Need solid talk now!

[ZTIME]

Been great after my break up....dated lots of girls and have been very successful doing it. Now I find myself caring and moving outside of my frame!

I know it's not good,

Any advice for settling the inner mind?????

My free time is very limited. My SMV is huge! I just really need help with not letting chicks (or a chick) not get that close to me.

It's pretty hard to seperate right now.

Thanks guys in advance.......This one is rough.

 

[GoodOne123]

Perhaps you are starting to slip into old habits of caring and feeling for your partner, the habits that you practiced on a regular basis in your previous relationship. Or perhaps deep down you crave emotional intimacy and to develop a connection to a girl, if this isn't true consciously meybe it's subconscious. It's nothing to be ashamed about, every player eventually feels like settling down with the right girl and caring for them.

All that being said, you probably want to play the field still and fix your frame.

Dont see any of them more than once a week if you're getting attached. Make it less if it persists.

It's been true for me that any girl that I got attached to, it was mostly because of her looks. Once you take the looks out of the equation, you see her for what she really is, and that's nothing special. It's rare you find a girl who has more than looks to offer nowadays.

 

[ZTIME]

Really need advice on this! Perhaps oneitis perhaps something else.....reading here makes it difficult!! I've done and said the right things. Yet , what do you do when a chick throws you so off target???

 

[hithard]

Can you elaborate a little on the situation and the girl?

Are you falling for the girls looks or personality?

Do you have more than one plate?

Are you against ltrs?

Do you have any stress from other areas in your life?

The thing I find when I am attracted to one girl is that I start dropping other plates. Either they notice my IL or I just spend less time with them.
Sometimes I enjoy just being with one girl for a while.

Ill add more later

 

[ZTIME]

Can you elaborate a little on the situation and the girl?

Are you falling for the girls looks or personality?

Do you have more than one plate?

Are you against ltrs?

Do you have any stress from other areas in your life?

The thing I find when I am attracted to one girl is that I start dropping other plates. Either they notice my IL or I just spend less time with them.
Sometimes I enjoy just being with one girl for a while.

Ill add more later

It's really a combination of looks and personality. I'm still spinning plates, but have spent a good amount of free time with this chick.

I'm not against anything serious with this one, but I want to make sure I'm keeping my head right.

 

[Dynamited]

This is a good question ztime I'd like to know the answer to this too haha

I always spin plates, and invariably one or two of those plates will be of a generally very high quality, at least in terms of looks if not always in personality. Somehow, over many months' time I get sucked into spending lots of time with my top one or two rotations. And the lying, covering up, and generally dividing up what little free time i have among them can get stressful.

Worst of all, like you and since we're only human, we develop certain emotional attachments. After all, we're not robots.

I would suggest better preselection methods in choosing your main plates. So if you do develop an attachment, at least it will be to an emotionally stable and high quality woman. Always seek out new plates to replace the old ones. Always keep yourself busy with hobbies outside of women. Keep active and fit. And try to avoid spending too much time with any one woman.

Great advise on plate spinning. I feel that it's also very important to only spin plates with women of high quality. I recently got myself into a fix with a plate where i started developing an emotional attachment. We have good chemistry but her values leaves alot to be desired. Emotionally cheated on her ex (which she doesn't consider cheating :|) , had an affair with a married man, speaks without processing her words. Not something i would deem LTR material. I feel bad emotions when I'm with her as I'm against **** like that and it's getting to me.

I'm cutting down on my communications and hang outs with her to create some distance.

 

[BetterCallSaul]

This is a good question ztime I'd like to know the answer to this too haha

I always spin plates, and invariably one or two of those plates will be of a generally very high quality, at least in terms of looks if not always in personality. Somehow, over many months' time I get sucked into spending lots of time with my top one or two rotations. And the lying, covering up, and generally dividing up what little free time i have among them can get stressful.

Worst of all, like you and since we're only human, we develop certain emotional attachments. After all, we're not robots.

I would suggest better preselection methods in choosing your main plates. So if you do develop an attachment, at least it will be to an emotionally stable and high quality woman. Always seek out new plates to replace the old ones. Always keep yourself busy with hobbies outside of women. Keep active and fit. And try to avoid spending too much time with any one woman.

I'm willing to bet $5 it might be more simple than this.

Ztime, do you get the caring feeling for just 1 woman or multiple women? Also, how old are these chicks? I have a theory on this.....

 

[ZTIME]

I'm willing to bet $5 it might be more simple than this.

Ztime, do you get the caring feeling for just 1 woman or multiple women? Also, how old are these chicks? I have a theory on this.....

