No contact is for chumps

[Captain]

Think about it: by going "no contact", you're letting your EX interfere with your life.

No contact is for chumps who do not have the self control to be level headed around a woman they used to be with.

No contact: basically where you drop all contact with a woman who just broke up with you, including deleting her contact details, avoiding seeing her etc.

Moral of the story: don't give a woman special treatment just because she broke up with you. That's basically what "no contact" does. You've broken up, fine if you want to ignore her, just don't let ignoring her control what you do.

 

[brian123]

Gives her control? It is giving you control. It is over. Why waste your time speaking with your ex. Yea, in a 100% perfect world you can move on right away. However, we are not perfect. Admit it or not, most guys have trouble moving on. Going NC will help them to move on.

 

[Lexington]

You should cut off contact with your ex but you shouldn't go out of your way to avoid her. That means you might run into her from time to time, but then you can just be cold and distant. Say "hi" and then just walk away. If "no contact" is interfering with your activities, then it's going too far.

 

[Warrior74]

While that may be your opinion and you're welcome to it. I don't agree.

Hell I go no contact on pretty much anyone. FBs, ex girlfriends, that one night stand chic. I don't keep a bunch of numbers in my phone and when I consider something done I move on. The only ex I keep in contact with is the mother of my child for obvious reasons. What reason would I want to contact the rest of them? It makes no sense. If I see them in public I'm always nice and polite, I can even have a conversation, but there is no reason to stay in contact or to keep their contact information. It's over.

No contact on this site is a tool for men who have weak boundaries or who went all AFC on a chic to learn how to toughen up. Eventually they grow up a bit and understand its just the way of the world. So in a sense you are right. No contact is for chumps. Chumps who are trying to learn to be better. Some chump who poured his heart out and got it stomped on doesn't need to see her facebook pictures of her in Cancun with other guys. He needs to delete that chic and go out and met some new women. So in conclusion sir, you are right, but for all the wrong reasons.

 

[Julius_Seizeher]

When "No Contact" is used as a strategy to gain a desired outcome, it is chump behavior.

When there is no analysis, no strategizing, and you are simply MOVING ON, that's the way.

 

[CaptainJ]

I kind of agree with Captain, the fact that you are going out of your way to block all memories of her out of your life, shows that you do not have the restraint and abundance mentality to let you get over her without using special measures. Imagine if you found out that your ex who you didn't care about, had made a huge effort to cut you out of her life, you would feel you had won, because she was too needy to get over you via normal means. Therefore, No Contact is technically for chumps.

However! It is still extremely useful for those of us who are still learning, and who haven't developed the proper abundance mentality. Let's face it, a budding Don Juan would just be hamstringing himself if he didn't go No Contact after a break up. It's bloody useful, and a short term solution to developing your abundance mentality. This reminds me of The Logical Player's point where he said to never settle for exclusivity, unless you had the abundance mentality. Very fitting.

 

[5string]

Another perspective. Not that I disagree with the op, but think that NC is the right way to go sometimes. It's not always chump behavior. Often, the woman keeps going for the contact just to keep you on a string, and turn you into a possible branch that she may possibly swing to in the future. NC cuts all ties. Sometimes that just needs to be done. Like a bad penny. Throw it away and forget about it.

 

[Captain]

You should cut off contact with your ex but you shouldn't go out of your way to avoid her. That means you might run into her from time to time, but then you can just be cold and distant. Say "hi" and then just walk away. If "no contact" is interfering with your activities, then it's going too far.

Good summary right here.

 

[Naughty Ninja]

I see both sides. And they do make sense. In the situation I had I felt it was better to move on from somebody I'll probably never see again and never planned on being in orbit. They won't feel they've "won" if I never contact them again. That's my take.

 

[starplayer]

This is a good thread. Generally I agree with what Julius Seizeher said about how the use of NC to get the girl back or whatever is very AFC but it is OK for moving on.

I use no contact when I have no reason to talk to the girl or she has disrespected me and I no longer want her in my life, but occasionally I'm guilty of hoping for a particular outcome too (that's an ego problem that needs work).

I've read it in someone's signature about how NC is not to get the girl back but for guys who don't know how to deal with moving on properly. When you are more experienced you do not have to use such a crude method of getting rid of a girl.

http://ladderwiki.com/wiki/NEXTing

2) The Intermediate NEXT (About 4-7 on the NEXTing scale)

Obviously, this is a mixed hybrid of the Beginning and Advanced. Here, you still have short contacts with her, but you remain as pleasant as possible. You might avoid her and hangouts where you might meet so you can avoid further emotional scarring. In the Intermediate NEXTing, she WILL most likely be keenly aware of the changing status between the two of you--but she may or may not confront you about it. In the Intermediate NEXTing, you deny any bad feelings towards her. You do not act jealous or angry or spiteful. You are simply, "very busy lately," and that's it. Ironically, this actually twists her up even more b/c she detects the difference, but cannot put her finger on WHY or what she did. In the Beginner's NEXT she knows EXACTLY why you're shutting her down. In the Advanced NEXT, your goal is to never even trigger her awareness of the process.


