BootsOfEscaping
Don Juan
Yes. 
"I just moved here from Florida."
That sentence contains at least five follow-up questions she WANTS you to ask. Where in Florida? What brought you here? How long have you been in the area? What do you miss? How does it compare to here?
She handed them to you on a silver platter. And you said, "Oh cool. I come here every week. I love this band. Ummm... pretty crowded tonight."
She smiled politely. Nodded. And never texted you back.
I was that guy for years. Talking too much. Listening too little. Panicking about my next sentence while she was literally feeding me the answers.
Then I found 22 rules that fixed the whole thing. Rule number one: shut up and listen. She'll tell you exactly what to say.
Need some help with this situation->
- Thread starter BootsOfEscaping
- Start date
"I just moved here from Florida."
That sentence contains at least five follow-up questions she WANTS you to ask. Where in Florida? What brought you here? How long have you been in the area? What do you miss? How does it compare to here?
She handed them to you on a silver platter. And you said, "Oh cool. I come here every week. I love this band. Ummm... pretty crowded tonight."
She smiled politely. Nodded. And never texted you back.
I was that guy for years. Talking too much. Listening too little. Panicking about my next sentence while she was literally feeding me the answers.
Then I found 22 rules that fixed the whole thing. Rule number one: shut up and listen. She'll tell you exactly what to say.
NewMan
Master Don Juan
Well the bottom line is you have to take a stand.
Perhaps you can get cash from your parents?
Whatever.
If you have to live there - then cut off contact is best.
What I mean is - you do the bare minimum to get by.
It's time to man up.
That means no more sh#t from her.
you don't have to deal.
Whatever you are in loved with - it is replacable.
It's what you have created - since right now she is - shall we say - an undesirable.
Let someone else deal with her sh#t.
The important part here is not to get emotional with her.
Do not react to the sh#t she will do.
She stays out all night - you remain stoic. Don't comment. Don't even care. And she will try and get it out of you. She wants to hear that. Don't give her the luxury.
Don't spend another dollar on her.
Don't socialise with her.
She is on her own.
Today is a day in your new life.
Perhaps you can get cash from your parents?
Whatever.
If you have to live there - then cut off contact is best.
What I mean is - you do the bare minimum to get by.
It's time to man up.
That means no more sh#t from her.
you don't have to deal.
Whatever you are in loved with - it is replacable.
It's what you have created - since right now she is - shall we say - an undesirable.
Let someone else deal with her sh#t.
The important part here is not to get emotional with her.
Do not react to the sh#t she will do.
She stays out all night - you remain stoic. Don't comment. Don't even care. And she will try and get it out of you. She wants to hear that. Don't give her the luxury.
Don't spend another dollar on her.
Don't socialise with her.
She is on her own.
Today is a day in your new life.
BootsOfEscaping
Don Juan
Again, yes.
I am getting some money from my parents which will help. I completely agree that I need to be detached as possible.
Emotional loss of control spells disaster.
I am getting some money from my parents which will help. I completely agree that I need to be detached as possible.
Emotional loss of control spells disaster.
NewMan
Master Don Juan
Los of emotion = loss of power.
Drunken phone calls a no no.
She will try and fvck with your mind.
be prepared.
Keep us updated.
Drunken phone calls a no no.
She will try and fvck with your mind.
be prepared.
Keep us updated.
"Why Women Dump the Guys Who Try the Hardest"
You paid for dinner. You drove. You said "whatever you want is fine" every single time. All the effort, no expectations.
And she left anyway — probably for a guy who makes her pick up the pizza.
Painful. Also predictable. Her mind quietly concludes that anything requiring zero effort from her is worth exactly zero. You became a free sample, and free samples get taken for granted.
The 22 Rules flip the dynamic. Small shifts that get her investing effort, money, and time in you — until SHE'S the one afraid of losing YOU.
cactus3178
Senior Don Juan
BootsOfEscaping,
It's pretty much all been said, my friend. But respectfully, coming from a guy who's been through the same sh*t (twice!), you can never go back.
The fact that she cheated before is likely an indicator that it will happen again. She flat out told you she is not interested in a relationship with you. As much of a b*tch that is to swallow, repeat it to yourself a few times. Let it sink in and come to grips with the fact that it is REAL.
