My Story

[Darth]

INFATUATION

Before I start, I want to say that this is a great website and I’ve learned so much from the great articles here. I wish I had found it sooner. What follows is an abridged version of my obsession with a girl last year, and how I dealt with it. Sorry for the length, but this is my story…

I was a freshman at the time. She was a senior, and my gosh was she pretty. Classic beauty, and completely contrasted with anything I’d ever seen come in or out of that school. She went to my church, too. I was entranced for years, but I never did anything for a few reasons. For one, I wasn’t in high school, two, I had an extreme lack of self-confidence- especially pretty girls, which paralyzed me, and three- I didn’t even try because it seemed so unreachable.

Then, I got to high school. I’m a freshman, but every single person I’ve ever run into mistakes me for a senior- I look physically older- and I know that I’m a good-looking guy. But anyway, I was in the same gym class with this girl for a semester. But throughout the year, I acted timid and nervous (as I was) and usually avoided talking to her, even when she complimented me or encouraged me. This went on until 3 or 4 days before the semester ended, and I don’t know what it was (maybe the position she was lying down in triggered it), but something snapped at that moment and I became completely obsessed, or infatuated. I prayed to God that she would hug me or kiss me or at least show some type of affection for me before the end of the year (after which time I would never see her again). And also my common sense told me it would never happen, something inside me knew that I could. So I started smiling and making eye contact with this girl. And really nice things started happening. She walked past my lunch table for the first time that year, “subtly” checking me out. I caught her looking at me for no particular reason (she quickly glanced away when I looked back at her). And every time I passed her (even after the end of the semester), she smiled at me.

A couple other important points: this girl had a boyfriend (an absolute moron, but I got some insight into this just recently after reading the “bad boy” articles), and I play the piano very well- I’ve done it since 5 years old. Also, this girl is very popular- but such an angel.

But I was inexperienced. The PERFECT, IDEAL opportunity arose to actually start something- actually, she tried to initiate it, but I didn’t perpetuate it. We were standing around together in an EMPTY parking lot waiting for the janitor to get his car keys so that he could drive both of us to another school to regroup before driving to a music festival. She sings. But a more perfect opportunity never came up, and I blew it. She said hi and asked how I was. And I mumbled something and didn’t continue the conversation. She said she would sit in the cramped back seat of the car, and I let her. I planned to open the door for her on the way in- and I wound up going first, further demonstrating my incompetence. And we weren’t sure where the room was, so SHE goes up to the front desk and asks, while I hang back. Talk about passive. Then, I see her dad in the hallway as we walk by. I hang my head, embarrassed, and don’t make eye contact or say anything.

And then we were split up for the rest of the day, after that complete mess. But I did something good at the end- I made a point to seek her out after her dance and I told her that she did a great job. She thanked me, and this time it seemed as though she was the one slightly embarrassed. But I gathered up a lot of courage to do that- I had stalled for many moments before that one, but knew that I would regret it for a long time afterwards if I didn’t just do it. So I just did it. Afterwards, I sat down and realized I was shaking and that my face was red. Yes, it was that bad and she was that pretty. All for something so insignificant. But this was completely new ground for me. I had never done anything remotely close to that because I suffered from the bigger problem of a completely unfounded lack of self-confidence in myself.

Then came the rehearsals for the school play, which she starred in. These rehearsals and these shows were the best time for some kind of contact with this girl. Here’s the first day, from my journal (names changed to protect identity)…


“Well, the first play rehearsal was yesterday. I saw Laura on stage. She made eye contact and smiled every once in a while (usually when she made a mistake). During break, though, I went outside and found that a group was going back in, and among them was Laura. She said, “Hi Dave. How are you?” I said, “Good. How are you?” Almost too friendly; my voice did something weird on the word “how.” Then she said that she wanted to tell me I was doing an excellent job on the piano. Then she was walking inside with the others. I said, “And you did a great job singing.” But I don’t know if she heard. She never gives me a chance to talk to her; I can’t stand it! But out of everybody, it was her that said hi to me and complimented me. Also at the end of rehearsal, she saw me talking to Rebecca about something. I was very laid back and relaxed that day, which was good. Laura said that she just wanted to tell us (the pit) that we were doing a great job, and that she was sorry about the songs; it wasn’t our fault because the music was great. She’s a sweet girl.”


