New girl, but still psyched by ex LTR BPD girl

[countermart]

OK guys any suggestions from those that have been psyched out by a Borderline in a LTR in the past and how to come back from this?

I’ve been hunting around for a new girl with LTR potential. About a month ago I met an attractive girl about 10 years younger, surprisingly innocent, and fun. Seemed into me from the start, so I assumed she must be a doctor or lawyer (the only girls I attract ha, ha), but I was wrong she’s a dentist.

So we are going along well and she has been nothing but kind and respectful in and out of bed. My problem is that I am like a dog with a former master that beat him. All the time I am assuming it is only a matter of time till I see the other “bad” side of her, this is giving me anxiety in bed and lowering my performance (although she says she’s having great fun), and also making me ultra cautious with the relationship and trust.

Is time with this girl the only thing that will fix this damage, or do you recovered from BPD ex guys have any other suggestions?

Thanks for your help,

Countermart.

 

[KontrollerX]

"Is time with this girl the only thing that will fix this damage, or do you recovered from BPD ex guys have any other suggestions?"

Lazy people who don't want to take the time to actually get to know and help someone on a forum or even in real life often throw out the token "get therapy" reply that comes off as so callous and insensitive but it really is true after you've gone through the ringer with one of these Cluster B's.

If you find that too shameful or you just can't be bothered you'll just have to hope time heals all wounds but it usually doesn't in cases like this unless its combined with the action of getting therapy and putting in some work with a psychotherapist to repair your wounded psyche.

Another alternative is you can buy this book and see if it helps...

http://tinyurl.com/my3tj3

 

[jophil28]

Countermart, it appears that you and the new chick are heading toward an LTR and your hypervigilance is concerning you in several ways.

Richard Sherritt is a psychologist who writes eloquently about CLuster B women. He was married to one.
He has written a couple of books to assist those of us who have been manipulated, lied to and played by a BPD. He points out that BPD victims suffer the same distress and demonstrate similar symptoms to those seen in combat vets with PTSD.

Secondly, it may help to mitigate your anxiety by running the qualifying assessments that Guru wrote about in his last thread.

A Dentist huh ? I assume that she has good oral habits...he he .

 

[jophil28]

Do you know the name of the books or a link? I can't find anything by this name.

Thanks.

I will dig up the info about Skerritt and PM ya.

 

[yuppaz]

Hey guys,

sounds like a somewhat similar experience to mine. I'm getting better with women, but don't know if I can move forward much because of the trauma of being with the bpd girl for 7 years.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Countermart,
You are not alone Brother,these Women leave walking wounded all over the battlefield.....call it baggage but I had one about five years ago,it really makes you gun shy....If its any consolation it does gradually go,like ripples from a stone thrown in a quiet pool....but maybe a little wariness on these matters is a wise thing.

 

[Unbridled_Phoenix]

Scaramouche....the legend continues

 

[Sinistar]

KontrollerX gave solid advice. For what you went through do not feel ashamed in any way for seeking help. The ripples Scaramouche talks of will go away provided one thing - you stop casting more stones in the water. Although she is no longer present, feeding her more and more energy (ie thinking of her, analyzing things, comparing her, self-validating her treatment of you, extended therapy, etc) just creates more ripples.

The worst thing for a person is often time. We know certain things will take time. We know we can not control time yet we try to find ways around it or to speed through it. Most of the world is doing this daily. They are getting nowhere. I'd argue they are mostly going backwards.

You don't have to be that person, even though you experienced what you did. It may feel wrong or seem too slow or as if you're missing out but put the priority on you first. Get healthy. Put yourself, your career, your family and friends first (more or less in that order).

Then you can make a much healthier decision regarding women. Should you keep meeting women in the meantime - sure. But until you really feel at peace with your self and your goals you owing your life's frame you might want to be much more aware of this mindset :

I’ve been hunting around for a new girl with LTR potential.

Sure this might be your cure, but for a lot of people it is their attempt to speed through that needed healing / discovery time. All to soon, they doubt themselves or self-fulfill that this next relationship is somehow doomed. Then when what might have been a relationship with a decent girl fails because your baggage was too much (for any healthy person) to deal with you're left with another failure, even lower self-esteem, zeroed out confidence, etc.

Put another way, I sensed from that line above that you are hoping a relationship (with what appears to be a great woman to you) will heal things. Far more often than not it doesn't because you're too wounded too see things clearly. I hope very much in your case that I am wrong.

When you have this cluster-sh!t-B mess behind you I predict that a LTR will not be your first priority in life. Ironically, right about then, you'll probably meet an awesome woman for you. Then you'll have the tougher decision to make; marriage and kids or living the bachelor life - both have pros and cons (which you can find debated here to no end).

