need a little advice

[mbas44]

Hey guys-

Im not really posting this to "get the girl back" or anything like that as Ive already pretty much figured its a lost cause, just would like some advice on where I went wrong as Ive been out of the dating scene for quite some time(due to extended illness)

Ive been on 5-6 dates this year and all of the prospects have ended after 1-2 dates. I am 34 yrs old and back before I got sick( low testosterone, celiac disease, hypothyroidism), I was pretty good with girls and had plenty of confidence. as you can imagine this all has taken its toll on my social/personal life and I admit that now just being around a decent chick I get attached far too easily whereas in my younger days this was never an issue.. anyways, ive been talking on/off to some girls and have kind of just been taking them or leaving them trying to get practice. Well, about a week and a half ago I asked a girl out where there was that immediate chemistry where you kind of just look at each other and know youll be going out, etc. So we went out, walked around a 3 mile lake in our town w our 2 dogs. It was a fantastic time, we were clearly into each other.. anyways she asked me if she could come back to my apartment and have some beers and hang out.. this is where I will probably be laughed off the forums but so be it..

we get back and to this point ive made no effort to escalate anything, she has done all the touching, kino, etc. long story short, we watch a movie, she has to invite herself to sit next to me, i have my arms around her, never once trying to kiss her besides on her neck a little. Truth is I was exhausted and just not in the moment. then she asks if we can go lay in my bed. in my haze i say yes..2 hours later at 4 am she leaves with me not even attempting to escalate. She initiated texting the next couple days. Of course I had a horrible feeling of inadequacy and even mentioned to her how I really waas holding back sexually, she said I was perfect however my gut instinct was saying otherwise.... Due to this I acted totally incongruent in my texts trying to compensate, huge mistake. she slowly got a tad distant the next few days..which leads to me asking her out last thursday and her replying friday night "Im sorry I didnt text you back the other day, ive been getting off work and going straight to bed"..We havent talked since. I should mention she is 23 years old id say about an 8, however besides the great connection she is recently divorced,,,,with a kid lol, was cheated on multiple times. this may have played in my subconscious as well as to not making a move. I assume this ones pretty much lost as I said some pretty retarded things in text after the date, etc and even though she said shed like to see me again her lack of response says it all..

anyways if you read all of this I appreciate it, and mostly Im just looking for advice on how to get over my fear of intimacy after all this time off..at least 3 of these these girls Ive seen have d been into me, but I havent even attempted to take things further(I should say i have suffered severe ED on and off the last few years due to my problems) and this I believe is sabatoging me. THis girl was clearly down to **** and I sat there like a scared teenager. Damn its depressing but it helps to write this all out.

 

[mbas44]

I guess my only real question would be do you think it was the lack of escalation or my behavior in text after that was the real issue. Like I said she seemed real responsive after even when I didn't make any moves.. It wasn't til I kind of got long winded through text where she withdrew. She playfully teased me about being a ***** on our date and I kind of took it too far in the days after about being that way and I feel it may have come across the wrong way given her history. I'm mainly concerned with not repeating my mistakes if I cone across a possible good connection in the future. Thanks.

 

[NewJack]

If she escalates on the first encounter, she is looking for a largely sexual experience. She may not have wanted a relationship or been open to one.

It sounds like the texting (e.g. "compensating" etc) may have alienated her. She actually discovered a fault line within your personality... something related to escalating and sexuality, where you are of two minds. You wrote her texts which, in light of your behavior, appear strange and "schizophrenic" (using that metaphorically). On this point, you were not able to present a congruent, integrated face. You are not able to be one person, in this little regard.

This destroys trust, so the 'friendship' aspect of the relationship was the next domino to fall.

Having not grasped the reins of this relationship either on the left side (romantic/sexual) or the right (friendship/admiration), I guess it passed beyond your grasp and now exists only in the minds of the people reading this.

Dating girls that age is really challenging.

 

[mbas44]

If she escalates on the first encounter, she is looking for a largely sexual experience. She may not have wanted a relationship or been open to one.