In the past 2 years I've dated quite a few women, and have maintained that I'm not looking for a relationship or anything too complicated.

I have a very busy work and social schedule, so I'm always busy. I'll normally take a girl with me to my social events (beach parties, bar-b-q's, ****tails, meditation class, dog beach, etc.)

Most of the women have extremely high interest. I have svx with them....they want a more serious situation, and I normally fade away after a couple weeks.

Thi one however (although a bit flakey) feels different.

Instead of no relationship nothing complicated, It's become "relax and we'll see how it plays out. I've also had her to several social events where people see me with one girl often. Since I'm normally with different girls always, now people are starting to assume we are more then friends/FB's. She is starting to act this way also.

She's 39, and I thought a bit crazy at first. After hanging out for a bit, I no longer see her as crazy.

That's it so far.

 

[BetterCallSaul]

So it's just one chick you're getting the feelings for? Ok, maybe it is her laid back attitude you like. At 39 years old, it's understandable that women will want to lock down a guy pretty quick if at all possible. Do you suppose that this chick is more in-tune to game? at least game for a woman i mean

 

[ZTIME]

So it's just one chick you're getting the feelings for? Ok, maybe it is her laid back attitude you like. At 39 years old, it's understandable that women will want to lock down a guy pretty quick if at all possible. Do you suppose that this chick is more in-tune to game? at least game for a woman i mean

She's hard to read, being kind of serious with a thick accent doesn't make it easy either. She does seem a bit in-tune to game.

I do like her laid back attitude and her pride in herself and what she accomplishes. She's pretty different from what's "normal" out there.

I don't feel that I'm pedastalizing, but I do spend a good amount of free time with her.

I'm still remaining busy and social, but I do take her with me or invite her to meet me where I'm at.

 

[WhiskeyTango]

I'm willing to bet $5 it might be more simple than this.

Ztime, do you get the caring feeling for just 1 woman or multiple women? Also, how old are these chicks? I have a theory on this.....

Saul, What is your theory?

 

[hithard]

Relax and enjoy.

Just make sure you protect yourself financially. Make sure you really put the thought into this in case you get stupid down the track.

You mentioned she was crazy and a bit of a flake. Bad habits present themselves at the very start and then are hidden during the dating stage. Don't get love blind. Know that these things are there.

Your main worry seems to be "not falling back to afc status" and losing yourself. Its a fine line between: being able to feel all those great emotions of being in a relationship and over investing oneself.
If you don't think you are ready then back off.

If you want to try, then don't just be led by emotions. Know what you want to get out of this. Its the same as anything in your life. If you give it to much attention other areas suffer. Too little and it turns to $hit.

You don't need to give her things, spend money or impress her with flashy wealth. Because all they will do is enjoy the ride.

The moment it no longer feels right, bail.

Everything is practice and fail till you get the balance right. But know yourself and the areas you are weak in. If you are a sucker with a habit of "***** on a pedestal" then stay alert and know when you are sliding.

You can do whatever you want. Just follow the rules:
1. You are the man.
2. Protect yourself.
3. Don't let your emotions blind you.
4. Don't turn your brain off.
5. Don't be a white knight.
6. Always have an outside perspective on the situation because no one ever follows rule 3.

Everyone thinks you harden your emotions to this stuff by trying to turn them off. When really that makes it worse. You need to practice with emotion to gain control over them. That means not hiding away from feeling.

 

[BetterCallSaul]

Saul, What is your theory?

I actually already posted it. It's that this woman he cares about is more "tuned" into game at her age. This isn't bad, she's truly letting the interaction with Z just be fun and not be work. If some kind of relationship develops, it will happen on its own because both people are having fun spending time with one another.

However I also think that at 39, she still does want to land a guy...this woman is simply going about it a different way. It's actually refreshing to see. (or at least read about it here)

 

[mrgoodstuff]

She's hard to read, being kind of serious with a thick accent doesn't make it easy either. She does seem a bit in-tune to game.

I do like her laid back attitude and her pride in herself and what she accomplishes. She's pretty different from what's "normal" out there.

I don't feel that I'm pedastalizing, but I do spend a good amount of free time with her.

I'm still remaining busy and social, but I do take her with me or invite her to meet me where I'm at.

Get to know how she actually is. All those mannerisms and looks and stuff is nice to look at as eye and mental candy. But how is she going to be for you, to deal with on a regular basis?

 

[ZTIME]

Not Saul, but here's my take...

I suspect @ZTIME appreciates having a deeper connection with a woman/women rather than perpetual surface level pumps and dumps. I suspect when he can find depth with an attractive, sexy woman whom he respects, without having his sense of freedom impinged upon, he gets lit up from the inside out (and down below of course). At the same time it also trips his warning sensors, as it means he is leaving the shallow end of the pool and now moving towards playing in the deep end of the pool. He knows that requires much more awareness, to play safely.

