Needing advice on home life, parents & their influence

[MikeBrown30]

This was much longer than I anticipated, but I will be extremely grateful if you read through all of this and let me know your opinions.


A bit of a rant here, so bear with me. I decided to post it in here as I know I will get the most mature/informed responses, I rarely go into any of the other forums anymore due to the immaturity.


I still live at home, and my parents are negative influences on me. In my opinion they are stunting the growth of my personality and my transition into a man. Yes they have raised me to be responsible, and I have never had any hardships in my life: ie. Not poor or disadvantaged, nor rich, but a comfortable home life.

I'll describe my parents:

To be blunt my dad is an AFC. He has no backbone, lets people walk all over him, whether it be at work, his family (his dad, mum, brother & sisters) and tries his hardest to please anyone and everyone, no matter what lengths or sacrifices he has to make to please that person. A few examples to give you a better idea:

- About 15 years ago my dad, grandpa, and uncle all put in money to buy a property for a tile shop (I think the split was Dad - 50%, Uncle - 30% Grandpa - 20%, they took out a loan for the rest of it. 15 years pass, my grandpa and uncle leave the business (due to a disagreement with a new business partner) and eventually my dad leaves. When it comes time to sell the property, it does get sold. So the money is split into 3 between my dad, uncle and grandpa. Then my grandpa gets this brain wave that his daughters (my dads two sisters) should receive some money out of it as well because "It's the right thing to do", even though they did sweet fvck all to help the business over the 15 years it was running, nor put any money towards the property.

So where do you think that money came from? My dad of course, and he gladly obliged. My grandpa didn't put one cent towards them, even though it was his idea to give them a share. Nor did my uncle either. We're not talking peanuts here, it was just under $200,000 he had to split between his 2 sisters.

My grandpa is extremely foolish and irresponsible with money. He has taken out numerous loans for properties and other business ventures. They didn't go to plan, and he couldn't make the repayments, so he asked my dad to foot the bill. Of course he did it, even though it meant getting himself into debt. Alas, he lets his family use and abuse him, and he is naive as fvck about it. Heard of anyone who put $30,000 on their credit card, yet can't pay it back? Guess who had to pick up the pieces......

My dad wastes money on stupid things. He bought a horse with a few of his friends a while back, which had to be put down because it's leg got broken. So he then invested in another one, because his friends coaxed him into it. Little did he know what the vet, trainer & food bills would cost. So every month when we get the bill, I have to hear the earbashing my mum gives him over it.

He constantly gets speeding fines, and never learns. He lost his license a few years ago, so he stopped driving for the 6 month period. 2 weeks before he was allowed to drive again, he decided to start driving. Sound logical? 2 months ago again he lost his license for speeding. AND since then, he has got 2 more speeding fines. He had to ask his mum to take the demerit points on both occasions, otherwise he would be screwed.

At work this guy told my dad he could get him a laptop for $500 (which retailed for $3000). My opinion was he's either full of sh1t, or it's a hot item. So my dad gives him the $500, and he said would get it for him in a few days. 3 weeks have passed, no laptop, no money, nothing. This guy keeps stalling with excuses: "I'll have it this Friday", "I'll have it next week". My dad keeps making up excuses: "I was too busy today, so I didn't have a chance to speak to the guy". Yet he had a spare hour to go to the bank to get the $500 for the laptop.

He's overweight, smokes, eats like absolute sh1t, and doesn't exercise. He get's up early every morning (about 5am) and get's home at times ranging from 3pm-7pm. As soon as he gets home he sits on the couch and falls asleep. Most of the time he's extremely lazy, hates doing any physical work or helping. If you catch him on a good day though he'll cut the grass. I know he works long hours, but it's not normal for someone his age to be sleeping as much as he does.

The stupid thing is, he is the complete opposite towards his direct family (my mum, sister and I). Anything we ask is a problem for him, and most of the time he does not comply. He wants to live the life of a millionaire, but he's going about it the wrong way.

Unfortunately he's 51 now, and I see very little chance of him changing his ways, nor does he want to improve. He has no desire, and is not a man in my eyes.


My mum:

Don't get me wrong, she's a very caring and loving person. Other times she can be a 100% psycho, illogical, moody b1tch. Yes I know that's my mother i'm talking about, but it's the truth. Nothing she ever does or says is logical, everything is an emotional response. I know this is how women are, but should your mother be this way towards you as well? I think she suffers from mild depression, she never goes out, I never see her talk to friends or have friends over. All she does is stay home everyday, cleaning, cooking etc.

