but she still posted it. To me this indicates lack of respect and consideration (not that I demand them).

Obviously I shouldn't express that I'm upset or demand that they stop talking, but to be honest I can't be with someone who still hasn't get over her ex completely. So I'm just planning to say something like "you had all the rights to post the album but considering what we talked about last month it's only natural that I think about things. just know that I don't feel comfortable dating someone who still has something with her ex so if that's the case it's better for me to back off for now."

What's your say?

 

[Harry Wilmington]

It's called "leverage," my friend.

During the first 3 months of dating someone, since they are not the girlfriend yet they can technically do whatever they want, and so can you. However, any actions you don't like from the girl are perfectly acceptable to bring up when she starts asking to make things official.

The worst thing you can do is tell a girl what she can or can't do because she's going to (a) resist it, or worse - (b) do more of the action you don't want her to do. However, what you CAN do is let her know that if she wants to keep doing certain actions it's in her right to do so, but you're not going to give her a title as long as she does.

Here's an example of what I mean: in your situation, let's say the selfies with the ex are bothering you. Throwing a fit about it won't help your cause. BUT, let's say you get to the 3 month mark with this girl, which is around the time they start saying things like "so what are we?" or "where are we going with this thing?"

When she brings up those phrases, it means she's ready to be the girlfriend. BUT, you don't just hop in and say "yes" - you negotiate first what you want and don't want. Here's an example of how this convo would go in this situation:

HER: So, just curious... what are we?
YOU: (Playing dumb) What do you mean?
HER: I mean, we've been going out for a while, and I just wanted to see where your head was at with us...
YOU: (Getting to the point of what she's trying to say passively) Are you implying you want to be my girlfriend officially? (which, btw: just because you're dating "intensely" doesn't mean she's the girlfriend. So don't act like it until she actually is)
HER: Well, maybe...

At this point, this is when you start asking her what that would mean, i.e. letting her know what you would and would not like...

YOU: Well, let's talk about it then - if you were the girlfriend, would I still get to have the occasional guys night out?
HER: Absolutely!
YOU: And will we still be going out at least twice a week?
HER: Sure!

And then, here comes the part where you bring up the pics:

YOU: Okay... so, if we're dating, does this mean you'll be removing the pics of the ex-bf on (social media accounts she has him on) to make room for new pics with me?
HER: Um...

Now, depending on how she answers, you respond accordingly. If she says yes:

HER: Sure, no problem!
YOU: Okay, great then! (Continue on with negotiations, eventually say yes)

If she starts an argument about it or tries to defend the pics:

HER: I don't see why I should, they're from a long time ago, and they're just pics...

Remember, you don't tell her what to do - you just tell her what you're NOT going to do, which is give her a title:

YOU: Ah, okay then - well, let's just keep things the way they are for now then.

At this point, she'll probably still try to defend the pics. And you just let her know:

YOU: Hey, if you want to keep them up, you do what you want to do. In the meantime, let's just keep things the way they are for now.

And that's it - if that doesn't cause her to take the pics down, drop her and find someone else. Hope this helps!

 

[Fela Kuti]

Thank you, but that's with the assumption that she'll ask the question and there's no certainty when. Until then, can't I do anything about it? At least on the basis that she has shown clear contradictions/inconsistencies between her words and actions.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

A girl that likes you enough to date you for a regular amount of time will ALWAYS ask this question. The problem most guys have is they don't trust that it will happen, so they interrupt the process by asking the girl what their status is. However, this makes you look less masculine to her since a confident man would already know he had her in the pocket. And again - around the 3 to 4 month mark is when a woman will naturally ask this. In the meantime, monitor her actions and look for other inconsistencies. Also, since you two aren't technically BF/GF it's still in your right to be dating other people. And if she find out you're doing so, it actually makes it EASIER to get her to the GF stage - all you'll have to do is say, "Well, I didn't know if you were serious about us since you were still posting up pics with your ex-bf, so I figured you were keeping your options open and that I needed to do the same. Are you saying that's not the case?" and then go from there.

 

[Lozboss]

"Love someone in such a way that they feel free" - Corey Wayne. Translation: Forcing or pushing a woman only pushes them away.

I would slowly deprioritise this girl and realize that this is probably not going anywhere. Keep as a plate but only see her once a week. However, you NEED to have options and date other people.

Harry knows his stuff- he's 100% right on both posts.

I would start taking much longer to reply to her texts/whatsapps (I'd even read them so she sees you've read them and wait ages to respond). SHOW her subtly that if she misbehaves then you aren't going to stand for it.

 

[Fela Kuti]

"Love someone in such a way that they feel free" - Corey Wayne. Translation: Forcing or pushing a woman only pushes them away.

I would slowly deprioritise this girl and realize that this is probably not going anywhere. Keep as a plate but only see her once a week. However, you NEED to have options and date other people.

Harry knows his stuff- he's 100% right on both posts.

I would start taking much longer to reply to her texts/whatsapps (I'd even read them so she sees you've read them and wait ages to respond). SHOW her subtly that if she misbehaves then you aren't going to stand for it.

but without bringing up the problem she wouldn't know what i'm "punishing" her for. moreover, I'm not her Facebook friend so she probably assumes I didn't see the pic.

 

[Lozboss]

You aren't punishing- you are showing her that if she doesn't play by the rules you aren't interested in engaging.

She may confront you about being cold- this is when you can bring it up sensibly or just tell her straight ("i'm not going to prioritize someone in my life who is still interested in their Ex")