Nervous about getting nervous?

[Dirtheart]

It's completely illogical, but I keep worrying that I'm going to get nervous when chatting up a woman. I anticipate being nervous (and letting it show), therefore that's how I feel - despite not fearing rejection or anything else really.

To explain it a bit better, I get this voice in my head saying "you're getting nervous" or "I bet you look nervous" and it's only then I start to feel nervous. It makes me pretty paranoid.

I've tried blanking it out, I've tried affirmations, I'm generally a confident person, but I'm still looking for a solution to this strange paradox. Any help would be deeply appreciated.

 

[tonyw]

Just an idea, but one of the things that I do to overcome nervousness is to ACCEPT that I am nervous. Why fight it? Denying that you are nervous just makes you more nervous!!

Talking to strangers can be quite a nerve-wracking experience!!
Once you accept that you are nervous and just go ahead with what you are nervous of, the nervousness soon goes!!

Always tell yourself - I CAN DO THIS BECAUSE I'VE DONE IT LOADS OF TIMES BEFORE!!

 

[tonyw]

In fact this has just reminded me of something...

When I suffered oneitis real bad over someone, I practiced something. I used to visualise them together and I said this to myself ten times a day out loud: "I accept that I am jealous of <name> and <name>". After about ten days of doing this, I found that the jealousy just stopped!!

So I am going to try this for the next 10 days: I am going to visualise myself approaching women in public places (I walk up and start a convo, doesn't matter what) and I will say out loud ten times: "I accept that I am nervous of talking to women". Perhaps it's worth other people trying this? What have you got to lose? If it worked for jealousy, envy, etc., then I'm sure it can work for nervousness!!!!

Will let you know how it pans out...

 

[DJ Alejandro]

which goes to show that you haven't been approaching much.

that's ok. i have been too and until recently, the approach was one of my greatest fears. i put too much pressure on myself. but then i talk to the girl already, [rejected or not] i begin to wonder..

what was all the anxiety all about?

 

[Dirtheart]

Tonyw: You may be onto something there. I guess my biggest battle with nervousness is fighting it. Maybe if I just accepted it and find a way to cope while it is happening, it might not be such a problem.

Alejandro: You're right. Most things I worry about never turn out so bad in the end and I always feel great afterwards. It's just the anticipation I guess.

 

[gav]

tony is absolutely right. you have to accept it.

but don't call it nervousness. You are just excited. That is all. You get a rush of adrenaline that you've decided to call nervousness. Call it excitement.

It's like public speaking. You ALWAYS get a rush of adrenaline, but the effective public speakers manage to USE this adrenaline to better use than others. Here's a site http://www.youmeworks.com/fearofpublicspeaking.html

So with approaching women, you get the same adrenaline rush. Like tony says you've got to accept it. You will always get this rush! Always. Your heart will always beat faster when you approach women. But it's a good thing. I mean, people PAY money to experience the same adrenaline rush on rollercoasters. It is a good feeling! Just make sure you enjoy it while it still has its potency.

 

[tonyw]

Originally posted by Dirtheart
It's completely illogical, but I keep worrying that I'm going to get nervous when chatting up a woman. I anticipate being nervous (and letting it show), therefore that's how I feel - despite not fearing rejection or anything else really.

To explain it a bit better, I get this voice in my head saying "you're getting nervous" or "I bet you look nervous" and it's only then I start to feel nervous. It makes me pretty paranoid.

I've tried blanking it out, I've tried affirmations, I'm generally a confident person, but I'm still looking for a solution to this strange paradox. Any help would be deeply appreciated.

Also it's worth looking at a book that I purchased called 'Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness'.

Social Anxiety is really misunderstood and basically works on the premise that because YOU feel something, it's obvious that everyone else KNOWS you feel it. Blushing is a 'symptom' of social anxiety. I recommend this book to anyone as it set me on the road to recovery.

Also I read a good quote in another book that helped - I realised one day that I was getting anxious about getting anxious!! It's a vicious circle and causes no end of anxiety and it's caused by your thoughts about the situation, not the situation itself!!

BTW loved the reference of calling nervousness excitement - and that people pay to get that!!!! Spin it totally on it's head!!!

Have fun with it...

 

[radix]

Something that has helped me a lot is this:

Whenever I feel myself getting nervous and even doing any kind of "what if" thinking I catch myself and immediately move on to thinking about something else. The nervous feeling will still linger a little bit but as you become engrossed in your new thoughts you'll forget about it. Try it, maybe it'll work for you

 

[squirrels]

If it's gonna happen, make it work FOR you.

http://www.sosuave.com/articles/nervous.htm

 

[Dirtheart]

Thank you all for the advice and links. It's very much appreciated and I'll do what I can to learn and apply these techniques.

I think this problem is my biggest restriction in terms of women (and maybe life in general), but it's only recently I've managed to identify it for what it is. At one time I just assumed I didn't have much success with women because I was undesirable, yet I receive so much praise and so many people tell me I could have any woman I want as easy as clicking my fingers. An exaggeration no doubt, but I've been so afraid of "clicking my fingers" (i.e. making something happen), I've never found out how true this is.

So my priority now is to overcome this problem and then see where it gets me. Thanks again guys.

 

[Dirtheart]

Ok guys, I just want to thank everyone who offered their advice.

A few days ago I was given the chance to conduct a talk to a group of 50 students. I used to have an intense phobia of public speaking and just speaking in front of a small class would often end up with me having a panic attack (and sometimes backing out).

Well, I remembered this advice and decided to go for it. I did feel nervous and I felt sick as I was waiting, but when the time came, I accepted it and decided just to go ahead, think about what I was doing rather than what I was feeling, and just ACT confidently regardless.

As I acted confidently, I became confident and I was also able to interpret the nervousness as excitement and use it to my advantage.

I conducted a perfect talk, loved every second of it and everybody later told me I looked totally calm and focused up there.

So thank you. After accomplishing this and beating a phobia, I feel very empowered and talking to women now will be a breeze.

 

[waldo]

I think everyone has this problem to an extent, you've just gotta tell yourself that it's not really a big deal, and so keep it down to a minimum. If you getting *that* nervous then maybe you should start with really easy girls (i.e. fat ones), then gradually day by day work your way up to the hotties.

 

[ArmondTamzarian]

When you start to freak out, do what I do. Just ask yourself, "What would McGuyver do?" Works every time for me. Just slow down, take out some duct tape and find a solution.