New Jokes Thread

[gav]

why do women have faces?
so you can tell which cvnt's yours

 

[Raven125]

Q. What's a blond with pigtails?... A: A Blow job with handle bars.

 

[UltimateScoundrel]

Why did the woman cross the road?


Who cares! What is she doing out of the kitchen?



I got thrown out of preschool. The teacher told me to sit indian style so I went out and laid on the curb with a bottle of whisky.


This cowpoke is looking to become the fastest gun in the west. He walks into a saloon and sees and old gunslinger and asks him for tips on how to become a better gunfighter.

The old man says," First, take the trigger guard off of your pistol."

So, the cowpoke takes the trigger guard off of his pistol, puts in the holster, and draws it real quick, BLAM! He shoots the bowtie off the piano player.

He says, "That was great, have any more tips?"

"Cut a notch in your holster where the hammer hits it."

The cowpoke does it, draws is gun extremely quickly. BLAM BLAM! He shoots the cufflinks off the piano player.

By this time he's really excited, and he asks for more tips.

"Take that jar of axle grease and smear it all over your gun."

The cowpoke does it, and can barely hang on to his weapon. He asks, "Will this make me a better gunfighter?"

The old man replies, "No, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano he's going to shove that gun up your a$$ and it sure will hurt a lot less."

 

[Aztec]

Originally posted by Kidquick
- What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

- "See you next month!"

Haven't heard of that one before. Funny!

 

[Spoiled3289]

This is the funniest joke I have EVER been told in my entire life:

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. Bartender gives him the drink as the guy takes out a small piano, a small stool, and a foot tall little man. The little man sits down and starts playing this piano beautifully. Bartender says to the guy That's pretty cool how'd you get that? The guy says Well I got a magic lamp so I rubbed it and a genie came out and said he'd grant me one wish. The guy says can i see it? So the guy gets his magic lamp out of pocket and gives it to the bartender. The bartender rubs the lamp and the genie comes out. The genie says he'll grant him one wish. The guy says I wish I had a million bucks. Next thing, there's a million ducks in the bar. The bartender says I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks! The guy says and you think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?!?!?

 

[Squy]

Two guys hunting in a forest. Then they came across some track. The other said, "look there is some bear track"
- "no fool, that's moose track"
- "No no just look, you dumbass, its clearly a bear"
- "no its not"
And so they stood there and fight over what who the track really belong to.

Suddenly they both got run over by a train.

 

[Aztec]

Keep 'em coming!

 

[DJBen]

Michael Jackson turns to Gary Glitter, looking slightly morose.

"Got a ten for two fives?"

 

[gav]

prior knowledge required (matthew harding died in a helicopter crash)

joke:

what's the difference between matthew harding and freddy mercury?

only five men went down on matthew harding's chopper

 

[Squy]

http://www.sterilecreed.com/weather/ About the hurricanes and storms lately

 

[Walken]

Originally posted by Tryin to Grow a Chin
Q: What's the worst part of having sex with a four-year-old boy?

A: Getting the blood out of the clown suit.

That's damn funny, I like Demon's too.
This loses something being typed but.....

What's the best part about ****ing 28 year olds?
There's 20 of em.

 

[DJDamage]

A guy and his wife are lying in bed when the husband starts caressing her back.

"Not tonight, dear," she says. "I have an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow." The husband rolls over and tries to go to sleep. A few minutes later, he turns back and again starts caressing her back.

"Honey, stop," she says. "I told you I have to go to the gynecologist in the morning."

"I know," he answers. "But you don’t have to go to the dentist, do you?"

 

[gav]

what do you call an epileptic in a deckchair?

transformer

 

[D'light]

A couple had been married for 70 years. For their anniversarry, the man decided to take his wife to the same place where they went for their honeymoon. On the night of their anniversary, the wife walked out of the bathroom wearing nothing at all.
She asked her husband what was going through his head exactly 70 years ago. The man replied, "I'm going to f*ck this woman's brains out and suck her t!tties dry." Well, what are you thinking tonight? "I suceeded", the man replied

Bob Saggat told that joke at standup at my school 3 nights ago.

also
What's the best part of having sex with an infant?
Hearing his spine crack

 

[Snatchmaster]

Philip the Puss Sucker

This guy make his living sucking the puss out of other people's zits and boils. One night he get a phone call and a woman is on the other end of the line.

"You've got to come over quick. There's a boil on my azzhole, and every time I sh!t it feels like I have hemerroids."

So Phil goes to the woman's house. When she opens the door, he sees the fattest woman he's ever encountered: 350lbs., easy.

He enters the house and says, "ok. Let's get this over with."

The woman lifts her tutu and bends over the back of the couch.

Spreading her azz, he see a boil the size of a golfball, right on the edge of her azzhole. He sticks his head in her azz, and starts sucking the puss from the boil.

He's about half-way through sucking out the puss when suddenly, the fat lady lets out a loud, gooey, blinding fart.

At this, Phil extracts his head from the woman's buttocks, wipes his eyes and says, "Lady, please don't make my job disgusting."

 

[gav]

Originally posted by D'light
What's the best part of having sex with an infant?
Hearing his spine crack

i couldn't stop laughing at this one

 

[DJDamage]

AFC's Revenge!

There was once a pair of high school sweethearts. When they graduated, they wanted to go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend any time they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she told him that she wanted to date around. He didn't want to do this, and he increased his calls, letters and e-mails, trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, she took a Polaroid picture of her blowing her new boyfriend and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."

Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but even more so, he was pissed. So he wrote on the back of the photo: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

 

[jakeyboy]

4 nuns die and are standing at pearly gates

saint peter tells them, those of you who have seen men's private parts are to wash themselves in holy water

nun one says "i have seen men's private parts"

Saint peter says... "wash your eyes in holy water and pass through"

nun two says "i have touched men's private parts"

Saint peter says "wash your hands in holy water and pass through"

the fourth nun taps the third nun on the shoulder and whispers

"can you swap places with me? i'd like to gargle that holy water before you go sitting your ass in it."

 

[Dee-Zy]

Out for the Night

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid B!tch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not sh!t in the vegetable garden again either!"

 

[Paranoid]

What did one gay sperm tell another?
How do we find an egg in all this s h i t?

Whats the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
A man actually looks for the golf ball.

Why do Gorillas have big noses?
Because they have big fingers.

A girl eats up her mother and father.What is she?
An orphan.