Need Help Guys - First time posting

[SO195]

Alright guys so this post will be long winded and a long story (sorry about the grammatical errors I am typing way fast)

First off a little background about myself. I am 27 year old actor in NYC for about 5 years currently training in conservatory program as well as getting professional work. Was just on a show that plays on HBO.

Anyways here goes. (the whole story to give context)

So I met this girl lets call her G. in the middle of August. She was recommended to move with some buddies of mine (who I have had some beef with on off throughout the past year but otherwise we are buds) by a girl I was hooking up with at the moment. G became friends with this girl because they were both entering the same acting conservatory that I am in and were both from the same city, which is also the city I am from.

So I stopped hooking up with the friend right before I met this girl because I got gold digger vibes and she wasn't quite my style.

Anyways, she moves in with two of my guy friends, one really wants her to live there and the other is a little hesitant because he got weird vibes from her. But she ends up moving in mid august. We chatted on Facebook briefly and planned to take her and her roommate/my friend out for the night in the city to get her to feel comfortable, especially with the fact she would be living with two dudes. We had a really good time and instant chemistry but I looked at her more as friend because school was starting up and I didn't want to get distracted from that and my career.

I got vibes that my friend liked her and thought to myself that would be the worst possible thing because you don't xxxx where you eat. Anyways I am naturally flirtatious and so is she so we had that going on and my friend mistook that as I was trying to get with her and we had a falling out until recently repairing our relationship as friends.

We hang out another night (all 3 of us) and the vibes are there even more and she gets really drunk and my friend/her roommate has to take care of her the rest of the night and now hates me even more. I was partly responsible because I got us to all go dancing and drinking but I didnt really know she couldn't handle her alcohol.

So my friend and I are not really on speaking terms, we briefly try to patch things up because some of it was due to my flaking on him over the summer and we agree to put water under the bridge. So moving on, she told me her bday was around the corner and I decided to throw her a bday at my work and to get all my acting school friends to come out to have an end of the summer party and introduce her to the school. It was an awesome birthday which she loved and I could tell she was into me at that point but again I brushed it off.

Anyways we talk on the phone for the first couple weeks of September pretty much everyday as friends, she still thinks I am into this other girl that I was hooking up with but I wasn't I just liked chatting with her on the phone. We bonded fast based on very similar life experiences. By mid September she has a falling out with my friend/her roommate and saying that he was being a complete xxxx towards her because he admitted his "undying love" to her and she wouldn't return the favor. I thought that would be odd of my friend if they never did anything to say something that extreme but I sided with her and told her it would probably be best to look for another place to live because her living with my two guys friends isn't the most healthy situation. She doesn't move out but puts up boundries. (I come to find out her and my friend did in fact hook up (no sex, just making out) on a constant basis from the beginning until mid September but she didn't admit to that until our break up)

So I keep telling her we should hang out soon as friends because I loved being around her and we keep setting dates and I couldn't commit. Then one night after work I get a little drunk and call her and tell her I have a crush on her. She now really wants to hang out. So I made plans but didnt really remember making them and flake out on her the next day because of it even though she got really dressed up and everything, which she told me later she did. She was furious at me but gave me the benefit of making up to her and we end up hanging out the following week.

So the following week (End of September rolls around) and she comes to my area for dinner and to crash at my place because I told her it was right near where her rehearsals for her show were performing at. I told her not to worry and that we were just friends. Anyways we get a little tipsy and we start making out hardcore. I actually stopped myself from trying to have sex with her because I thought to myself I want to see how far I can take whatever is happening and maybe she is relationship material and she isn't the type of girl to have sex on the first date. We wake up the next morning and kinda brushed everything off but admitted we both really like each other.

So we literally start hanging out every single day (I am usually not like this and my gut was telling me to pull back) but I said xxxx it and for some reason we really connected and for once in my life I saw the girl I could possibly marry. This girl was amazing she was outgoing, slightly dramatic, intense, goal oriented, sexy, funny, goofy.....she was literally a mirror version of me and we synched up on so many levels.

About 3 weeks into the relationship we tell each other we love each other (she said it first)...I was a little hesitant. But I finally said it. It felt real, even more so than my past on again off again 3 yr relationship before her.

