Need help in maintaining long distance relationship.

[shizz702]

Me and my girl have been in a long distance relationship for the last 3 months for reasons beyond our control. Long story short things have been getting a bit dry naturally as this is very hard for both of us. Though we have plans for me to relocate where she is at within 2 months and we plan on getting married.

All has been well up until now, but I noticed today she seemed a little down and I asked her if she was ok, and she mentioned that this is just hard, and different and sometimes she wonders if this is all worth it. But she did mention afterward that she still wants to go through with it and that if she didn't she would tell me now.

To give you guys an idea of what we have gone though, she was deported due to immigration issues, so we were torn apart involuntarily, and prior to that we already had planned on getting married and had big plans for the future. So after this occured we tried everything to get her back here but to no avail, and decided we still wanted to make it work and that I would just move to Mexico to be with her. It is worth mentioning that she initiated these plans, and the initial interest level in this from her was very high.

This has been very hard on both of us, and understandably there are gonna be those days, but what worries me is this kind of talk makes me wonder if this is the beginning of the end. Cause I know what something like this can lead to.

My question is how should I handle this? Should I confront her on it and knip it in the bud, or should I just get distant and refrain from texting and calling for a bit? What can I do to regain her interest level?

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[bigneil]

Here are the keys from my 5 month LDR:

1) Send an occasional hand-written, one-sentence romantic letter by snail mail.

2) Take a few days off from texting/emailing now and then - even if she is freaking out over you not replying. Giver her too much space.

3) A 3 month Netflix membership costs about the same as a cheap date. Get her and you one, and then watch the same movie at the same time while texting.

4) Order a pizza delivered and have one delivered to her at the same time to have dinner together.

5) Don't go more than 3 weeks without seeing her - that's when things get really hard. One of you must fly to see the other.

6) Speak on the phone at least once a week.

7) Make sure every message you send (text, email or voice mail) is either seductive or humorous - nothing heavy - ever.

8) On a daily basis, let her be the first to contact you. This gives her space and normalizes her interest level.

9) Mail her a CD with half of her favorite songs, and half of your own. She'll listen to it over and over.

10) When you do see her, make sure it's an event she'll never forget. Go from the airport to a show or restaurant that she'll always remember.

11) When you spend a few days in a row with her, realize it's somewhat anticlimactic. Take a neutral stance and avoid arguments, jealousy or neediness or the whole thing can blow up in your face.

12) When you are together, take photos every day. Then email them to her (and mail hard copies) over time. Reminisce and romanticize each photo via email.

13) Realize that it's normal for her to see other people with that much time away. Do the same thing yourself to avoid oneitis. You can still persevere if you offer her a great romance.

Hope this helps.

 

[Gam]

All relationships have their ups and downs, this is one of those down times, but you can't lose faith because of that. I'm assuming that this is a serious relationship so I really don't think that tricks will work. I do believe that what she's looking for is reassurance and you have to be the one to do this. May seem kinda cliche but you have to let her know that this is just one of the many obstacles the two of you will have to overcome and that this will be only make you both stronger. If you're both serious then tell her you're willing to go the distance and ask if she is too. Once you both agree to go the whole mile it'll get a little easier

 

[shizz702]

Here are the keys from my 5 month LDR:

1) Send an occasional hand-written, one-sentence romantic letter by snail mail.

2) Take a few days off from texting/emailing now and then - even if she is freaking out over you not replying. Giver her too much space.

3) A 3 month Netflix membership costs about the same as a cheap date. Get her and you one, and then watch the same movie at the same time while texting.

4) Order a pizza delivered and have one delivered to her at the same time to have dinner together.

5) Don't go more than 3 weeks without seeing her - that's when things get really hard. One of you must fly to see the other.

6) Speak on the phone at least once a week.

7) Make sure every message you send (text, email or voice mail) is either seductive or humorous - nothing heavy - ever.

8) On a daily basis, let her be the first to contact you. This gives her space and normalizes her interest level.

9) Mail her a CD with half of her favorite songs, and half of your own. She'll listen to it over and over.

10) Realize that it's normal for her to see other people with that much time away. You can still persevere if you offer her a great romance.

Hope this helps.

Appreciate the advice bro.

The problem is, due to me being in the states and her in Mexico, we haven't been able to see each other this whole time. But we have everthing set up for me to move there in 2 months. I do agree that I should give her some space and refrain from contacting her a bit, perhaps that would regain some interest? Though we usually always send each other a morning text. We snail mail letters, but due to the slow shipping there is takes at least 3 weeks for them to arrive.

