Need Some Advice From Expirenced DonJUANS Who've had/ Are In LTR

[NumeroUNO]

Hey Just want to start off by saying it's a pleasure being on this forums and i hope to share smoe good times on here. This is my first post I found out about this site through a friend at work.I would like you guys opinion on somthing ok well...

Well back in 03 i met thi girl at a club she was beautiful and really nice to talk to i found out she was from Canada so we spnd all the time she was over here together and it was slike a breath of fresh air for the both of us. After the time had finished she had to go back home she we decided to keep in contact through the Internet. So once she was back we would talk nearly every day on MSN and YAhoo we both invested in a mic and webcam and both spend are time talking ..after our work finished...basically just spend all are time talking...we both loved it we enjoyed over company very much. I guess at the time we were both having problems with our families and her mother was really abbusive and would never show her love or nothing and was just a big ***** to her, she would always cry to me about her. I Had/Have my own problems too and i guess she helped me out of them too.

As time went on and we had met up occasionally we both talked about marrige and having kids one day. Even tho is was a long distant relationship we were both SOOo happy, we both really wanted a house and constantly spoke about it. Couple years had passed and she decided she had, had enough of her mum and decided to mvoe from her house to another relativees house, so once she moved and started going uni....Everything changed.

From us talking a lot of the time, and sharing so many things to her ignoring me completely. For example she would always come home from work and first thing she would do it come talk to me...or if she was going out somwhere or was going to be late she would message me to let me know. After time she changed... she dosn't contact me to let me know if she's going to be late or just dons't care if I don't come online no more. I spoke to her recently about it and she says that she's finding Uni stressful and she can't handle it. She broke donw crying one night and told me how sshe loves me so much and being with me (in person) iss the best thing that has ever happpend to her. But it just don't make sence to me...Lately she has been going out with her friends a lot...and hardly bothers talking to me. When we do talk it seems as if she is always ignoring me and watching tv or doing somthing. She tells me she has problems opening up to me and this is because of her the way her mother treated her.

I personaly think i've done somthing wrong to her, i've tried asking her but she says i've done nothing wrong. A year into our relationship we would talk for hours and she would care and love for me and now it has all gone. Do you think i should wait around and fight for her? and believe that she is just stressed, but the thing that dons't make me believe this, is because she is making new friends and she tells me i'm not the only person in her life . So i don't know I think i've been neglecting my friends...so i've decided to meet up with my friends a bit more . For all you people who know what's like when you meet a women that makes you feel so special and like so much love i want you to answer this honestly what would you guys do?

I love her so much and no girl has ever gotten this close to me because i don't trust no one in life, but if she's being rude to me all the time and not bothering with me anymore...I can only stick around and hope she changes right? I try to question why she acts like this because somone who loved somone wouldn't treat them like that. She told me if I left her, she wouldn't know what to do . I'm going to be honest with you guys I think it has somthing to do with my personality?? I really don't know...I don't have the msot friends...but niether does she.

So i ask you people to give me some advice on how I can work this out for th better what adive would you give me? And please don't all say LEAVE HER! because that's the easy way out i want to know what i can do to make things correct.


Thanks In advance

 

[frivolousz21]

if I could tell you to fight for her I would.

but you would be fighting a rapidly losing cause.

how far do u live from her?

 

[SeldomSeen]

RE:

I'm going to keep it simple. Here's what I think. First I think she doesnt have all of her sh** together BUT I think she really loves you and cares about you. I think she's protecting herself in some shape or fashion so she's trying to push you away to keep herself from getting hurt. When women do that they push you away because they think they are going to disappoint you or that you will hurt them. I've been through this situation too many times trust me.

I just think there's some broken glass in the glass case that needs to be fixed before you can't really take this thing to another level. I think you need to do your own thing, go out with your friends, go out on dates BUT keep her as a friend, in fact let it be known to her that you're her friend right now. Intimate contact right now is going to get you nothing but disappointment down the road atleast until she's ready fix what is broken.

Hope that helps.

 

[NumeroUNO]

Originally posted by frivolousz21
if I could tell you to fight for her I would.

but you would be fighting a rapidly losing cause.

how far do u live from her?

An atlantic ocean away, sounds bad huh. But i want this to work

 

[NumeroUNO]

Re: RE:

Originally posted by SeldomSeen
I'm going to keep it simple. Here's what I think. First I think she doesnt have all of her sh** together BUT I think she really loves you and cares about you. I think she's protecting herself in some shape or fashion so she's trying to push you away to keep herself from getting hurt. When women do that they push you away because they think they are going to disappoint you or that you will hurt them. I've been through this situation too many times trust me.

