Need Advice on "Approaching" a Woman on a Dating Website

[Stavrogin]

I'm not sure what to say other than "hello." It seems odd to ask a woman what her interests are when her profile already lists them. Should I just go for the jugular and ask her if she'd meet me somewhere?

 

[MikeEdward1973]

I'm not sure what to say other than "hello." It seems odd to ask a woman what her interests are when her profile already lists them. Should I just go for the jugular and ask her if she'd meet me somewhere?

I keep it short. Start with a few comments on her profile (mention some things you have in common, drawn directly from what she says), and then ask her a couple questions (where she's from originally, maybe something else drawn from her profile).

I usually wait after you trade a couple emails before asking if she'd like to meet up. To be specific, in the 2nd email I send, I always ask what part of the city they're in. The reason for this is that in the 3rd email I send in response to her reply, I ask if she'd like to meet up at a particular venue (usually a really nice bar or cafe). I base the choice of venue on her response, so I pick a place convenient to both of us.

 

[Mr. Me]

Should I just go for the jugular and ask her if she'd meet me somewhere?

Think of online dating in terms of its real life counterpart. In real life, you wouldn't go up to a woman and the first thing out of your mouth would be to ask her to meet you somewhere. You have to build some comfort, trust and interest first.

mention some things you have in common, drawn directly from what she says), and then ask her a couple questions (where she's from originally, maybe something else drawn from her profile).

The problem is, that's being done by every other guy writing her too, so it's really rather boring.

I have a couple of different emails I use to initiate contact with online, and they're just funny. I figure if I can make her laugh, she'll see me as being fun. I'd say pick something that stands out as different in her profile (sometimes their profiles are so generic and bland this is hard to do unless you poke fun at how generic and bland her profile is) and have fun with it and turn it into a roller coaster, and by that I mean create twists and turns. Not a tome, but just a few lines.

An example:

"You wrote in your profile that you like sushi. Hey! I was looking for a dark haired, petite woman that likes sushi - and so I was thinking of booking a flight to Japan. Lots of them there. Now, thanks to you, I don't have to. Fly to Japan, I mean.

Oh but wait a minute... you're in New Jersey. That's even more difficult to get to.

(But c'mon! Do they really have sushi there?)"

This may seem moronic, but if you can make her laugh and engage her, then I think she'll be more likely to want to pursue that good time with you, over the guys who write her things like:

"YOU'RE HOT WANNA CHAT?"

and

"I lost my wife recently and am very lonely I am a very romantic man and like to give flowers and cook dinners by candlelight, snuggling, cuddling and writing poetry."

or

"We have a lot of things in common, like skiing and going to movies/concerts, so I thought I'd write you. I was going to take a glass-blowing class too! Please read my profile and get back to me."

And it's not just about standing out from the pack and engaging them. It's about weeding them out too. I always figure that if they don't get the humor, then there's something wrong with them, such as they're control freaks, or is way too serious and uptight, or angry bitter people, or something... I want someone who shows me she can jump in and has fun by bantering right back.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

@ Mr. Me

I had been seriously believing that guys had no idea how to be c/f on dating sites. You're giving me a little hope...

 

[Mr. Me]

You see, stavrogin? Not only does this work to pick up girls online, but it works so well that now I've got Francisco d'Anconia getting his hopes up too!

(Thanks for the thumbs up, F'd)

 

[MikeEdward1973]

The problem is, that's being done by every other guy writing her too, so it's really rather boring.

I work and live in Silicon Valley in California, and on Wall Street for 7 years in NYC before this. Must be the most male-dominated places in North America (although NYC admittedly had a better ratio than this Valley). And damn if writing real emails that show interest in what women say in their profiles hasn't scored me goodness knows how many dates.

But, that's just me.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

I work and live in Silicon Valley in California, and on Wall Street for 7 years in NYC before this. Must be the most male-dominated places in North America (although NYC admittedly had a better ratio than this Valley). And damn if writing real emails that show interest in what women say in their profiles hasn't scored me goodness knows how many dates.

But, that's just me.

No that's not just you, it's a proven way to easily set you apart from the guys who write:

"Hey, I liked your profile. Take a look at mind and write me back if you'd like..."
​

Pfffftttt...... If a guy can't compete with emails like that he should consider... Ahhh nevermind. The fact is that if it's easy to get a woman's attention via an email. The trick is writing a profile that interesting enough that she'll want to correspond with you after you grab her attention with your first note.

 

[Mr. Me]

And damn if writing real emails that show interest in what women say in their profiles hasn't scored me goodness knows how many dates.

Might be other factors involved rather than just the email content. As it is, the fact is that mentioning common interests is something that 80+% of the guys do when responding, so in and of itself, it is rather mundane so as to warrant attention back from a gal getting hit with dozens of those emails.

So, maybe your photo is a 8+ or better, or maybe your online profile or emails happen to mention the big money professions you're in, or maybe it's a little bit of everything?

You worked on Wall Street? Then you may be familiar with Nassim Taleb's book "Fooled By Randomness" wherein he shows how people often misperceive results based on causality.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Oh yeah, there's tons of threads about this in the forum already. Here's the one of the more recent threads.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=137023

 

[ketostix]

I work and live in Silicon Valley in California, and on Wall Street for 7 years in NYC before this. Must be the most male-dominated places in North America (although NYC admittedly had a better ratio than this Valley). And damn if writing real emails that show interest in what women say in their profiles hasn't scored me goodness knows how many dates.

