Hello All,
I posted a while back but this still bother me. I bounced from house to house as a kid father in prison or drunk / high when he was out. Mother had kids with 5 different men and was not in my life. .Many schools and different cities. I did bounce in and out of one particular city and was able to make a few life long friends.
I am a bit obsessed with this town . I was seen as the homeless, loser kid. I always fantasized about being the cool kid and banging one of the hot chicks. Most people who lived in this city had nice homes and I lived in a ghetto apt.
There were about 8 misfits who formed a group. I fell in with them. We were punks. The group split and one side hated me as I had a fallen out with an old friend about letting him live with me. Admittedly, this breakaway became a weird cult of 3-4 people. One kid years later came out of teh closet. Funny thing is I lent him my car so he could go on a date once. They smoked alot of weed.
The 3-4 guys I stayed with wee my life as I had no family whatsoever. These guys all moved on and 2 will not even return my calls. The other 2 I am still close to and we talk see each other weekly.
I am in my 40's and am grateful for these 2 guys. They were the most stable out of the group.
There was one kid who I did so much for yet I realize I meant nothing to him. I guess that is life. Sometimes you think you are close to a buddy yet you meant nothing to them. I see this person repeat same pattern with others. I always tried to be a good friend to all of them.
I digress.
My dilemma is two-fold : 1) how can I accept the fact I will never be the cool kid in this community ( you know the type - well off family and a cute girlfriend)
2) Why does it bother me so much I lost this group of buddies? Everything I learned here dictates these people are not worth my time.
My theory is this - I grew up feeling so inadequate and always wanted to fix that. That is why I obsess over this city and the women from my era.
This group of guys was the first time I ever felt any sort of family and belonging. I saw us as a big happy family and ignored the little conflicts we had. I reflect on it and realize the reason we were misfits is due to 1) bad families ( as was my case) or simply emotionally messed up middle class kids.
They / we were not that stable as individuals. That is why I think we could not maintain close / lifelong friendships.
Everytime I see childhood friends on facebook still hanging out it hurts and causes anxiety. Much of this is due to having no family. These guys were my connection to my past. I only have a few pics from my past.
I feel like a ghost with no history. It kind of sucks most of these guys saw me as nothing more than a dude to get high drunk with. The fact I did so much to help them all i.e move lend money etc. really meant nothing.
I am successful, have a good wife and healthy baby. I should not be bitching I know.
If I was giving myself advice it would be : 1) You cannot go back so stop fretting about it. That period of your life sucked so put it behind you as it cannot be fixed.
2) Most of the guys you hung with were whackjobs and they accepted anyone into the group. You grew up being homeless and it felt like a family. Unfortunately, it was not as they were not stable enough to stay in touch or they simply want to forget that period of their life.
Your feedback is appreciated !
Thanks
I posted a while back but this still bother me. I bounced from house to house as a kid father in prison or drunk / high when he was out. Mother had kids with 5 different men and was not in my life. .Many schools and different cities. I did bounce in and out of one particular city and was able to make a few life long friends.
I am a bit obsessed with this town . I was seen as the homeless, loser kid. I always fantasized about being the cool kid and banging one of the hot chicks. Most people who lived in this city had nice homes and I lived in a ghetto apt.
There were about 8 misfits who formed a group. I fell in with them. We were punks. The group split and one side hated me as I had a fallen out with an old friend about letting him live with me. Admittedly, this breakaway became a weird cult of 3-4 people. One kid years later came out of teh closet. Funny thing is I lent him my car so he could go on a date once. They smoked alot of weed.
The 3-4 guys I stayed with wee my life as I had no family whatsoever. These guys all moved on and 2 will not even return my calls. The other 2 I am still close to and we talk see each other weekly.
I am in my 40's and am grateful for these 2 guys. They were the most stable out of the group.
There was one kid who I did so much for yet I realize I meant nothing to him. I guess that is life. Sometimes you think you are close to a buddy yet you meant nothing to them. I see this person repeat same pattern with others. I always tried to be a good friend to all of them.
I digress.
My dilemma is two-fold : 1) how can I accept the fact I will never be the cool kid in this community ( you know the type - well off family and a cute girlfriend)
2) Why does it bother me so much I lost this group of buddies? Everything I learned here dictates these people are not worth my time.
My theory is this - I grew up feeling so inadequate and always wanted to fix that. That is why I obsess over this city and the women from my era.
This group of guys was the first time I ever felt any sort of family and belonging. I saw us as a big happy family and ignored the little conflicts we had. I reflect on it and realize the reason we were misfits is due to 1) bad families ( as was my case) or simply emotionally messed up middle class kids.
They / we were not that stable as individuals. That is why I think we could not maintain close / lifelong friendships.
Everytime I see childhood friends on facebook still hanging out it hurts and causes anxiety. Much of this is due to having no family. These guys were my connection to my past. I only have a few pics from my past.
I feel like a ghost with no history. It kind of sucks most of these guys saw me as nothing more than a dude to get high drunk with. The fact I did so much to help them all i.e move lend money etc. really meant nothing.
I am successful, have a good wife and healthy baby. I should not be bitching I know.
If I was giving myself advice it would be : 1) You cannot go back so stop fretting about it. That period of your life sucked so put it behind you as it cannot be fixed.
2) Most of the guys you hung with were whackjobs and they accepted anyone into the group. You grew up being homeless and it felt like a family. Unfortunately, it was not as they were not stable enough to stay in touch or they simply want to forget that period of their life.
Your feedback is appreciated !
Thanks
