(A long tldr after the asterisks)
Hi, I'm totally new here. I just found the red pill. I've read Rolo's book twice in the past month. It's incredible. Some chapters just knock me off my feet; "Game", for example. I've watched a bunch of red pill stuff almost every day since then. Entrepreneurs in Cars (416 represent), and Alpha Mating Strategies. He's got some really good tips!
I come from a David D, Corey Wayne, Zan Perrion style background. I was never a PUA, although I always wished I were. I have natural intelligence, humour & playfulness. It took me years to use those things to my advantage. I had to become good at flirting and it's been a wild ****ing trip with so much frustration...I'm sure you guys know! I still hold onto a limiting belief about leagues, an occasional need for validation, and neediness when dealing with new girls. It's not always there, and there are times I'm authentically confident, et al. I notice it mostly with new women, and feel the neediness when new girls don't play along with my desire...aka, flakes or rejections. I've had quite a few really stellar experiences with women. All the way from the first number close (I was so excited! Turned out to be a fake lol), to the time I gave a shotgun-riding-female-friend's gf (who was riding in the back of my car) an orgasm simply by the way I was speaking (I have a nice, deep voice. Her orgasm was silent, thankfully lol). She told me this after we had ****ed. She absolutely loved to give head...it was pretty fun watching TNG while she went down on me.
I'm 40. I'm slightly above average successful in life and with women. I've always wanted more! I was raised a beta and was super awkward with girls until I was 25 and decided to change it. I'm also not the most socially aware guy, but my parents were hippies and I have a lot of grounded presence energy. I'm a really slow learner in this field, and I don't think I REALLY started to get a modicum of game until I was like 30 haha. I've had multiple girlfriends. My longest LTR is always ~2 years, of which I've had 4.
Blah blah blah.
So...The point of this post. I'm in Ukraine. Travelling around. Finding my path. Blah blah. One and a half years ago I meet this woman (35) at a beach party. She's fairly attractive (I have overly high standards. She can actually look quite good when she wants
) and hunted by most of the other men there. I am in full-on hunting mode, so anybody who catches my eye will get hit on. She was a chase. A good chase though. She let me chase her, but she also tested. It was interesting and the cultural differences were quite pronounced. She absolutely did not like holding hands, or even touching on the first date. She wrote me yesterday in a postmortem that our first kiss, which I think wasn't even until date 2/3 (I don't remember it at all) was magical for her. I also think I was the best **** she's ever had. She has said multiple times how good it was, but I think she would never say it was the best cos she wouldn't want my ego to get too big. I have come to enjoy more and more (starting with the car orgasm girl above) the rougher side of sex. My gf likes throat holding, a little face slapping, and to be tossed around and banged hard. It's raw and sometimes I feel so much RRRRRRRRR that I don't even know how to channel the energy. It's like I can't **** her hard enough. It's good but also a little frustrating. I think there’s a deeper level to sex that I’m avoiding. I’m sensual (not the candle type guy), very good at touch, and slow during foreplay, and I know how to turn it on hard. But I don’t feel a deep sense of love or bonding. I don’t know if that’s a Tantric thing that I just haven’t exposed myself to or if I’m just too closed for that type of bonding.
When we first met I told her I was into open relationships. She didn't like that; no women does. (Well actually, cargasm girl was totally fine with it! I think she just wanted to **** me for a month to get over an ex. Fine.) Anyway, I also told her I was just passing thru, so not to expect a long term thing. I never found a good reason to leave Ukraine so we've been together for 1.5 years. It's been good. We've had a lot of fun together, some pretty heavy fights, some good sex, and some communication breakdowns. I gave her exclusive rights for over a year and then realized that I couldn't lie to myself anymore and had to continue dating others. To be honest, I only gave her exclusive rights because I didn't really have any other prospect at the time #scarcity. I'm not very good at getting new girls, it *usually* takes a while for me (I think I've only had 5-10 short term catches). In the past few months I've chatted with dozens & connected (to varying degrees) with 3 or 4 girls, but none of them went anywhere interesting. There's one new girl, very cute (25), that I am 95% sure I'll be ****ing this week. I would have last week but she had to leave for Germany for 10 days. I think breaking up with my gf was made a little easier because of this almost sure thing.
My gf knows I've been going on dates and have kissed other girls. It's been a dark cloud for a few months. Over the 1.5y relationship I've constantly shown her the door and meant it, sometimes myself just walking away. She comes back and I know she will. I've been strong in my conviction and it's been a nice upward shift in that area for me. Honing my "this is what it is; take it or leave it" attitude in the previous few years has been an interesting ride. #GrowingUp.
