No contact 4 weeks.

[BigSteve28]

Hey guys, so I'm about 4 weeks in no contact. I posted two weeks ago and posted the initial breakup. My last post I talked about potentially meeting up with my EX for drinks like we agreed to do after we broke up the following week, as friends basically. It wasn't a bad breakup, it was very mature no cheating, lieing or anything major like that. I ended up breaking the plans to meet up the day after we agreed to and had broke up, told her we probably shouldn't talk or see each other for a while and been in no contact since. No text or calls either way.

As I said in the break up post, we had booked a trip that cost around 9000$ on a couples resort in the Caribbean (that I paid for). Initially I told her we could still go as friends, she said she would still love to go if I wanted her to, I even believe the last thing I told her concerning the trip was "Assume you're going" and at first it seemed like a okay idea as I had really planned on going with this person and the flights are in her name and no name changes with Expedia ( Funny story similar to this with a guy who posted an add on Craigslist looking for a girl with the exact same name as his ex fiancé to take) so I can pay about 1000$ for a new ticket for this other girl I have been seeing. She's more of a rebound and something that was taking my mind off my EX more than anything else, and I know she's not really girlfriend material but seems like a good girl, just not the one for me.

Basically I'm thinking about texting her tomorrow with a "Hey" and waiting for her reply and then saying "How about meeting for some drinks Tuesday or Wednesday" and if she accepts which I'm pretty sure she would, just seeing how it goes. I don't think we ever had a dull moment when we hung out and I know she'd be very fun to bring along on the trip, let alone save me another grand for a new ticket. My things I'm worried about are boundaries. Do I want to be with her for 7 days, drinking, being drunk, sleeping in the same bed each night and have the possibility to be denied sex if I'm horny and start to mess around? Probably not, being in a place like that the chance of hooking up a few times, adding in the unlimited alcohol and environment is high, but would that complicate things? Probably so. If we did go, had a great time together and got back, would the original issues linger, would we try to date again? Who knows. These are the questions I'm dealing with in my head right now.

If we do go out I know that she'll ask if I'm seeing anyone and that will be countered with asking her the question back. If she is, that alone is enough to totally get her going with me on the trip out of my head, take this other girl and move right along. If she's not and the night goes actually good and everything feels right and there's interest showing from her and I'm interested too, leaving it at that, maybe inviting her over for dinner and drinks at my place Friday and then escalating the situation sexually and seeing where exactly it goes. Once again, this would be a type of measurement for how things would be if we were together on the trip.

It's kinda like this; EX GF, trips paid for, might not have much sex, but will have a great time and won't cost me anymore money, vs new girl, not the one I planned to take, sex whenever I want, probably still have a good time, but not really someone I plan on being with longterm, and paying an extra 1000$ for a new ticket.

I know i'll get a lot of stuff saying don't meet up and I'm fine with all opinions, hey that's why were here. I take any and all advise into consideration and respect it. This whole trip thing was a measuring stick for our relationship basically. I did view her as wife material as I mentioned in previous post and this was something to find out if I wanted to even go the engagement route and moving in as we had talked about both before, and wanted the same thing longterm and were ready to settle down. It has been a rough road thus far but I do feel MUCH better then I did at the beginning. And from going from talking to a person a lot each day and morning to not at all was a big change, but I handled it pretty good and if not for this trip I probably wouldn't even contact her. I lost 12 pounds in two weeks, and that's even working out 5 days a week. I really have no idea where it was lost from but it's gone. Went from 6'3 194 to 182. Mild depression is the best diet I guess.

 

[BigSteve28]

Failed to mention this trip is in 10 days. That's why I'm not sticking to the two months of no contact. Yeah..it's close..

 

[LondonTowers]

You're not thinking straight chap, all these ideas about meeting with her, escalating, seducing her on a far off island are not going to happen. You will hurt your self esteem in ways you can not see yet. Stick to No Contact like a life raft.

Pay the extra grand and take the new girl, doesn't matter if it's not long term. At least you will have a good time with a women who wants you. If your ex contacts you about the trip, just tell her the truth, you are seeing someone else and are taking her. This is about the only thing that will make her desire you again. That whole week away, you will have fun and it will drive her insane. At the same start working on your nice guy issues, let the forum chisel you into a man.. because you are still the same guy and she isn't going to magically fall for you again.. not until you truly change.

