Newbie.. Can you guys offer me some advice. Thanks!

[knicks13]

Ill try to make this brief as possible, which will be hard...Im 25 she is 22

So we have known each other for a while, she has been an acquaintance i started seeing this girl romantically, we had a very good date 2 months ago.. A baseball game, amusement rides and kissing and making out on the beach at night (I guess such date does not happen often to a person in their lifetime).. Since then i saw her couple more times

After the date she canceled on me the next one ( I was like forget it, i didnt call her back for 2 days), i had no idea it turns out she ended up in hospital due to exhaustion/low blood sugar, shes a nurse she has a pretty full schedule and was overworking herself.. We spoke on the phone about this, and she said she was crying because i didnt bother calling her, or texting her, even to see why she canceled (But i had no idea she was in hospital at that time)

So i saw her the following week (She LOOKED DEAD TIRED) She said i was about to cancel again i have so much crap going on. I was like OH YEA? Why didnt you cancel then? Her response: Because i knew you would be pissed and would never call me again, i was like you damn right.

After not seeing her for a bit, because she had alot on her plate, moving, school, job. I saw her online and as soon as i signed on she messages me saying "We have to party soon!"..(During our small break where we didnt talk i menton to her that I MIGHT BE MOVING, this really seemed to bring her interest alot, I really didnt set up anything up during the convo because i didnt have the time to see her)

So then her birthday was coming up, i was not able to see her. So i was like let me cheer this girl up a bit, she has been through alot of crap.. Let me a write a poem (I know this is where you all will say you stupid ass AFC!) It was nothing dramatic just something short to cheer her up a bit.

After she read it, she texted me thanking me (saying it was sweet and flatering) and saying we will hang out soon, and also called me couple of hours later to thank me personally on the phone.. ( I regreted sending the poem, but i guess her reaction could of been worse, but for some reason i regretted it)

So this week i go online, and im online for about 15 minutes i guess she realized i was not going to message her, so she messages me..We had a nice conversation then at the end, ( I gave her another hint during the convo that i might be moving, and her response was "So i guess this means you are gonna move? And i told well lets just say im trying my best not, to which is true)

Then after that out of the blue she says "Im so pissed this idiot cancelled on me! I was like Yea what the hell you talking about? She was like i had a date with this guy HE MADE ME swear TO HIM every week for the past 4 weeks that I WOULD not cancell on him, and he comes out cancelling on me!

(WTF was she trying to do what was the point of her telling me this?..Trying to test me, to see if i would go crazy and question her?! Trying to make me jealous?! Why would she even attempt this, if she knows i like her? So then i said jokingly so you got time to set up dates with other dudes but u dont have time for me even though i may be leaving soon, she said IM SO sorry but i set this up 4 weeks ago and it was his and mine birthday so its not something that i set up just yesterday

My question is, is there any chance i can bring her interest back again so she will ask me to hang out? (You may say well why dont u tell her to hang out? Because she has cancelled on me couple other times and i dont know if it was legitimate cancellation or games)... And as you guys have said on this board. Actions speak louder then words.

My friend suggested when we speak online next time to send her an IM out of the blue during our convo saying "Well you shouldnt get so horny at the movies next time" He thinks she will respond by saying WHAT?!, then he said to say "Whoops wrong person, sorry bout that"

He said this will make her nuts, and she will go crazy thinking how is it damn possible, what did i do?! He wrote such a nice sweet poem for me, and now all of a sudden he is seeing someone potentially new and maybe screwing her?

PS: I guess some of you might say well your situation isnt really that bad what are you complaining about? Well the deal is im frustrated because i have not seen her for a bit, and i do want to see her more often. I also sort of know IF she really wanted to see me she would find some time..Do you think his advice might work, or backfire?

Thanks for your help guys

 

[penkitten]

why did she mention the other guy?
because she wanted a response from you to clear up if you were still interested in her or not.
is she still interested in you?
heck yes, or she wouldn't be doing all this.

it was a sh!t test, and you handled it just fine.

when are you going to get together with her?

 

[knicks13]

penkitten,

But there was no reason for her at all to mention the other guy. Because I KNOW that she KNOWS that i like her....Are you trying to suggest that just because i didnt IM her first she started worrying that i might not be interested? I dont think thats the case..

I dont know when we will be together again.. Because like i said, im thinking she is playing games for some reason. Although i dont have really solid concrete evidence of that.. I was thinking not setting up anything for a week, and just dissapear to make her wonder what im doing

You say also this may be a test.. Well i dont know, im pretty sure she had something set up with him (whoever it is) because as she said she set this up 4 weeks ago, and that is exactly the last time i saw her which was 4 weeks ago (Someone called her, and texted her while we were at the movies during that time) But like i said i tried to play it off cool, and even said hey i cant control whenever some other dude cancels. i only have control over when we have our dates, she said haha lol ur funny

I just feel perhaps she is making alot of effort in terms of communication, but not making enough of effort in scheduling things, and especially seeing me. Which every 4 weeks is not ideally what i have in mind

 

[penkitten]

ok, maybe she did have a date set just because someone called her and texted her while you were on that date. but it might have been her two best gfs also.

she remembers it was four weeks ago that you last seen each other.
so the math part is easy to remember.

the following is my attempt to explain what is going on in lady talk.
1. you had a few fun dates, then she has to cancel because she is ill and goes to the er. she does not know why you do not call, but thinks you possibly just dont care. (high interest)
2.you set up a new date, and even though she is still ill, she shows up, because she knows if she cancels then you are a goner.(high interest)
3.you dont see her for a while, everyone has stuff going on, she sees you online and cant wait to message you to say "lets go party SOON" you tell her you might be moving but you dont ask her out. (high interest, wants to see you before you move )
4.you miss her birthday, but you send a poem that she adores so she texts you and calls you to thank you and hopes that you will ask her out. (high interest)
5.you get online and she is already online. you dont message her. so after a while of waiting she messages you. she asks if you are moving, and then she gives you the bait. she brings up the other guy and a date that he canceled meaning that she is available. (high interest)
6. you respond "if you are setting up dates with other guys you dont have time for me even though i might be moving soon."
7. she tells you it was set up in advance during a period that you were not seeing her. (this sets the social scene and might make you jealous. she is implying "take me out before someone else snags me up.")
((high interest))

hope that clears some things up.