The only time she is happy towards me is if she happens to be in a good mood (which is rare), OR if i'm doing something for her (cleaning, running errands etc). Otherwise i'm considered as of no use to her. Am I the only one in thinking this is the wrong way to be towards someone? The one thing that kills me though is the constant nagging for bullsh1t trivial stuff she makes up. The negative attitude towards anything and everything is also destroying my morale slowly.

I think the reason my parents got married is because no-one else would want them, so they settled. I never see them act lovingly towards one another, and I haven't for a very long time.



My problem is I don't have enough money to move out, nor a job. I would get a job, but i'm suffering from an inferiority complex about my physical appearance which is hindering my confidence to go out into the world and make something of myself. So i'm stuck in this rut, not knowing what to do.

Again I apologise for the length, but i'm just trying to give you a perspective of things.

 

[amoka]

I hate to tell you this but "what do you hope to achieve" by posting this? The only option you have now is to move out of your parent's place but the problem is YOU have inferiority complex, no job, and no money to move out. Nobody in here can really provide you much.

You cannot change neither you father nor your mother. You can only change yourself. So if there must be a change, you have to do that.

Good luck.

 

[sodbuster]

Read some self help books. Think and grow rich,Psychocybernetics[sp],See you at the top, etc. Work out and change your physical appearance,go to college or a trade school.You need to get your life together,YOU. Either that, or live the life of your parents[that you seem to despise]. YOU can change-if you have the balls. It may mean limiting contact with your parents-they may drag you down otherwise. Stay away from people dripping with" negativity cooties"

 

[MikeBrown30]

I hate to tell you this but "what do you hope to achieve" by posting this? The only option you have now is to move out of your parent's place but the problem is YOU have inferiority complex, no job, and no money to move out. Nobody in here can really provide you much.

You cannot change neither you father nor your mother. You can only change yourself. So if there must be a change, you have to do that.

Good luck.

I had to get it off my chest. I know I am the only person I can rely on for things to happen in this world. Thanks amoka.

Read some self help books. Think and grow rich,Psychocybernetics[sp],See you at the top, etc. Work out and change your physical appearance,go to college or a trade school.You need to get your life together,YOU. Either that, or live the life of your parents[that you seem to despise]. YOU can change-if you have the balls. It may mean limiting contact with your parents-they may drag you down otherwise. Stay away from people dripping with" negativity cooties"

I already work out, and i'm seeing changes in my body composition which has given me a bit of a confidence boost. My problem is my facial features (large nose, large ears that stick out). I'm not just talking one little flaw which only I notice, it's obvious to myself and others. Before I hit puberty, I was decent looking. I had an outgoing friendly personality, I was decent with women and at school, and I actually had a DRIVE with everything I undertook. Then bam, 17-18 and my appearance changed. At first I didn't notice it, but as time went on I became more self conscious and I started to crawl into my shell. This is the number 1 thing stopping me from doing anything that I want.

I try to limit contact with my parents because it's always nagging and complaining, never anything pleasant to say, and I do notice a difference in my moods/morale if the negativity is limited. Thanks for your advice, i'll try to check out those books.

Here are your priorities, in order:

1) Get a job

2) Save money

3) Move out and get your own place

4) Work on physical self (you can actually start doing this now)

You won't build Rome in a day, but you can attack each problem one at a time. It may seem overwhelming, but you already know WHAT you need to do, so you just need to form a plan and get working on it. Just be patient and focus.

In the meantime, stand up to your mother when you can, and try to suck it up the rest of the time. Your parents' problems, thankfully, are not yours.

Good luck.

Thanks samspade. My goals are pretty much what you outlined in your post, and i'm hoping I will get there soon. Sometimes I do feel overwhelmed with it all, but I know it's either do or die. I stand up to my mother 99% of the time, but it's hard to communicate with her. She'll be arguing with me about something, then i'll point out what she does (which is exactly what she's telling me off for) and she'll change the subject because she has no comeback for what I pointed out. My dad, who is a "man", is exactly the same as her, and I thought only women were illogical. When it starts to get heated, or the topic of conversation keeps changing because I point out their errors, I always walk away. What do I do when they follow me and try and get in my face, talking loud in my ear? Most of the time I can ignore it, but there's those instances when you want to knock someone out. Thanks.

Thanks again for your replies and wishes all.

