Need some serious help, did I handle this situation in my relationship properly?

[guywhoneedshelp]

I started dating this girl June of last year. The first year was great. I loved how attached she was, her desire to see me everyday, it wasn't annoying, and she always gave me a great amount of attention and affection. Upon holding hands, sometimes I'd reach for her hand, sometimes she'd reach for mine. She called me when she woke up (on my days off), since I was always the early bird. Then we'd plan out our day and when we could see eachother. Used to write me notes, give me cool little gifts, HAD to say good night to me before she went to bed, life was good.

Now since then a lot of those things have faded. Suddenly she doesn't call me as much, and has recently blown me off. I bought us AVP tickets to watch the Volleyball finals in Coney Island on Sunday. I went there to pick her up at 9 AM, like we agreed, and she wouldn't answer the door. I called her phone several times and I could hear it ringing. She never answered. I waited 30 minutes, on the doorstep knocking, taking occasional walks down to the beach just to pass the time. At 9:30 AM I leave and go to Coney Island by myself. At 11:02 AM I get a text message:

"Hey.. i no ur gona be mad at me no matter what i say but i figured i could at least explain what happened. after we got off the phone i went in my moms room to get adavan. so i took 2 of them and i watched tv in her room for a little bit an ended up falling asleep without ever getting my phone."

I read it right away, and was pissed. No apology, just care that I just wasted my damn money on her ticket. So I didn't respond, until like 4 oclock, and I was kinda nice about it. I basically said "I wish you could of came but maybe we'll come back here sometime."

Then I asked her if she wanted to hang out later. She said maybe, and asked me what time I'd be home. I told her around 6:30 so she said she would call me around then. At 8:00 PM she still hadn't called (I hate that) so I called her to see what was up. She says "I can't talk right now I'll call you back in 1 minute."

She doesn't call back so I send her a text message saying I'm tired of her bull ****, and that I think I've had enough. She responds with some sort of an excuse "I'm with my best friend right now who I haven't seen in forever" blah blah blah I no longer seem to be a priority of hers. So instead of hanging by my thumbs waiting for her to call I replied to her "this is what i'm talking about. always an excuse. stop texting me."

We don't talk for the rest of the night and today she calls at 1PM. I missed the call, (didn't ignore it, but probably would of) and she leaves this *****Y sounding voice mail saying "i just wanna know what's going on, are you breaking up with me? I need to know what's going on" b!tch, are you kidding? What do you think is going on? I never even got a damn apology and you are just being a ***** all of the time.

She's also going to california tomorrow for a family members wedding and she'll be gone for 5 days. I feel her drifting away. I will deffinitly be hitting up some clubs out in the Hamptons while she is gone. ****in' *****

did I handle this properly? I do still love her and want to be with her, but only if we can repair the relationship. Should I call her and talk to her about it? Or wait first? Will waiting be a bad idea?

There are a lot of choices I could take...as of now I'm ignoring her until I get some sort of apology. Then we will talk it out face to face.

Lemme hear your opinions...

 

[WC2]

I think you handled the situation appropriately.

You guys are together and she blew you off for that long? And some lame excuse without an apology. No good.

You made a wise decision by not freaking out on her when you called her back. She was probably just waiting for you to flip out. All this would do is give her satisfaction that she is finally BREAKING you down. Breaking you down is exactly what she is trying to do.

I know it's hard to come to grips with this, but your girl has lost interest in you. When the respect is dropped, usually the interest is right there alongside. I'm not saying she's seeing someone else, but there is always a chance that she has met someone else she has a higher interest level for now.

I feel like I reply to these posts every day. It happens in all relationships. You get into that routine and a woman naturally being a branch swinger, will look for another man who doesn't offer a boring routine.

For future reference, "setting up your day" with your girl every morning is a horrible habit. Your day is yours. Her day is hers. You both need to have enough time apart to enjoy the small time you get to spend together. I feel like the routine part of the relationship is what drove it downhill.

Is this salvageable? Who knows. Seriously, guys always want to know if they can save their relationship. It's kind of odd because why would you want to save a relationship with someone who's started to spit in your face? It's a weak-minded question and you should not be asking yourself this.

Instead, you should be asking yourself, "How quickly can I pull my life together and realize that I'm even BETTER without a woman in my life?"

No kidding, you feel like utter sh!t right now, but I promise you down the road you will feel GRATIFIED at how much you are worth to yourself. How driven you are ALONE as an individual and how sad women are for latching on to you temporarily only to spit you out when they are done sucking all your man juice from you.

I'm sure your girl was nice, but most of them are the same. In today's world it's OK for a woman to give BS excuses to men. We men live by a code of honor (good men that is), while women live on their emotions. Good women know how to control these emotions, but also have good men who keep them emotionally interested.