But, that's just me.

I took you to mean you don't need a super witty, funny comedian message to get a reply back. I would agree with you. And don't think that there aren't plenty of other men trying to be funny and witty too. Not that funny and witty is a bad thing, but it can be overdone and it's just as likely for a woman to assume you're try hard and weird, just as it's about as likely for guys with very plain messages to get responses. But I do think Mr. ME had some good points about building comfort and disply you have some sense og wit and humor.

 

[ketostix]

Might be other factors involved rather than just the email content. As it is, the fact is that mentioning common interests is something that 80+% of the guys do when responding, so in and of itself, it is rather mundane so as to warrant attention back from a gal getting hit with dozens of those emails.

I agree with a lot of things you said but I don't totally buy into the above quoted premise of yours. I mean I do think mentioning common interest can be mundane and cliche, but I wouldn't assume 80% of guys are doing it, and so what if they are. As you well know and pointed out, it's the other factors, like your pic, your job and how you portray, your lifestyle on your page etc., that's going to make the difference.

 

[MikeEdward1973]

I took you to mean you don't need a super witty, funny comedian message to get a reply back. I would agree with you. And don't think that there aren't plenty of other men trying to be funny and witty too. Not that funny and witty is a bad thing, but it can be overdone and it's just as likely for a woman to assume you're try hard and weird, just as it's about as likely for guys with very plain messages to get responses. But I do think Mr. ME had some good points about building comfort and disply you have some sense og wit and humor.

That is exactly what I was trying to say. My sense of humor is real dry, and doesn't come out well over email. So I play it conservative, and if other things are in order (like my profile is well written, and I do have some funny stuff in there), I do get a strong rate of response.

 

[MikeEdward1973]

Might be other factors involved rather than just the email content. As it is, the fact is that mentioning common interests is something that 80+% of the guys do when responding, so in and of itself, it is rather mundane so as to warrant attention back from a gal getting hit with dozens of those emails.

So, maybe your photo is a 8+ or better, or maybe your online profile or emails happen to mention the big money professions you're in, or maybe it's a little bit of everything?

You worked on Wall Street? Then you may be familiar with Nassim Taleb's book "Fooled By Randomness" wherein he shows how people often misperceive results based on causality.

Sometimes when I'm on a date, and I can already feel that I'm not going to want to see her again, I'll use the opportunity to gather feedback on their experience on places like Match.com. I've found that they really do get a ton of email from guys who clearly haven't read their profiles, or wait 10 emails before asking to meet up, or have poorly written profiles, or make any number of mistakes that, just by not making them, I've set myself apart.

Without sounding like an obnoxious jerk, I do take a good photo, and you are correct, I'm comfortably in the top tax bracket, which are metrics that women can glean from a guy's profile on Match. But - with all that said - there's an awful lot of guys like me in the places I live & work, so the competition is fierce, and the ratio is really bad. I make it work for me (to the degree that I have) with a lot of volume and repetition of the things I mentioned above.

I guess where I was going with my original reply to you is that being ****y & funny in an email actually isn't easy for everyone, and I think it's important to get the basics down first, when it comes to online dating.

I know I sound like a broken record, but there should be a sticky for do's & don'ts when it comes to using the Internet for meeting women.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...I know I sound like a broken record, but there should be a sticky for do's & don'ts when it comes to using the Internet for meeting women.

Truthfully, it's not hardly any different than sarging on the street. You just can't rely on immediate feedback. You have to be confident in your communication prowess.

 

[Phyzzle]

I did find a woman with a profile consisting of

"-------------------------------------------------------------------------"

Just dashes. However . . . it also had this picture.

She appears on the favorites lists of 125 members.

I messaged her saying "Cool, you know morse code! Well, -.--...-....-.-.-.-...-.-.--.-....--.-.-, so if that's sounds too dangerous or depraved ---.-..-.-...-....-.-.-.-.-.-."

Hmmm . . . no response. In fact, I have no responses to my messages, and I might post up my profile at some point, but I think I need to try a new site first. This one has 5 women in my area with non-horrifying pics.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

I did find a woman with a profile consisting of

"-------------------------------------------------------------------------"

Just dashes. However . . . it also had this picture.

She appears on the favorites lists of 125 members.

I messaged her saying "Cool, you know morse code! Well, -.--...-....-.-.-.-...-.-.--.-....--.-.-, so if that's sounds too dangerous or depraved ---.-..-.-...-....-.-.-.-.-.-."

Hmmm . . . no response. In fact, I have no responses to my messages, and I might post up my profile at some point, but I think I need to try a new site first. This one has 5 women in my area with non-horrifying pics.

BRAVO!!! Excellent creativity! However, I'd question how serious a woman is if she won't even write a profile. Also, is she old (smart) enough to know about morse code? Either she's may be a online AW who doesn't know about MySpace or she's going after guys just for their picture. It is what it is but if she doesn't respond I wouldn't sweat it, you're probably better off.

 

[guru1000]

Try this,

"We could email back and forth but I prefer to call you"