Overall this is just very hard. I've put in so much work to plan to this move, and it really would not do a whole lot for me for it to get called off after coming this far. I'm torn between wanting to talk it over with her and get it straightened out (wondering if she's giving me signs she wants to let things go) or if I should just shrug it off and continue like nothing happened.

 

[shizz702]

All relationships have their ups and downs, this is one of those down times, but you can't lose faith because of that. I'm assuming that this is a serious relationship so I really don't think that tricks will work. I do believe that what she's looking for is reassurance and you have to be the one to do this. May seem kinda cliche but you have to let her know that this is just one of the many obstacles the two of you will have to overcome and that this will be only make you both stronger. If you're both serious then tell her you're willing to go the distance and ask if she is too. Once you both agree to go the whole mile it'll get a little easier

Agreed, and I'm hoping this is just one of those down times. I don't want to read too much into it, but I do think it is of some significance. It is a very serious relationship, this isn't just some plate, this is the one that I'm willing to cash in my chips with and get out of the game with, so with that being said that is why I am reluctant to seize contact for a bit or anything, especially because being in the vunerable position I'm in, long distance, I don't really have any control if she loses faith. I think that is some good advice and think I will simply come at her like that with it, in an assertive way.

 

[Ace_Magnamus]

sorry man

LDR's are tough to deal with anyway

you don't want to go distant cos you already are

text her and call her as much as she is calling you. dont over do it and text her more.

since she initiated it that is good for you. keep in contact but dont over do it and try to see her very soon.

its up to you but I would make references to the future with her just to get her feelings about it. if she is happy about then you are ok. if she is unsure then you have a problem and should try to work it out.

since she questions if it worth it maybe because she feels bad about being deported and you having to deal with it or maybe she found a new man in mexico since she is there.

casually talk about the future and see how that goes. see her reaction. dont just come out and ask. then you will know. its better to know than not to know and be wondering.

 

[shizz702]

sorry man

LDR's are tough to deal with anyway

you don't want to go distant cos you already are

text her and call her as much as she is calling you. dont over do it and text her more.

since she initiated it that is good for you. keep in contact but dont over do it and try to see her very soon.

its up to you but I would make references to the future with her just to get her feelings about it. if she is happy about then you are ok. if she is unsure then you have a problem and should try to work it out.

since she questions if it worth it maybe because she feels bad about being deported and you having to deal with it or maybe she found a new man in mexico since she is there.

casually talk about the future and see how that goes. see her reaction. dont just come out and ask. then you will know. its better to know than not to know and be wondering.

Thanks man.

Well during this conversation we still made references to the future and she did still show some enthusiasm about when I get there, etc. But the problem is I couldn't help but detect the dry and depressive vibe from her, but hey, maybe she is just a bit down? A friend of mine said he thinks I should casually mention something to get a rise out her, something along the lines of I found someone to buy my car (since I will be liquididating my assets before going) and see how she reacts, obviously she ain't gonna let me do such a thing if she doesn't want me to come.

 

[Ace_Magnamus]

Thanks man.

Well during this conversation we still made references to the future and she did still show some enthusiasm about when I get there, etc. But the problem is I couldn't help but detect the dry and depressive vibe from her, but hey, maybe she is just a bit down? A friend of mine said he thinks I should casually mention something to get a rise out her, something along the lines of I found someone to buy my car (since I will be liquididating my assets before going) and see how she reacts, obviously she ain't gonna let me do such a thing if she doesn't want me to come.

i guess you could do that. you got nothing to lose.

the troubling part is you said "some enthusiasm" when you get there and a "dry depressive vibe"

those arent good signs. even worse for an LDR

if she was ecstatic talking about marriage with all the future stuff then you could feel better about it.

seems to me like she is confused and unsure about the future or doesnt want to tell you that it could be over.

its better to know than not know and you deserve to know. make more references when you do see her but just be prepared in case she tells you she doesnt want to be in a relationship no more.

if she was really excited about the future she wouldnt be acting like this. She would be upset about the deportation being away from you. not the future being with you.

 

[shizz702]

i guess you could do that. you got nothing to lose.

the troubling part is you said "some enthusiasm" when you get there and a "dry depressive vibe"

Exactly, that's why I don't know what to think about what she is feeling, if it is just a down day, or if this is some deep lingering stuff in her.

those arent good signs. even worse for an LDR

Definitely agree.

if she was ecstatic talking about marriage with all the future stuff then you could feel better about it.

seems to me like she is confused and unsure about the future or doesnt want to tell you that it could be over.

I hope she is just confused or a bit down, but fear this is the beginning of the end as stated previously.

its better to know than not know and you deserve to know. make more references when you do see her but just be prepared in case she tells you she doesnt want to be in a relationship no more.

