Need help mastering "Amused Mastery"

[Greasy Pig]

Hey guys, my GF of about two months (started off as one of many plates six months ago) started grilling me tonight about me letting slip about how I used to nail a chick that had a boyfriend.
Started chastising me and calling me a hypocrite because I told her that any sort of cheating is an absolute deal breaker.

Even as my harshly worded reply left my fingers (I know, Harry Wilmington, texting really can fvck up relationships), I realised with horror that I'd failed a shyt test.
I told her she was wasting her time lecturing me because I wasn't going to justify my actions to her. She hit back and I didn't reply. She then sent me a "goodnight" text and said she was sorry but wished I didn't get so cranky and wished I could just discuss these things calmly.

I'd taken the bait! I'd stooped to her level! I was thinking by snapping back at her that I was showing her who's boss and that I'm not going to take any crap.

But what I should've done was employed amused mastery. Played with her, called her out on her insecurities and stayed calm.

I re-read Rollo's blog on the topic but I feel I need more info and examples of what amused mastery actually is and looks like.

Any tips? Examples most welcome. Thanks brothers.

 

[SecondHalf]

I'd likely have handled that poorly as well.

Easy to answer after the fact, without emotion tapping on a laptop.
Makes me think that a few canned responses for difficult questions / accusations might be something to commit to memory...

That said, I (given time to think about it) would have laughed and said something like "By sleeping with me, she broke the deal of monogamy she had with her other partner. I was just stating the obvious ... thank goodness you didn't pursue a career in law".

If it rolled off your tongue fast enough with the correct smile and complete confidence, you'd have shut her down. I mean ... you didn't break any deals!!

Think I'll read my own response a few times and put it in the back pocket

SH

 

[Greasy Pig]

Yep, I think that would've worked, SH. Damn...
I did say that the chick cheated, not me, but I didn't frame it as amused mastery. Must. Get. Better.

 

[vatoloco]

Hey guys, my GF of about two months (started off as one of many plates six months ago) started grilling me tonight about me letting slip about how I used to nail a chick that had a boyfriend.

I don't think Amused Mastery can help you, my friend.

Keeping your mouth shut will.

Shit happened. Only you need to know.

She doesn't.

 

[Colossus]

I don't think Amused Mastery can help you, my friend.

Keeping your mouth shut will.

Shit happened. Only you need to know.

She doesn't.

I agree with vataloco here. "Amused Mastery" is only a tool, and every tool has a specific use.


The thing you discovered here is that women are MASTERS of pointing out discrepancies in what you say and do. Even the dumbest of them seem to have this talent. They remember spoken words far better than men and over thousands of years have evolved the ability to fight psychological warfare with men.


That said, you walked into this one. Let it go. She even extended the olive branch to you and apologized first. And you know what??? She's right. You have a double-standard policy apparently. Is it cool for you to bang attached women but not for women you are attached to to bang other men? Not blasting you here, but part of being a leader is doing your best to be beyond reproach. With past indiscretions, it is best to keep them to yourself, because they can and WILL be used against you at a future date. Despite their best intentions, women cannot help themselves in this regard.

One of the biggest mistakes I made with my last LTR was even alluding to the fact I've been with a lot of women. She never let that go and always held her pious judgment over my head in a debate.

 

[zekko]

part of being a leader is doing your best to be beyond reproach.

Agreed. A good leader will role model good behavior.
Exemplify the standard of behavior you expect from her.
Otherwise, it's like parents who smoke telling their kids not to.

 

[AW1983]

The way the solipsistic female mind works is, if they're into you, or especially in love with you, they want to believe you have the same iron clad view of monogamy as a religion that they do. You put a crack in that and and she knows you're capable of disrespecting the(ir) holiest of covenants. If she brings it up again I'd say something like, "It's not my obligation to enforce other people's commitments, they are adults and can make their own choices. However I honor my own commitments and expect anyone I'm with to do the same." That way you deflate the "hypocrite" element and resume standing as someone who follows his own code. She may not like it, but its consistent and puts the ball back in your court.

Also, having learned the hard way, I completely agree with the other posters: in the future keep that sh!t to yourself! I saw one of those annoying photos on fb the other day that had one of those sayings of ostensible wisdom that dumb people love to post, and it said "A true relationship is when you can tell each other anything and everything. No secrets and no lies."

I thought to myself, what a load of sh!t. Do not give these broads any slight weapon to use against you in the future, they will NEVER FORGET. I have discovered first hand that there is something the female mind is far superior at than the male: remembering every trivial word that leaves your mouth, and instantly pulling it from the vault when advantageous. Give them nothing.

 

[Boilermaker]

Amused Mastery == Agree & Amplify

Or not > ?

 

[muscleman]

Amused Mastery == Agree & Amplify

Or not > ?

A&A is a subset of amused mastery. It's more of a conversation tactic.

I actually wrote about this yesterday: when in doubt, agree and amplify.

That's a good start to mastering amused mastery as you say. Don't take them so seriously.

I was at a work meeting last night and one of the new female bartenders was calling me out for being a mean person because I was 'rude' to her when she kept asking me how to make our house specials. I told her a) we were busy so I had to be terse and b) yes I'm a medium azzhole to everyone, don't take it personally. She wouldn't stop staring at me the entire meeting (I made sure to ignore her, she honestly rubbed me the wrong way a little) and by the end of it her demeanor changed and she was all nice and asking me to go out drinking with them, etc. Like AW said - give them nothing.

 

[mrRuckus]

Hey guys, my GF of about two months (started off as one of many plates six months ago) started grilling me tonight about me letting slip about how I used to nail a chick that had a boyfriend.
Started chastising me and calling me a hypocrite because I told her that any sort of cheating is an absolute deal breaker.