She admitted me all her secrets and past abusive relationships and I promised I would not be those guys. I told her I was an xxxx to a lot of girls, I am kind of a bad boy (some of it is manfucatured because of my career), but I wanted to do right by her. I wanted to actually be the good guy for once. I told her about my past drug problems which were never really problems because I took charge and got help before the became so and my past history with women. This scared her a little but I put her at ease and saying I would earn her trust.

She herself had a lot of trust issues, coming from abusive relationship, dad dying when she was young and having to go through that (it was a slow and painful death) and her mom remarrying while her dad was dying. So she definitely had a lot of abandonement issues. But that was fine with me because it was very similar to what I experienced and I thought I could move forward in life with this girl.

Anyways we cried in each others arms and talked late into the night pretty much every night.

We had to hide the relationship initially from our social circle because of her whole roommate situation but eventually after a week or two we came out with it in Mid October that we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend.

But right before we came out she ended up coming to my work one night and flipping out because she found out that I didn’t tell her that I knew her roommate knew. I explained I wasn’t trying to lie to her and she wouldn’t here any of it she literally raged into me at my work and then afterwards and saying that two things in the world matter to her: lying and cheating and once that happens her trust is done.

 

[SO195]

Part 2

Well she calls me the next day and opens the door to forgive me. I still cant believe how she acted. She made me promise as a sign of trust to quit smoking, which I’ve been wanting to do and it gave me all the more reason to do it. And so we are back together again and everything is fine.

Again we literally spend everyday we aren’t working, in class or in rehearsal with each other, on top of texting each other all the time. We have some arguments here and there but we are both intense people but she throws more of a child’s tantrum and at those points I just disengage and let her cool off. She ran away from me a couple of times because she got scared I would abandon her but she eventually came back and I calmed her down.

Then Halloween rolls around and we finally have sex for the first time and we literally now have sex all the time from that point on. But she has some serious issues in that department but I provided a safe space for her to work through them. Even though at the same time she liked things like choking and being slapped which I didn’t mind but thought was a little off.

Then we take a week break from class at the beginning of November and we introduce ourselves to our parents and her parents fall in love with me and she tells them that this could be the “one” ( I was little scared).

We get back to New York and she gets drunk one night and rages into me and I tell her to never do that again and she stops drinking as much. And I had a night where she felt like she had to take care of me and was going to dump me but then we resolved and promised each other no matter what we see each other get better and that we both decided to start looking into therapy as way to grow.

So everything is fine and then Thanksgiving comes around and she tells her whole family about me and they want me to come to Florida with them for Xmass. I was really flattered but declined because I promised my mom to stay with her.

Then we get back from Thanksgiving and the pivotal event occurs. We are sitting in my bedroom and I am in bed and she is by my desk and she is reading an email and a look of shock comes over her face and I jump out of my bed and grab the computer and her arm (my protective instinct kicked in). But she misinterprets my intent and says I have a violent impulse and she says we are done. I know I shouldn’t have grabbed her but it was gentle but her past came in a colored what had happened. I feel distraught and beg and plead for her forgiveness and eventually she takes me back the next day. I just to clear things up I have not once done anything remotely physical to her before or after that moment.

So at this point I am feeling a little insecure about the relationship and start letting my fears play on me. I come to find out her other roommate said he liked her but would respect the fact that he is my friend and we are in a relationship. She turned him down and sees him more as a friend/big brother type anyway. But it still bothers me because she lives with the guy and my jealousy starts to amp because they are friends but I should have moved past that.

Now we are in December. She ends up throwing me an awesome private Birthday the next week with just me and her. And then my actual party is the next day. So I get there and get a little tipsy and then her other roommate who said he liked her shows up and hes wasted. She has to leave the party early because of work early in the morning but then says that I can come over whenever that night. As she says that the roommate drunkenly says he has to leave to go home too. This puts all kinds of thoughts in my head that he will try to make moves. So they leave and I start texting her that I am going to leave the party and shes not responding and I start coping an attitude and she finally responds and tells me I am being childish but I can still come over but I decline and go home to sleep.