She has put her family plans on hold because she said she would rather be with me until I travel somewhere else. She knew I would never be her husband and was OK with delaying it. I think she fell in love with me faster than she leads on. If I asked her to marry me I suspect she would. I don’t want that, though.
Anyway, now we finally get to the point! I can write a lot, and enjoy it, so I hope you enjoyed reading this.
******
I don't know what my moral obligation is. She's very clear on not wanting to be poly, and I'm very clear on wanting to date other women. She feels humiliated and lonely lately; she says her needs aren't being met. For me it's not ONLY about getting new ***** (which I do love), it's about growing and overcoming fear and becoming a better man. I'm not sure I can explain this to any woman; I'm sure you guys get it. I can't just let go of this need: I feel like it's the driving force in my life. Sometimes I feel like there's an addictive nature to my womanizing, and that's the very reason I feel like I need to go all the way with it: “a fool who persists in his folly becomes wise”. If I stop before I learn my lessons then I won't release my shadow. It's been a really slow & frustrating journey in the land of women...anger, sad, confusion. I want to feel like a man who attracts gorgeous women, not a boy who chases the women he can’t get because of insecurity.
Do I let her go? I can't decide. I could be a leader and end things, because she clearly is incapable of doing so; I think it's in her best interest. Or I could keep pulling her back in and let her make her own decisions as an adult (she already knows her heart and mind are telling her different things). I think the fight yesterday finally marks the end--after 3 false stops. I have different perspectives that I ruminate on this problem from. My heart tells me to do the right thing, which I think is releasing her, but then my other heart (I guess one of them is having an identity crisis) tells me that life is bigger than that, there's more at play here, and as long as we enjoy being together we should (it might be scarcity that thinks this second thought). These past few months have been really hard on her, and unless she can come to accept my behaviour she will just feel destroyed. I've been trying to teach her about jealousy and sharing, but it doesn't seem to make an impact. She says it’s not her issue to deal with: why should she have to do shadow work on feelings that my behavior is causing. I don't want to manipulate her into thinking she has inner issues to work on when really it’s just my ego trying to keep her around. She definitely still has genuine desire. And blah blah blah.
Thanks for reading. I want to find a way we can both get our needs met. There's also a bigger issue at play here that I hope some of you older, wiser men can catch and impart some words onto. Thoughts?
Hi, I'm totally new here. I just found the red pill. I've read Rolo's book twice in the past month. It's incredible. Some chapters just knock me off my feet; "Game", for example. I've watched a bunch of red pill stuff almost every day since then. Entrepreneurs in Cars (416 represent), and Alpha Mating Strategies. He's got some really good tips!
I come from a David D, Corey Wayne, Zan Perrion style background. I was never a PUA, although I always wished I were. I have natural intelligence, humour & playfulness. It took me years to use those things to my advantage. I had to become good at flirting and it's been a wild ****ing trip with so much frustration...I'm sure you guys know! I still hold onto a limiting belief about leagues, an occasional need for validation, and neediness when dealing with new girls. It's not always there, and there are times I'm authentically confident, et al. I notice it mostly with new women, and feel the neediness when new girls don't play along with my desire...aka, flakes or rejections. I've had quite a few really stellar experiences with women. All the way from the first number close (I was so excited! Turned out to be a fake lol), to the time I gave a shotgun-riding-female-friend's gf (who was riding in the back of my car) an orgasm simply by the way I was speaking (I have a nice, deep voice. Her orgasm was silent, thankfully lol). She told me this after we had ****ed. She absolutely loved to give head...it was pretty fun watching TNG while she went down on me.
I'm 40. I'm slightly above average successful in life and with women. I've always wanted more! I was raised a beta and was super awkward with girls until I was 25 and decided to change it. I'm also not the most socially aware guy, but my parents were hippies and I have a lot of grounded presence energy. I'm a really slow learner in this field, and I don't think I REALLY started to get a modicum of game until I was like 30 haha. I've had multiple girlfriends. My longest LTR is always ~2 years, of which I've had 4.
Blah blah blah.