Your done with this.
The first thing you need to do is be absolutely honest with yourself. I don't (nor does anybody else here) know the situation like you do. You can go chase skirts all you want, get some to make you feel better, whatever. But before you go on to another relationship -hopefully not for a while- you have to know exactly what you did to contribute to the breakdown of your relationship.
Maybe you did nothing wrong at all. That's doubtful, though, since were all humans. Whatever it was, nobody needs to know. Just fix it and don't get seriously involved with another woman until you do. Even if most of the blame falls on her side, improve yourself! Maybe you've always wanted to get serious at the gym. Or take up a new hobby. The time is now, bro.
The next few things that happen and the emotions you will experience will come in stages.
1). You'll get fired up about leaving, meeting new women, having your own damn time, etc. Good. Get psyched, get your game face on, go tear sh*t up.
2). You'll move out and come to grips with the fact that you two are really over. This is a sh*tty time. Stick with it. DON'T call her no matter how much you think you should. Don't rationalize it to yourself. Be real.
3). Sooner or later, the day will come when she'll come crawling back. Don't fall for it. Don't, don't, don't.
4). Life goes on, you meet a better girl.
Best of luck to you.
It's pretty much all been said, my friend. But respectfully, coming from a guy who's been through the same sh*t (twice!), you can never go back.
The fact that she cheated before is likely an indicator that it will happen again. She flat out told you she is not interested in a relationship with you. As much of a b*tch that is to swallow, repeat it to yourself a few times. Let it sink in and come to grips with the fact that it is REAL.
Your done with this.
The first thing you need to do is be absolutely honest with yourself. I don't (nor does anybody else here) know the situation like you do. You can go chase skirts all you want, get some to make you feel better, whatever. But before you go on to another relationship -hopefully not for a while- you have to know exactly what you did to contribute to the breakdown of your relationship.
Maybe you did nothing wrong at all. That's doubtful, though, since were all humans. Whatever it was, nobody needs to know. Just fix it and don't get seriously involved with another woman until you do. Even if most of the blame falls on her side, improve yourself! Maybe you've always wanted to get serious at the gym. Or take up a new hobby. The time is now, bro.
The next few things that happen and the emotions you will experience will come in stages.
1). You'll get fired up about leaving, meeting new women, having your own damn time, etc. Good. Get psyched, get your game face on, go tear sh*t up.
2). You'll move out and come to grips with the fact that you two are really over. This is a sh*tty time. Stick with it. DON'T call her no matter how much you think you should. Don't rationalize it to yourself. Be real.
3). Sooner or later, the day will come when she'll come crawling back. Don't fall for it. Don't, don't, don't.
4). Life goes on, you meet a better girl.
Best of luck to you.
So Many Ways
Master Don Juan
It looks like NewMan has a good plan. That's how I would handle it if I were in your shoes, or at least I hope I would, it's easy for me to say since I haven't been in that situation.
The bottom line is....move out and break up with her and the sooner the better. Your relationship is beyond salvageable at this point.
The bottom line is....move out and break up with her and the sooner the better. Your relationship is beyond salvageable at this point.
BootsOfEscaping
Don Juan
I thank God I found this board, I really do. It, combined with Tony Robbins has changed my outlook on life. I screwed things up with girl in so many ways I could write 20 paragraphs about it. We BOTH screwed things up but if you read the "be a man" article on here, I did NONE of those things with this girl except in the very beginning. I went from stud to co-dependant wuss over a period of about a year. I recently took a long hard look at myself, my life and my history and it was a serious WAKEUP call. I now know what I must do to make myself into a better man.
I didn't provide for this girl like she wanted, I thought if I loved her and told her so she would see how much I cared but she didn't. In her world, providing for her means love. She learned this from her wacko mom. Not that there is anything wrong with providing for your women, its a necessity, however her mom moved a new guy in while her real dad was away on deployment with the marines. Isn't that sweet? He came home from overseas and his wife kicked him out and she never talked to her real dad again until recently which is about 15 years later. No daddy=child abandonment issues which as we all know causes all kinds of problems in people, especially women.
