a bit on context first: I started dating my current gf about 4 months ago & so far things have been fantastic. only recently the sex has become less frequent. more & more I find myself trying to initiate sex only to be turned down "I don't want to have sex right now blah blah", and her desire to initiate sex has vanished almost entirely. I assumed that this was the natural course of things considering at this point in an LTR a lot of the anxiety & uncertainty of being around each other has been by replaced by a sense of comfort & a genuine desire to spend time doing non-sexual things w each other. We spend most of our time together & I *truly* enjoy being her friend but I want my crazy, whenever-wherever sex back. I resolved to do this by changing my attitude; I neg her more often, I dress nicer, I stopped cuddling in bed, I've been texting other girls, I talk to her friends & ignore her at date parties, etc. etc.
the result:
last night she asked me if she thought our relationship had changed since we started dating (sh*t-test alarms sounding)-- a vague question, but intended to get some sort of reassurance out of me that "everything's fine blah blah". Rather than satisfy, I told her vaguely that things had changed and the sex was getting boring & she should initiate more often like she used to (beta?). she then asked if I thought our relationship was centered around sex (another sh*t test) which I ignored. We sat awkwardly in silence for a bit, then moved on w our night together. I kicked her out of my dorm room around 10 and by midnight she had sent me a very detailed email about how she's been struggling lately w her body image and she feels very self-conscious about it but "thanks for always making me feel desired, beautiful, blah blah, I love you blah blah". in shorter words, my negging worked. or did it? is her lack of desire for sex stemming from a lack of desire to appeal to me (because LTR & complacency etc) or because she feels insecure about herself to the point that she doesn't feel 'sexy' enough for sex? should I ignore the email? I neg her often but I also give her plenty of compliments-- does she need more validation? negging is supposed to cultivate anxiety and thus desire to compete, but could this anxiety lead to a withdrawal from sex as well? advice? thoughts?
the result:
last night she asked me if she thought our relationship had changed since we started dating (sh*t-test alarms sounding)-- a vague question, but intended to get some sort of reassurance out of me that "everything's fine blah blah". Rather than satisfy, I told her vaguely that things had changed and the sex was getting boring & she should initiate more often like she used to (beta?). she then asked if I thought our relationship was centered around sex (another sh*t test) which I ignored. We sat awkwardly in silence for a bit, then moved on w our night together. I kicked her out of my dorm room around 10 and by midnight she had sent me a very detailed email about how she's been struggling lately w her body image and she feels very self-conscious about it but "thanks for always making me feel desired, beautiful, blah blah, I love you blah blah". in shorter words, my negging worked. or did it? is her lack of desire for sex stemming from a lack of desire to appeal to me (because LTR & complacency etc) or because she feels insecure about herself to the point that she doesn't feel 'sexy' enough for sex? should I ignore the email? I neg her often but I also give her plenty of compliments-- does she need more validation? negging is supposed to cultivate anxiety and thus desire to compete, but could this anxiety lead to a withdrawal from sex as well? advice? thoughts?
