I think one of the most important things I've learnt about women is summarised in the following sentence....
Never make someone a priority for whom you are only an option.
Most of us have been through situations where you really like a woman - and as much as you try to remain cool and unaffected you can't. They've gotten under your skin, they've played their own game really well and you are quite smitten, you feel a need to keep in touch with them, putting effort into serving their ego. Yet, sometimes on the face of things they seem only half hearted in their interest (sometimes replying to contact, but generally being the one to end a thread of conversation) or they allude to the fact they have other interested suitors - sometimes this is a sh1t test, but you can normally see through with a little bit of common sense and by not contacting them for a while. When they seem semi interested, you want to improve on it so generally do one of several things...
1. Make more of an effort. It's the competitive element, you try to prove you are keener, funnier, more worthy or doting than the other guys, you persist. You convince yourself that if you don't make an effort, you'll lose their attention and affections and they'll look for that attention elsewhere. When you hear back from them you feel really happy for a while, when you don't you feel down in the dumps, which often makes you put more effort in. It's both positive and negative reinforcement going on and the positive side releases lovely reward giving neuro-chemicals which make you feel elated and make you addicted, the negative side is the depressed feelings we get when they don't contact and those feelings aren't being fed.
2. Lessen contact. You withdraw yourself, lessening contact, hoping to spark their interest from your inaction into thinking "What's he doing, he hasn't contacted for a while?" "Maybe he's found another woman?" "Why's he not interested in me any more?".
So which is the correct approach? Well therein lies the problem. Sometimes persistence DOES pay off, in fact my best friend is married to a HB9 because he persisted chasing her, but from my experience in all honesty this is quite rare. The reason why he succeeded was because she was in a dead end relationship with an alcoholic, had no other option at the time, she had no social life, wasn't going out or meeting people, she started work at his place (a small business) and he was the only half decent guy there on the scene and was showing her fun. Circumstance!
Chasing a woman is often an overriding drive and however much you try to convince ourselves it's a bad idea, in a moment of madness after having a mental dialogue about it weighing up the pros and cons you'll send a text, email or make a quick call anyway. Without you realising the fact, this often may as well come with a huge flashing neon saying "I'm smitten with you", it lessens her attraction to you as she knows she is your priority and you are available at the drop of a hat. So what happens, she'll reply after making you wait and you think you stand in good stead with her, trying to get a conversation going until one time she doesn't reply. You see, deep down, if she has options then you are being kept as part of her male harem, there to massage her ego with attention. You are being weighed up for suitability but as one of the keener ones, less Alpha, so probably not in the running.
Personally, I think the second approach can be more successful, but it's not without pitfalls, as it can move us out of the game. Women can and do sometimes think men aren't interested and many of them have a sound "no chase policy" and will simply draw a line under us. However, the "Lessen contact" approach has the distinct advantage of making you look more mysterious, Alpha, busier and less desperate, it doesn't fuel the addictive cycle, it keeps your mind in a less desperate state, which makes you more able to look elsewhere. One advice though, if you are going "Lessen contact", abide by the same rules as "No Contact". So don't secretly pine after or stalk, looking at social network sites, photos etc., it is the dark addictive path the leads to "Make more of an effort".
"Lessen contact" is also the harder of the two to do, it takes discipline, strength and patience but the approach is much more beneficial to us in several other main ways, both relate to inherent human responses :
Investment : We are genetically programmed to protect our investments, things we've put time time and effort into, so by not investing in a woman you are more able to let go more readily if you need to, hurting you, your ego and your mental balance much less!
Attraction to the Unavailable / Unattainable
People are attracted to what they can't have, unavailability is rarity and is deemed to be a prized commodity, rare things are harder to find and so give the impression of higher value. A classic, humorous but simple experiment demonstrating this human response was where people were offered a Jelly Bean from a big sack, with the exception of a few of the colours their numbers were evenly distributed, but in the majority of cases people tended to pick the colours that were scarcest. Unavailable = attractive. So by being aloof, women are generally more attracted to you, win win.
Finally, ever noticed times when you've managed to pull really nice women but you've not been trying? It's down to one glaringly obvious thing... you didn't make them a priority when you were an option.