Pretty spot on. Most of the women I've dated or even the few I see on a regular basis really offer no depth. They're mostly fun, and most of them want more of a serious thing with me, but there's no connection.

Fast forward to now where I feel that there is more of a connection. (In all of the right ways)

I'm not a "clingy" kind of guy and pretty good at keeping frame. So any thing more serious then a "pump and dump" starts to resonate in the back of my mind, and causes my caution indicators to engage.

I have not deviated from my life's path, I've just made it easier for her to walk it with me. (So far, as every beginning has an end).

Guess we'll see what happens. Still a bit weirded out by the whole thing.

Thanks to all for the words of wisdom. I read each post and digested the information. It's good to have guys and girls available for this stuff. Be blessed.

 

[ZTIME]

If you are willing, would you share more about what that ^^^ is for you?

Of course!

I think my last LTR, and reading threads here kind of made me hardened toward relationships. I really just became numb to women. They're great for svx, hanging out with, and some communication, but nothing deeper.

I'd go on a crap load of dates, go home with a ton of them and that was about it. Girls would call me distant, non caring, and mean. And I really didn't care. They weren't really bringing anything to the table so I was losing nothing. What's even more funny is that these same women calling me these things were blowing up my phone trying to get me to be more!

So now, I meet this chick that's different. More on a connection level for me. It's hard to pinpoint, and I know we all have different things that turn us on, but for me, she just works.

I'm weirded out because This has not been anything I've experienced or wanted. I prefer situations that are easy to walk away from, not situations that can led to complications.

I'm very good at controlling my emotions (Buddhist), yet very in tune to my surroundings. We'll see how it all plays out. I'll remain patient and calm.

On a side note: she met me out last night. We were sitting at the bar talking, and She gave me some random compliment while being all touchy. I sarcastically said "I think you're starting to like me. Ha ha!" She pulls out her cell phone and says "I want you to read this"
It was a text she sent to her friend.

"I seriously think I'm falling in love with this guy, he's the best guy I've ever met"

I handed her phone back and said "nice text. Pretty flattering. Thank you." She's not pushing real hard yet, but it's coming.

 

[guru1000]

Yup, they always seem great in the honeymoon phase, don't they? Following the honeymoon phase, her true character will emerge.

Don't jump in (emotionally) just yet my friend. Be and stay vigilant. Keep one foot out the door, and the other foot manipulatively in. Relationships can take years to build, and then dissolve at a moment's notice.

 

[ZTIME]

Yup, they always seem great in the honeymoon phase, don't they? Following the honeymoon phase, her true character will emerge.

Don't jump in (emotionally) just yet my friend. Be and stay vigilant. Keep one foot out the door, and the other foot manipulatively in. Relationships can take years to build, and then dissolve at a moment's notice.

Thank you! Funny, we always say one foot out the door and one on a banana peel.... That way you can slide right out of the situation.

Be blessed!

 

[ZTIME]

@ZTIME, fill in obvious disclaimer about advice from a woman...on top of that, a disclaimer that this is not "SS style DJ advice", this sharing is particular to Ztime and his awareness, as I experience it from my perspective. That all said...

My deepest encouragement to you Ztime is to focus on being present in the moment. No fast forwarding to what is going to happen next, or after that, or if all goes well, or if it doesn't. Remain fully aware and present in the moment now. Enjoy it with all that you are. When you are not with her, enjoy those moments. Be where you are then. Do not chase your mind into fantasies of being with her tomorrow. Be where you are. Then, when you are with her, be fully present and fully with her. Allow yourself to connect to her and to receive her, as you are inclined.

Remain centered in yourself and your awareness of the present moment and all you experience, including her. Keep an eye on yourself that you don't move off your center or outside yourself when you are with her. Sometimes in our enthusiasm, or curiosity, or simply an enjoyment of another we can almost leave ourselves behind, as we focus onto or into them. Remain aware, as that is where you can begin to lose yourself. Don't be fearful. Hurt is not going to kill you. Connecting is a beautiful experience. (I know, it's girly speak.) It offers a richness, to us that so much in this life will never touch as deeply.

I encourage you not to shy away from it. I encourage you not to meet with walls to barricade out an army. I encourage you to meet it from your center. From my perspective, when one is centered, there in an inherent responsiveness possible, a guidance system if you will. When you are centered you are aware and with that comes clear recognition of aspects that support your greatest well-being and those that don't. If your allegiance is to remaining present, centered, and being truthful with yourself (as opposed to in denial) there is space to relax and just enjoy the unfoldment of what is. That is the richness of life.