That is what her role models of family are. I tell you what, learn as soon as possible about a chicks upbringing and parents and it will usually tell you WORLDS about them.
I have dated so many backet cases that needs years of therapy.
Coming back to Wyldfire,
No.
I didn't provide for this girl like she wanted, I thought if I loved her and told her so she would see how much I cared but she didn't. In her world, providing for her means love. She learned this from her wacko mom. Not that there is anything wrong with providing for your women, its a necessity, however her mom moved a new guy in while her real dad was away on deployment with the marines. Isn't that sweet? He came home from overseas and his wife kicked him out and she never talked to her real dad again until recently which is about 15 years later. No daddy=child abandonment issues which as we all know causes all kinds of problems in people, especially women.
That is what her role models of family are. I tell you what, learn as soon as possible about a chicks upbringing and parents and it will usually tell you WORLDS about them.
I have dated so many backet cases that needs years of therapy.
Coming back to Wyldfire,
No.
Guys...he already knows he needs to leave, and that's what he's going to do. He's already made that decision. What he needs now is to exorcise her from his heart. I'm currently performing said exorcism. It will be more effective if he isn't distracted from this extremely important procedure.
Wyld...professional "EX"-orcist.
Wyld...professional "EX"-orcist.
"Stop Asking Your Friends What to Text Her"
Your buddy Dave has been single for three years and thinks "hey u up" is a valid strategy. Your other buddy Mike just got dumped and told you to "just be yourself."
You showed them her text. You asked them to decode the emoji. You drafted four responses and sent the screenshot to the group chat for a vote.
She's been waiting forty minutes.
Put the phone down. Stop crowdsourcing your love life. Type something that sounds like you. Hit send. Then go do literally anything else with your evening.
BootsOfEscaping
Don Juan
Keep the comments coming guys, its helpful! I will be back on in a bit, I have to pick her up and then I assume she will be going out so I will jump back on here then. I vow to be a rock. NO emotions whatsoever. We'll see how I do. I am going to pop in some Soulfly for the ride to pick her up. That always helps me get in the "who gives a f*&*" mood.
So...here is what we have determined in a matter of a few minutes:
1) You are a good man.
2) You deserve a good woman.
3) Your current partner is NOT a good woman.
You have also come to realize that it wasn't so much this woman that you are in love with as it is what she REPRESENTS to you...or what you WANT her to be. She is NOT what you want her to be. She will NEVER be what you want her to be. She is NOT your "Ideal Woman" and no matter how hard you try you can NOT make her fit. You, sir, are wasting your time, energy and love.
There are millions of women on this planet. Why are you investing time, energy, heart and soul into a person who doesn't deserve it and isn't even what you want in a partner?
It's time to leave. You know that...and while she is off doing her thing tonight instead of planting your arse on the pity pot sulking about why she doesn't want you...start asking yourself why the hell YOU want HER? The answer you will find IF you are honest with yourself is that you DON'T want her...you want her to be someone she isn't. Instead of trying to make her into the right woman for you, why not just go find one that actually DOES fit what you're looking for?
1) You are a good man.
2) You deserve a good woman.
3) Your current partner is NOT a good woman.
You have also come to realize that it wasn't so much this woman that you are in love with as it is what she REPRESENTS to you...or what you WANT her to be. She is NOT what you want her to be. She will NEVER be what you want her to be. She is NOT your "Ideal Woman" and no matter how hard you try you can NOT make her fit. You, sir, are wasting your time, energy and love.
There are millions of women on this planet. Why are you investing time, energy, heart and soul into a person who doesn't deserve it and isn't even what you want in a partner?
It's time to leave. You know that...and while she is off doing her thing tonight instead of planting your arse on the pity pot sulking about why she doesn't want you...start asking yourself why the hell YOU want HER? The answer you will find IF you are honest with yourself is that you DON'T want her...you want her to be someone she isn't. Instead of trying to make her into the right woman for you, why not just go find one that actually DOES fit what you're looking for?
cactus3178
Senior Don Juan
^
That's the best advice I've ever heard coming from a chick.
That's the best advice I've ever heard coming from a chick.
