Need some advice

[ssk1986]

Hello everybody!

First of all I want to thank in advance to anyone who takes their time to read and answer to my thread.

A little bit about myself: I'm 28 years old, 5'7" in height, and muscular (for a while now )

About a year ago, I went through a really nasty break up. I found out that the girl I've been with for the last 7 years was cheating on me for a while, and this unfortunately happened in the worst period of my life.

I eventually managed to move and started, very quickly seeing other girls and enjoying myself in general.

(A quick note: Since high school I never had problems getting the girls I wanted. I usually dated girls in the 8-10 range and I was a very confident guy.)

Then....sh*t happened..

Somehow I started hanging out with one of my best friends ex gf. At 1st it wasn't anything out of the ordinary because I've known her for 5-6 years, so it was something somehow normal....she wasn't even the kind of girl I would normally go out with. But, everything changed after I started hanging out with her on a regular basis, going only both of us on various trips and talking about all the stuff that we want to do together.
To make the story shorter, I fell for this girl like I never fallen for any other one before and started treating her like she was gold....although I knew very well that these this kind of behaviour will only do more harm than good. I just couldn't help it and eventually everything went on a downward spiral.
This lasted for 10 months...and even now I still contact her and chat with her from time to time......as "just friends" (Yes, I know, I am a absolute moron )

In this whole period I got rejected by her more time that I got rejected by all the girls in my entire life, and this absolutely destroyed the confidence I had araound women before.

I am in the stage that I can't even start a conversation with a girls in a club because I think that another rejection will kill my confidence completely. I really need a win to get back in the game but I really don't know how to get my confidence back. I even ignore obvious signs I get from girls, thinks that they are just in my head

Any advice from you guys on how to get out of this really bad place and get back in the game is highly appreciated.

Cheers to you all!

 

[resilient]

Hey man, first off start reading Rollo Tomassi's Plate Theory here:
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=90482&highlight=spin+plate

Do any search on this forum on oneitis and you'll understand your situation better. It will help you get a grip with this girl. You have to practice outcome independence. You can't get overly emotionally invested in just one girl. Seeing other ladies will help you keep the desperation you're currently feeling in check. You're still young at 28. Get out there and have some fun with other people. Women are extremely good at sensing desperation when they're realize she's your only dating option in the present even if you don't say it because of your confidence level conveying what you don't necessarily say or how you react to her rejections verbal/non-verbal. If she knows you can drop her plate and turn to her other effective plates that may help turn things around with her and she may start gaming you back with increased attraction.

A few questions you may consider:

How's your physique?
Are you hitting the gym or diet and exercising regularly?
Do you have a job?
If so, are you moving on up and succeeding in your career?
Do you have hobbies/passions interests outside this girl?
Do you text/FB message/email/call her more than she communicates to you?
Do you have a social life/group activity that gets you around other women?
Do you tease and flirt with her well?
If so, what are her IOIS?
Some IOIs: Touching you back, standing closer to you in proximity, holding longer eye contact?

Lastly, one other thing worth mentioning too is that unless she was initially attracted to you when she was hooking up with your friend than it's harder for you to escape the LJBF safe zone. One of the important things to remember is attraction isn't a choice. So unless she isn't responding to your game, she's not attracted to you. Sorry. Cheesy as it may sound, but spin more plates is the best medicine to treat your symptoms.

 

[logicallefty]

I concur with Resilient's response.

In addition, if you absolutely have to, start dating down a few knotches than you normally would. If you normally date in the, say, 7-10 range go after some 4-6s. Practice your game and digging your old skills out of the sand. Even do online as practice even if you don't normally go that route. Gaming online can get you in contact with lots of women in a short time. So yeah, practice with the 4-6s and that should gradually building your confidence back up to where it once was and you can go after the 7s, 8s, 9s, 10s, and get you the women you want.

 

[ssk1986]

Hey guys, thanks a lot for your replies!

