Need some advice, too confusing a situation

[LookAlive]

Brief background on the situation: I've dated this girl for about 13 months now on and off. We've broken up twice and gotten back together once (we're currently not "technically" together), both breakups have been mutual because at times I've got fed up with her bs.

Well, we started talking again last friday after about a month of not talking. I told her I still cared about her and wished things would have worked out, but that I did not regret breaking up, and I also told her what bothered me about the relationship. This came as a drunken facebook message, although it was the truth (but it took alcohol to make me actually forget my pride and contact her again).

We hung out friday and at first it was very casual, small talk, nothing big. Got lunch and when we talked about us I told her that I was happy being single and that I did not want to date her again even though I still care very much about her. The look in her face when I told her this was sad, but she agreed with me (I'm guessing she didn't want to put herself in a vulnerable position after what I said). Anyways, one thing led to another, we took a nap together, fooled around, and left it off at we'd hang out occasionally and if something happened then so be it but we wouldn't date.

So that same friday night as I'm going out (she stayed in to study) she txtd me a couple of sweet txts that included a " muaaaah!" and "xoxo". I didn't want to lead her on but I was pretty drunk so I told her that and she took it upon herself to come over to take care of my hungover self saturday morning. We hung out for a bit after and ended up having sex.

Now last night she called at 11 after being at the library and said she wanted to see me so she came over. She spent the night and out of her mouth "I love you" came out twice. She was sick today so I was nice enough to let her stay here for the morning until her class. She's been acting really sweet and she obviously cares and wants more from what I see. Yet when I asked her today if she wanted to go out this weekend she responded "well, i have every day of the weekend planned bc us girls make plans together very early".

Honestly, it doesn't bother me that much because I'm seeing other girls this weekend. But I can't figure her out. Seems like if I'm a **** to her she's so sweet, if I show I care even a little she's a b*tch. I just don't get this mixed signal, she throws out the I love you's yet she can't spend one night of the weekend with me?? What the hell am I supposed to do? I'm thinking I won't make any attempts to contact her or hang out and let her come back, but the weekend thing really pisses me off. Any ideas on how to handle her?

 

[Interceptor]

Number one, IMO, cut out the alcohol.

If you cant cut it out, then seriously, drastically reduce it in your life.



Number two, you expressly stated you dont want to date her or have anything serious with her, now that she shows you some affection and appreciation, and you two arent officially together, youre coming off as possessive and jealous.

Youre losing it here. Youre losing your cool, and your center. And youre being incongruent by saying you dont want her back , but it doesnt show by your ACTIONS.


Youre also giving her mixed signals. Dont jump the gun here and play the blame game.
Youre responsible too.


Youre simply going to have to truly reflect on and finally DECIDE just WHAT it IS you DO want , and what if anything, you want from HER.

She is hinting that she placed her friends first as her priority, because thats the way she sees it for now. And she hinted that if you want to be with her, you have to take the lead and make her a priority and plan ahead, and make an effort to be with her and spend time together.


Its a lot of stuff. Theres a lot of stuff going on here, man.


But all this needs to be dealt with AFTER you have decided if you really are full of sh*t and DO want her back, and were just talking reactively and unconsciously, which is a HUGE Mistake. Monumentally HUGE error on our parts when we do this.

If you dont want her back, then take action that is CONGRUENT with that.

If you DO want her back, then take action to do THAT.

If you have to swallow your pride and admit you have changed your mind, then do so, dont be obsessed with being right.
But also, dont just become spineless because she gave you some crumbs of attention or something.
Dont lose WHO you are because of a couple of moments.
And she is not being responsible herself by saying "I love you" to you when HER actions are not in alignment with that.
Those arent words to just throw around like that.

You are going to have to step in and take the lead, even if you dont feel confident to do so.
You cant afford to be manipulated, either by her or by your own ego.

Think carefully about this first.

Dont go overboard either way.
Stay grounded in who you are and what you want. And dont lose your center if she treats you well, or if she treats you badly. I know easier said than done,but you will be better able to navigate these rough waters more smoothly for yourself.
Its tough to make it a habit to stay somewhat neutral and calm in these situations, but these situations call for it.
And if you have to admit to yourself that you didnt really feel that way, admit it, and dont let your pride get in the way of what you really want.
But if you didnt really want her, but are now being swayed by some affection, then let this be a lesson to you to open your eyes up to how easy it is for you to lose your conviction and commitment.
Think about these things...
Good luck.

 

[LookAlive]

Number one, IMO, cut out the alcohol.

If you cant cut it out, then seriously, drastically reduce it in your life.

I think I should have said this but I'm 22 and in college. I had 3 midterms last week, felt I needed that haha.

Asides from that I appreciate the advice. I know exactly what you're saying. When dealing with this kind of stuff I act based on my feelings too much and lose my composure at times. Honestly, I would date her again but I told her I don't want to because I want to kinda be with her for a few weeks without the commitment to see if things can work. I don't want to commit to her again if I see she's still self-centered and b*tchy. So bottom line I do want to date her, just want to make sure it's doable first. Conflicting interests I guess.