So...The point of this post. I'm in Ukraine. Travelling around. Finding my path. Blah blah. One and a half years ago I meet this woman (35) at a beach party. She's fairly attractive (I have overly high standards. She can actually look quite good when she wants
) and hunted by most of the other men there. I am in full-on hunting mode, so anybody who catches my eye will get hit on. She was a chase. A good chase though. She let me chase her, but she also tested. It was interesting and the cultural differences were quite pronounced. She absolutely did not like holding hands, or even touching on the first date. She wrote me yesterday in a postmortem that our first kiss, which I think wasn't even until date 2/3 (I don't remember it at all) was magical for her. I also think I was the best **** she's ever had. She has said multiple times how good it was, but I think she would never say it was the best cos she wouldn't want my ego to get too big. I have come to enjoy more and more (starting with the car orgasm girl above) the rougher side of sex. My gf likes throat holding, a little face slapping, and to be tossed around and banged hard. It's raw and sometimes I feel so much RRRRRRRRR that I don't even know how to channel the energy. It's like I can't **** her hard enough. It's good but also a little frustrating. I think there’s a deeper level to sex that I’m avoiding. I’m sensual (not the candle type guy), very good at touch, and slow during foreplay, and I know how to turn it on hard. But I don’t feel a deep sense of love or bonding. I don’t know if that’s a Tantric thing that I just haven’t exposed myself to or if I’m just too closed for that type of bonding.When we first met I told her I was into open relationships. She didn't like that; no women does. (Well actually, cargasm girl was totally fine with it! I think she just wanted to **** me for a month to get over an ex. Fine.) Anyway, I also told her I was just passing thru, so not to expect a long term thing. I never found a good reason to leave Ukraine so we've been together for 1.5 years. It's been good. We've had a lot of fun together, some pretty heavy fights, some good sex, and some communication breakdowns. I gave her exclusive rights for over a year and then realized that I couldn't lie to myself anymore and had to continue dating others. To be honest, I only gave her exclusive rights because I didn't really have any other prospect at the time #scarcity. I'm not very good at getting new girls, it *usually* takes a while for me (I think I've only had 5-10 short term catches). In the past few months I've chatted with dozens & connected (to varying degrees) with 3 or 4 girls, but none of them went anywhere interesting. There's one new girl, very cute (25), that I am 95% sure I'll be ****ing this week. I would have last week but she had to leave for Germany for 10 days. I think breaking up with my gf was made a little easier because of this almost sure thing.
My gf knows I've been going on dates and have kissed other girls. It's been a dark cloud for a few months. Over the 1.5y relationship I've constantly shown her the door and meant it, sometimes myself just walking away. She comes back and I know she will. I've been strong in my conviction and it's been a nice upward shift in that area for me. Honing my "this is what it is; take it or leave it" attitude in the previous few years has been an interesting ride. #GrowingUp.
She has put her family plans on hold because she said she would rather be with me until I travel somewhere else. She knew I would never be her husband and was OK with delaying it. I think she fell in love with me faster than she leads on. If I asked her to marry me I suspect she would. I don’t want that, though.
Anyway, now we finally get to the point! I can write a lot, and enjoy it, so I hope you enjoyed reading this.
******
I don't know what my moral obligation is. She's very clear on not wanting to be poly, and I'm very clear on wanting to date other women. She feels humiliated and lonely lately; she says her needs aren't being met. For me it's not ONLY about getting new ***** (which I do love), it's about growing and overcoming fear and becoming a better man. I'm not sure I can explain this to any woman; I'm sure you guys get it. I can't just let go of this need: I feel like it's the driving force in my life. Sometimes I feel like there's an addictive nature to my womanizing, and that's the very reason I feel like I need to go all the way with it: “a fool who persists in his folly becomes wise”. If I stop before I learn my lessons then I won't release my shadow. It's been a really slow & frustrating journey in the land of women...anger, sad, confusion. I want to feel like a man who attracts gorgeous women, not a boy who chases the women he can’t get because of insecurity.
Do I let her go? I can't decide. I could be a leader and end things, because she clearly is incapable of doing so; I think it's in her best interest. Or I could keep pulling her back in and let her make her own decisions as an adult (she already knows her heart and mind are telling her different things). I think the fight yesterday finally marks the end--after 3 false stops. I have different perspectives that I ruminate on this problem from. My heart tells me to do the right thing, which I think is releasing her, but then my other heart (I guess one of them is having an identity crisis) tells me that life is bigger than that, there's more at play here, and as long as we enjoy being together we should (it might be scarcity that thinks this second thought). These past few months have been really hard on her, and unless she can come to accept my behaviour she will just feel destroyed. I've been trying to teach her about jealousy and sharing, but it doesn't seem to make an impact. She says it’s not her issue to deal with: why should she have to do shadow work on feelings that my behavior is causing. I don't want to manipulate her into thinking she has inner issues to work on when really it’s just my ego trying to keep her around. She definitely still has genuine desire. And blah blah blah.
Thanks for reading. I want to find a way we can both get our needs met. There's also a bigger issue at play here that I hope some of you older, wiser men can catch and impart some words onto. Thoughts?