So that's why I'm wondering how I should approach this, if I should confront her directly and attempt to straighten it out or end it now, or be passive and see where things go?

if she was really excited about the future she wouldnt be acting like this. She would be upset about the deportation being away from you. not the future being with you.

Of course, so again, it makes me fear that this is a sign of it ending.

See comments in quote above.

 

[Ace_Magnamus]

since she is in another country and you're planning on moving there i would go ahead and put the chips on the table and ask her.

its not like you're going to another state.

you should put yourself first in this because it is you that is relocating to another country. this is your future. well her's too and you should know where you both stand.

you dont want to go there and have her end it after a few weeks.

she already is showing signs of disinterest and that is not good.

if it was another state then i'd say to feel her out but this is mexico so i would just let it all out to see what happen rather than wait and then disappointed. better to know now than later.

 

[mahoney]

Most people will tell you that LDR's don't work.

I think they can work but it is based on the people involved and their personality types. It is a lot easier if both parties are kind of self-sufficient and independent types that don't put too much drama or pressure or negative feeling onto the situation. I think the answer is basically almost to act as though the relationship isn't long distance, but short distance (and also there is a kind of silver lining to this kind of relationship which is that the time spent with them is sort of like a holiday time). I wouldn't talk about or even really acknowledge the downsides of such a situation - but as i say, this really depends on what kinds of people you both are

 

[shizz702]

Just wanted to update, I received a morning text from her apologizing for her actions and wishing me a great day and all. So I suppose that is a good sign.

I'm hoping this is just a ripple in the tide and don't want to overthink it. I think I will just be passive about this for now and see if this kind of behaviour continues. If it does I know I will have to deal with it, but hey maybe she was just a bit down or having a bad day, who knows?

Normally I would knip things right in the bud but being that we are LD I want to be a little more cautious cause we are in vunerable positions and it's hard and taking dedication to one another to see this out

 

[The_411]

IMHO there is no such thing as a LDR because you can't have a relationship without face to face contact and I don't count seeing someone once every three to four weeks.

I'm not saying this to be a **** or be pessimistic.

When you have sex oxytocin is released and that's the chemical that helps create an attachment for your partner.

Not to mention that you almost always run into the problem of overanalysis and paranoia if one simple thing isn't going right.

Remember the phone and texting are supposed to be used for setting up dates not chatting for long periods of time. When you spend lots of tiem chatting over the phone you kill attraction.

The most critical problem is the lack of commmunication through body language. This is compeltely lost over the phone or text. What someone says may not be congruent with what their body language and with women body language is more important as they'll say just about anything .

The other issue is that you can't just jump her bones when there's a problem
or demonstrate through your body language that you are unhappy or create mood or tone very easily via the phone and especially not over text.

 

[bigneil]

It takes an unusual event to create a LDR. I've had two. In one case we had a great relationship and then I moved. It fizzled out after about 2 months. In another case, I met her in a different state and we had love at first sight, and I was going to be driving through her state again in 3 weeks. So we texted/emailed/phoned every day until then, and she said she'd be willing to move with me (she lived midway along my 1800 mile path as I relocated). We met in her state and got a hotel. It was the best romance ever due to the fact we couldn't see eachother but both wanted to be together more than anything. Then each of us flew to see the other twice, but it too fizzled out. As Carlos Xuma said, LDR's creates false intimacy. We both imagined the other to be perfect so it was a letdown to spend several days together. You MUST have a plan to see them again at a definite date or it will fizzle out quickly. If you do have such a date, it can be extremely romantic.

 

[shizz702]

It takes an unusual event to create a LDR. I've had two. In one case we had a great relationship and then I moved. It fizzled out after about 2 months. In another case, I met her in a different state and we had love at first sight, and I was going to be driving through her state again in 3 weeks. So we texted/emailed/phoned every day until then, and she said she'd be willing to move with me (she lived midway along my 1800 mile path as I relocated). We met in her state and got a hotel. It was the best romance ever due to the fact we couldn't see eachother but both wanted to be together more than anything. Then each of us flew to see the other twice, but it too fizzled out. As Carlos Xuma said, LDR's creates false intimacy. We both imagined the other to be perfect so it was a letdown to spend several days together. You MUST have a plan to see them again at a definite date or it will fizzle out quickly. If you do have such a date, it can be extremely romantic.

It takes an unusual event indeed, and in our case it really is a shame cause if she could be here now, I know we'd be fine and happy together as we were.

I'm very aware how these things can fade out and just hope that this isn't a sign of that to come.

We have that time set now, and only have two months to go. I really believe if we can just make it through that we will be fine and can move on with our lives, and think to myself how great it is gonna be when we get to see each other in the airport finally after all this and when we get to have our 1 week getaway we have planned to spend at a resort.