The next morning she calls me and because of what happened she needs space. So I text her for the good part of the day and apologize for my actions but also beg and plead because when I hear space I was thinking break up. So I stop texting and I am mess all weekend. I finally reach out to her best friend for advice and she tells me everything about her and how she has a lot of issues she needs to work on but truly loves me and to give her space and then asks if I feel comfortable letting her know we talked. I respond stupidly with yes.

Then Monday rolls around and she said that we need to break up because she cant trust me anymore and that I also talked to her friend. I let her go and she says that she will come by the next day to collect her things which she never did. At this point all our friends know about our break up because of me and her (I should have kept in private). They all keep telling me this girl is crazy but I still love her regardless.

She keeps calling to check in on me and I don’t want to talk. At this point the friend I had a falling out and she did as well (the first roommate) with comes to see me to tell me that he tried to warn me at the beginning of the relationship what happened to him and tells me that they hooked up for a couple of weeks but it would be off and on and she would throw temper tantrums and rage and that our stories we very similar, except she never said to him “I love you” and they never had sex. And he got to the point where he just stopped talking to her and that’s when she hated him and week or two later is when her and I started talking.

This put up major red flags but irregardless I loved the girl.

So then Thursday rolls around and me and her go see a play we got tickets to awhile back and I act like the break didn’t phase me and she says why I am being so happy and I really don’t respond and she starts being flirtatious and we start acting like we used to do. Then we go grab something to eat after the play and she says that she cant be with me but and I tell her well we cant be friends because we shared too much. She is saddened by this and then proceeds to tell me she doesn’t want to know about my love life and she doesn’t want to see anyone else for a long time and then accuses me that I will sleep with the girl I am rehearsing a play with and runs out of the restaurant. I chase after her and then tell her she frustrates me.

 

[SO195]

Part 3

She then proceeds to text me that night to apologize for everything (she has been doing this every night since the break up) On top of that her Uncle died that week and I told her to let everything go and grieve properly. We continue to talk on the phone the next day and I call her out for lying to me about my friend and the roommate she had falling out with because she said the only hooked up twice and he said the did multiple times before I came into the picture. She finally admitted to it and start breaking down. I told her how can she stand there and say she is the most honest person and then lie.

Then the weekend rolls around and we have our acting school party to go to. She asks if I will be there and I tell her that I will but will come later and she says I better be there. I brush her comment off. I get there and I am little drunk and she says drunk. I proceed to talk to some girls who were all my friends at the party and she literally either interjects herself into the conversation or is watching me from across the room. Eventually she pulls me in to start making out with her and I give in after a couple of pull aways. Then she starts introducing me to everyone as her boyfriend on top of it. We then leave and catch a cab to another party and are hooking up in the cab ride to it. We then get out and go grab pizza to sober up and then she starts to get upset and says she needs space and I tell her she frustrates me. She then leaves to go back to another party and wants me to go but I say no.

She then proceeds to blow up my phone asking if I am going to go out and do something crazy and if I need help she will come over. I don’t respond. I then go home to go to sleep.

She calls me the next afternoon and has been crying all day and wants to meet. I tell her I have rehearsal and we can meet at night. So then we meet up, I pull way back in how I act towards her and then she pulls me in for a make out session and then I pull back and tell her lets get something to eat. She asks me why I am being distant and I just look at her and then start making her laugh and we are having fun. We then proceed to go to another party and then she needs to get back home for work so we stop by a Right Aid and have fun in there (this is what I love about her is we can have fun in the most mundane of places) and then walk her to the train and tell her I am going back to the party.

She gets home and proceeds to tell me to call her and I tell her I will when I leave and she tells me not to hook up with any girls and I ignore this comment.

Then the next day we are flirting through text messages and I stop by her work and we make out and she asks me if I “still love her” and I tell her she knows how I feel. She then comes over my place but tries to make me jealous like shes grabbing drinks with another guy but I ignore her. So she shows up and didn’t think I will be there (she has my keys to my place along with some of her stuff). I ask why she isn’t grabbing drinks with the guy and she said she was just kidding and I wink at her and the next thing we are having sex. Then we go to a theater company party that we have mutual friends with and we say lets just take this slow and not tell anyone. So we do that.

