Nice Guy research paper

[TheCandyMan3003]

I found this site a little over four months ago. Back then, i was a full blown nice guy. I had enough of getting used by every woman that i had ever cared for. i was tired of being so desparate that every look from a woman would almost make me melt. Thus I stumbled onto this site. I have become a new being through the readings and applications of techniques that i have found here. While things may still get rough every now and then, i will not quite, and i am happy with who i am becoming.

This semester, in my english class, we were to write a research paper... big surprise. The professor urged us to write about something that stirred up emotions in us. I was stumped. Nothing was coming to mind when i tried to find something to write on. One of my quiet male classmates had written a paper confessing his "utmost love" to his girlfriend (that he met on the internet). While it was a very well written paper, it made me absolutely disqusted with him. Thats when i realized what i was to write my paper on.

so here it is: TheCandyMan's arguementative research paper on whether or not it pays to be a "Nice Guy" in a relationship.


Nice Guys Most Certainly Finish Last

You enter the mall seeking your soon-to-be companions for the night. Your destination is the food court which is on the other side of the mall, so you have some walking to do. Might as well do some people watching on your way. A mother briskly passes you while holding her son’s hand in a rigamortis-like grip. From her scolding, you realize that the boy has made a fool out of himself and his mother in one too many stores today. A gaggle of beautiful girls walk out of Holister while trying to discuss, what seems to be, all the happenings of the past year in the next five minutes. You spot the one creepy guy whom everyone suspects has a concealed weapon, and the overweight mall security guard doing his best to blend into the crowd so he can keep tabs on the creepy guy. As you look around this social Amazon, you realize that spring is in the air, and that it is mating season, for there are couples everywhere. Those who are not currently part of a couple, all still seem to be trying. The single males gather around the female of their choosing, trying to prove themselves to be the most worthy of prospects. They poke out their chests. They fire off the best of their witty humor. All the while, they believe that they are doing a good job. From the outside view, though, they appear to be acting utterly ridiculous.

Yet you stop as one of these hopefuls catches your eye.

You have seen his type before; we all have. He is the typical “nice guy.” He isn’t dressed in the latest fashion, but he isn’t completely out of style. None of his clothes stand out or say anything about him. They are darker shades to help him to remain neutral and in his comfort zone. His shoulder is damp from being soaked in a woman’s tears. As he talks to girls, he has to crane his neck because of the pedestal that he places them on. In his eyes, the way to a girl’s heart is through gifts, compliments, poetry and emotion; that if he is to let them spill their feelings and their personal problems to him, they will see that he is the guy that they have always been searching for.

Your heart feels a twinge of sympathy for the nice guy, for you know that he will most likely fail. He is probably a good man and fun to hang out with. A more preferable friend than a sexist bigot who’s only goal in life is to see how many woman he can sleep with. The “nice guy’s” intentions are good and his efforts are valiant, but his chances for a relationship are slim. Intimate relationships are more than just finding a decent male who does not treat women like scum. Which is why, in dating and long-term relationships, the male should shed their “nice guy” image in order to maintain a sense of self.

Chronic “nice guy” syndrome is not developed overnight. From the time that boys can even comprehend what a relationship is, they will hear girls saying, “that guy is such a JERK!” Their mothers and other female adult figures (ex: teachers, babysitters, grandmothers, etc.) only reinforce the “nice guy” persona by telling the boys that they should never act this way. What better way to not be like a “jerk” than to be his opposite?

At first thought, this mind-frame is fully logical. A nice guy will be thinking “if these guys are getting women while doing things that the women don’t like, then if I do all the things that they do like, I should have even more women.” Woe be unto the nice guy, for he has not realized that women are not logical, but instead, they are emotional. He has judged them on what they have said, not what they have done. It is a fatal error so easily performed. But how? How does such a logical idea turn to be the bane of men’s relationships?

To begin with, there is the giving nature of the nice guy to blame. A nice guy will rarely be confident enough in himself, so he turns to giving to get the girl to like him. He will give women his time, his money, his dignity, anything he could possibly give them, expecting something of equal value in return. The goal is clear enough to the nice guy. He wants the woman to recognize him as a potential mate. To the woman, unfortunately, these are simply signs that they are good friends. Some women understand the plight of the nice guy and recognize his intentions, yet they continue to take and take from him until he is a broken man with nothing left to give. There are other women who are oblivious to the fact that they are even using the nice guy; they truly do see such gestures as they would be coming from a good friend. Furthermore, women are becoming more financially independent in today’s society, so why do they need a man who can do nothing more than offer up their worldly possessions? In her article Can’t Buy Me Love, Sondra Wolf says “As more women become financially independent, they are less likely to seek mates with wealth” (Psychology Today). This is not to say that this giving approach never will work. Coincidence or fate could always bring a rich and giving “nice guy” together with just the right shallow and needy woman and they could easily live happily ever after and have children’s books written of their story. There are anomalies to any situation. However, in a realistic sense, the nice guy will rarely achieve his intended goal through his giving.

