No "the talk"

[wifehunter]

This has happened twice now... You like her, she likes you. You might want a relationship, but want more information, she automatically assumes you're hers.

You're flattered but...

There's no terms, no exclusivity talk, no agreements, no adult discussion. It seems like a pretend relationship and feels like quicksand.

It also seems one sided, and couldn't last for long.

Thoughts???

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

There's no terms, no exclusivity talk, no agreements, no adult discussion. It seems like a pretend relationship and feels like quicksand.

I don't see the problem. Well, actually I do; it's in your own mind: no terms, no exclusivity, no agreements, no talk. What's the problem? Just the way you 'feel'.

Two points:

1) If you don't like the circumstances, change them up, if you're seeing her too often, start making excuses. Do not explicate; demonstrate.

2) If you fell uncomfortable, but can't pinpoint it, it's time to start evaluating the whole arrangement. Trust your gut, scan your body and mind for tension and you'll work it out pretty quickly.

 

[Roober]

Make it clear that your doing other things until she brings up the "relationship" talk? She can assume all she wants, but if you guys never really discussed it, the doors are still open for both of you.

 

[dude99]

This has happened twice now... You like her, she likes you. You might want a relationship, but want more information, she automatically assumes you're hers.

You're flattered but...

There's no terms, no exclusivity talk, no agreements, no adult discussion. It seems like a pretend relationship and feels like quicksand.

It also seems one sided, and couldn't last for long.

Thoughts???

Her job is to focus on a relationship. Not yours. You do and carry on with your business spin plates and until it is mutually agreed on you are not in a relationship

 

[wifehunter]

I don't see the problem. Well, actually I do; it's in your own mind: no terms, no exclusivity, no agreements, no talk. What's the problem? Just the way you 'feel'.

Two points:

1) If you don't like the circumstances, change them up, if you're seeing her too often, start making excuses. Do not explicate; demonstrate.

2) If you fell uncomfortable, but can't pinpoint it, it's time to start evaluating the whole arrangement. Trust your gut, scan your body and mind for tension and you'll work it out pretty quickly.

Yeah, I'm just going with the flow at this point. Maybe when they feel that I have other options, there'll be more communication.

 

[wifehunter]

Her job is to focus on a relationship. Not yours. You do and carry on with your business spin plates and until it is mutually agreed on you are not in a relationship

Good call!!!, I was starting to feel sucked in to something. I just went with it, for awhile.
Plate spinning is definitely on the menu.

 

[Roober]

Brings up the question though... do some women just assume couples are exclusive, or does there actually need to be a "talk"? Talked with my mom the other day about dating girls and she was like your going to hurt women. I was like, if we never really talk about it, how am I hurting them? Just because your having secks, doesn't mean she is the only one?

 

[wifehunter]

Brings up the question though... do some women just assume couples are exclusive, or does there actually need to be a "talk"? Talked with my mom the other day about dating girls and she was like your going to hurt women. I was like, if we never really talk about it, how am I hurting them? Just because your having secks, doesn't mean she is the only one?

Yes, it's interesting. They do get hurt. They don't realize, that an agreement must be made, and there is no relatonship without communication.

But, on the other hand... are they, by assuming, bringing exclusivity/relationship up in an indirect/round about way?

 

[Roober]

Yes, it's interesting. They do get hurt. They don't realize, that an agreement must be made, and there is no relatonship without communication.

But, on the other hand... are they, by assuming, bringing exclusivity up in an indirect/round about way?

Definitely something to wonder about. I made the mistake with my ex about asking for it. I was like... "so we're not seeing other people too, are we?" She gave me this look like I was an idiot. In her mind, we were a couple already and it was only me and her even though we had never talked about it. She told me she loved me, so I guess that is where the assumption came in...

I suppose women will assume if you spend all your time with them. If you have time and are busy doing "other things", they will likely wonder and want to talk about it. I am new to this and haven't ever really dated multiple women, so I don't really know how that dynamic works. I would be willing to bet it is different for all women. Some will assume, others will not. I am curious on other perspectives...

Do you need to be clear up front? seems like a total buzzkill...

 

[wifehunter]

Definitely something to wonder about. I made the mistake with my ex about asking for it. I was like... "so we're not seeing other people too, are we?" She gave me this look like I was an idiot. In her mind, we were a couple already and it was only me and her even though we had never talked about it. She told me she loved me, so I guess that is where the assumption came in...