Then came the next rehearsal. Again, the story is best told through an excerpt from my journal…


“I’m in total ecstasy about what happened last night. It happened as follows:

Laura did not show up to practice the pieces before the rehearsal. She was in the group that was doing the warm-up (as was everybody), and I heard her voice say, “Thank you, Dave,” after the warm-up was done. But she did not come during intermission. And I was very downcast by the end of the rehearsal. I started praying fervently to God to cause something to happen between us, but it looked hopeless. Even after the rehearsal ended (very late in the day), Laura was walking but did not stop to talk to me or anyone else in the pit. Then, after almost everyone had left, I found out that Laura was going to practice some songs with the guitarist and me. No Ben Connors on drums! I was very happy. And Laura said something about the fact that we could go home if we were tired or if we were sick of it. I said that it wasn’t a problem at all. I tried to make eye contact, but I wasn’t smiling a lot, probably because I was tired and somewhat depressed.

So we started the song, and then stopped because of a misunderstanding. Laura said, “I’m really, really sorry for messing this up, guys,” or something like that. But I stopped her, saying that I was sorry for messing her up, and that it was my fault. To which Laura called me “sweetheart” and protested that it wasn’t my fault. I think she said, “David, sweetheart, it’s not you,” or just “Sweetheart, it’s not you.” But I do know that she actually called me “sweetheart” (and not at all in a sarcastic way), and that it was directed solely at me.

I didn’t quite know what to say with that. Unfortunately, I think I said, “I don’t know about that,” or something of that nature. But I was very much surprised with her choice of words there. It’s the first really solid sign I have that she likes me and that she’s treating me differently than everybody else. She doesn’t go around calling everyone “sweetheart”, that’s for certain.

Anyway, we kept rehearsing for a long time. Claire, her sister, was watching, and Ben and Ms. Smith were off to the side somewhere, but that was about it. Claire asked for the time, and I told her 10:12. As time went on, I began to wonder whether it was possible that Laura was purposely messing up so as to be able to rehearse longer. I was slightly more nervous than I should have been. When she got something wrong, she would stop and say that she was sorry. I kept telling her, “Don’t be sorry,” gently. A specific problem was the start of the piece. She didn’t know where to come in. So I counted off for her, and she didn’t come in. She laughed and asked on which number she should come in on. I smiled and told her “3”. I sang the first few words with her as she started. I also gave her some lyrics when she forgot. At one point, she came close to me to see something in the music. Even though the guitar player’s book was closer. She was right next to me, that pretty girl.”


OK- she called me sweetheart after all the things I had done wrong. But I really wanted to come out and say that I liked her. Which was impossible at the time, especially considering my personality, previous experiences, and general shyness. There were three performances of this show- Friday night, Saturday afternoon, and Saturday night. So I tried to find her to talk to her one-on-one after the one on Friday, but not as hard as I could have. And I was miserable afterwards, especially since she was showing interest in the guitar player from another school (again, despite her boyfriend). Apparently the drummer had told her that the guitar player was interested, so I witnessed their little bit of flirting in disgust. I saw her take off her jacket in the distance, and then walk up to this moron to ask him to put it on for her. And this made me realize that if he could walk in not knowing her at all and do that with her acceptance, then it sure as heck was possible for me. I had a bad night’s sleep that night, thinking of all the things I could tell this girl.

 

[Darth]

Here was the gameplan:


“Hello, Laura! How are you? (good). Probably pretty tired out from the show.


Oh, well, that’s my job! (smile). I think that if there’s anyone who’s been doing a good job, it’s you, Laura. (look in eyes). You’ve been doing a beautiful job.

(thank you) Well thank you, Laura! You’ve been doing a beautiful job.

I think that if anyone needs encouragement (complimenting, to be thanked), it’s you, Laura. You did a beautiful job. Smile when giving compliment, look into her eyes. (Thanks, Dave). Speak clearly and comfortably, casually. I’m really gonna miss you next year (said lightly but seriously. Gently towards her. Thoughtful shallow peak on the word “miss”). Smile and make eye contact. Response. Where are you going next year? Wait for response, smiling and make eye contact. That sounds great. Good luck!”