For DJ's reading this in horror, I am in no way suggesting he disregard red flags or other indicators. Quite the opposite in fact. I am suggesting he interact from a place so centered that he does not have to meet her from guardedness and againstness, as a result of all the prior hurts of his own and imbibed here. They are not to be disregarded either. The suggestion is to engage with her, in the moments you are actually with her, from a place of alignment and trust of yourself. You align to take care of you. You are self responsible for your presence, your awareness, your paying attention to what works for you and what doesn't, and how you choose to further engage, beyond the moment you are in with her, or not.

I get this may seem 'out there' to many here and even perhaps you Ztime. I am not attached. I offer it to you Ztime as my sense is you value your inner alignment and have the perception to support it. My sense is that you are in new territory for yourself, in a relationship that seems to offer a level of ease as well as connection. I could encourage you to be guarded and respond from a place of past hurts and fear, that is not my inclination for you. For many that may be their wisest perspective. I understand where that comes from. I know we all intend well for you. I simply offer my perspective for consideration along with the rest.

My sense is you are walking into new territory for you. I don't see this as about her. I see this as about you. I see this as an opportunity for you to test your centeredness, your awareness, your openness, your self-trust. My response isn't so much about how to or not to move the relationship forward. It's about you having the opportunity to practice, all you know. Practice implies just that. You likely will make some mistakes here and there to learn from. That is the nature of growth and life when we are living at our fullest. Don't walk forward afraid. Walk forward aware. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy her. Enjoy your time together. Stay centered. Stay present. Stay aware. From there you'll know when to move right or left or take a pause or exit. Enjoy the journey and practice what you know, in order to grow yourself. Life isn't for hiding away, in fear of getting hurt, or in fear of making mistakes. Life is for living. There is immense difference from living centered in the present, in full awareness, to engaging with a woman while disconnected and throwing caution to the wind, in order to feel good for a bit, to being so guarded you are not really on the field to even play the game.

I see this as opportunity for you to rise to the occasion, within yourself, for yourself. Doing so will have benefits for you that far surpass anything she may offer. If she rises to the occasion herself and meets you there, there is an immense gift for her as well. Support of one's alignment, and connecting with another, to them in their's is.... I am not going to put words on it. I am also not here painting Disney happily ever after stories. I am sharing what I see as you having the opportunity to go on/continue your quest of sorts. She simply happens to be presenting herself as an opportunity to better know yourself, through your interactions with her.

I realize I best let this go now, as it's already quite 'out there', in this space.

I do want to share about something else that caught me as I read what you shared. You said something along lines of being very good at controlling your emotions. I am not sure how literal your words translate for you so what I share may or may not apply. To me it is worth caution, in case it does.

If one is attempting "to control their emotions," as in striving to resist them or suppress them, that is not, in my view, the experience of being truly centered. When one is centered, emotions can come and go, and you are aware of them, and also aware they don't define you. One can have preferences or none certainly, that again is not the same approach as one of resistance or attachment.

That's my rambling/sharing for you Ztime. If it serves you, so be it. If it don't resonate for you (or anyone else reading) please simply just let it go and use what works for you.

Wishing you the best in every way.

TL;DR Bolded Above

First off, thanks for the words of wisdom. Male or female, if the info posted here helps. The sexual origin doesn't matter.

I would like to clarify that I have been on a path for the last couple of years to live completely centered.

I don't hide from my emotions, but am very aware of them and often question what actions people do to create certain emotional responses in myself. More so to understand what makes me tick.

I've been very free spirited with this woman, yet slightly cautious as it pertains to my emotions. (Never hiding, just learning and understanding). With my busy schedule being the way it is, thoughts of her do not consume my time or mind.

Also, my spiritual studies have led me to a path of not being consumed by the past, or distracted by the future, yet to live in the present moment. This has helped with keeping me centered. It was a hard lesson to learn as business principals are quite the opposite.

Thanks again for the response. I read it twice and appreciate the insight.

 

[daddymonsterpoodle]

I think I know what the problem is.... You are a human being. You like someone. Maybe, just maybe you have gotten the shallow plate-spinning pump n dumps out of the way and are feeling stronger and healthier and OMG actually invest some emotion in a woman you like. Anything involving lying is unhealthy long term IMHO.
You will never be an AFC again. If you have any understanding of game, which you do, most of the rules stay the same.

Congratulations. You found someone you can care about.

Keep yourself safe. Protect your assets. Use covert dread. Dont lose yourself or compromise your core values. Enjoy.