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Thank you for visiting and have a great day!

Need Response Im going to send these 2 essays to U.C. campuss to apply there

kulowiper

Don Juan
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#1.

Potential To Contribute

I have learned through my high school career to break the chains of society and become a persons who seeks adventure in the classroom and outside with nature.
About 99% of the populous wanting to attend your U.C campuses are going to write about how a magnificent leader they are, how they have changed their community for the better, boring. True leaders are people who run on what nature has naturally given them, testosterone. A true leader would find a way to go to North Korea and take the initiative to destroy their Nuclear Program. Wouldn't people say, " That is suicide." However, a leader is a person who leads, not a person who follows.
I can contribute to your campus a diverse mind not afflicted by society. Sure, I'm not going to go to class unclothed. Few people fail to notice daily that their actions are being influenced by the media. Some people are afraid of taking a **** in a public bathroom fanthomizing the billion of words people are going to say about them. When put in a new setting the typical human will be be so obssesce with fitting in, that he losses their individuality ,and becomes like the rest, society. Society has done many things which have actuall.

#2.

Academic Preparation

Throughout high school I have taken advantage of educational opportonities to prepare for college. I have started to take the initiavtive since my freshman year to prepare for a 4 year institute by joining the A.V.I.D program. I have academically prepared myself for college since I first entered the doors of my new high school; knowing that in school I was going to better prepare myself to attend a 4 year university.
By joining an elite program like A.V.I.D, I am more better prepared for college than the ordinary living soul. My A.V.I.D schoolteacher has shared many of her modus operandi about how to be successful in college. She beached us a new style of taking notes: the Cornell Format. I was surprised that the S.A.T got challenging. Throughout the 3 years I have been researching and reporting about colleges, all the way from ivy league school like Harvard to local Community Colleges like Santa Monica Community College.
Overall, joining the A.V.I.D curriculum has helped me stayed fucus and, also introduced me to peers who are passionate about one subject many people take for granted: college.

I want to know if they need more revision before I send them to apply for a U.C campuse ( University of California)
 

Phantasmal

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I'm in no position to tell you what to write in regards to your application; The main thing that I suggest is to clean the essays up. There are a few grammar and spelling issues to take care of. I'd also suggest writing more in depth about who you are as a person and why you belong at that school, rather than your perceived flaws in society.
 

RaWBLooD

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If those are essays, then im a fat short guy.
 

CLOONEY

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I dont know about in the United States, but in Austalia, an essay starts with an Introduction (outlining what you will be discussing in the paper), a body (detailing your arguement, using a few main paragraphes, each pertaining to a different topic backing up your arguement), and a conslusion (basically telling the reader your final views of each point and your overall arguement). The conclusion should not however, state anything new that you did not already discuss in the body of the essay.

Did you not learn this already in "high-school" I think you guys call it? Although then again, maybe an essay is different in the United States. (although logically, I would not think so).
 

Centaurion

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^ Mate, we're talking about the US school system here. Hell, my left nut knows more than a US HS graduate.
 

CLOONEY

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Originally posted by Centaurion
^ Mate, we're talking about the US school system here. Hell, my left nut knows more than a US HS graduate.
lol, I would not think there would be much difference. If there is, go to some sites and read some essays! If you want I can email you some of mine (not necessarily the best, but received good grades). The information on mine will not be important, but the way it is structured will be. Many marks of your essays will come from the way it is structured and the ease of logically understanding the arguement. Essays, will further be a large part of your "college/university" assessment.

Let me know if you want a couple of my essays to read over.

Best of luck!
 

Nexxus

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dude are you serious?
you think colleges will accept you with that type of essay?
I know I'm only 16 but all my peers in 12th grade are writing ****ing 1500 word essays minimum (they're going to US and European colleges)

your essay is one of the most important pieces in being accepted to a college, and those won't get you very far...

Clooney gave a good brief view of what an essay should be like

judging by your first essay
your argument should be:
you are a unique person, and better than many people in many ways... then explain those and integrate it with why you think that college is the college for you!

second essay
talk about how AVID has prepared you for college...

unless those 2 paragraphs were just the thesis statements of your essays your essays are more like... 2 paragraphs?
 

kulowiper

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I have to write an essay with 1,000 words minimum
2 200 word essay
1 600 word essay
I am still writting my 3rd essay
 

CLOONEY

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1500 word essays are a joke! Is that what they expect of you in university in the US? Here, at least where I went, minimum, BARE minimum is 2000. And from my chats with professors in previous years, I heard it is similar all over the world.
 
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