Let this situation with the holiday be your first decision to change. And yes I have managed to get exes back from more dire situations than yours.. but it never happened straight away and not before some major change in me happened.

She currently has grass is greener syndrome so you must spend the rest of this year to be the greenest grass of them all. At that point you will actually be able to get her back if you want or likely not want to. But right now, you are doing so well with the NC.. trust me, she is thinking about you. so don't go fvck it.

tl;dr
Stick to NC unless she contacts you.. at which point you inform her you are taking new girl. Go have a blast and start your journey to becoming a DJ.

 

[Fugitive]

^ Great advice

I agree that going with your ex is totally NOT an option. Why should you reward her with an all expenses trip to the Caribbean? Take the new girl instead. Or even take a guy friend with you, see if he can pay the extra 1 grand and book his own room and then hook up with girls once your there.

You're inner beta male psyche is desperately trying to fool you into thinking "hey its cheaper to go with my ex" but really it's just an excuse because you're hoping you guys will get back together. Be honest with yourself. Then accept that going on holiday with her is likely going to enforce the notion that you're easy and free ride and therefore unattractive. Going on holiday with this other girl is the best idea of your life. Go with it. 1 grand is small price to pay in the long term.

 

[salinechow]

You're not thinking straight chap, all these ideas about meeting with her, escalating, seducing her on a far off island are not going to happen. You will hurt your self esteem in ways you can not see yet. Stick to No Contact like a life raft.

Pay the extra grand and take the new girl, doesn't matter if it's not long term. At least you will have a good time with a women who wants you. If your ex contacts you about the trip, just tell her the truth, you are seeing someone else and are taking her. This is about the only thing that will make her desire you again. That whole week away, you will have fun and it will drive her insane. At the same start working on your nice guy issues, let the forum chisel you into a man.. because you are still the same guy and she isn't going to magically fall for you again.. not until you truly change.

Let this situation with the holiday be your first decision to change. And yes I have managed to get exes back from more dire situations than yours.. but it never happened straight away and not before some major change in me happened.

She currently has grass is greener syndrome so you must spend the rest of this year to be the greenest grass of them all. At that point you will actually be able to get her back if you want or likely not want to. But right now, you are doing so well with the NC.. trust me, she is thinking about you. so don't go fvck it.

tl;dr
Stick to NC unless she contacts you.. at which point you inform her you are taking new girl. Go have a blast and start your journey to becoming a DJ.

^This is excellent well thought and founded advice. Also, OP great job spelling out your thoughts as well. This is what the forum should look and sound like more often.

I will add a few things.

NC is for you first. You even said yourself the changes that a little mild depression and discipline can make are valuable.

NC in my experience as well as seeing some patterns here on SS, takes about 90-100days to really empower you and gain clarity from.

Everyone always wants to reach out at about 30 days. I did, and people seem to post the same ebbs and flows. Happens again at 45 and 60 days. The 50's were my hardest days. 90 was tough too. At 100 something I stopped counting. Broke the chains of counting. Moved on in my life from that chapter. NC served me well, and then needed to be discarded.

I think you should take the new girl. I think it might even be an opportunity for her to surprise you and you may see her in a new light. I think you will enjoy yourself far more. I think the time you imagine having with your ex is glorified and she will probably let you down. Potentially, she could even ruin the trip entirely. Go with the new girl.

Like LondonTowers said too. If your intention is to one day return to the ex( you should not) going with the new girl will send the exes hamster into Heisenberg blue meth overdrive. Expect fallout but know it is actually a good thing. And you know what, during NC you really shouldn’t care. I never feel bad for my sandwich wrapper when I throw it out. I appreciate that it kept my sandwiches lettuce contained, but when its trash, its trash.

Enjoy the new girl without comparisons. If you don’t really care for her to much, making someone else love you feels good too. Go with that. Again, though, be open to letting her surprise you.

As far as the text you were thinking about sending your ex. Dont send beacon texts, they are dumb. They are ignorable and juvenile.
When the time comes, if it ever comes, that you break NC. Text her something with substance. Also, use the words "I want" somewhere. "I want you to call me back". Or whatever. Be a man and instruct and lead. "Hey" seems like a mentally challenged person on the treadmill wearing earmuffs, waving vigorously and smiling like he is high.

Vote number 3. Take the new girl.

Dont break NC till at least 90 days. Then go ten more just to be sure.