It sounds like the texting (e.g. "compensating" etc) may have alienated her. She actually discovered a fault line within your personality... something related to escalating and sexuality, where you are of two minds. You wrote her texts which, in light of your behavior, appear strange and "schizophrenic" (using that metaphorically). On this point, you were not able to present a congruent, integrated face. You are not able to be one person, in this little regard.

This destroys trust, so the 'friendship' aspect of the relationship was the next domino to fall.

Having not grasped the reins of this relationship either on the left side (romantic/sexual) or the right (friendship/admiration), I guess it passed beyond your grasp and now exists only in the minds of the people reading this.

Dating girls that age is really challenging.

Hey thanks for the reply. Perhaps she was simply looking for a sexual experience and nothing more; however her actions after the date suggest otherwise. Although regardless due to the issues I mentioned in my op I should've probably cut the date off after our walk mainly due to me just kind of feeling tired at that point. I can see how my texts afterwards took her aback. In fact the texts look "strange" to me and not even like stuff I'd send. Of course texting in general is strange to me yet these girls seem to love it. I was dumb for getting drawn into it.. Just an example of what I mean- the night after I saw this chick I went to a pool party, got drunk etc. so she initiates texting the next day being flirty etc. then asked what I did the night before.. I told her.. She says " oh wow I bet you were a wh*** too!".. So I just go with it and tease her and say yes I'm always a wh***. Well from that point on the whole dynamic changes. She says how she doesn't do sloppy seconds and hopes I got it all out lol.. It seems looking back this is where the trust was broken.. How ridiculous and all because of this antiquated form of communication. I appreciate the input.

 

[NewJack]

Hey mbas,

Nice details. They make the picture clearer.

yes I'm always a wh***. Well from that point on the whole dynamic changes. She says how she doesn't do sloppy seconds and hopes I got it all out lol.. .

Thats a very difficult statement to be congruent to. I think there are some homosexual guys who have big self-esteem issues, that might be able to own that statement, in their more downcast moments.

Are you trying to let her know that your a sexual being? a party animal?

 

[mbas44]

Hey mbas,

Nice details. They make the picture clearer.



Thats a very difficult statement to be congruent to. I think there are some homosexual guys who have big self-esteem issues, that might be able to own that statement, in their more downcast moments.

Are you trying to let her know that your a sexual being? a party animal?

actually it really had very little to do with that. like I said the night before she was teasing me about being that way; and I just sort of took it as a type of flirting and didnt really think anything of it. I also had told her on our date that most of my party days were behind me; and then of course the next night I go to one lol. Prob shouldve not said a word about it that early on.then when she responded that way to me being at a party on saturday night I assumed it was her just teasing me again so I sort of just went along with it. I admit to having some self esteem issues due to the stuff Ive been through with my hormones, etc and on off erectile issues. Perhaps looking back it wasnt really the correct way to go about it, especially seeing as she just got out of a relationship where she was cheated on. and I do admit that the day after we went out to kind of letting her know in a round about way that I am sexual; just was holding back a little the night before, which is the truth. It sucks that slight miscommunications through texting can **** up such a good night. and its not that Im not speaking with other girls, just this one there was definite chemistry with. I havent ruled out giving it one more try; she hasnt totally shut down my advances, but Id like to make sure Im going about it the right way confidently. I appreciate any input like I said Ive been out of the game for a loooong time and it feels like Im starting all over a little bit.

 

[mbas44]

bump

 

[mbas44]

well a quick little update..So I hadnt contacted this girl since about a month ago, and today had to take my dog to vet(she works there, how we met) and she wasnt there. Decided F it(Im kind of past the point of caring so) I just shot her a text saying how I didnt see her at work when took my dog in..
not really even expecting a response to be honest. she texts back

what time were you there?
Me: around 1
her: I got back from break at 120..hows your dog?
Me: good
her: good, how are you?
Me: good, you?
Her: good, busy all the time, but good.
Me: cool
her: yea

at this point I think to myself to just cut to the chase and **** it. I still do wanna bang her, shes pretty cute

Me: too busy for massages?( we did massages on our one date)
her: Oh, dont tempt me..Im so sore right now...
Me: I can fix that. come get one then. you owe me one too though.
Her: Haha, I do owe you one..but I just picked up lil man(her son) and were headed back to my apt..