 

[SO195]

Part 4

The next day rolls around and we are flirting through text messages and I tell her I wanna see her before she leaves for the holidays. She says she has to meet with a director that night and I tell her I am going out with my friend then but she tells me I cant because he is a “threat” so I tell her she is acting absurd. I give her the option of not meeting up with me later but she does so anyways. At this point she is drunk because she drinking wine which isn’t her strong suit with the director. And then she proceeds to xxxx about getting food and so me and her leave my friend to go to my place. I was leave to get in the cab she is constantly yelling at me for not giving her space and tells me I guilted her into coming. We get back to my place and at that point I tell her she was being disrespectful and to go home. So she then starts flipping out and packing all her stuff and telling me she is through with us. So I stop talking and just watch her throw a temper tantrum. She starts saying some of the most vile hateful things and throws my past bad behavior plus drug problems in my face and its really painful but this how she get sometimes She then gives up stays the night.

I tell her I am leaving because I need to go for a walk and she then texts me that “she will call the cops”. I tell her don’t be riduclous. She thinks I am going to commit suicide because I told her I might not be here when she gets up and then I will probably go crash at a nearby friends and then she accuses me of cheating. So I go to the deli and get some Tylenol Pm which will make me just pass out but also makes me loopy. I get back to my place and she thinks I am on drugs and proceeds to call my mom and then I explain to her that I took a couple of Tylenol pm but she is still worried. She then “takes care” of me the whole night. And thinks I am on a drug binge. I assure her that I am not.

She leaves the next day but continually texts me and calls me and I text her I am alright but I don’t want to talk to about it. Then she calls me from a party and tells me she is not having fun and I tell her we will talk after the holidays.

She keeps calling me but I ignore her. I text her Merry Xmass on Xmass day and she does the same and reminds me she is wearing the santa hat I got her and she hopes that me being home with family is helping. I say thanks. I then don’t call her or text her until this morning ( December 30) after she texts me that she wants to pick her stuff up the next day. I tell her I will be busy and lets arrange to trade stuff towards the end of the week. She hasn’t text me back.

So here I am guys and I need your help. I really do love this girl and we both have things we need to work on obiviously. We jumped into the relationship way to quickly and got really emotionally dependant on each other and distracted ourselves from class and work at times. But at the same time we really supported each other and when it was good it was GREAT and when I was bad it was horrible. But I let myself get a little needy and didn’t take control for the first time when my gut was telling me. But I honestly tried to my best self with this girl. I still want her back but I want her back with boundries and to take it slow. I know it seems like she has issues but I love her.

So I need help. What should my next move be. I am in NC right now for the last text. Should I give her stuff and apologize for the other night???? Please help me guys I want to repair this. I really love this girl but want the relationship with healthy boundries that need to be set by me. I am usually good with woman but this woman has totally made my head spin. I guess I am officially broken up with her at the moment. But her behaviors seem like they go on repeat.

What are your thoughts guys and also here is a little more about her:

