Mystery gone wrong

[AlexTheGreat]

Yesterday I was hanging out with my girlfriend, and I casually let out that I was meeting someone later on. I didn't get into any detail, so she asked about it, and I gave her a minimum of information. I didn't think anything of it, just said "I'm meeting someone downtown". She asked again a little later and I gave her some more info but not everything again. Finally as we're waiting for the bus to get back, she asks if I should leave now to get where I need and I go "no it's ok, I still have time, I'm going to that dance lesson with [other girl]". I really didn,t think much of it, since she already knew I took dance lessons with another girl.

Anyways I call her today, and she pretty much flips out (in a civil manner: no shouting) about it. I understand her point, that she felt bad that she "had to get it out of me" that I was going dancing, that I pretty much broke her trust. She asked me why I did that, and I didn't have any answer. that was because I simply didn't think about it; I hadn't planned on "going stealth" or anything, it just happened that I didn,t tell her completely at first, and told her later on. But she wouldn't understand that, and kept saying "people do things for a reason". Anyways I end up by saying I'm sorry to have broken her trust and that I didn't mean any of that. She said she'll call me tomorrow, we'll see how that turns out.

This post was supposed to be a question about what to do, but as I wrote it, it pretty much became a post of "what not to do". That is: mystery is good at first, but after you've been dating a girl for a while, you gotta put that mystery on the side or it's gonna come and bite you in the ass. Learn from my mistake

Comment if you feel like it, I might update this when new information comes about.

 

[PlayToWin]

I guess you have a point, however many people on this board also say that whatever you did that made a woman attracted to you in the first place should be continued in the relationship otherwise they will lose interest. However thats just what many of the people here say, I for one don't have enough experience to really believe one way or the other.

 

[Mavrick]

You're wrong. Dead wrong. Always keep the mystery. Women don't dump guys because they cheated. They dump guys because he is willing to stop seeing the girl that he's cheating on her with. Once you stop, you have placed her above you and what you're enjoying. Then it's the end.

I'll put money on it that if you stop your lessons, she will dump you. You have to keep your frame. You value yourself more than her at this point because you're doing something you enjoy. Once you change for her, the value has shifted to her and she will lose interest.

 

[spax]

If Shes Already Ure Gf, Why Keep The Mystery?

 

[Mavrick]

If Shes Already Ure Gf, Why Keep The Mystery?

Because you don't want to give yourself away fully to anyone. You have to maintain your own life outside of that relationship. If you can do that, then you will have success in the relationship.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

If Shes Already Ure Gf, Why Keep The Mystery?

That's what I say. Ever wonder why so many women complain about their guys not being intimate? It's because the guys are still playing the mysterious and aloof game. This doesn't mean cry on girl's shoulder for support, just include her in things that you enjoyed doing before you met. Let her know the things that she does that keeps you happy. Train her to be the girlfriend that you appreciate and she'll stick around (as long as you are the type of guy that she appreciates).

 

[DoctorLW]

I agree with spax and Francisco. You don't need to pull that stuff on your gf (if you are referring to her as your gf, not if only she is). That's just downright shady.

As for Mavrick, I don't who he has dated, but I'll venture to say he hasn't dated a girl worth anything because girls with high value and self-esteem will DEFINITELY dump you if you cheat on them.

 

[The Deacon]

Because you don't want to give yourself away fully to anyone. You have to maintain your own life outside of that relationship. If you can do that, then you will have success in the relationship.

This is good advice, but take it with a grain of salt. If you want to marry a girl, you've got to give yourself fully to her, otherwise you're not going to have a good marriage.

The problem is that a lot of guys give themselves away too early. They're so desperate for a connection they don't realize that their desperate measures prevent them from having a genuine connection with a healthy individual.

Of course, sometimes you get two people who give themselves away way too early. We call those people "clingers," and when you get two of those together... ugh.

 

[Sandow]

yeah once ur in a comitted relationship, you wanna end the mystery. this isn't PUA. she obviously already likes you. Any kind of games like hard to get and mystery will back fire.

 

[AlexTheGreat]

And it did backfire. Now I'm also open to advice. What's the best way to take it from there? I've thought about it, and I'm not too sure that talking to her about it again would be good. I guess "learn and move on" would be the ideal path, but how do I fix this broken trust that I unwantedly/unknowingly created?

 

[Mavrick]

I'm not talking about playing games. No matter how long you've been in a relationship, you cannot make that relationship your soul purpose in life. You have to have other things in your life that get you revved up. She can't be the center of your life. She can't be the wellspring of happiness. The men who know this have wonderful, long lasting relationships.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

And it did backfire. Now I'm also open to advice. What's the best way to take it from there? I've thought about it, and I'm not too sure that talking to her about it again would be good. I guess "learn and move on" would be the ideal path, but how do I fix this broken trust that I unwantedly/unknowingly created?

This may not be easy but if she's worth it (and still a little interested) it could be worth the effort. Start dating her again; from the very beginning. You'd be starting from a clean slate but without pretending to pick up from where you left off as if nothing had happened (women aren't really keen on that). If she sees that you're willing to start over and do things differently she may give you another chance.

 

[AlexTheGreat]

This may not be easy but if she's worth it (and still a little interested) it could be worth the effort. Start dating her again; from the very beginning. You'd be starting from a clean slate but without pretending to pick up from where you left off as if nothing had happened (women aren't really keen on that). If she sees that you're willing to start over and do things differently she may give you another chance.

Thanks Franco! We've been going out for about 5 months now, and even yesterday we were going along GREAT! So do you think she could really have lost all interest with just this event? It's not like I cheated on her or anything, so I don't know if it's actually that bad ... we'll see when I talk to her. But I do appreciate your reply, I'll seriously take it in consideration!

 

[AlexTheGreat]

And here comes the much needed update: My girl called me today, and we talked for a bit. The subject of yesterday's argument didn't even pop up, so that's all good. She seems to be calm now, so I think that although it was a bump in the road, there were no blowouts this time. Lesson learned though: no more playing games.

Thanks to all who answered! Your opinions were very welcome!

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

And here comes the much needed update: My girl called me today, and we talked for a bit. The subject of yesterday's argument didn't even pop up, so that's all good. She seems to be calm now, so I think that although it was a bump in the road, there were no blowouts this time. Lesson learned though: no more playing games.

Thanks to all who answered! Your opinions were very welcome!

Good to hear that things seem back to normal. Just be careful not to get her to the point of bringing up the past. Use what happened as a learning experience.