Resilient, thanks for the link. Made me understand a couple of things.
Luckily I am in good physical shape and have a good job which I enjoy. Regarding texting with the girls, lately I have messaged her more but usually it's 50/50. Other women...I can only meet at various clubs at this moment. In my friends circle now there are mostly couples and single guys. I guess this is what happens after a 7 years LTR


On the IOIs: sometimes she is acting very playful and we are very close and personal with each other and then, on the next day, she starts keeping distance and starts avoiding me for a while.
There was attraction from the beginning as well.....of that I am sure. Now, I don't know.

Logicallefty, yeah I think I should start as you said....with a bunch of 4-6 and go from there. I never tried online before, I think I'll give it a shot as well

Must say, this forum is a great place. Really glad I found it After reading a few post I realized I have soo much to learn.... I was starting to act like an AFC.

 

[ZTIME]

Hey Brother, Just throwing some insight your way.

Babe Ruth didn't drop down to the minor league because he lost a few games. So why hit on a 4-6? Just brush off the dirt and keep playing on the field you know you can win on. You've already done it!

Why downgrade your own personal value? You see, you set your own scale. Your 8-10 may not be my 8-10, but you set your own rules. It's kind of like drinking a warm coke when you know there's a frosty delicious beverage in the fridge. All you have to do is open the door.

Sometimes I think we as men tend to forget our true value and allow others to manipulate our worth. Rule #1: Never forget how much value you truly have.

Good hunting sir! I'd suggest using a shotgun, rifles force you to pick a top prize and aim. Shotguns take out a lot with one shot and allow you to choose which carcass you're taking home!!

 

[Lozboss]

OP- See it like Sales.

You aren't going to get a sale out of every call/meeting. But if you never call you're never going to get a sale.

Biggest takeaway about being a DJ with ANYTHING on here:

Don't let other's view of you become your reality.

 

[DaddyLongShanks]

Hey Brother, Just throwing some insight your way.

Babe Ruth didn't drop down to the minor league because he lost a few games. So why hit on a 4-6? Just brush off the dirt and keep playing on the field you know you can win on. You've already done it!

Why downgrade your own personal value? You see, you set your own scale. Your 8-10 may not be my 8-10, but you set your own rules. It's kind of like drinking a warm coke when you know there's a frosty delicious beverage in the fridge. All you have to do is open the door.

Sometimes I think we as men tend to forget our true value and allow others to manipulate our worth. Rule #1: Never forget how much value you truly have.

Good hunting sir! I'd suggest using a shotgun, rifles force you to pick a top prize and aim. Shotguns take out a lot with one shot and allow you to choose which carcass you're taking home!!

He doesn't have to mess with 4-6's for ever, but it will be a lot quicker to get his confidence back and then step up. Don't just "use" these young ladies, make it a FWB situation where you are actually their friend.

You will be surprised at how quickly your confidence comes back even after just a couple of copulations...

 

[ZTIME]

He doesn't have to mess with 4-6's for ever, but it will be a lot quicker to get his confidence back and then step up. Don't just "use" these young ladies, make it a FWB situation where you are actually their friend.

You will be surprised at how quickly your confidence comes back even after just a couple of copulations...

So what happens if the 4-6's start rejecting him? Then does he lose all confidence since he is putting way to much value into a woman's response to his pick up attempts?

Why live a life where your confidence level is dictated by the responses of any human on the planet?

Here's what I do know: The OP stated that he's used to dating in the 8-10 range. He admittedly stated that he put his last chick on a pedestal and got ran through the ringer because of it, and by admitting that he must believe that the root of the problem is the high value he equates with the women he sees.

Downgrading your own expectations in life to cope with your weak confidence level isn't always sound advice. To fix yourself and attack the root of the problem so that you get what you're truly worth is the path I'd choose.

So OP, stop putting so much effort into the outcome that you feel that you need from women so that they dictate your confidence level. Work on yourself from top to bottom and the women will come to you as all you have is uncompromised confidence. Life just works better this way.