- She is very compassionate and can read people extremely well but also feels like everyone lies to her and blames people and can be extremely unempathetic and selfish times, like its her own tv show
- Can very humble but then flip to no humility
-Very rigid in her thinking (black and white and no shades of grey...I am more understanding than her)
-She puts people up on a pedestal ie her close friends but then has said some terrible things about them literally within the same sentence
-Wants to be loved by everyone
-Scratches herself until she bleeds when she is nervous (which I have helped her try to stop) and pulls her hair out
- Wants to be the center of attention and is awkward about it
- Has run away from me at times because she gets scared of me that I might abandon her
- She had issues with sex (being intimate) which I helped her but then she liked me dominating her which I am fine with both but it took awhile for her to be initimate
-She one hand is this extremely intelligent, witty and sarcastic person but then reverts to talking in "baby talk" at times and acting like child when things really excite her, I mean I can shift who I am at times but its almost like they are two completely different people (People who meet her don't get to see this side of her - you meet the former)
- She professes to love everyone and gives everyone pretty much the same phrased comment like: "this person is the greatest" even if she met you for two seconds
- She acts like a princess sometimes and calls herself "a cat or lion"
- She is OCD about organizing her room but cant seem to follow through on general life tasks (ie writing a thank you note to a playwright that cast her in a reading which was 2 months ago)
- Is obsessed with posting FB photos of herself and flipped out that one of her ex's defriended her
- All the men in her life abused her
- Her dad died early and mom remarried while he was dying (he was basically comotose at the point from my understanding).
-Idealizes her mom but that says she will never understand me and is cruel.....I met the parents and at felt like the treated her like a child at times and walked around egg shells with her and even asked me "how do we understand our daughter more?"
(which I found quite strange they would ask me that)
- Has jumped from one relationship to the next quite quickly but with me she said she felt different but was nervous at the same time. (I was the same way for awhile but then stopped that and didnt get into a relationship for awhile and would just date)
-Put me on a pedestal and was obsessed with me from the beginning until our fallout...she always wore my clothes, bracelets, cologne, nicknamed me, would put postits in my room and moved some of her makeup and clothes in my room within the two weeks of us dating
- Has very little hobbies besides acting, clothing, makeup and baking but also very knowledgeable about a variety of things
- Very fliratious but then gets pissed when guys would take it the wrong way. I told her to watch her self about this because guys percieve her niceness at times as a come on......I didnt get jealous but I am the same way and have learned to tone it down so people dont misinterpet me
- Her moods are sporadic and one little thing can set her off, especially when I would bring up past girls even though she would bring up past relationships
- She gets into things quickly but then drops (ex kickboxing class)
- She sometimes goes into fantasy land for no reason and looks like a child not being present in reality
- Has trouble with directions and gets lost easily, constantly needs to be with someone to show her the way but at the same time can take charge
- Throws tantrums and rages like child
- When she would get mad she would throw everything I felt like she did around to me. Saying I acted like a child, was emotionally needy, lied, needed lots of attention, wanted her to be my therapist or mother (I did this at times but not nearly the extreme she did to me)

I could keep going.....

 

[Trailboss]

If you have been reading the wisdom on this site for any length of time, as I and others have, you *know* what the answer is bro. These certain types of women are drugs. Not much different then narcotics! Ever get hooked on narcotics? They do the same thing as these women! Minus the sex. The woman is toxic, the relationship is toxic and you *really* need to get the fyck away from her for GOOD! Find yourself again and realize there are other, less toxic women out there! She sounds like all the other whack jobs other guys are complaining about on this site! She will NEVER make you happy. She will NEVER be faithful to you. She will NEVER be normal. Walk away and go NC for 60 days, as recommended in another very wise post on this site. And that means NO CONTACT! At all. You will have weak moments: come back here and read when you do! It WILL give you strength. After 60 days, you won't give a damn about this chick...good luck!

 

[SO195]

I agree with what you are saying. But part of me still loves her and I know she loves me....she is equally scared and trying to help me because I am "her bad boy" as she called it. I know she didn't cheat, I confirmed it through some friends and plus we were literally together every single day these past couple of months.

Is her behavior indicating she will come back and the whole cycle will repeat itself or is she gone for good? Either way I am going no contact because I have way to many obligations (big auditions and filming this month) so I have no social life anyway at least for the next 30 days. So the break is justified and I will piece myself back together and see where I stand.

If she does try contacting me do I just ignore at this point until I am ready to have a face to face with her??

 

[Trailboss]

She sounds whacked bro! Going NC for 60 days might do *both* of you some good! If it were me: I would *not* respond! And she might say crazy sh*t like "Ohhh..I'm gonna kill myself now" stuff...let her! Come read over here instead....There are plenty of NORMAL women out there bro! Too many to waste time on the crazies....trust me on that one! Concentrate on YOU and your career and later on, you will find all the normal women you can handle! This one will leave you professionally stunted and emotionally self-arrested. I'm exhausted just *reading* about her.....good luck bro!

 

[Greasy Pig]

Read everything you can about "Cluster B" and "BPD".
From what I've read about it, you've got yourself a classic stage 5 BPD chick and all the advice I've seen about dealing with these women is to grab your shyt and run. NOW.

 

[SO195]

Any more advice guys?