I suppose women will assume if you spend all your time with them. If you have time and are busy doing "other things", they will likely wonder and want to talk about it. I am new to this and haven't ever really dated multiple women, so I don't really know how that dynamic works. I would be willing to bet it is different for all women. Some will assume, others will not. I am curious on other perspectives...

Do you need to be clear up front? seems like a total buzzkill...

I think the whole situation is begging the question... "sweety, are you trying to nail me down and get all exclusive?"

It's kinda funny

 

[Roober]

I think the whole situation is begging the question... "sweety, are you trying to nail me down and get all exclusive?"

It's kinda funny

Agreed! I think it depends on her perspective of your value. If she thinks you have options, she will have the "talk". If she knows you don't have anything else going on, she is more likely to assume? Professions of love are likely going to lead to exclusive assumptions.... I dunno though...

 

[wifehunter]

Agreed! I think it depends on her perspective of your value. If she thinks you have options, she will have the "talk". If she knows you don't have anything else going on, she is more likely to assume? Professions of love are likely going to lead to exclusive assumptions.... I dunno though...

Interesting...so if having options opens up clear communication... the best course of action is to spin plates.

...and if she gets all heartbroken, hamster wheels spinning, etc. She'll try to proactively lock you into something, instead of going the passive route.

"Competition anxiety" is your friend.

I like it when things are clear and straightforward. My life is already difficult.

 

[ubercat]

@Roober +1
I think the talk is essential. it's basically her admitting that you are a high value man with options. I was a bit flaky when starting out with my current girlfriend because I was juggling a Filipino and a Malaysian chick. later on the girlfriend told me she knew they always know.

I think if you don't create the competition anxiety and let it get away without the talk you have a much weaker foundation.

 

[Roober]

@Roober +1
I think the talk is essential. it's basically her admitting that you are a high value man with options. I was a bit flaky when starting out with my current girlfriend because I was juggling a Filipino and a Malaysian chick. later on the girlfriend told me she knew they always know.

I think if you don't create the competition anxiety and let it get away without the talk you have a much weaker foundation.

Well, I think the question is... what if they never ask? Do some women just assume once you have secks or proclamations of love?

I agree on being open and communicating about it, but if that conversation never comes up, is it safe to assume you are still "single"?

 

[ubercat]

Absolutely. U plate until she pushes for the talk. DJ 101 it is the man's job to push for sex, the woman's job to push for a relationship.

 

[Roober]

Absolutely. U plate until she pushes for the talk. DJ 101 it is the man's job to push for sex, the woman's job to push for a relationship.

So if she says she loves you and your having great secks, spending time together... you are still single until she brings it up?

 

[ubercat]

Yes

 

[CMNILS87]

Absolutely. U plate until she pushes for the talk. DJ 101 it is the man's job to push for sex, the woman's job to push for a relationship.

Had this talk with a plate twice now. Shot her down both times saying I can't full commit to a relationship because of time investment. She's still hanging out with me twice a week for hot sex.

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

Yeah it's happened to me once. I just did whatever I wanted to and over time she stopped trying and let a lot of her true qualities show that absolutely digusted me so I stopped doing the subtle things that kept her attracted to me i.e. hugging her/holding her a certain way (she would lay against me and hold me, I wouldn't hold her though, or if I did it wasn't tight), stopped doing sexual activities with her because I wanted to actually do STUFF that was fun and exhilarating (usually with friends), lost 100% ALL tolerance for her petty bs, and stopped paying for small things or for dates (the cheap cvnt never payed me back either). In other words I guess I became 'too alpha' in a sense.

Truthfully, it was good for me to get the experience and confirm what I already knew, but I am completely and utterly disgusted with her now, she wasn't like that before. She was the one who broke up with me; I could have and wanted to but wanted to see how relationships turn out in scenarios such as mine so that in the future I could rely on my gut instinct for guidance on how to act/what to do based on this experience. Specifically in the case of having her end it instead of me, I now know that my instinct was right when I felt the relationship coming to an end. I knew exactly what I needed to do to keep her and I chose not to do it. Perfectly happy with my decision too; good riddance haha. She sent me a text: "Hey I think we should break up" and then she said why. I replied with "lol same bye"

feelsgoodman.jpg

 

[dude99]

Brings up the question though... do some women just assume couples are exclusive, or does there actually need to be a "talk"? Talked with my mom the other day about dating girls and she was like your going to hurt women. I was like, if we never really talk about it, how am I hurting them? Just because your having secks, doesn't mean she is the only one?

If they assume you are exclusive without it being ageeed upon that is their problem.

Treating all girls the same making them see you as the prize keeps them in your frame.