Then, the Saturday matinee came and went. Still didn’t talk to her. And what kills me is that after the show, I was walking down the steps out of the theater, and I stopped for a little bit, looking around (for the girl). And I saw her. She was going back up the steps, but she had turned around in my direction. I looked at her and she smiled. But I didn’t SAY anything. I chickened out. And then, she kept walking.

I was kicking myself on the way home. I was furious with myself. Here was the new gameplan for Saturday night, which I wrote in my angry state:


“Laura, I just wanted to tell you something. I’ve been a complete idiot for not talking to you before, but I wanted to let you know that you’ve done a beautiful job. Everything you do is beautiful. And I just wanted to let you know that I admire you very much and I’m really gonna miss you next year. Thank you for everything you’ve done.”


And in a burst of desperation and boldness completely unlike me (but I was infatuated), I went up to her after the Saturday night show…


“I was clenching my fists in anger at myself, in the car on the way home. I was so upset at what I had done. When I got home, I wrote the dialogue in the previous entry, with intentions to say it to her at the last show. I also had sharp gas pains when I got home. But when I finally left for the last show, I kept telling myself just do it, do it, do it. Don’t make excuses for yourself; find her at the first opportunity.

I did see her before the play started, but I didn’t go up to talk with her (there were a few other people around). Once again, I was very upset at myself. Then, everybody sat on stage while Ms. Smith gave out gifts to various people. I got some “smooth cream” because I made all the music run so smoothly. I heard Laura say, “Yeah, Dave,” or something like that. How could she do that after I had been so rude, I wondered. I just watched her from the back, with her dark wavy hair hanging down. She was so pretty. And I was such an idiot for not talking to her when I had the chance.

I looked for her all over the place during intermission. She was nowhere to be found. Then, I began to get very worried. Why? Because I didn’t know when my father was coming to pick me up. If my father was going to be following me around, or walking around with me after the show ended, there was no way I could say what I wanted to her. And I had decided that I just was going to find her and talk to her; there was no way that I wasn’t going to do that, because I would be kicking myself for weeks. I had to act and make up for what I had failed to do.

So the show ended. Thanks were given out (including a mention of my name, briefly), and then the pit band played exit music as everyone left. As soon as we finished, I made a beeline for the door. I went outside, into the crowd of people standing around (the actors and the audience), and I saw Laura on the outside of the crowd, to the side. I pushed my way through the crowd and walked up to her without hesitation. She was looking away at first (maybe considering what she was going to do) but I think either I said, “Hello, Laura,” or she just turned around to look at me. Either way, Laura was very, very happy to see me. Probably happy that I had taken the time and effort to find her specifically. Her sister Claire was nearby, next to Laura, and she was smiling through this whole exchange.

She stepped towards me and opened her arms. She wanted to hug me! So I stepped up to her, put my arms around her, and squeezed her for about two seconds. I leaned my head down a little bit, and I felt her hair on my cheek. My head was over her left shoulder. And my hands were in her dark hair, and I’ll never forget that feeling. She was in my arms, I touched her hair, I felt it on my cheek. And she’s a senior, and I’m a freshman. Then I stepped back. Her eyes glittered, and she was smiling at me. I’ll never forget that feeling when that beautiful girl was willingly in my arms. Ever.

Then I spoke up, only it didn’t come out exactly how I had planned it. You see, once again, something unexpected happened and it threw me for a loop. I’m really bad at saying things “off the cuff”, or making things sound smart without practice. I said, “I feel like an idiot.” She smiled and asked, “Why?” Then I mumbled something about not having talked to her sooner. I can’t remember if she actually heard this or not. But I told her something like, “I just wanted to tell you you did a beautiful job.” She was smiling. She said something like, “You did a good job too. Oh, by the way, I’m sorry about my song,” referring to a song that she had forgotten the lyrics for at one point in the play. I said something stupid like, “I think I messed up just as much as you did,” which we both knew wasn’t true. What I should have said was, “Don’t be sorry. We all messed up at one time or another. I missed all kinds of cues, got lost, came in late…” But in response to “I think I messed up just as much as you did,” she whispered, “I forgot my lines. What did you forget? You didn’t forget anything.” I mumbled something about being lost in the music. The things I said weren’t that great, but they got a point across. Also, once again, now that something good had happened, I didn’t want to botch it, and one part of me wanted the conversation to end.

