No oneitis - no girl?

[Rettie]

Damn.
This post turned out longer than I thought... The point of it is - I lost a great girl in what could've been a great relationship on (her) account of me being great, pure 10, even skilled and smooth... but not in love with her, not seeing the way she's unique.
And this shaked my world. I know real well that when a girl honestly says that the feeling isn't there that I fluked and there's nothing there is to it... but not being in love with her the only turn off?
That shook me to the core. This was a great, mature, intelligent girl. And it went great all the way... but she said that I'm not the one for her and that she's not the one for me... not the horsecrap b****** throw before they go screw another guy.
She mentioned that "I wasn't in love with her, but with the idea of being in love".... which is what I thought a DJ is all about - being a charismatic, giving, attractive male that takes pleasure in making things fun and pleasurable to people - and receives back just as much... (alright - I watched too much "Don Juan De Marco", so sue me).
How can that not be enough? I wanted to share interesting experiences with her, share only the best times and not demmand anything, let her feel free and reward her when she's good to me... How can that not be enough? How does that turn a woman off? Not enough of a challenge?



If there are DJs here that have a great comment on this - I'd love to hear it. Even if it included bashing.

In case this whole situation demmands details before I receive any DJ feedback, here it is:

This girl's real cute. Great personality. Very intelligent. Very mature. I mean it - very.
She wanted to know me, we had a great evening, an opportunity presented itself, I took it. All blissfull, right?

Well, it used to be. She turned up to be a sexual dynamite... Real horny. She loved having sex with me. And everything went super-smooth.

Then I lost inspiration. Some huge problems over my studies (I study film directing, and my father put not only my funding for the next year in question, but even for the next semmester, and I can't possibly raise that money while studying... believe me - it's super-expensive...) made me distant from her.

And there's the other issue. Night before I closed with her, I had what I wanted to be a one-night stand with another girl, which I didn't really like, really, and all over sudden - guilt creeped in.
I had two of 'em wanting to give me everything...
... now I tried the all-powerful mind frame of giving lots of women what they wanted and getting pleasure for it - but guilt overwhelmed and I couldn't do it.
I screwed both of them for four days, not being able to pick my mind on what I should do...

... And I decided to settle for the cute mature girl I started this post with. But the guilt made me seem distant... It took me time to answer her messages, we were both extremely busy over our studies... Now we both had lives and we were fine with that...
But somehow - the inspiration leaked out. All of a sudden - I was so overwhelmed with my problems that I couldn't muster enough energy to set up interesting, memorable going outs with her... I wanted to take her to a shooting range (she said it's her fantasy), I wanted to make a kite, rent a bike ride the countryside with her, but something always kept me from doing it. And then my grandma died and all hell broke loose in my family...

... the point - the sparckle was gone. I felt it as well as she did. We were faithful to each other (it took some real discipline, nerve and determination on my part - the other girl hunted me and stalked me, offered friendship with benefits, even a threesome... and although The girlfriend was on a fieldtrip, and me with my balls dry - I made it) - but something lacked.
Alghough I like her very much, even care for her - I simply didn't feel like f******* her anymore. My own father castrated me from having pleasure in anything for a week or so, and all of a sudden I received a comment from her I dreaded of ever hearing again: "You're such a wonderful creature". Now the last time I heard this was from my ex-wife (I married when I was 22, she was my first, I tried to run from home, start a business with her and start a family. It failed). What's this with women going all mushy when you treat them well?

Here's another point - she's used to having boyfriends bashing her. Now I know the rule - always use it as a hint on what she expects of you to turn her on, but I couldn't. THe last a****** used to cheat her, bash her, neg her like a b*****, get drunk and scream at her every night, and I couldn't do that to a girl that really respects me and cares for me.
So another odd thing came up - she mentioned that I was slightly masochist in bed. What the...? (Maybe for liking her to be on top?) I tried applying fingering and cunnilingus techniques on her, but she didn't want that... which confused me.