Have fun. Travel safe. Please post back your outcome.

 

[BigSteve28]

Very good advice, after reading all this I am second guessing my plan and looking at it differently.

 

[hockeyfreak79]

That's insane they want a grand just to modify the traveler!?! Does the new chick even have a passport? You should be able to modifiy the existing ticket for the new chick, something doesn't add up right there? I would look into this some more.

Stick to NC and take the new girl.

 

[El Payaso]

Go with the new girl.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

Here's a novel idea: how about you don't take either of them, and just take a buddy instead - then, you could both mack on Caribbean girls or other solo-traveling women looking for an out-of-town hook up?

Here's why taking either of the current girls is a bad idea:

EX-GIRLFRIEND: She doesn't want to be around you. Dude, I've had girls I've dumped or went NC on that still wanted to see me. How do I know? 'Cause they were reaching out to me. If you haven't talked to her in 4 weeks, part of it's 'cause she hasn't hit you up (assuming you haven't left any details out about her hitting you up). Why? She's MOVING on.

Furthermore, you're not reading what she's saying to you when you continue to ask her if she wants to go. What she's verbally saying is "well, I mean, if you still want me to go I'll go," but what she instinctively knows is that it would be weird. You're going to be with her side by side as "just friends" watching her get hit on by island guys whom she might end up connecting with, thus leaving you to tend to your wounds of hurt and pain because, subconsciously (or maybe even consciously) you were hoping to have sex with her at some point.

BTW, this is why you NEVER plan big trips with someone until you marry them. They need to EARN that shiznit.

NEW GIRL: In short: too big of a gesture. You've only known her for a couple of weeks and she's getting rewarded for a few good dates with a HUGE grand gesture of a trip? No bueno - and I'm speaking as a guy who has both done this AND seen other guys do it and the same result happens time and time again: big trip, get home, break up. Why? Again, she's done nothing to EARN it - and, to her, it may seem like you're trying to buy her love or hold her to some other demands of yours as a result of paying so much money to take her some place (i.e. "You need to do what I say because I paid x-amount to take you on that trip!").

DON'T EVER DO BIG TRIPS WITH NEW GIRLS OR GIRLS YOU'RE NOT MARRIED TO. Take your buddy, you'll have a much better time. Hope this helps!

 

[RangerMIke]

DON'T EVER DO BIG TRIPS WITH NEW GIRLS OR GIRLS YOU'RE NOT MARRIED TO. Take your buddy, you'll have a much better time. Hope this helps!

THIS! Take your wingman.

 

[BigSteve28]

That's insane they want a grand just to modify the traveler!?! Does the new chick even have a passport? You should be able to modifiy the existing ticket for the new chick, something doesn't add up right there? I would look into this some more.

Stick to NC and take the new girl.

Hey buddy, how it going? And yeah they won't do name changes. There's a similar story you can Google on it with a guy and his ex fiancé he posted on Craigslist to find a woman with the exact same name to take on vacation. Expedia is strict on flight name changes. I believe because it's through airlines and not them.

 

[BigSteve28]

That's insane they want a grand just to modify the traveler!?! Does the new chick even have a passport? You should be able to modifiy the existing ticket for the new chick, something doesn't add up right there? I would look into this some more.

Stick to NC and take the new girl.

Yes, she has a passport and I told her I might want to travel soon and she said she'd love to go and she works remotely so taking off is not a problem.

 

[BigSteve28]

Here's a novel idea: how about you don't take either of them, and just take a buddy instead - then, you could both mack on Caribbean girls or other solo-traveling women looking for an out-of-town hook up?

I thought about this, but it's a couples resort. Finding a single girl MIGHT be a possibility like if you found a pair of them together girls vacation or whatever, but not likely.

Here's why taking either of the current girls is a bad idea:

EX-GIRLFRIEND: She doesn't want to be around you. Dude, I've had girls I've dumped or went NC on that still wanted to see me. How do I know? 'Cause they were reaching out to me. If you haven't talked to her in 4 weeks, part of it's 'cause she hasn't hit you up (assuming you haven't left any details out about her hitting you up). Why? She's MOVING on.