 

[Last Man Standing]

That is what you get for playing games! Why are you Im'ing her?? For what purpose? Stop it! See her or move on!!!

 

[knicks13]

Thanks penkitten for explaining in baby terms lol no but that was really helpful..If i can add two more details, when i mentioned that im moving she automatically invited herself saying well if you are moving im still going to come and see you. ( I was thinking in my head well huh? I didnt even invite you ll)

Also i remember during one of our phone calls she said once " i wish you would call me more, not just only when you want to hang out" That caught me off guard, im not one of your girlfriend where we can chit chat for hours.

But i hope you are right, i just feel like if she was so interested she would be making more of an effort calling, or texting saying hey i was wondering if you want to hang for a bit on whatever to see me..

I personally feel uncomfortable asking her to hang out because of the mixed cancellations in the past, although she did make up for them for some of them. I dont want to put myself in kind of a needy way asking her to hang out again

Last Man: Me playing games?! I have not been playing games at all with her i dont know where you are getting this? Why am i IM'ing her , what are you talking about?!? Sorry im just confused with your post

 

[penkitten]

she is trying to make an effort to talk to you, by telling you to call her to chit chat and inviting herself to hang out with you.
you dont seem needy to her, you seem socially busy to her.
you have already done a ton of things, that others on this site, are begging for insight on.
you are being a mystery to her.

wanna know how much she wants to see you?
call her up and say that you can meet her at xxx for coffee in a little while but you gotta get off the phone to call your new job/landlord /whatever to find out if you are for sure moving. then let her go.
if she shows up, you know she has very high interest, and you can just tell her that you have been tied up on the phone about it and plans are still not definite yet.

 

[Last Man Standing]

The ONLY way to gauge interest is with personal human contact and NOT through the phone or computer! Call or IM her for the purpose of seeing her!!! If she doesn't comply with your demand then move on!

 

[knicks13]

Last Man standing, now i understand what you are saying thanks for the input

PenKitten,

I actually did give her an invitation...When she called me to thank me for them poem, I told her i was going to my high school reunion BBQ and afterparty at a lounge. She was interested in the after party, but ultimately canceled couple hours later saying " hey im not gonna be able to make it, i forgot that my sister wanted to take me out for my bday because she missed it. So we will catch up soon though. Have fun 2 nite"

What was i supposed to think?! 'It made me wonder did she really have those plans? Or is this another excuse because maybe something better came up that evening?!(Its to the point where im just wondering, is this legit excuse, is this really whats happening, should i believe it).....Although the next day we spoke and she said i didnt end up hanging with my sister because she started acting stupid about some stuff so i was like forget it..

Im guessing you suggestion is call her in the next couple of days and arrange some plans?

 

[penkitten]

The ONLY way to gauge interest is with personal human contact and NOT through the phone or computer! Call or IM her for the purpose of seeing her!!! If she doesn't comply with your demand then move on!

i believe that last man standing is right.
call her up and set something up, if she doesnt go out, move on.
if she goes out, then you know the interest level is still high.

 

[knicks13]

Got it, thanks for your help guys

 

[Last Man Standing]

Yes, men are the initiators!! Why are men contacting/pursuing women? To SEE and interact with them for a purpose - not to entertain or frolick about!! Women know this - do you??

 

[knicks13]

Last Man,

Yea of course i agree, but i would think that you would say hey i mean seems you are not sure and she has not been able to keep all the dates you schedule with her (which is understandable) for whatever reasons playing games, or legitimate reason.. I just thought you would say well its for her to intiate now if she likes you that much...

But now i understand that no matter how much she likes me, since im a man i have to do it...

 

[Last Man Standing]

No one here can tell you when you are getting shafted - only you can determine! Through the inflection in her voice or the cold shoulder or the lame excuses can you determine what is real! The point is human contact - this is the final test - not promises or possibilities, but human contact!

 

[Obsidian]

Penkitten is right about the im. You obviously need to read the Great One's excellent treatises on the language of w0manese.

If she says,

This guy came and STARED at me. It was creepy! He kept telling me how beautiful I was and how he wanted to go out with me!

Other guys think I am beautiful, lovely, and want to date me. Why don't you?

Learn to identify the FEELING coming from her. Don't even listen to her words, FEEL how she says it and why. With the above example, the feeling is guys finding her beautiful. As guys, we would think, "What a creepy guy!" or "Why are you not telling this to your girlfriends?" She is transmitting a FEELING, not a thought, and this FEELING is that guys find her beautiful. She wants you to know this because she wants YOU to ask her out!

On top of that, penkitten and Lastman are both right in their advice: Ask her out again. If she says no, move on. Don't bother trying to "raise her interest level." That only really works on hors and only for a short time. Try to find a woman who really connects with you. If this woman doesn't, then give her a chance to disqualify herself. (ie, Ask her out, and in so doing, give her a chance to turn you down or otherwise act flaky.)

But I understand your confusion. You are right in not wanting to put up with games. I think you also need to remember to take charge and lead a bit more, tho.

oh yeah, and stay off the instant messengers