NewMan
Master Don Juan
**
What he needs now is to exorcise her from his heart. I'm currently performing said exorcism.
**
Sorry to burst your bubble - but we've been there.
He's not going to be able to get over this in a couple of minutes.
He needs what every guy needs in this situation -
Namely - other guys to tell him what to do and to keep him on the straight and narrow.
Otherwise, he's going to blow his top and get all emotional and sh#t on her.
To quote Eminem:-
Ever since I broke up with What's-her-face,
I'm a different man.......
Don't put out, I'll put you out,
Won't get out, I'll push you out,
Wouldn't p#ss on fire to put you out,
What he needs now is to exorcise her from his heart. I'm currently performing said exorcism.
**
Sorry to burst your bubble - but we've been there.
He's not going to be able to get over this in a couple of minutes.
He needs what every guy needs in this situation -
Namely - other guys to tell him what to do and to keep him on the straight and narrow.
Otherwise, he's going to blow his top and get all emotional and sh#t on her.
To quote Eminem:-
Ever since I broke up with What's-her-face,
I'm a different man.......
Don't put out, I'll put you out,
Won't get out, I'll push you out,
Wouldn't p#ss on fire to put you out,
NewMan
Master Don Juan
**
1) You are a good man.
2) You deserve a good woman.
3) Your current partner is NOT a good woman.
**
No offense Boots, But the problem is that he isn't a man.
If her were a man, he'd have left a long time ago.
Having been there - I realized that I was in the same place when I split form the ex.
Hopefully he will learn faster than the rest of us.
He just hasn't learnt from the last time it happened to him.
She, over the last couple of years started to control Boot's and the relationship. She lost respect for him, and he lost all respect for himself - he no longer was the man - but was the live in guy. No sex. No intimacy - except probably when SHE wanted it.
Hopefully he will learn from this this time around.
Don't think that he will get rid of her in his mind as he BELIEVES she is for a VERY, VERY, LONG TIME.
Even though he knows she's wrong - she's a B#tch - in his mind he will see what he wants her to be. He will remember how hot she is. The good times. The times they used to fvck like rabbits. That's not something that will leave him quickly.
But he can learn to deal with it.
1) You are a good man.
2) You deserve a good woman.
3) Your current partner is NOT a good woman.
**
No offense Boots, But the problem is that he isn't a man.
If her were a man, he'd have left a long time ago.
Having been there - I realized that I was in the same place when I split form the ex.
Hopefully he will learn faster than the rest of us.
He just hasn't learnt from the last time it happened to him.
She, over the last couple of years started to control Boot's and the relationship. She lost respect for him, and he lost all respect for himself - he no longer was the man - but was the live in guy. No sex. No intimacy - except probably when SHE wanted it.
Hopefully he will learn from this this time around.
Don't think that he will get rid of her in his mind as he BELIEVES she is for a VERY, VERY, LONG TIME.
Even though he knows she's wrong - she's a B#tch - in his mind he will see what he wants her to be. He will remember how hot she is. The good times. The times they used to fvck like rabbits. That's not something that will leave him quickly.
But he can learn to deal with it.
"She Wants a Man, Not a Boy"
You asked her if she wanted to grab coffee. Then you asked if the time worked. Then you asked if the place was okay. Then you asked if she'd prefer tea.
Four questions. Four chances for her to say no. Four signals that you're terrified of making a decision.
Plan it. Pick the place. Pick the time. Tell her where to meet you. She'll either show up or she won't.
Either way, you look like a man instead of a scared little boy.
You'd be surprised how quickly someone can get over another person when they realize they weren't actually "in love" with them in the first place. The majority of relationships aren't built on love. They're built on the dream of finding that ever-elusive "ideal mate". So often a person will talk themselves into believing every person they get involved with fit's the bill. Once they figure out this little trick their mind is playing on them, it's much easier to let go.
