Negativity and Negative feeling...

[Dstructor]

Living out of fear vs. Out of desire

First shot at creating the topics i want to see

For those who don't know, i'm a big introspector; if i see a twinge or something that doesn't feel right i look deeper into it and i always like to know the origin of things

I've spent a long time trying to control what's outside; people's reaction, how people at school are treating me, making sure i do what girls like.

i did this to prevent the things i don't want to happen from happening; i was mostly thinking about rejection or someone else being rejected when i was out with peeps

Part 1
Fear of rejection or approach anxiety as some like to call it. Popularly it's believed that fear of rejection happens because you were rejected or a bad experience...i've felt, when i looked inside for a meaning for it, that fear is something else than hurt.
Part of this i felt, i don't remember when exactly, but i was afraid of something bad happening and when it happened i was like "that's it ?!"

You can't prevent hurt, so it's a moo-point in my opinion when you say that you have anxiety coz something happened to you...in my opinion anxiety or fear occurs as a reaction to hurt or perceived hurt

when i looked closely at fear i've noticed that my whole body is tense and contracted; closed down, to put it in words. That my attention is only on what could go wrong or how i would get hurt

Especially in rejection; it feels like i try to control rejection by controlling what i do. Meaning that i connected rejection to something i did or felt and every time i feel like doing something or feel something i remember rejection (ex: shame/punishment & sex/porn)
So, in attempt to prevent rejection/hurt, every time a feeling or an impulse that was/could be rejected happens i divert my attention from it and pretend like i'm not feeling it

That's what i wanted to talk about

Most of what i noticed who try to solve issues or fears they focus a lot on the object of fear as opposed to fear itself (the contraction)
This slight contraction manifests itself as not knowing what to say, doing something different from what you SHOULD have done or feeling a compulsion to do something or avoid doing something.

Now, what you do is irrelevant if the same feeling is still there; coz the action would still be from the same intention or center

Basically; in resisting something or preventing it from happening you're resisting a feeling inside or a desire. running away from it would be a better description...

Negativity exists outside but there's a difference between an event and how we respond or how our feelings respond (in terms of feelings, not action)

So i propose a shift of focus...

Shifting your focus away from doing/not doing something, from what would/could/should(n't) happen to the feeling that's already there inside you

Focus more on opening that contraction or that tense part that resonates with the memory or as some like to put it, making peace

i'll be honest, i'm still testing this but what i'm trying to do is, when the thought or feeling comes...instead of taking evasive or offensive action you totally open to it; feel it completely.
my theory is after going through and accepting the hurt & rejection, i can tap into the desire itself that was behind my action before it was rejected
and so using that instead of fear to judge things

And so, achieving the goal of being a man who lives out of his desire & love, not fear

 

[oakraiderz2]

First shot at creating the topics i want to see

For those who don't know, i'm a big introspector; if i see a twinge or something that doesn't feel right i look deeper into it and i always like to know the origin of things

I've spent a long time trying to control what's outside; people's reaction, how people at school are treating me, making sure i do what girls like.

i did this to prevent the things i don't want to happen from happening; i was mostly thinking about rejection or someone else being rejected when i was out with peeps

Honestly, i have NO IDEA what the hell youre talking about. Take a psychology class so you can get ahold of your "theories." I will say something about you trying to control what you cant control. You obviously have an external locus of control, that which is out of your control STRONGLY influence your behavior. You need to control whats happening within, such as your thoughts, attitudes and feelings. And what the f*ck is a contraction?

 

[Dstructor]

yea, a little scattered. sorry about that

Contraction is like tension; like when you say my chest is a bit tight

What i wanted to say, in short, that people try to solve their inner issues & feelings by how they're projected on the outside...

for example, trying to solve fear of rejection by doing something that won't get rejected (approaching in a certain way)

All i tried to explain was fear of rejection is something different from rejection itself; thus, handling rejection is different from handling fear of rejection

My proposed way to handle FEAR of rejection was to look at what you are afraid of showing or have rejected and, through accepting, you remember why wanted to do it in the first place (Desire) and use your desire and wants to guide to to what to do instead of your fear

Wow...lol that's a lot simpler. thanks man

 

[oakraiderz2]

yea, a little scattered. sorry about that

Contraction is like tension; like when you say my chest is a bit tight

You still dont make very much sense. You seem to be trying to hard and coingin your own terms such as fear being "the contraction."

What i wanted to say, in short, that people try to solve their inner issues & feelings by how they're projected on the outside...

for example, trying to solve fear of rejection by doing something that won't get rejected (approaching in a certain way)

Once again, youre trying to do waay too much and this doesnt make much sense. I think people stick to a familiar routine so they dont get rejected due to a lack of experience and confidence. But inner issues and feelings being projected on the outiside makes no sense with your example.

All i tried to explain was fear of rejection is something different from rejection itself; thus, handling rejection is different from handling fear of rejection

Of course fear and the object of fear arent the samething nothing novel about that.

My proposed way to handle FEAR of rejection was to look at what you are afraid of showing or have rejected and, through accepting, you remember why wanted to do it in the first place (Desire) and use your desire and wants to guide to to what to do instead of your fear

People dont make the most rational decisions, although they may think otherwise. People operate through past experiences to make the process of making decisions less overwhelming and easier. If people knew why they were afraid, it would be easier to overcome such ludacris and irrational fears. Thoughts and memories are often repressed, which makes it difficult to know why such fears exist. Just because you know why you want something doesnt mean it will be easier for you to get it. One has to reprogram their prior thoughts and beliefs in regards to specific stimuli, which is why desire alone wont motivate someone enough.

Wow...lol that's a lot simpler. thanks man

I still dont really understand what you said cause it was pretty confusing and didnt flow. Im not trying to rip you apart, i just want to know what youre trying to say, because the title doesnt remotely match what you wrote.

 

[Dstructor]

Oooookay....

So, we agreed that fear and the object of fear aren't the same thing...we may also agree that the object of fear doesn't have to be present (or even exist) in order for fear to be present; like the boogey man for kids

I'm not trying to make up my own terms but i just like to describe the experience itself instead of just calling it Fear

Acting out of lack of confidence and experience isn't really what i mean. What i want to say is acting out of FEAR and acting out of Openness and desire (doing something because you want to do it not because doing something else is bad)

Also take for example wanting to sleep with a girl to score points and on the other hand wanting to sleep with her because you like her (that one is more like ego than fear tho)

Now, i'm a person who acted out of fear for a long time and what i suggested was simply, if a person wants to connect with his desire, to fully accept the fear of rejection and in the process discover why he wanted to do what he did in the first place (AKA: His desire)

Simply a change of focus; for example instead of approaching with your attention on not doing something that would get rejected it becomes on wanting and your desire to have a good time

That's my goal, personally, to connect and live out of my desire instead of fear

PS: Yea, like i said, my thoughts were a bit scattered. i'll try and change the title