 

[danny62]

PTSD? Are you frekn kidding me? So THAT'S what it was! Hey guys...don't post much here...more of a lurker and do read a lot of the material. I was married to one myself and brother, some HARD times after it was done. Ironically, I remember thinking to myself one day that I would rather be serving in Iraq then to go through all of the 'mental issues' associated with recovery from that type of relationship. I've been in those trenches (as I'm sure VU has said) so I know your pain Countermart. If I were to contribute anything it would be this: Take care that your previous relationship with the BPD does not cloud your judgement with this girl. In other words, don't let the past bitterness interfere. You MAY have a gem here. Plus, I'm sure if anything is wrong with the new woman, you will be able to spot the symptoms much quicker than last time, thus avoiding a repeat. Try to relax, enjoy the time with her and keep your instincts on autopilot.

 

[countermart]

Hey guys I really appreciate the great feedback. Thank you very much.

Lazy people who don't want to take the time to actually get to know and help someone on a forum or even in real life often throw out the token "get therapy" reply that comes off as so callous and insensitive but it really is true after you've gone through the ringer with one of these Cluster B's.

Thanks Kontrollerx I appreciate this but think I would just be giving her more time. She is still in the picture taking me to court on the money side and I just want to get away from her. I will get the book suggested by you and have a read. It really does, feel like I would guess some type of PTS response.

Richard Sherritt is a psychologist who writes eloquently about CLuster B women. He was married to one.
He has written a couple of books to assist those of us who have been manipulated, lied to and played by a BPD. He points out that BPD victims suffer the same distress and demonstrate similar symptoms to those seen in combat vets with PTSD. Secondly, it may help to mitigate your anxiety by running the qualifying assessments that Guru wrote about in his last thread.

A Dentist huh ? I assume that she has good oral habits...he he .

Hey jophil28 will check the guy out. When I first met her I qualified her like an interrogation. She said she thought I was the crazy one ha ha. I told her the slightest sign of insanity and I’m out of here LOL. Dentist - Well let’s just say she was very innocent until she met me.

You are not alone Brother, these Women leave walking wounded all over the battlefield.....call it baggage but I had one about five years ago, it really makes you gun shy....If it’s any consolation it does gradually go, like ripples from a stone thrown in a quiet pool....but maybe a little wariness on these matters is a wise thing.

Yep Scaramouche – You know I see those posts of new guys asking about sticking with a BPD and really they have no idea the danger they are in, they sing you onto the rocks.

Put another way, I sensed from that line above that you are hoping a relationship (with what appears to be a great woman to you) will heal things. Far more often than not it doesn't because you're too wounded too see things clearly. I hope very much in your case that I am wrong.

Me too Sinistar – I think one of the primary things when you come out of a relationship with a BPD woman is that you realise almost nothing was real and you ask yourself “then how do I know if anything is real in the future”. Naturally, you question your own judgement. I can tell you however, that I am being very careful. In regard to LTRs I could be the kind of guy that turns over women in rapid pace, but I just do not feel that is very fulfilling for me. I like smart, girls that are attractive, innocent and fun, and above all now I see kindness as a primary thing for her to have.

Take care that your previous relationship with the BPD does not cloud your judgement with this girl. In other words, don't let the past bitterness interfere. You MAY have a gem here. Plus, I'm sure if anything is wrong with the new woman, you will be able to spot the symptoms much quicker than last time, thus avoiding a repeat. Try to relax, enjoy the time with her and keep your instincts on autopilot.

Danny62 thanks that is exactly what I am trying to do, still once bitten twice shy.

Thanks again guys.

Countermart

 

[Unbridled_Phoenix]

It usually takes a far sight longer than you think to recover from one of these. It's crappy to get into a relationship and then sabotage it because you realize you're nowhere near ready or even desirous of a LTR. Stay single for awhile man, "relationships" (I hate that word) hinder you more than they help you.

 

[Ballie]

Originally posted by COUNTERMART
Is time with this girl the only thing that will fix this damage, or do you recovered from BPD ex guys have any other suggestions?

It has been a year since I left my BPD lover. It was a crazy and dangerous affair - she being married with a pscho husband. But I knew that I had to leave. She still tries to contact me but I ignore the phone call's. I think that is the only way to do it. I am now in a relationship with a wonderfull woman. But I am still emotionally damaged, not only from her but also my ex wife. It does take time to heal and a good woman does help. But to trust fully again?
Time heals - eventually.

 

[jophil28]

Richard Sherritt is a psychologist who writes eloquently about CLuster B women. He was married to one.
.

My mistake, Skerritt is not a psychologist. He is an author , inventor, engineer and athlete -- ergo less jargon, and more cred.