 

[PSYCHO]

your father is doing pretty good if he is dishing out that amount of money - give him credit. And if your mother cooks and cleans, that is because that is what a mother and a wife suppose to do!

Everybody has their idiosyncrasies - we all have our own personalities!

 

[MikeBrown30]

your father is doing pretty good if he is dishing out that amount of money - give him credit. And if your mother cooks and cleans, that is because that is what a mother and a wife suppose to do!

Everybody has their idiosyncrasies - we all have our own personalities!

He does ok, he's a supervisor for a construction company. Although he has this mindset that he can just throw money away like a millionaire, which isn't the case. Yes he works hard, but he's lacking in other major areas.

If I do end up getting married one day, I would expect my wife to cook and clean, but to do the same thing all day every day is not right. When people have no social life, it affects them. Would you be happy if all you did everyday was cook/clean/work, and never saw any of your friends or go out? Thanks for your comments though.

 

[Desdinova]

My problem is my facial features (large nose, large ears that stick out).

I can tell you everything that's ugly about myself. My mother has told me several times that these are my worst features:

- My feet are ugly
- I look ugly without a shirt on
- I have a bump in my nose
- I have my ear pierced which makes me gay

She used to stand and laugh at me when I was grooming myself. You bet your ass that I became extremely self-conscious.

When I got older, I had to work like hell to alter the opinion I had about myself. I could look in the mirror and focus on how goddam ugly I am, or I can focus on my good features. I'm not a fat fvck, I'm fairly muscular, I have great hair, awesome eyes, attractive personality, and a smile that can warm anyone who sees it. Oh yeah, I have a big c0ck too

I absolutely love myself. Yeah, I've got some 5hit that isn't perfect, but there's so many other great things about me that they outshine the bad stuff. Maybe you should start focussing on what's great about you instead of what you think is ugly.

That's another thing, the only parts of yourself that you think are unattractive are just YOUR opinion. Everyone else is so concerned about how they appear to others that they're not paying attention to how you appear. I can make others self-conscious about themselves simply because I'm not self-conscious about myself. Because of the way I carry myself and how confident I am, they begin to worry that they are not worthy of my company. Perhaps they think they're too ugly or too stupid to be around me.

Weird, isn't it?

You need to work on how you view yourself. Ignore anything your parents may say about you. If it makes you feel better, tell them they look good in wrinkles (there's a neg-hit if I ever saw one!) Also, get off your ass and get yourself a job. You ARE going to get rejected while job hunting. Don't let that stop you. Go on TONS of job interviews since you need the practice. Go on job interviews for jobs you don't even want. Everytime you mess up something on an interview, make it a goal to fix what you messed up for the next interview.

I got myself a great job, but I went on approximately 20-30 interviews before I got it. Persistence will pay off, and so will practice.

Once you've got your job, get the fvck out of your parents' house.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

As previously mentioned, you should read Psycho-Cybernetics by Dr. Maltz. He was a plastic surgeon that discovered peoples view of themselves have nothing to do with how they looked.

He created some techniques to give people plastic surgery from the "inside out," so to speak.

Read through this book several times, DO THE EXERCISES on a regular basis to change your self image, and give yourself a REALISTIC GOAL (six months to a year) to have a job and be moved out.

Once you work on your self image, and learn what happens when you set and achieve substantial goals, your life will inevitably change for the better.

Life takes work, and the only one that's gonna do it is you.

 

[squirrels]

I still live at home, and my parents are negative influences on me.

So what are you doing to get out of there?

 

[MikeBrown30]

As previously mentioned, you should read Psycho-Cybernetics by Dr. Maltz. He was a plastic surgeon that discovered peoples view of themselves have nothing to do with how they looked.

He created some techniques to give people plastic surgery from the "inside out," so to speak.

Read through this book several times, DO THE EXERCISES on a regular basis to change your self image, and give yourself a REALISTIC GOAL (six months to a year) to have a job and be moved out.

Once you work on your self image, and learn what happens when you set and achieve substantial goals, your life will inevitably change for the better.

Life takes work, and the only one that's gonna do it is you.

I ordered that book nearly a week ago, so I should have it soon. I'll let you know how I get along with it. Thank you for your advice and suggesting it. Hopefully i'll be on my way to a happier life shortly.

So what are you doing to get out of there?

At the moment nothing. I have no motivation to do anything, whether it be looking for a job, going out with friends, even just communicating with people on a daily basis. How do you light a fire up your ass and get yourself into gear? This issue came up when I was about 18, and I have no idea in the slighest how to gain my passion for life back.

