Newbie - Lifelong AFC, recovering from relationship with a BPD

[mtnkng]

So, this will be an average tale of an AFC.

Im a life long AFC. Its obvious.

Married/settled for a wife @ 35. Unfulfilling marriage. She had issues and in hindsight, so did I.
I suspected something was up about a year ago. Finally asked the stbexW when she was gonna file for divorce (this is while I wasn't working). She said "we" would be happier with other people.

Lost my mind, threw a keylogger on the personal laptop, got into her emails and yep, she was cheating. Nice. Wrecked me for a couple weeks.

Don't worry, it gets worse.

Bagged a job at a big corp. Met a HB 8. We hooked up quickly (actually, I didnt do too bad a job DJing her - but it was only her - thats the second mistake, the first being getting and staying involved with the rebound). Sex was awesome (did not have good sex with the stbexW). After a month, some real strange behaviors start to come out - hypersensitive to criticism, push/pull, idealization. And lots of her background was really troubling - bad childhood, raped by her step brother, suicide attempt in college, 2 divorces, kids with both men, both her exes are whacked and she's on some major anti depressants. I was sucked in and ignored red flags.
After she broke up with me 4 times (and I patched things up), I finally had enough (and Im keepin this short, lots of details ) and dumped her on Easter - though we decided to be just friends - ie., door open for f*ck buddies.
Day after, I was examining what went wrong. She called and said she was gonna kill herself - the coup de grace hoover. I got sucked in drove to her house and kept her from taking any more pills. Anyway, I contacted her therapist and informed of what went down.

Of course, her T told her and now the exBPDgf is n/c. Tore me up....I finally got clued in and did lots of research on BPD - the exBPDgf *told* me she had a personality disorder (this is a mechanism to make it not her fault for her behaviors).

So, I had one more contact with crazy - told her I loved her, that she needs help and that Im letting her go. She responded that she's on new meds, has a new victim (that can give her EVERYTHING she needs and wants) and everything is right with the world. Blah, blah, blah. She's back on the dating sites still looking. She'll never get help, will always be looking for the next victim and will destroy everyone around including her kids.

So....I now recognize, because I stayed in a relationship with this....thing, I've got issues. Thanks to KontollerX, Im here. Im takin steps. Lost 25 lbs, getting in shape, lookin at self improvement, reconnecting with my old buds and working on new ones.

I will say this - don't get involved with the personality disordered. You cannot win, will not grow, won't have a healthy relationship and the sex...you can get from healthy women. I dont think a real DJ would get involved with one.

Im on the road to recovering from this last episode. It was pretty damaging. Fortunately, it only lasted 7 mos, but was not worth it. The only good thing that came out of it - I finally realized I was a pathetic AFC and now Im ready to close the chapters on that life.

regards.

 

[Latinoman]

I dont think a real DJ would get involved with one..

Let me make something clear; a DJ can get involved with a BPD woman. He can even get involved in a serious relationship with a single mother with several kids too. That has nothing to do with being an AFC or a DJ.

Let me explain this with two scenarios:

1- He knows the woman has some serious issues. As long as he understands what he is getting into and the potential consequences of the choice he made…then he will continue to be a DJ. The only problem he will have to work harder to preserve the “respect” part of the equation (as respect is one of the most important factors in DJism). Having said that, he will be sacrificing other things in life in order to deal with this woman and that on itself can potentially submerge him into AFCism.

2-He does not know the woman has serious issues. If a DJ pick a woman that camouflaged very well any possible red-flags and after being together it turns out she is a cheater. Picking that woman does not make a DJ an AFC. What makes him an AFC is not taking action after she disrespected him. If you are a DJ and picked a woman that ends up cheating on you…and you dump her immediately, then you continue to be a DJ. Remember, everybody makes mistakes.

EDIT to clarify some points.

 

[jophil28]

There are several of us here who have had "relationships" with CLuster B women - THe damage that they do to your CORE will take a long while to heal .. Breaking up witha BPD is NOT like a regular breakup . It has to be experienced to be believed, and even months later you will still be in disbelief about how and why you stayed with that wackjob and tolerated her mindfvcking tactics.

Feel free to vent and unload if you wish, You are in a safe place.
Welcome aboard .

 

[Latinoman]

There are several of us here who have had "relationships" with CLuster B women - THe damage that they do to your CORE will take a long while to heal .. Breaking up witha BPD is NOT like a regular breakup . It has to be experienced to be believed, and even months later you will still be in disbelief about how and why you stayed with that wackjob and tolerated her mindfvcking tactics.

Feel free to vent and unload if you wish, You are in a safe place.
Welcome aboard .

I have read some of your guys stories on this issue. Very scary. In fact, it kind of terrifies me too.

 

[mtnkng]

LM - Im not saying you're not a DJ IF you get involved. BPD traits don't show up right away - my case was about a month (during the honeymoon, it was just too easy).

Im saying, a DJ will probably not get suckered in if he has several plates goin. And because BPDs are generally f*cked up, they are usually low value -money problems, career, etc. There are some pretty obvious hints, especially the older you and the BPD are. With those hints present, seems to me a DJ knows not to waste his time with personality disordered.

I hooked up with mine right after separation. I was overly ****y (though, certainly not a DJ) in that I didnt think I was vulnerable. Perhaps thinkin I was DJ when I didnt have the inner game.

anyway, there really is no reason to hook up with or stay in a relationship with a personality disordered person. 90% of the other women are the normal ones you can try to get with. I'd also say that if you do hook up with a PD and stay, you've probably got issues of your own.