Anyways - this confused the **** out of me - one time we were supposed to go out, she was supposed to go to my place first. We were so sweaty after sex that we took a shower together. And it was all great... and once I started making out with her after that I mentioned that making out after sex and a shower's the best thing and... she was confused. Almost freaked out. I asked "is that a bad thing?", she just said she's confused. I never brought the subject, but it dazzled me...

Anyways - we broke up 6 days ago. We're supposed to see each other this Sunday (we met RPGing and that's when the next session is. Yeah. Nerds.)

I wouldn't be surprised she found someone else... She mentioned that there's a whole lot of her I never discovered... and I was too obsessed with my own problems at that time (she broke up with me the day my grandma died and my family went nuts) to ask her what's that.

She gave me great hints on how not to lose a girl next time (how not to tip off the scars left from my ex-wife), complemented me for being skilled at going through a girl defences without becoming pushy (which was a shock, I used to consider myself clumbsy, distant, not a PUA), she believes I'm a great guy, she can't rationalize what's missing... and she mentioned that being alone is better than being with someone just for the sake of not being alone... which is true, unfortunately... I realized I needed her at the moment to make me feel better, I was devastated, but she was right when she said I didn't need her in particular, just someone.
So we departed as people who really like each other and really cared for each other - but realized that the flame's out. No sex, no relationship.
I spent three nights waking up with a fever, with an urge to call her and tell her that I'd love to love her. That I wish I'd loved her. It seemed wuss-like, so I didn't. I wrote a song, though. Every time I fell in love I wrote a song... she realized I never fall for her, since I never got an inspiration... and she was right... but now I did. F***** up.

... so I made a mistake somewhere. I can't believe it wasn't meant to be or something.
My ex-wife (a major turn off for the now ex-girlfriend, although I have nothing with her anymore... the divorce papirology's taking it's time, so she wasn't sure we're through) prolonged a phase after the flame's gone, which made things worse... and said I was great, the best and purest person she ever met...
... talking about hitting a man in the balls. No thing's more castrating than an admiration from a woman who doesn't want to have any intimacy with you. (or am I wrong?)

So - this seems like a pattern.
I've given a thorough analisys here... So - gurus. Masters. DJs. I've read the bible, and I realize the great ideas and thinkers here. I realize that there are people around here that can be truly called men.
Where am I wrong? What are the answers?
What the hell happened?

Can oneitis be a requirement for a good steady LTR?
Did I turn wuss, made a mistake somewhere?
Do I sound like a wuss now?
Do I go after her and show her that I was in love with her (which I wasn't able to distiguish from the confusion I've had)?
Is complete freedom and respect for what she is with no strings and desire to share the best moments enough to call love? Or am I wrong and I was supposed to call her every day, keep her on her toes, give her small signs that I'm thinking about her? Is that what it takes once a girl's met your standards and does everything as you'd like her to do and think she should do?

Help. I'm a wuss turned jerk turned wuss.

 

[Microphone Fiend]

bump...i think this needs a response. Why is it sometimes u can do so much right, have an amazing girl and things just dont work out? These are the ones that scare me the most.

 

[Docs]

I read this a while ago, it does deserve a response.

I guess to have a LTR...you'll have to fall in love somewhat.

 

[Phyzzle]

He's probably gone already; this post was too long, but I read it.

Can oneitis be a requirement for a good steady LTR?

No. Super-duper emotional sparks come and go. Besides, the driving force in a life long relationship is the woman's interest, not the man's. That is, chicks don't care if you have oneitis for them. They don't really care if you like them all that much. She cares about her feelings, not your feelings, not ultimate compatibility, not logic, nothing. She will stay with you until SHE doesn't feel it anymore.

Did I turn wuss, made a mistake somewhere?

Yes. In fact, she told you EXACTLY what mistake you made.

She gave me great hints on how not to lose a girl next time (how not to tip off the scars left from my ex-wife)

Don't show women your emotional weakness. Call me manipulative, but I say being honest doesn't mean showing your insecurities and hurt. Admit them to yourself, don't display them to her.

And this is gonna sound cold, but you are in you mid twenties. The death of a grandmother is not that serious of an event.