His goal? Why, a relationship of course. Through a one-night-stand or a long-term relationship, every man is after the same thing, including the nice guys. The nice guys will not admit this though, for fear of frightening off their prey. They want a relationship so that they will feel “whole”, or “complete.” Williams tells us in her article that “a long tradition of research and theory on gender, marriage, and mental health suggests that marital status is more important to men’s psychological well-being than women’s” (Journal of Health and Social Behavior 470). No particular way that a man acts will guarantee a relationship with every woman that he comes into contact with. Yet, the “nice guy’s” approach is at the bottom of the list with success stories. The nice guy has conditioned himself to hide his testosterone and his sexuality when there is a woman around, because he does not want to become just another “jerk.” To him, this makes him different and special. Surely different enough to catch the eye of a cute girl and get her thinking about him. Unfortunately, this mental conditioning also gives rise to new problems. This lockdown of testosterone does the exact opposite of building confidence, which makes it nearly impossible for the nice guy to express his true desires to a woman. He will rarely flirt with a woman. Rowan Hooper states in his article A little flirting goes a long way, “A flirtatious man shows vigor and social confidence, both of which may reveal good genes” (New Scientist). This is too bad for the nice guy, for he is lacking in both of these aspects. If he is to ever actually get to the point where he is in the position to have a relationship blossom, he usually hesitates on making his move, which ultimately destroys his chances for happiness, and places him in the worst position a nice guy could ever even fathom being in.

 

[TheCandyMan3003]

It is such a dark corner of the underworld, full of such despair, that Virgil dare not show Dante on their tour throughout the circles of hell. It is, and shall forever be known as, the “Friend Zone.” Hesitance and apathy will lead a man into it, and will forever ensnare him. When a “nice guy” allows a woman to use him as her emotional support, when he becomes the shoulder that she cries on, it causes her to see him as an emotional man. He is not quite boyfriend material, but he is a great friend. When he showers her with gifts, compliments, love songs, and poetry, he is openly inviting the claws of the friend zone to take him as a sacrifice. Sometimes there is an actual spark between a nice guy and a woman, but he is too afraid to make his move. It does not take a woman long to get bored with a man who does this, and it takes even less time for him to be swallowed by the friend zone. Sometimes, the nice guy sets himself up for getting lets-just-be-friends’ed. He will apply all his time and energy into a woman who just is not looking for a relationship, and will find that he has been pursuing something beyond being “just friends” where there was nowhere to go.

“What’s wrong with nice guys? The biggest problem is that most nice guys are hideously insecure” (heartless-*****es.com). A “nice guy’s” life is one full of self-pity and low self-esteem. It is because of his continuous failures with women that he feels that he cannot do anything right. Instead of realizing that a woman should compliment his life, he believes that he needs a woman have a life. He continuously supplicates himself for women and bends himself in every direction to please them, but he rarely will get anywhere with them. In later life, around the mid-thirties, women tend to want to settle down, end their partying days, and start a family. That is when the nice guy has the greatest chance at getting himself a woman, but by then, most have become social recluses that have removed themselves from “the game,” having settled on never having a chance with them. Their self-confidence is almost totally absent and they will usually be intimidated or even frightened by the thought of intimacy with a woman.

A partnership between a nice guy and a woman has potential to be the greatest and most long lasting relationship there is and can ever hope to be. It can end up being the perfect union of what appear to be friends, but still as romantic as possible. This state in a relationship does not have to be around from the beginning, thought. It can be built upon. Being a nice guy does not ensure that a man will be forever unhappy.

Some people will win in life. Others will lose. Children are being lied to when they are told that there are no winners or losers in life. While obtaining a relationship does not determine who is a victor, the effects of being a “nice guy” only will drag a man down. Low confidence is the underlying cause of all the “nice guy’s” problems. While being interviewed about what confidence is, Rosabeth Kanter explains that “confidence by itself doesn’t produce success, but it sets the cycle in motion” (New Zealand Management). Confidence is not a cure-all for loneliness in a person, but it is needed to start to achieve happiness. The nice guy needs to drop his “nice guy” persona so that he does not get used and walked on. If he is to have the determination to achieve, or even to have, goals in life, he cannot be such a needy wreck. He needs to become something more if he is to have the confidence to see what he wants, pursue it, and take it. If he is to do so, he will live his life with his head held a little bit higher.

 

[Max Power]

Very well written.

 

[SickAgain]

Not bad, but how is this research. It is more of a report.

 

[mrRuckus]

I sure hope your professor is a dude.

 

[TheCandyMan3003]

that's what i thought when i turned it in. but she said that it counted as research due to citations. and yes SHE still enjoyed it.

 

[COD]

TOTALLY WRONG.......THIS AINT RESEARCH ....ITS NOT EVEN REMOTELY TRUE.

IT ALL COMES DOWN TO COMPREHENSION OF HOW ATTRACTION PROCESS WORKS ON THE FEMALE BRAIN.

MID 30'S........women settling down........nice guys being insecure, self validation........JESUS man.......thats predjudice in its purest form.

I could pick it apart line by line but to what end.

I would have given you a D- or a C + tops.

So much more you coulda went here.........was this a creative writing class.

 

[TheCandyMan3003]

Ha Ha. wow man... did you read it?

It was an arguementative paper on whether or not it is more beneficial to be a described "nice guy" in a relationship. i wasn't talking about what the best way to attract a woman was.

you are right, though, about the need for comprehension of how attractions works. my point is that the nice guy does not know about it, and compensates with all of the mentioned scenarios.

as for the mid 30's/ women settling down thing, what's wrong with it? you are aware that women do settle down right?

the nice guys being insecure and needing self validation... i am not sure what is so confusing. i have yet to meet a nice guy (the kind which was described in my paper) brimming with confidence.

i could argue your counter-arguements line by line but to what end.

i would have given your teacher evaluation forms a D- or below for failure to do your job correctly.