 

[jophil28]

...and after being together it turns out she is a cheater. Picking that woman does not make a DJ and AFC. What makes him an AFC is not taking action after she disrespected him.

THis is it men. Latinoman has just said exactly what needs to be said.

BPD women are experts at holding up a facade and molding themselves to accomodate you and your wishes, FOR A WHILE ,but eventually she will cheat or disrespect you in some other way, and then skilfully try to shift responsibility onto you for her cheating. Then she will toy with your emotions in a game of cruelty that is indescribable toxic... most guys NEVER could imagine how a sweet loving woman can so easily morph into an evil conniving vampire with no scruples ...And the more AFC the guy is, the more evil she becomes.
There is only one legitimate course of action for a man to take when she cheats, and that is to dump her without a word.
Forget couples therapy - it is useless in these circumstances .
Forget "giving it another chance" - you are going back to the same vampire.
Forget "communication".. BPDs will never allow a free flow between you.

I learned the hard way that the only way is out - permanently..

 

[KontrollerX]

Ahh welcome mtn.

The brothers have made some good posts for you thus far.

The only thing I can say to Latinoman's post (which is also good) is that most of the guys who run into a BPD don't know what they are dealing with so through the mirroring you think you've met your idealized perfect partner for a relationship (regardless of if you're a DJ or AFC) you'd never thought you or anyone else would ever find which of course makes it so painful when she pulls the jekyll and hyde act and starts raging or betrays you with the night manager at Wendys and then you find out about it.

In anycase though man I think you know all this awful stuff already and once again I am glad you have decided to join us as a forum poster.

I'm not sure if I gave you any of Rollo's posts at the other board or not but if I didn't feel free to use our search feature here and type in "oneitis rollo" without the quotation marks and it will bring up many topics where Rollo Tomassi a great poster here dismantles the soulmate myth that can further help you unplug from the co-dependent mindset which makes people who are of this mindset victims waiting to happen for a BPD as co-dependents seem to have a savior mentality about them that more readily plays into getting into a BPD relationship and drawing these types of people to them than others that they victimize.

 

[mtnkng]

Well, what triggered dump day for me....she told me she would take her profile off the dating sites. She didnt (and this after exclusivity discussions).

I figured out (finally!) I was bein played. I dumped. But the damage was done. And in AFC mode, I helped damage myself some more. I crawled back.

Fortunately....this may play into a better scheme. I know getting back with her will f*ck my life up. Since I emailed her that I still loved and cared...she may have the validation she needed from me and that is that. Im now painted black, unattractive (and pathetic) in her eyes. I don't think she'll initiate any contact with me. And thats good - I do not need anything from that cvm bag. Still, I feel bad for her kids (I was attached to one of her daughters)...but its nothing I can fix, solve or otherwise help. Worse sh!t happens in life and I can't fix that.

I'll work on me. I've got a good base and just need to bring out those admirable qualities that are already there. Its gonna be fun.

 

[speed dawg]

mtnkng, you are not alone here. I was an AFC in the worst way before I discovered this site back in 2005. While it may not change your personality, this site definitely helps change your outlook and thought process, for the better. A lot better. Helps you unlearn all those sickening cancerous ideals that a "liberated" society will have you believe. AFC's cannot survive in our free society. We need more MEN. Men with nads of steel like our grandfathers.

Read up on some stuff around here. Very very good pieces written and archived in here. You'll be fine, just concentrate on yourself and your real loved ones for now, get through this, and you'll begin the healing process and begin to grow. Good luck.

 

[mtnkng]

Well, today is 5 weeks since I last saw her....and that during her "suicide" hoover. That episode freaked the crap outta me.

But its also one of the best reasons I keep in mind to not go back - who wants to be involved with someone who contemplates killing themselves? Sheesh.

I havent had enough anger or grieving, I think. Im pissed about the money and using. But, I look at it like paying to a) learn not to do this again, b) not to get involved with a toxic person and c) not to hear from her ever again d) learn about myself and I need to change.

How much would you pay for this self realization?

So, yeah, the ex is still inhabiting too much of my thoughts....but its getting less and less. I'll get my act together, heal up and continue the journey anew. Im just glad I didnt sucked all the way in.

 

[Latinoman]

By the way...welcome to the Forum.

 

[KASHMIR73]

Good God!! what have I done

Hey, Reading Yall"s responses to Bfkn PD women, OK I'mm 57 friggin years and a smooth operator, Honest? I never saw this CRAZY AZZ Chit comin, goin, or in fact, Here!!...Seriously? I didn't hear the question but kudo's to Georgio Tsoukalos....I'm goin with...... IT WAS ALIENS!!!!
Hang in guys, Your NOT Crazy!!!!

 

[KASHMIR73]

Oh yea, Kashmir73, new rule lifelike, NEVER bang anyone crazier than YOU!! And feel good about getting involved with one,, That's what being NOT an average AFC means,, These crazies are your dissertation in being a genuine DJ...

 

[KASHMIR73]

And lettem kill themselves, It's a periodic tradition at my house now
Hey Scaramouch,, Yea Baby!What up brah?

 

[KASHMIR73]

I'm so sorry you guys but after experiencing this s*** I so fkn wish it hadn't been me but what an eye opening Grin!!! To know I am NOT the only oooooone!!Alone is so a relief retired and most friends left town...Don't ask,bad enough but to read experienced Playa's experiences with BPD, LOL LOL I feel soooooo much better now....These gals are CLASSIC NUT'S And there is honor in being so good at yourself that they felt you priceless enough to sho dat Brainyass...Write it down...