I havent replied. Thoughts? should I push more, let it hang for awhile?

 

[mbas44]

lol so she just posted on fb..so I love my apartment, but sometimes it feels a little lonely...

 

[mbas44]

well I txted her bout 20 min ago asking if she wanted company. Perhaps a bit too forward but f*** it, Id rather come on strong than what I was doing before so whatever.

 

[sylvester the cat]

well I txted her bout 20 min ago asking if she wanted company. Perhaps a bit too forward but f*** it, Id rather come on strong than what I was doing before so whatever.

to be fair, asking someone if she wants company isn't coming on strong. its kind of weak.

telling her you'll be there in 20 minutes and she better be there in her nighty is coming on strong.

let us know what she says though.

 

[mbas44]

to be fair, asking someone if she wants company isn't coming on strong. its kind of weak.

telling her you'll be there in 20 minutes and she better be there in her nighty is coming on strong.

let us know what she says though.

Really? I mean shes got her kid there. I mean if she wanted me there either way I doubt the way I phrased it would make that huge of a difference right? but ok.

 

[sylvester the cat]

Really? I mean shes got her kid there. I mean if she wanted me there either way I doubt the way I phrased it would make that huge of a difference right? but ok.

what do you mean 'if she wanted you there?'

who's in charge here? you or her? or the kid maybe?

let's ask the kid what's going on, no?

 

[mbas44]

what do you mean 'if she wanted you there?'

who's in charge here? you or her? or the kid maybe?

Lol relax man. Are you saying if Id have flat out told her im coming over Id have gotten a reply already? **** I havent talked to her in a month. I felt I was pretty aggressive. But I guess not.

 

[sylvester the cat]

Lol relax man. Are you saying if Id have flat out told her im coming over Id have gotten a reply already?

I'm not saying anything.

You said you were 'coming on strong' by 'asking' her if she wanted company.

i'm telling you, if you want to come on strong you don't ask, you tell.

and i am very relaxed, btw...

 

[mbas44]

I'm not saying anything.

You said you were 'coming on strong' by 'asking' her if she wanted company.

i'm telling you, if you want to come on strong you don't ask, you tell.

and i am very relaxed, btw...

Alright cool. Maybe coming on strong wasnt the right phrase; perhaps politely coming on somewhat aggresively lol. I had already told her to come over to my place earlier. So when she said she had picked her kid up and gone back to her place already it didnt feel right to just say Im coming. But you could be right. And she did post on FB like I said that she was feeling "lonely" in her new apartment, after we had talked about the massages, etc.

 

[sylvester the cat]

Alright cool. Maybe coming on strong wasnt the right phrase; perhaps politely coming on somewhat aggresively lol. I had already told her to come over to my place earlier. So when she said she had picked her kid up and gone back to her place already it didnt feel right to just say Im coming. But you could be right. And she did post on FB like I said that she was feeling "lonely" in her new apartment, after we had talked about the massages, etc.

ok. enough of his namby pambying.

what is going down? is she up for meeting you or not?

you need to know. no asking. you need to set it straight. this is the way it is.

that is the only way you are going to know whether she is interested or not.

let us know what she says.

 

[mbas44]

ok. enough of his namby pambying.

what is going down? is she up for meeting you or not?

you need to know. no asking. you need to set it straight. this is the way it is.

that is the only way you are going to know whether she is interested or not.

let us know what she says.

No reply, so I guess not. I suppose I should just make things that black and white then, or would u suggest a follow up text.

 

[sylvester the cat]

No reply, so I guess not. I suppose I should just make things that black and white then, or would u suggest a follow up text.

NO!

if you have stated your case clearly then no follow ups.

What you need to do is spin the proverbial plates.

do you have any idea what you are worth? Do You?

 

[mbas44]

NO!

if you have stated your case clearly then no follow ups.

What you need to do is spin the proverbial plates.

do you have any idea what you are worth? Do You?

dude yes I have 3 other chicks Im talking to. hence why I said in my first post today that i wasnt expecting anything out of this one. My mind changed a bit when she was very receptive to the massage/coming over idea, therefore I figured Id see if she wanted company, as she is still one I wouldnt mind having sexual relations with lol.