The last thing I told her was something like I couldn't meet up with her for drinks, I need to move on and heal and not talking or seeing each other for a while might not be a bad idea. She said she understands, whatever I need. This is a very high quality girl in my eyes. Always was very respectful, stayed off her phone while at my house or at dinners with me, maybe got on it to look something up. In public wouldn't pay attention to anyone besides me, when we went out, always by my side, my friend's girlfriends would be acting an ass, or drunk, or getting on bars dancing. Not her, paying total attention to me, being polite when introducing her to people etc. A very reserved person like myself. Cooked for me, cleaned for me, brought me dinner anytime she came over in the evenings. I know most girls would text me when I said "we shouldn't talk for a while" or in whatever words, but I truly believe she hasn't out of respect for what I want and what I asked for. She's probably waiting for me to initiate back when I'm ready. BUT she is moving on like you said, no doubt. I believe that, but like I said, her not contacting me is probably out of what I asked for and her being a respectful person, I know 90% of girls wouldn't give a **** and if they missed you or whatever would contact you regardless, but I do not think that is the case with her. I've only labled 4 girls in my life as girlfriends and I'm about to be 29, I date a lot and meet a lot but they have to be very high quality all around to get that title, looks are never enough, personality has to be there, how they act has to be there, etc.

Furthermore, you're not reading what she's saying to you when you continue to ask her if she wants to go. What she's verbally saying is "well, I mean, if you still want me to go I'll go," but what she instinctively knows is that it would be weird. You're going to be with her side by side as "just friends" watching her get hit on by island guys whom she might end up connecting with, thus leaving you to tend to your wounds of hurt and pain because, subconsciously (or maybe even consciously) you were hoping to have sex with her at some point.

BTW, this is why you NEVER plan big trips with someone until you marry them. They need to EARN that shiznit.

I agree with this, lesson learned.

NEW GIRL: In short: too big of a gesture. You've only known her for a couple of weeks and she's getting rewarded for a few good dates with a HUGE grand gesture of a trip? No bueno - and I'm speaking as a guy who has both done this AND seen other guys do it and the same result happens time and time again: big trip, get home, break up. Why? Again, she's done nothing to EARN it - and, to her, it may seem like you're trying to buy her love or hold her to some other demands of yours as a result of paying so much money to take her some place (i.e. "You need to do what I say because I paid x-amount to take you on that trip!").

If I did take this girl I would downplay it a lot, I have no expectations out of her honestly and I'm WAY in control with this woman. She does everything I want and totally caters to me, and is very submissive. She'll sit on the couch by me and I just put my arm in her lap and I'll say massage my arm, she don't question it, complain or anything. She loves to please me and openly says that she does. And like I said, I'd downplay it a lot and let her know there's no expctations from her, she's already putting her all into this as it is before I even mentioned a vacation.

DON'T EVER DO BIG TRIPS WITH NEW GIRLS OR GIRLS YOU'RE NOT MARRIED TO. Take your buddy, you'll have a much better time. Hope this helps!

This is being considered by me, even though there won't be any single girls.

 

[Lozboss]

London is Right.

Harry has a point too about her Moving on. You need to accept you are moving on and so is she. If you two are meant to be together then you will come back together in time (could be 3-6-18 months). First you MUST move on mentally or you'll trap yourself in an emotional torture chamber.

 

[Jmurphy55]

Very similar situation to my own.

I just broke up with a girl and we had a 2 week trip to Florida booked amongst a couple other small trips. The thing is I was genuinely really looking forward to the holiday, and we always had a lot of fun when we went away together.

But I didn't even entertain the idea of us going away as friends. **** that, what's the point? She ended the realationship and she must have known that this holiday being cancelled was a likely consequence of that. She'd actually paid the deposit on it and i haven't committed anything financially as yet, was about to start paying towards it in April, so I just left it to her to sort out. When she called me to end it I actually said "well thanks for letting me know, as out of the blue as you probably think this is, I had seen it coming and I've been talking to some friends about a trip to Spain so you've told me at a good time." And that wasn't a line to try and provoke her, that was the genuine truth.

Assuming you have an active social life then spend times with people who want you company, this girl does not, and if you offer her the chance to come I wouldn't even rule out her flaking closer to the time anyway. Plus all the while she knows there's lkttle chance of you moving on because no self respecting girl is going to tolerate you going on a cruise with your ex.

There is no logical reason to go with her, you're better going alone. And believe me, I'd want nothing more right now than to still be going to Florida with my ex but it isn't going to happen.

 

[salinechow]

Update?