In short, I didn’t say, “I’m really going to miss you next year.” But I can say that at the concert or during a rehearsal with her for the concert. This wasn’t the very last time I’ll see her. I’ll also feel more comfortable saying that, knowing that Laura obviously likes me. At first it was ambiguous signs, like her looking at me when I pass, or turning around when she hears my name. It was possible that I was exaggerating the significance of these, or fabricating them in my mind. But when she called me “sweetheart” and then hugged me a couple days later (expressing a desire to bring her lovely body close to mine, to put her arms around me) there is no longer any question in my mind.”

 

[Darth]

(I talked to her after this happened, but then I emailed her twice over the summer. When she didn’t respond, I got very upset. Finally, I sent a third email asking her to respond. And she did, saying in no uncertain terms that she wasn’t REALLY interested in me…


“Honestly, I was very surprised by your emails. Don't get me wrong, they were completely flattering and mature, but I had no idea that you felt that way towards me.”

She claims that she was clueless that I liked her that much prior to this.


“I'm sorry if my hugging you gave you the impression that I had feelings for you. You are a great musician and I admire that about you and I love that you can pick up on anything and everything musically and make is sound beautiful. It was really great to be able to work with you in Mamma Mia, you made things a lot easier for me. But I don't have feelings for you. I have a boyfriend of two years whom I care very much for. You are a great young man, Dave with such an amazing, successful, bright future ahead of you. Any girl would be thrilled to have such an intelligent and mature young man, such as yourself. Good luck in all that you do.”

That’s what she wrote. So now, I have the experience of rejection under my belt. But I wrote back once more time. And I probably said too much in all of those emails combined.


“The neat thing is, besides me, nobody in the whole world (including my parents) know as much about my experiences or feelings towards girls as does Laura. I kind of poured my heart out to her, and I know that she at least read the first three emails I sent. Therefore, in the privacy of her house, she read that:

1. “I admire you very much and that I’ve never met a lovelier, prettier girl in my life.”
2. “I can’t stop thinking about you.”
3. “You’re a wonderful girl”
4. “I’m going to miss you very much.”
5. “I like you very much.”
6. “I’ve never thought about anyone so much for so long in my life.”
7. “To me, that shows more than anything what a sweet girl you are.”
8. “…an angel like you…”
9. “Whether you respond or not means more to me than anything else.”

Looking back at that, I don’t know if she realizes what huge compliments those are coming from me in particular. I’ve never told my parents or siblings anything close to that, let alone a beautiful 18 year old girl (who’s legally an adult now). I almost can’t believe I did that.”


Believe me- I told her EVERYTHING, because I knew I’d probably never see her again and I wanted someone to know. I told her that I constantly looked for her in school, I told her that I’d dreamed about her more than once…I told her almost every personal detail and feeling that I had towards her. Which actually may have scared her.

But even AFTER this, she still wrote back:


“Hi Dave,
I'm glad that you were able to get your feelings off your chest. I'm sure that is helped. I know that you were not intending to be my boyfriend, I didn't mean to imply that. I only wanted to make sure that you understood where I was coming from. And no, i don't have any feelings for you, romantically or sexually (just to verify). Thank you again for your emails and for clearing up some things that were a bit confusing. I hope you have a nice summer.”


But just to sum this up, I did all the WRONG things- acted shy, timid, effeminate, needy, let her do everything for me, everything, I did it. And by merely showing up in front of her after the show, she hugged me. THAT’S why people say “just do it.” I did all the wrong things, and this pretty, popular girl three years old than me held me and called me sweetheart. This was the first time that I really realized what I could be capable of in the girl department if I did all the RIGHT things. I asked myself if I was the same person anymore- that’s how much what had happened had contradicted my image of myself. THAT’S how important it is to force yourself out of your comfort zone with girls that you like. Believe me, I’m about as oblivious and inexperienced with girls as a human being can get- and I got this for a result?