I just think there's some broken glass in the glass case that needs to be fixed before you can't really take this thing to another level. I think you need to do your own thing, go out with your friends, go out on dates BUT keep her as a friend, in fact let it be known to her that you're her friend right now. Intimate contact right now is going to get you nothing but disappointment down the road atleast until she's ready fix what is broken.

Hope that helps.

Thanks for the advice. But what if i can't detach myself like that? I've tried and it's too hard.I really enjoyed myself and felt good how it was like back in the days.She might change?

 

[organizedconfusion]

i am going to guess your age.
i'd say 15 at the youngest and 17 at the oldest.
but you still seem really young.

anyways.
she has issues and theres nothing you can do about it.
And it's NOT your responsability to do so.
you may care about her and may understand what she is
going through, but the best that you can do right
now is to be her friend and look out for her best interest-
as a person. Getting tangled up in a relationship while
trying to sort things out with her..is just bound for
more heartache on both parts.Especially as a
long distance relationship.

you are in a position where you are bound to get hurt
one way or the other.

what should you do?
it all depends on the type of person you are and how
much you really want to devote to her.
some people have more blind faith in others then
i do. if it was someone i really loved and cared for
and has actually had some physical/emotional connections and
history with-then i may try to work it out.
but the only way i would be able to do that is to
put the issues right on the table and not BS.
and if she had a problem with discussing them-
then i would stop talking to her and let her come to
me when she is ready to talk.
you can only be there soo much for a person,if they
don't want to hear it and refuse to come to an
understanding-then it's pointless.

a relationship is about compromise and coming to
an agreement that satifies both parties.
not just one side.

make her miss you.

 

[NumeroUNO]

Originally posted by organizedconfusion
i am going to guess your age.
i'd say 15 at the youngest and 17 at the oldest.
but you still seem really young.

anyways.
she has issues and theres nothing you can do about it.
And it's NOT your responsability to do so.
you may care about her and may understand what she is
going through, but the best that you can do right
now is to be her friend and look out for her best interest-
as a person. Getting tangled up in a relationship while
trying to sort things out with her..is just bound for
more heartache on both parts.Especially as a
long distance relationship.

you are in a position where you are bound to get hurt
one way or the other.

what should you do?
it all depends on the type of person you are and how
much you really want to devote to her.
some people have more blind faith in others then
i do. if it was someone i really loved and cared for
and has actually had some physical/emotional connections and
history with-then i may try to work it out.
but the only way i would be able to do that is to
put the issues right on the table and not BS.
and if she had a problem with discussing them-
then i would stop talking to her and let her come to
me when she is ready to talk.
you can only be there soo much for a person,if they
don't want to hear it and refuse to come to an
understanding-then it's pointless.

a relationship is about compromise and coming to
an agreement that satifies both parties.
not just one side.

make her miss you.

Nah i'm 22. I don't think i should make her miss me tho, because if she was the right girl i wouldn't have to play games correct? things would flow naturally. But then again i'm starting to realise that you need to tweak certain things.But i'm not one to play games.

 

[organizedconfusion]

geez, i give you all that insight and the only thing you pick up
on is "i don't play games?"


if you keep on being persistant you may only chase her
away.

we can only truly appretiate things in their absence,
maybe in your absence she will finally begin to appretiate you.

the only ways would be to tough it out and be there for her
the best you can -by supporting her emotionally without baggering her about the relationship.Expect this to
be very painfull at times and troubling to deal with.
you can't "convince her" of anything...
the best you can do is just be there for her ,
in this case.


the other would be just to let it settle down and
then allow her to be the one to come to you when
she is ready to confront the issues.
let her cool off , deal with things and come to her senses
about HER issues and whats really bothering her.
if she really cares , she WILL call you.
they always do.

 

[SeldomSeen]

RE:

Originally posted by NumeroUNO
An atlantic ocean away, sounds bad huh. But i want this to work

She's across the ocean? Oh man get away from this one. I know where your heart is but get away. Thats alot of distance. My farthest was 200 miles and that was hard enough. I couldnt imagine thousands of miles away. Im serious man, go out and date some other women and keep in touch with her. Maybe one day it will happen but right now she has to get over her issues and you have to gather yourself and live your life like it was before you met her.