BootsOfEscaping
Don Juan
Well I picked her up, told her I was moving out in a couple of weeks or less if possible. She didn't really respond. Its what she wants anyway. She says she doesn't know who she is anymore, and neither do I frankly. You are right, I am NOT in love with her anymore, I am in love with the her that is locked in a little box inside her and she keeps caged up. I will never see that side of her again and that really hurts but what can I do but trod on. If you ask me, humans are a crappy design, we rely WAY too much on emotions. Most guys go through this what, two, three times in their life? It hurts just as much each time. I can think back to the last girl who really hurt me 9 or so years ago. It took me probably a year to get over that but now as Eminem said, I wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire. I just couldn't care less. This will be the same no doubt.
Talking to my friend down in FL was helpful, he was trying to cheer me up, he works as a bartender and knows lots of hot chicks. That helps get you to forget at least in the short term although I am not looking for a relationship anytime soon. I need to work on myself and build myself back into a man again.
NewMan is right, I don't take offense, I really became a wuss bag, she was the center of my world and I forgot about me.
Talking to my friend down in FL was helpful, he was trying to cheer me up, he works as a bartender and knows lots of hot chicks. That helps get you to forget at least in the short term although I am not looking for a relationship anytime soon. I need to work on myself and build myself back into a man again.
NewMan is right, I don't take offense, I really became a wuss bag, she was the center of my world and I forgot about me.
BootsOfEscaping
Don Juan
Well, last night after I picked her up from work she said she was going to a house warming party and wasn't coming home until the next day. So I asked her if she could at least wait until I am gone to start her new life. She swears up and down that she isn't seeing anyone and doesn't plan to. She promised she would be home in the morning and not go out again the remaining time I am here. Ok, so..here is how I know that is all complete BS. First off, it is now 1pm in the afternoon the next day. Second, she didn't bring anything to sleep in(she normally sleeps naked and whenever she has gone to anyones house she brings something to sleep in) and third, she brought her razor(which means she was planning on shaving her pu&&y). So, faced with the OBVIOUS that she cannot even be a decent human being while I am trying to save money to leave it puts extra pressure on me.
I wish I could leave right now. My friend in FL said he would drive up anytime and help me move but I am short on cash. I am waiting for my w-2 to get here so I can get a fast refund for moving cash. I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!!
She is lying to my face as usual and obviously screwing someone else yet still won't admit it. Probably doesn't want to tell me because she "doesn't want to hurt me". BLECK! What rubbish. I wish she would tell me so I could see her for the trash she is!!
I wish I could leave right now. My friend in FL said he would drive up anytime and help me move but I am short on cash. I am waiting for my w-2 to get here so I can get a fast refund for moving cash. I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!!
She is lying to my face as usual and obviously screwing someone else yet still won't admit it. Probably doesn't want to tell me because she "doesn't want to hurt me". BLECK! What rubbish. I wish she would tell me so I could see her for the trash she is!!
You fell in love with a wh0re and now it's time to pay the consequences.
She swears up and down that she isn't seeing anyone and doesn't plan to. She promised she would be home in the morning and not go out again the remaining time I am here. Ok, so..here is how I know that is all complete BS. First off, it is now 1pm in the
As you already know she has absolutely no respect for you. A wh0re would lie to the death. She would swear to her life, swear to God, Swear to her Kids..... She would swear to EVERYTHINg!!!! that she isn't sexually involved with anyone else. I feel your pain and also see that you're trying your best to move on. Also....... I wish you the best of luck in the future.
She swears up and down that she isn't seeing anyone and doesn't plan to. She promised she would be home in the morning and not go out again the remaining time I am here. Ok, so..here is how I know that is all complete BS. First off, it is now 1pm in the
As you already know she has absolutely no respect for you. A wh0re would lie to the death. She would swear to her life, swear to God, Swear to her Kids..... She would swear to EVERYTHINg!!!! that she isn't sexually involved with anyone else. I feel your pain and also see that you're trying your best to move on. Also....... I wish you the best of luck in the future.
"I'm Not Looking for Anything Serious Right Now"
When a woman says it, guys hear a confession. A heads-up. A scheduling conflict.
Here's the translation: I don't feel anything. Right now. With you.
Watch what happens when a man triggers actual attraction. The busy career, the recent breakup, the "not in a place to date" — all of it evaporates instantly. The same woman who was guarding her freedom is suddenly free every night.
The "22 Rules" explain why. When the right switches flip, her timeline rearranges itself around you.