Bottom line is that whether or not this relationship will work out, you need to start concentrating on yourself. Not only will this get her off your mind, but she will also realize that you're OK without her. If you really do like his girl, then that is the only chance at regaining her interest.

Don't play games. You need to tell this girl that she has disrespected you and you will not stand for that.

Break contact. Period.

Improve yourself.

Reap the benefits when she comes crying back. If at this point you still feel as if shes deserving of you, you must lay the guidelines that she must respect you much more and treat you better if she wants to stay around. Take the power back in your relationship.

If you feel any sense of hesitation on her part, Drop her. Drop her like shes about to drop you right now; like trash.

Best of luck.

 

[slickaz]

dude..you just answered your own question...

Calls everyday
too much attention

i believe the correct word is infatuation.

Ur supposed to be her BF not her BFF (best friend for life).

when you hit that muth4fvka u got two options..steer away and live..or run into it and sink like the titanic..

at this point, there are more knowledgeable dudes here that can give you ideas on how to fix your situation in technical terms.

if i was you:
- i wouldnt get so worked up over this stage of her "not making you priority". thats just a dead giveaway for her to cut and run.

- play it cool, let her do her thing. but dont forget what she did. the next date you guys go, let her organize and pay for. let her make it up to you. coz you're the sh*t! she needs you not the other way around.

- give her space, you may have already been put into the "dude who im seeing but who is also my best friend" box. You cant be in that box and the "I love this guy as my MAN" box.

- dont try! to get into her emotional side and talk to her everyday yada yada, let her talk about her red toe nails with her gfs. you have more important things to do.


From here out:

give her a text,
"Hey, Enjoy your trip to CA, be good and laugh lots,..hit me up when you're back"

this way you're telling her you're confident in yourself that you dont give a rats 4ss if shes having fun there, coz you too cool to be jealous of whatever.
also you're saying go ahead, go to another state, it dont bother me. but you're saying it with a little boyfriend style.

itll let her know you trust her going and that you WANT her to have fun.

the "be good" part is a trick coz you could mean take care and dont get into trouble, but also could mean dont play the "different area code..different rules" game..she'll never know.lol

 

[guywhoneedshelp]

it seems like if I were to say "have a good time" I'm giving her the impression that I'm no longer mad at her. (she did after all just recently blow me off) I like what you are saying though. let me respond:

WC2 - Thank you. I feel a lot better after reading this because you have targeted the truth of this situation. Women these days are wack, they don't value and appreciate the men the way they should. And being without a girl does indeed give me time to do some things I may have been wanting to do. More time to watch some movies I've been wanting to see, but waiting for her ass to come over and watch it with me. Some time to take my motorcycle permit test, something I've been holding off. More time to drag my broke AFC friends off their ass so we can go out with the boys again. I'm not that pathetic as to say "i have no life now". I can go to work tomorrow and then go fishing after work, I'm an independent person and I always have been. I don't need some b!tch to be by my side everywhere I go, although in the long run I would like her to be there once again.

Also, about not planning your day like that, you are right. It became a bit habitual, let me make sure I keep my phone on, this way if I go out with my friend during the day, and she calls, I can answer, and find out when we are seeing eachother. Going months with guarantee's of seeing her every day seemed like a good idea, but became frustrating in reality. However, I would like to have COMMUNICATION every day. "Hey, what's up? I'm goin' to Wendys later with my friends, wanna meet me there?" *go to wendys, finish eating* "wanna hang out, or you wanna stay with your friends?" - communication and that type of lifestyle would be nice. But it seems as if she has lost a bit of interest in me because now she goes out with her friends and doesn't even call me at all.

slickaz - I don't do the "friends" thing with ex's. I'm not worried about that. I agree though I need to present myself as the confident boyfriend, not the complaining one.

 

[guywhoneedshelp]

Nevermind guys. I was half asleep, she just called me. I answered very pissed off. It's over. she told me I'm bipolar and she's in an abusive relationship. I told her she was a fvckin b!tch

 

[Axcell]

+1 with what WC2 had to say, each and every single point is absolutely true. My personal opinion is you should take all of this as a learning experience. You called her WAY too much, don't make yourself so available to her! Once a girl knows you want her, she will not want you anymore. The key to keep a girl is to keep the time you spend with her SHORT AND MEMORABLE. You were practically obsessed with her, she should be the one calling you 24/7. (And even when she does this, you should only pick up on her every little while.) Remember, a girlfriend is NOT your life, she is a PART of your life.

Nevermind guys. I was half asleep, she just called me. I answered very pissed off. It's over. she told me I'm bipolar and she's in an abusive relationship. I told her she was a fvckin b!tch

Although I wouldn't have handled it the same way you did, in the back of your mind you should know the relationship was going to die anyway. I hope you were the one to end it, not her - because that puts you above her.

