"Stop Asking Your Friends What to Text Her"

Your buddy Dave has been single for three years and thinks "hey u up" is a valid strategy. Your other buddy Mike just got dumped and told you to "just be yourself."

You showed them her text. You asked them to decode the emoji. You drafted four responses and sent the screenshot to the group chat for a vote.

She's been waiting forty minutes.

Put the phone down. Stop crowdsourcing your love life. Type something that sounds like you. Hit send. Then go do literally anything else with your evening.

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Never again will I be a chump

M

Midnight_Oil

Don Juan
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After much self-reflection on my failings and loneliness, I wrote these pledges to myself. All of this is already documented on here but I had to write it for myself.

Dear Women,

Never again will I apologize for the car I drive.

Never again will I apologize for my frugal spending.

Never again will I believe that you respect my work ethic.

Never again will I miss the gym for a social event.

Never again will I believe my scars don’t bother you.

Never again will I wait to date you.

Never again will I, “Just be friends.”

Never again will I continue a date after hearing, “Let’s just be friends.”

Never again will I speak to you after you break up with me.

Never again will I believe you won’t leave at a moment’s notice.

Never again will I believe your bull**** breakup reasons.

Never again will I believe that you will change.

Never again will I believe that you’re innocent.

Never again will I get wrapped up in your drama.

Never again will I believe that your ex-boyfriends were the problem.

Never again will I believe anything you say about feelings for me.

Never again will I write you letters.

Never again will I believe in or practice romance.

Never again will I believe in “the one”.

Never again will I believe that you will accompany me.

Never again will you see my heart.

Never again will I care about the outcome.

Never again will I be a chump.
 

"I just moved here from Florida."

That sentence contains at least five follow-up questions she WANTS you to ask. Where in Florida? What brought you here? How long have you been in the area? What do you miss? How does it compare to here?

She handed them to you on a silver platter. And you said, "Oh cool. I come here every week. I love this band. Ummm... pretty crowded tonight."

She smiled politely. Nodded. And never texted you back.

I was that guy for years. Talking too much. Listening too little. Panicking about my next sentence while she was literally feeding me the answers.

Then I found 22 rules that fixed the whole thing. Rule number one: shut up and listen. She'll tell you exactly what to say.

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ImTheDoubleGreatest!

ImTheDoubleGreatest!

Master Don Juan
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It took you 6 years to do this? Jesus. Well, at least it's done.

I gotta say though, this part really speaks to me:
Midnight_Oil said:
Never again will you see my heart.
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This is saddening but it is true for me just as much as the others. I don't think I can ever give my heart to a woman ever again, or even another person. Then again, it wasn't because of women that I'm like this either. Still saddening how you have an amazing ability that you are born with that you cannot even use
 
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