 

[Swoop]

I want to share this story with you. I have a coworker who is in love with this girl in canada. It's a long distance relationship. He lives in the US. He tells me how much he is in love. I told hiim long distance relationship won't work out but he persisted. He loves her too much. I wish him the best. The girl appears to be in love with him too. They talk every night. She even send him a dozen roses on valentines day and made sure it arrived in time with a note that says "I love you". He sent her chocolate and a teddy bear that holds a heart that reads 'I love you". He tells me he is going to marry her. They talked about it. He was going to leave everything behind, his job, his family to move up to Canada to be with her. They will get marry in the summer. For the first time, I thought maybe this long distance relationship might work out, all the negative gut feelings I had was wrong. He told me in order for him to a visa to stay at Canada he needs to find a job up there. So he requested a month off from work to go up there to find a job. He went up there. A month later he came back home. I saw him and ask if he find a job. He told me with the saddest face I have ever seen and he said "She broke up with me". He held back his tears. Turns out she was dating another guy. I comforted my coworker and told him it's better you find out this early than quiting the job he loves.

This is a true story.

 

[amethyst]

Ok enough of this sh^t... Look bro you are giving up your whole ****ing life to a computer, you been talking to her via net after uni/work and probably barely see her once a year (unless your rich lol) bro you need to get your mind off this girl.

I am not saying forget about her, what I am saying is; go out with your friends, join a gym or some club, take all the steps required to become a social "beast". I know what it feels like losing something that makes you feel "comfortable".

I was in one of these strange relationships overseas when I was an AFC, I would spend hours on end rotting my life away talking to her via a computer screen… Yea I still talk to the girl we have a couple of laughs maybe once a couple of weeks, but now she has a boyfriend, she goes out with her friends, and has joined a couple of clubs and so have I (exept for the boyfriend bit…). Just relax and take it as it comes, cause honestly bro your wasting your life away in front of a computer.

Who knows maybe she already has a boyfriend and you are stuck moping in your house thinking of her... Remember the more things you do the more attractive girls find you, and the more fulfilled you will be about your life .

I just wanted to tell you this cause you are really sounding like a class-A emotional tampon …

Anyway send me a PM if you want to talk about it some more.

Until next time lets Rock n' roll

Love

Amethyst

EDIT... Let the flameing commence!!!

 

[SeldomSeen]

RE:

Swoop hit it on the nose. When its that far away its so hard. Like I said the farthest I dated someone was close to 200 miles. I would drive up one weekend, she would drive down the next. What happens in long distance relationships is you both start out really into each other and you're willing to put up with the distance. However usually one person will start to drift (male/female it doesnt matter) while the other person still keeps high hopes. But the person that starts to drift usually doesnt let it be known that he/she is losing a little interest. After awhile it just becomes too much trouble for that person to deal with and they start dating someone local. Happens enough to make you reconsider this.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

ONEitis is a helluva drug.

You wanted advice from experienced DJs who've had or are in an LTR so I'm going to be brutally honest with you. You're not in an LTR.

There is no such thing as a long distance relationship. There are long distance fvck buddies, but there are no long distance relationships. 99.9% of the time LDRs are debilitating to the maturation of one or both people entertaining this fantasy world. I was going to say you're fooling yourself, but it's much worse, you're lying to yourself. You know damn well what I mean. LDRs are only just this side of being better than having an imaginary friend.

Your 'relationship' is simply entering the end phase of how all LDRs end - one participant has a moment of clarity and realizes how limited they are socially and in maturation by perpetuating this silly idealization of one day having the planets align and fate smile on the star-crossed lovers and they finally live happily ever after.

I wont tell you to NEXT this girl or convince you to try to pry yourself away from this pathetic situation because you can't leave what's not there. You're not 'with' her in the first place my friend.

A relationship is 2 sided, where both people are initiating and reciprocating intimacy, this requires that you are in each others physical presence to fully develop. You may as well be making out with a blow up doll at this point because that about as substantial as what you've allowed yourself to think is 'love'. It isn't and the longer you lie to yourself about the longer you'll retard your maturation into becoming a secure, confident man. You've got ONEitis with this fantasy and you'll entertain it because it's easier and more comfortable to waste effort on an LDR than to risk rejection in seeking out other, far better prospective women who are in your immediate area. You voluntarily opt out of the opportunity to meet women who would be much better (not to mention healthier) in putting your effort into.

If I don't miss my guess, you'll now come up with the standard response guy's your age try to justify themselves with - "You don't know her or us man, we're the exception to the rule" or "I have a friend who married his LDR and they're a great couple." To which I'll say the exception proves the rule. I'm not hard on you here to put you down, but rather to bring you up. To open your eyes to things you haven't even considered seeing.

Go read the DJ Bible and remember, rejection is always preferable to regret. You've already lost 2 years of your 20s on this nonsense, don't waste anymore.