Best thing to do is move on, there are countless breakup tips on this forum. My advice is to keep yourself busy doing things, continue to hang out with your friends every chance you get, and avoid sulking alone as much as possible. A DJ in this forum pointed out that getting over an ex-girlfriend is quite like trying to quit smoking: You gotta stay away from the cigarettes themselves and anything/anyone that will remind you and make you want to smoke again.

However, I do have 2 posts that I have taken from DJ's on this site and possibly other sites which I copied into a word document to re-read over and over again to help me get over my ex, it might help you as well.

The first one: (I take no credit for it, just to help a member on this site.)
Find comfort in this: We all thought we had "the one". It's so pervasive that seduction books even have this documented! Think about that...How is it possible that so many guys seem to have lost "the one". I mean, shouldn't it be hard to find her? If she's so hard to find, then why have we all found her, maybe even more than once!

Add to that that you often realize that she's "the one" _after_ she breaks up with you. It's just your pain playing tricks on you. You'll think back and only remember the good times, how glorious and lovely they were. You'll forget the bad times, the boredom and her bull****.

Be sure that there is no "one". There will be women who approximate what you want better than others. But probably the biggest problem is that you don't actually know what you want. For me a kickass woman would combine traits of 2 of my ex's, and yet each one independently is lacking. And yes they were "the one" too.

And yet despite the relationships i've had, I'm still not sure I know what I want. For example, I've never been with a girl who can genuinely make me laugh. Maybe if I had been, that would be an important trait for me to look for. Maybe that's just the trait I'll need in my partner when I'm 90 yrs old and pissin in a bed pan.

In any case, this is like speaking logically to a woman. You can't just come out of this through "logic". It can only take you so far. You need other things in your life to start buffering your current emotions. You need other emotions in your life that start eating away at these and leave you no time to feel or think about her.

Second post: (This one made me laugh the first time I read it, and it was probably the first time I did laugh after my girlfriend broke up with me.)

I broke up with my hs sweetheart of several years when I was 19 and thought it was the end of the world. Now she's fat, and I'm glad we're not married. Later in life, my wife of seven years divorced me, and I thought that was the end of the world. Now she's fat, and I'm glad we're not married. Recently, my gf of a year dumped me. It sucks, but in a couple years, she will be fatter, and I will be glad we're not married.

Anyway, hope I helped you out. Most DJ's in here will just tell you to go date other women. Once she finds out, her jealous genes will trigger and she'll ask for you back. And the moment this happens and you realize she wants you, you'll notice you won't want her as much anymore. Look at your own personal situation, do you honestly want a girlfriend like that?

Think about all the starving people in 3rd world countries and how horrible their lives are at this very moment. Soldiers are getting blown up on a daily basis because of war and many men find their spouses cheating on them. The world isn't perfect, and I completely understand you were with this girl for 4 years and you may have had a vision that this girl was completely perfect, but it wasn't. It never was. Forget her.

Also, this is something I learned the HARD way. Many DJ's on this forum say to get over a girl, start seeing many other women because it does two things for you.

1) When you surround yourself with plenty of women, your mind gets carried away from that girl you claimed you love so much, and it makes you realize there are plenty of fish in the sea.
2) If the women you broke up with sees you with plenty of women, she will fill with remorse and regret breaking up with you. Most likely, she will apologize to you and feelings will start to emerge within herself. Jealous is KEY in women. Hopefully at this stage, by realizing that she wants you, you will not want her anymore. (Once you realize you are able to get something, you don't want it anymore.)

BUT when you approach these women, don't have the mind frame that you are only talking to them to get over your girlfriend. THIS IS THE WRONG WAY TO GO! If you go this way, you will only see yourself thinking about that girl more often.. it happened to me.

Try out this routine: Channel your energy in a sport/working out and other physical activities for about 2-3 weeks. If sports aren't your thing, focus on getting your grades up. Chances are that when you had a girlfriend, quite a bit of your time involved her in some way whether it was meeting to go to the movies or talking to her on the phone. Fill up that free time with activities so it's not filled with time to mope around about her! I, personally, wanted to get my grades up because I found they were really lacking when I was with my ex-girlfriend. Than start meeting girls, etc.

In short, when you break up with your girlfriend and you want to start seeing other women, do not have the mind frame that you are only meeting those women to get over your ex-girlfriend because it will hit you right back in the ass and your mind will only consist of even more thoughts of her.

You still have your youth life to live! You seem to have quite a bit of game, and you must be attractive if you were able to pick up a girl like that. You got everything all going for you so be thankful. Everything in life happens for a reason, so who knows, maybe another chick will enter your life. Or who knows, maybe even more!

Best of luck with everything, if you have any personal questions, feel free to drop me a PM.

Axcell.