There is no conflict or double standard because sleeping with another dude's girl is not any sort of cheating because you violated no agreement.

I sure as hell never got together with other dudes and agreed with them which girls we can and cannot ****.

It might still be slightly slimy, but it's not nearly the same thing. If your gf cheated on you who would you blame more? The random guy or the girlfriend who swore up and down she'd be faithful to your face? Right, so they're not the same.

She should be happy that you said that cheating is a deal breaker. It means you're a man of your word. But you never gave your word to other men that you wouldn't touch "their" girls, so there's no hypocrisy. It's really just simple competition. If i open a business and i steal your customers (girls) am I really all evil or is it just simple fair play where I outwitted you and outdid you to take your girl from you? We all seem to accept this capitalism when it involves money instead of vagina.

 

[Greasy Pig]

Great read, muscleman. That was very easy to understand.

 

[Aristippus]

Greasy,

First, I don't know if your opinions NOW are different than your point of view then about sleeping with women who have boyfriends. I'm a big believer in treating others the way I want to be treated so I personally don't believe that's the best course of action. That being beside the point, whatever your beliefs are, stick to them whether she likes it or not.

You can't reverse the past. You already mentioned it. So the bottom line is this. You either used to believe that it's ok for you to sleep with a woman who is in a relationship and do not believe that any more or you still hold that belief. Either way, all you have to do is say what you believed in the past and what you believe now, and leave it at that.

No need to be amused about it. You either say "I was single and saw nothing wrong with it." or "I was single and saw nothing wrong with it. My beliefs have changed over time but that has nothing to do with us. What happened between me and her has nothing to do with me and you." You discuss as little or as much as you want. This isn't about pleasing her. It's simply about communicating honestly and divulging as little or as much as you choose to.

One Rule when it comes to women. There are certain things you never share with women and there's a certain situation you never get yourself in with them. NEVER put yourself in a situation where you give a woman sensitive information she can use against you. If she can use it against you she will. Never create a scenario where she can blackmail you or twist something that you do to appear like something much worse.

NEVER divulge your most embarrassing insecurities or internal struggles to a woman. Many women will ruthlessly use this against you sooner or later, especially if you dump her in the future. In this case, I don't think her knowing that you've slept with a bunch of women or that you used to sleep with a woman who had a boyfriend will work against you. You simply take ownership for your actions.

You own what you believe and think regardless of whether or not you think she's going to like it. This means you can either say, "I did this and I still believe that was the proper course of action." OR "I did this then, and now my beliefs are different. I made my mistakes and learned from them.". But IT HAS TO BE 100% YOU!!!! Don't just talk so that you can tell her what she wants to hear.

One of many things my woman likes about me is that I tell her what I think or feel whether she likes it or not. Do I say things just to displease her? No. Do I say things just to please her? No. I simply express myself and because I'm expressing the way I think and feel, sometimes she LIKES what I say and sometimes she DOESN'T. But at the end of the day, the fact that I am not afraid to speak my mind is something she really likes about me.

SOMETIMES WOMEN NEED TO HEAR WHAT THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR. Even if she doesn't always like the message, she'll respect the messenger. Ironically, a lot of things that women don't want to hear, on the surface, are the very things that they respond to on a sexual level, in a very positive way. But that's getting into an entirely different topic. Bottom line is, be the man you want to be with no apologies.

And from me to you, I'd say, if you aren't already, aim for something higher for yourself. Aim to be a better person, not for others, but for yourself. If it means challenging certain beliefs you have or admitting to yourself that you were wrong to think a certain way, then do it. 1st, become the man you want to be. Then, aspire to be the kind of man you should be. At some point the picture of the man you want to be morphs into an identical picture of the man you should be, if you follow your own path long enough.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

The easiest way to pass any shyt test is to honestly NOT care what she says. Nothing she says to you is as important as what you think.

Read the book, "When I say no I feel guilty," there are some fantastic examples in there.

Basically, whatever shyt test she throws at you, listen, respond with:

"Hmm. You may be right."

And then just continue on with your behavior. If you even respond to her with any fancy word flips or anything, you're actually buying into her frame and you've already lost.

As far as anybody saying you shouldn't sleep around if you expect your girl not to, that's nonsense.

Do whatever you want, and hold your plates to whatever standards you want. If they don't like it, they can walk.

Even if she gets in your face about it, you can still respond with the above:

Her: So you are requiring to be faithful, and you've slept with girls with boyfriends? Doesn't that make you a hypocrite?

You: Hmm, you may be right.

Her: So you agree that you're a hypocrite, and I can sleep around?

You: You may be right. I may be a hypocrite. And if you sleep around we're done.

That's the general pattern to pass ANY shyt test with flying colors. Listen to her, respond with

Hmm, you may be right. And then continue living, acting, speaking as you were.

Easy in principle, tough in practice. So practice.

And read that book, it's got lots of good examples. Fantastic for shyt tests, and calming putting your foot down in any relationship.

I've used them with tons of chicks / bosses/ even my mom. They work like a charm.

 

[Greasy Pig]

Thanks guys, some solid gold here....again.

@Aristippus, your philosophy is exactly how I've approached this new relationship. I cheated with seven different women in my last LTR but as part of my new So Suave journey, I've vowed to be the best man I can be in all facets of my life: boss, son, brother, friend and boyfriend.

I'm determined to make it work with this girl as she's treated me better than 99% of other women I've been with.

The truth is I'm terrified of slipping back to the old me. The man who always tried to please these girls, put up with disgraceful female bullsht and then got resentful and cheated.
The old me would get all butthurt over a shyt test. I want the new me to be able to deftly - and automatically - deal with this sort of stuff.