Do I go after her and show her that I was in love with her?

That has yet to work for anyone. If you dumped her outright, you might have a chance, but she dumped you. Dissappear for a while, and if you are ever emotionally strong and ready to get back together, then call her up. Informally, just have fun and don't push for some fiery emotional reconnection the 1st time you meet again.

 

[Rettie]

He's probably gone already; this post was too long, but I read it.

Nope. Just been busy. I shot a short movie in the meantime. The whole thing caught me in the climax of pre-production, hence the pressure and wussiness. Things were going bad. It's all cool, now.

No. Super-duper emotional sparks come and go. Besides, the driving force in a life long relationship is the woman's interest, not the man's. That is, chicks don't care if you have oneitis for them. They don't really care if you like them all that much. She cares about her feelings, not your feelings, not ultimate compatibility, not logic, nothing. She will stay with you until SHE doesn't feel it anymore.

Which is exactly what happened. She coped with lots of things she didn't like... called me a "personification of her lack of character"... and the instant I broke from within because of other problems - she stopped feeling it.
Damn, you're right.

Yes. In fact, she told you EXACTLY what mistake you made.

You mean - not showing that I saw the way she's unique?
Or - not acting all in love? (guess it's the former)
... since - that's the only feedback I got from her.

Don't show women your emotional weakness. Call me manipulative, but I say being honest doesn't mean showing your insecurities and hurt. Admit them to yourself, don't display them to her.

Damn right. At the moment - it seemed cold and distant not to... I almost felt hurting her for NOT showing my weakness... I tried acting all cool, and explained (yup... I was dumb enough to say it) to her that I think a true man takes the blows and recovers without losing the ability to act cool and smile in his woman's company (making a comparison with the Godfather II scene with Robert De Niro).

And this is gonna sound cold, but you are in you mid twenties. The death of a grandmother is not that serious of an event.

No, no - you don't sound cold, you're right.
Completely true. You didn't get me - it didn't shook me a bit.
It's the effects. 'see - I'm living in a country in which hardly anyone can AFFORD NOT living with their parents before they're like... 35. Poverty, get it?
Family help is essential in an economic environment in which you can't possibly save more than a few hundred euros... The same family that freaked out on me for NOT lamenting over my grand-ma is the same family that fueled my studies' beginning. I lose their support - I lose the stress relief when next June comes.

That has yet to work for anyone. If you dumped her outright, you might have a chance, but she dumped you. Dissappear for a while, and if you are ever emotionally strong and ready to get back together, then call her up. Informally, just have fun and don't push for some fiery emotional reconnection the 1st time you meet again.

We've med at Sunday - the next session proceeded. I was cool - never brought anything up... I did complain at the loss of energy and the pressure for the film to her gay friend, though. Being tired creeped in. But I was cool in front of her. Kept joking and having fun, like I always do.
The film I shot was the very film she urged me to shoot (I think she aksed me to promise to shoot the film) right after we first kissed... I thought of interrupting the next session with the film and then (with the usual climax afterwards) reminding her that I remembered her words...
I thought of showing her the song I wrote... and then saying something like: "... telling me I'm not in love... I can give you lessons in being in love.", all grudgy. It may sound dorky, but if I did that - I wound't care what she did afterwards... I'd be all like...

On a side note... Is being all cool like and genuinely not caring what others say, joking, making things comfortable to yourself and inviting everyone to join you the proper mindset? I'm at my best when controling the situation, working on a goal, having innocent laugh at others' expense... but the flirting and kino rarely step in. Ever.
People dig me... Women as well... but sometimes buddies pressure me into "taking the chance" and all when I don't have the inspiration...
I like only smart, interesting women... I wouldn't screw beautiful women if they were dumb... No personality's a great turn off.
Now - is this a f***** up mind set - or am I on the right track thinking that a little sarging and practice would break the ice? Is no girl better than having low quality catches?
The problem with sarging I get is - whenever I think about it - the whole intent seems needy on it's own, and I don't get to shine with a thought that I'm doing things to impress.