3) The Advanced NEXT (About 8-10 on the NEXTing scale)

This is actually the ideal form of NEXTing. Here, you gradually downsize your involvement with the female. No sudden/radical changes in how the relationship is going--just gradual change. You don't avoid people, places of things you would usually do. Even if she is in the same room and same circle of friends. You actually might hang out w/ her one on one occasionally to give her the illusion that nothing's changed--but in reality you are gradually pyasing her out of your life. You simply stop caring about her or her life--but you don't alter your OWN life in the slightest (other than spending more free time with other people). This doesn't mean that you are an ******* or anything like that to her--it's just that when she starts to tell stories and/or insert drama into the enviornment, you psychologically, "drift off"/"go away." You may or may not leave the room or enviornment--the advanced person might simply switch attention to somebody else in the room for a short while. When she tries to rope you into being an IW again, politely find a reason why you can't do it/need to go right now, etc. In the ideal Advanced NEXTing she will NEVER EVEN NOTICE THE DIFFERENCE. Maybe she'll wonder in retrospect several years from now how/why the two of you drifted apart. But it will never enter her mind while you are in the midst of gradually phasing her out of your life.

 

[brian123]

I kind of agree with Captain, the fact that you are going out of your way to block all memories of her out of your life, shows that you do not have the restraint and abundance mentality to let you get over her without using special measures.

Agree in principle. However, to rule someone as a chump for going NC is pretty harsh. Its kind of like someone on a diet keeping themselves away from having fatty foods shoved in their face. They know what they have to do, and get what they want in the end.

 

[brokenupinside]

To me what's really AFC and chump-like is this fad of being counter-intuitive to show how in control you are.
Antibiotics are for chumps!...there..take that, bacteria!!!
Respek!

 

[Chromeo]

OP is right, but NC is needed when a guy with oneitis or who goes all AFC on a chick gets dumped on. NC helps this guy get over it.

Once you develope an immunity to oneitis and AFC you will not need no contact.

A girl may break up with you and you will simply need to say, ok well sucks for you. And you go about your merry way. She will come back, knowing you are fine without her, and she is the one who needs you. And you will say, sorry im busy (presumably with a new or backup woman). This will devastate her and beg you to let her back in your life, most likely. But you will simply be too busy for her for a few weeks, sure respond to her calls and texts when you have time, but you will be too busy to get to all of them, because your a man and you dont have time for a womans BS.

However, we all encounter psycho hose beasts that we need to completely cut ties with.

 

[Remy]

wtf? by ignoring someone youre letting them control your life? Thats the most absurd thing I've ever heard. I 'no contact'ed my ex because she was annoying the **** outa me, not because I was sad over some silly break up. And after doing so she has no influence in my life whatsoever whereas before she was a mild inconvenience.

 

[Captain]

No contact is fine but NOT when taken too far, not when YOU have to change to implement it.

 

[sagexx]

No contact is fine but NOT when taken too far, not when YOU have to change to implement it.

sounds fair enough. so what do u expect chumps like me do when ur stuck in like 3 classes with her and she is the one who broke up with me when i still want her back in my life.

 

[Captain]

so what do u expect chumps like me do when ur stuck in like 3 classes with her

Nothing, treat her like any other girl in your class. You don't have to go and try to talk to her, but don't go out of your way or be obnoxious just to avoid her.

and she is the one who broke up with me when i still want her back in my life.

Start meeting more women. You'll get over her.

 

[Warrior74]

Nothing, treat her like any other girl in your class. You don't have to go and try to talk to her, but don't go out of your way or be obnoxious just to avoid her.


Start meeting more women. You'll get over her.

bwahahahaha. dude. You just advised him to go no contact. Your thread is invalid.

 

[NewKidOnTheBlock]

Well, from my experience, before you can be something you have to fake it for a little while...and well, the best way to fake not being interested in your EX is to act like you dont give a ****.

The point is, you no contact her because your not *supposed* to be caring...she dumped you, so why should you keep being polite and nice to her (unless the dumping was on GREAT terms). So you fake not caring - you cut off the phoning and start moving on with your life whether you want to or not. From past history, No Contacting was generally some of the hardest shyt I've had to do...as a guy i dont share feelings with anybody but the GF and without her it kinda messes with you.

I also agree that if you run into her you shouldn't avoid her, you should be friendly instead. Theres many reasons for this. A - If you met a random girl on the street who YOU DIDNT CARE ABOUT, would you be friendly? There, you get my point. B - She is no longer a part of your life, don't let her scare you away from doing things...you should actually be trying to move on. Its a delicate balance (how nice is too nice?) between keeping distance and not caring.

My general rule of thumb is, dont make the contact and dont break the contact (have no input)...just let her fade into the past. There is one exception to this tho - don't keep PERSONAL contact with her...no one on one's, no phone conversations, no deep feeling ***** crap, unless you want her to be a close friend (rarely works for me). Just remember, treat her like a girl you don't give a shyt about and eventually she'll BE a girl you dont give a shyt about

 

[Captain]

OK, now that I've reread my post, I don't think I did a good job of explaining what I meant. This is much better:
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?p=1728281