 

[Commandante]

How do you light a fire up your ass and get yourself into gear?

I can tell you how I did it. I was sitting at home all the time and was pissed of because my buddies and my colleagues were fvcking boring and my best friend in town was a workaholic and never had time for a beer. But I like board games so I searched online for people with the same interest. I found a local forum where the people meet each other every 2. week for playing games. I joined them. I realized that they organize a lot of other activities and there are at least 2 other local forums in the town like this one. Now I can go out 3-4 times every week with random people and we have a lot of fun.

Long story short: choose an activity you like, find people with the same interest, make personal connections, repeat.

 

[MikeBrown30]

I can tell you how I did it. I was sitting at home all the time and was pissed of because my buddies and my colleagues were fvcking boring and my best friend in town was a workaholic and never had time for a beer. But I like board games so I searched online for people with the same interest. I found a local forum where the people meet each other every 2. week for playing games. I joined them. I realized that they organize a lot of other activities and there are at least 2 other local forums in the town like this one. Now I can go out 3-4 times every week with random people and we have a lot of fun.

Long story short: choose an activity you like, find people with the same interest, make personal connections, repeat.

Yeah, I'm thinking of undertaking some new activities. I was going to start boxing & Latin/Salsa dancing. All my other hobbies don't really involve groups of other people, but i'm looking forward to starting these new activities and branching out to new people, and acquiring new skills. Thanks for this, and your other pieces of advice

I also received that book a couple of you guys suggested (Psycho-Cybernetics). I'm going to give it a quick read through once to catch the jist of it, then re-read it, and write down all valid/applicable points, and start the exercises. From the first 90 or so pages I have read, it sounds promising. I've looked back and thought about people I know, who do think positively, and this book does ring true. I will update this post soon.

 

[Commandante]

Thanks for this, and your other pieces of advice

I´m glad to help. Good to see people willing to solve their problems and not finding excuses all the time. Keep up with the good attitude!

I used to train boxing for 6 months. It keeps fit and helps loosing weight but has a side effect. You will want to do sparring, because it has the biggest inpact on self-confidence. And high probably, sooner or later somebody will break your nose. For the most people it´s not a big deal, but if you aren´t satisfied with your face a skewed or a flat nose will make the picture even worse. That´s why I quitted after my firs injury.

I would recommend something like Wing Chun. As far as I know there are a couple of masters in Australia and I made a good experience with them. But it´s matter of taste.

 

[Desert Fox]

Before you change the world, you must change yourself.

Start with yourself, stop worrying about your parents, friends, girl next door, etc. They are their own responsibility. Until you have power (aka MONEY) then you cannot really help anyone substantially as freely as you wish. You will always have a chain to your leg so to speak.

 

[MikeBrown30]

I´m glad to help. Good to see people willing to solve their problems and not finding excuses all the time. Keep up with the good attitude!

I used to train boxing for 6 months. It keeps fit and helps loosing weight but has a side effect. You will want to do sparring, because it has the biggest inpact on self-confidence. And high probably, sooner or later somebody will break your nose. For the most people it´s not a big deal, but if you aren´t satisfied with your face a skewed or a flat nose will make the picture even worse. That´s why I quitted after my firs injury.

I would recommend something like Wing Chun. As far as I know there are a couple of masters in Australia and I made a good experience with them. But it´s matter of taste.

Yeah, I want to get into sparring once my fitness levels & reflexes are up to scratch. Not too sure about Wing Chun, i'm just going to worry about people's fists for now. Then if I become skilled enough, I might get into some form of kickingboxing/martial arts

Before you change the world, you must change yourself.

Start with yourself, stop worrying about your parents, friends, girl next door, etc. They are their own responsibility. Until you have power (aka MONEY) then you cannot really help anyone substantially as freely as you wish. You will always have a chain to your leg so to speak.

I'm not worrying about them, they just affect me. I know there's very little you can do in this world without money. Here's to my situation improving within the next 6 months. Thanks for your advice

 

[brokenupinside]

I don't get it ,why doesn't your dad "invest" some of the money he throws away on crazy schemes on you instead?
What's with your mom laughing at you man,there's something seriously wrong here,they are disfunctional at best and I mean no disrespect.
Get an education quick and get out.

 

[window]

this is a very good post...most men dont realise that their childhood influences are deeply engrained within. You have enough awareness to realise this...so now a lifelong journey beigins to recognise the positve and neagtive traits that have transferred to you. I think you're on the right path.