Just some thoughts, Ska.
Never make someone a priority for whom you are only an option.
Most of us have been through situations where you really like a woman - and as much as you try to remain cool and unaffected you can't. They've gotten under your skin, they've played their own game really well and you are quite smitten, you feel a need to keep in touch with them, putting effort into serving their ego. Yet, sometimes on the face of things they seem only half hearted in their interest (sometimes replying to contact, but generally being the one to end a thread of conversation) or they allude to the fact they have other interested suitors - sometimes this is a sh1t test, but you can normally see through with a little bit of common sense and by not contacting them for a while. When they seem semi interested, you want to improve on it so generally do one of several things...
1. Make more of an effort. It's the competitive element, you try to prove you are keener, funnier, more worthy or doting than the other guys, you persist. You convince yourself that if you don't make an effort, you'll lose their attention and affections and they'll look for that attention elsewhere. When you hear back from them you feel really happy for a while, when you don't you feel down in the dumps, which often makes you put more effort in. It's both positive and negative reinforcement going on and the positive side releases lovely reward giving neuro-chemicals which make you feel elated and make you addicted, the negative side is the depressed feelings we get when they don't contact and those feelings aren't being fed.
2. Lessen contact. You withdraw yourself, lessening contact, hoping to spark their interest from your inaction into thinking "What's he doing, he hasn't contacted for a while?" "Maybe he's found another woman?" "Why's he not interested in me any more?".
So which is the correct approach? Well therein lies the problem. Sometimes persistence DOES pay off, in fact my best friend is married to a HB9 because he persisted chasing her, but from my experience in all honesty this is quite rare. The reason why he succeeded was because she was in a dead end relationship with an alcoholic, had no other option at the time, she had no social life, wasn't going out or meeting people, she started work at his place (a small business) and he was the only half decent guy there on the scene and was showing her fun. Circumstance!
Chasing a woman is often an overriding drive and however much you try to convince ourselves it's a bad idea, in a moment of madness after having a mental dialogue about it weighing up the pros and cons you'll send a text, email or make a quick call anyway. Without you realising the fact, this often may as well come with a huge flashing neon saying "I'm smitten with you", it lessens her attraction to you as she knows she is your priority and you are available at the drop of a hat. So what happens, she'll reply after making you wait and you think you stand in good stead with her, trying to get a conversation going until one time she doesn't reply. You see, deep down, if she has options then you are being kept as part of her male harem, there to massage her ego with attention. You are being weighed up for suitability but as one of the keener ones, less Alpha, so probably not in the running.
Personally, I think the second approach can be more successful, but it's not without pitfalls, as it can move us out of the game. Women can and do sometimes think men aren't interested and many of them have a sound "no chase policy" and will simply draw a line under us. However, the "Lessen contact" approach has the distinct advantage of making you look more mysterious, Alpha, busier and less desperate, it doesn't fuel the addictive cycle, it keeps your mind in a less desperate state, which makes you more able to look elsewhere. One advice though, if you are going "Lessen contact", abide by the same rules as "No Contact". So don't secretly pine after or stalk, looking at social network sites, photos etc., it is the dark addictive path the leads to "Make more of an effort".
"Lessen contact" is also the harder of the two to do, it takes discipline, strength and patience but the approach is much more beneficial to us in several other main ways, both relate to inherent human responses :
Investment : We are genetically programmed to protect our investments, things we've put time time and effort into, so by not investing in a woman you are more able to let go more readily if you need to, hurting you, your ego and your mental balance much less!
Attraction to the Unavailable / Unattainable
People are attracted to what they can't have, unavailability is rarity and is deemed to be a prized commodity, rare things are harder to find and so give the impression of higher value. A classic, humorous but simple experiment demonstrating this human response was where people were offered a Jelly Bean from a big sack, with the exception of a few of the colours their numbers were evenly distributed, but in the majority of cases people tended to pick the colours that were scarcest. Unavailable = attractive. So by being aloof, women are generally more attracted to you, win win.
Finally, ever noticed times when you've managed to pull really nice women but you've not been trying? It's down to one glaringly obvious thing... you didn't make them a priority when you were an option.
Just some thoughts, Ska.
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