I would love to hear your comments on this, guys- I’m still trying to analyze exactly what happened. If you need more information, then I could post some more out of my journal. Thanks for your help, and remember, all you geeks and nerds out there- if this happened to ME of all people, with no prompting on my part, then it can happen to you.

Thanks,

Darth

 

[Morphiex]

Hmmm First of all hell of a looong post.... :woo:

Well from what I understood, u just had a major Puppylove crush and let your fear overcome you , Even though SHe didnt like you in the same way , u still made the mistake of holding back for a loooooong time , but hey everyone has a "laura" in theyr lives , i remember mine she was the same age as me , and i didnt promt anything thowards her she started flirting with me , but didnt make a move till it was too late. I wont say i dont regret it,cuz i do , i just take what ive learned from it and move on ....

As i said before almost everyone has a Laura in theyr life , they might not be three years older or sumthing but only a woman u thought liked you and u had a crush on... But what have u leanred from this experiance is what you should be thinking of, u cant change what happened but u can make the experiance help u in the future....

The first thing is not taking hugs and nicknames as signs that she is really into you , some girls like hugging people they like and most girls give guys nicknames ur was sweatheart , wich u should be thankful for =P

second the scripted conversations , they dont work out in 90 % of the time , u should just talk the way u feel at that moment , a scripted conversation is a booring conversation.....

third and most important imo , is that u waited waaaaay to long to make your move , a girl cant be interested in the same guy for over a year and still wait for the guy to make a move , she might have been interested in u before but who knows , maby ur just making big things out of small stuff .....

fear is not sumthing u can escape u can only overcome it

but ur still a freshmen , ur life of love has just started , m recomandation read the bible TWICE and ul be a huge playa , u Dont have to sleep with alot women but u can get the ones u really want....

a life without love is A life not worthy of living

 

[Darth]

Thank you for your comments, Morphiex. Yes, I apologize; it was a very long post. Thanks for reading ithttp://www.sosuave.net/forum/images/icons/icon7.gif
Smile

1. I know exactly where you're coming from when you say that girls are a lot more casual with the names, "sweetheart" business, and physical contact like hugging. I didn't realize this at the time, and my all-too-eager person processed this as "She likes me a lot," which wasn't the case. That's something I REALLY didn't get at the time.

2. Again, I thought this was the best solution at the time, as I'm always quite shy and tend to stumble over my words. Now, I know that it's better to talk based on how you feel at that time.

3. That's very true- but I didn't even think highly enough of myself to even consider that I might have a chance doing something with her. Even what I did was a BIG stretch for me at the time- I still don't know exactly how I did some of the things I did at that time (during rehearsals for the school concert, one of the last times I ever saw her, I told her how much I would miss her in front of some other people, embarrassing both of us. May have made her turn a bit red). But yeah, I really blew it in that regard.

One kind of sad point about this whole thing is that I've convinced myself that I'm over this, but if I were to see her again, even for a split-second, I'd be thinking about it, dreaming about it, you name it. I'm way too emotionally grounded in her. I read something indicating that certain girl traits are programmed in guy's minds from the beginning (brunette/blonde, long/short hair, curly/wavy/straight), so that may have something to do with it. I'd love to hear more about this point. It could be the dark curly hair thing. But she had a beautiful face and body to go with it, a wonderful voice... ah.

Another sad thing is that I'm not particularly attracted to her sister (who's in two of my classes), unless she smiles or I see her in profile, or I make eye contact. When any of those things happen, she looks just like her sister and I'm a goner. Which isn't what I want to be- then it's her call and not mine.

But one good thing- I had an opportunity to try out everything I had learned last summer at a 4-day piano camp. There were quite a few pretty girls, and I got very friendly with more than one of them. I was also the "outsider" and nobody knew me, so I could act however I wanted and no one would be any the wiser. I tried eye contact and smiling, and the results were incredible. In fact, I tried that out on a girl in school last year (just smiling and saying hi) and I wound up with a rose and a card on Valentine's Day. This came as a complete shock and it was when I really began to think differently of myself. I'm by NO means very adept at this "flirting" game, but this whole deal very much accelerated my learning process and put me in a much better position. Now, I have a rejection under my belt!