Newbie.....on all levels...First question.

[tbucket]

Recently divorced, getting back into the dating scene and so far, nothing but clingy, needy women that are not in a place in thier lives that I could see anything LT....however, did go out with one recently that has her **** together, solid 9 for me, an upgrade to the ex..lol..and has her **** together.....here is the problem....she too has recently been divorced and after talking to her, she makes it clear that she wants to take things slow, not jump into anything, as she has always done this in the past.

When we went out, conversation was good, laughter, and then went to a local bar, live band and towards the end of the night, there was some serious kissing go on.....BUT I could tell her hesitation, which I attributed to her desires to keep things at a slow pace.

Talk to her a few times and she continues to beat the , "take it slow and see what happens"....which I am fine with that, but kinda question if that is what she really means or not. We went to lunch yesterday, she made no physical moves for contact, other than accept a hug from me and as soon as we got in our vehicles, she calls to say thank you, that I looked "cute" in what I was wearing and bla bla bla......but then again, stated the same take it slow thing......she did open up a little that she isnt used to a "nice guy" (is that a bad label) and even brought up that her exhusband wasnt a challenge......HUGE NOTE.......

So far I havent really been the one that initiated contact, text, call, emails, etc......she has always done this....and made a comment yesterday that, "she wonders if we would ever talk if she didnt initiate it....."

So question:
When a woman that has been wrapped up in relationships, 3 for a total of 15 years, gets her freedom, its been 6 months for her...should I take it REAL slow, play the whole challenge role or play the attentive guy that she SEEMS to appreciate, but is appreciating it with words only and so far, she has been making the contact?

Love the board......some screwed up views, but some good insight as well.

 

[amoka]

Women are all the same: you take things slow, you frighten them, you take it fast, you frighten them. The good news is that you as a DJ have a way of dealing with them to entice them and run after you: stay aloof. Next time she want's to take things slow, simple let her know that your past experience with women was not a great one and that you find it a bit difficult trusting them and that YOU'D like to take things slow. Now you messed her agenda. She'd try to do things for you in order to trust her. Cat String Theory works with women like a charm.

 

[horaholic]

she did open up a little that she isnt used to a "nice guy" (is that a bad label) and even brought up that her exhusband wasnt a challenge......HUGE NOTE.......

So, she's used to bad boys, and called you a nice guy. I should ask what your ages are. I am gonna guess here and say early to mid 30's. If this is the case, then MAYBE, she is ready for a nicer guy at this point. Of course, what usually happens is women THINK they need to take it slow, and THINK they want a nice guy, but end up bored in either situation.

After all, she MARRIED someone who isnt as nice, and wasn't a challenge. That tells me, that she is attracted to that sort, even if she doesnt want to be.

I still stand by the notion that 'taking it slow,' means not seeing each other a whole lot, and not jumping into a relationship. I dont believe in this 'friends first' crap. If you're her friend, you'll usually stay there. There is no reason to hold off on physical escalation, if you ask me. Do you think she would tell Brad Pitt she wanted to take it slow, and reject his advances? She's throwing the 'take it slow,' card. In MY experience, it doesnt seem go anywhere when they say that. That have acted like they were totally into me, but didnt want to ruin it by moving too fast. Then, I turned into their 'friend,' and then got to watch some jerk take her home the first night they met, and listen to her whine about how she wishes he was more like me. Catch my drift?

If I were you, I would tell her we can take it slow, BUT, there needs to be forward progress. Throw the 'I dont want to waste my time,' card. Take it slow. See her NO MORE than once a week, but make sure there is FORWARD progress. That makes you a challenge right there.I f you're only getting hugs in a date situation, that is a bad sign. If she's used to 'bad boys,' you can easily get away with telling her to shyt, or get off the pot. Its YOUR time too. Make sure its not being wasted.

Also, you should keep dating other women. She said she wants a challenge, right? That is how you be a challenge.

The next time she brings up the taking it slow thing, just say, "Hey, Im not asking you to marry me. Im not even asking you to be my girlfriend, and no, you cant move in with me yet, either, babe."

 

[tbucket]

OK, yes, mid 30's..........Yeah, I think so far forward progress is happening, I have told her that I dont need any more female friends in my life so thats clear and on the table. As far as the physical aspect, no the first date, it was kinda of a mack fest.....but there was that pull back as if she was allowing herself to do something she had told herself she wouldnt do...or at least thats the slack Im given her.....the second lunhc date was more of the hug issue.

Because we both have kids, seeing her once a week is going to be a stretch in a date situation.....could possibly do a lunch every week, but doesnt that facilitate a "friend" encounter more than a possible mate?

And we both talk about dating...in fact we give each other little updates, although I try to be kinda bland on the description and even if its a bad date, I always say, "it was cool, she might be a keeper" or something along those lines.

 

[tbucket]

OK, just as an example of what is being said.....this is in repsonse to us talking about meeting other people....she met a guy in a parking lot just to say hi and was completely turned off by the guy....I also will be meeting up with a girl later tonight for a drink and this is what she had to say......


"have a great evening... workout... parking lot meeting.... whatever you have up your sleeve this evening...
it is always great chatting with ya...
let me know if you like the meeting (if you do it) better than actually having an entire night out... i know it is iffy... but hey if the meeting works then you will know if you can sit in the waiting area before dinner and carry on conversation, then have dinner and THEN go have a fun night out... lol!!
good luck to ya!! i mean that!


WTF, a part of me wants to quiz her about the meaning of somethings she says, but the other part of me says **** it, go with it, brag to her about the other girl, even if she is a troll and just act interested, but not putting all my eggs in her basket.