My situation ( kinda long) please read.

[Blurred Elevens]

My story:

Met this girl about 4 years ago. Shortly after meeting her, (a few days after) I had a one-night stand with her. I often thought about her, but I never saw her again until about a year ago. We've become pretty good friends, but she's had this boyfriend. There has always been alot of kino between the 2 of us, and we recently went on a LONG roadtrip to California. While we were out there, she called her boyfriend and asked him to move out. She's been wanting to break up with him for about 6 months.
We got very intimant during the trip, but we never had sex, because she wanted to take care of the whole boyfriend thing first. We drove from Cali to Vegas, and during our stay in the hotel the first night there, I really pushed the sex thing. She finally said, If we have sex, "I'll have to never see you again because I'll feel like ****." (because of the boyfriend thing.) I decided to go take a cold shower, when I could have had sex with her, simply because I really like this girl and want a LTR with her.

Unfortunately, the next night, we had a minor tiff, I played poker til 9 in the morning the next day,and she drove home back to Colorado. She was supposed to be in Vegas with me for 3 more nights. Please don't confuse me for an AFC, I hooked up with another girl in Vegas the next night, and I pimped around Vegas and had a BLAST for another 2 days. My point is, I still want to be with this girl. It's fvcking tearing me up on the inside. The loss of the friendship part of it almost kills me in itself.


I called her once (left her a voicemail)when I got back on Friday, and let it sit (no callback)until I woke up today, Monday. I could'nt bear it anymore, and I called her this morning with a *67. (blocks caller ID) and she answered her phone. She said she could'nt talk being that she was on her way to work, but that she would call me tonight. I gave her the ultimatum that if she did'nt call me back tonight, to never call me again, because then it would be over. She got pissed about the ultimatum, and then I let her know how I was concerned for her well-being, (the break-up with her boyfriend has been NASTY) and it wasn't fair to leave me hanging. I think that went straight to her heart, and her tone of voice changed with some sincerity that makes me think she'll call.


If you've slogged through this monsterous post all the way to here, I would like to see what this whole thing looks like to an outsider. I've talked about having kids and **** with this girl, so it's more than just a fling. I'm 29 years old, and have had my fair share of girls, and settling down with this girl would make me happy. Is this severe oneitis? I don't get goo-goo about some chick I just met, EVER. This is different, we have time together, based on a friendship. Please give me some insight fellas. Thanks alot.

 

[TheMinistered]

Do you really like her, or are you saying that because you want to have sex with her? A relationship based on sex only ends at some point, no longer than a year, speaking from self experiences.

The fact that you called her was very AFC, and the fact that you told her you were concerned was probably 98% bull****; the only thing you are concerned about is the *****.

 

[Blurred Elevens]

No, I like this girl. I've never been with a woman that I wanted to have my child, until her. Like I said, I could have had sex with her in the hotel room, but chose not to because I did'nt want to wreck our relationship. She's very smart, athletic, and special.
That is what makes me ache so badly, cuz I like her.

 

[D4H]

You've got one-itis. The fact she answers the phone when you blocked it should tell you something. If she was really into you she'd call back. It's time to NEXT.

 

[Blurred Elevens]

Thanks D4H. The only thing that kept me from seeing that so clearly is that she's the type to just be pissed enough to not talk to me, to piss me off. (I pissed her off in Vegas pretty good.) If no call tonight, def. NEXT.

 

[Big Pappy]

AFC, HB, NLP, all of it so much alphabet soup.

I don't really want to know, but what did you do to piss her off?
It's good that you're writing this stuff out, because I can sense the confusion about the way you feel from your post.

Never, ever issue an ultimatum unless you're prepared to see it through.

See, 4 years ago, you got lucky. Three years go by. You see her again. You two got along without each other for three years and the planets continued to revolve around the sun.

When you have a disagreement with someone you care for, poker until 9:00 am is not the solution. You resolve it, one way or another. Deferring a disagreement only makes it worse. I'm guessing that you missed her the morning that she left for this poker game.

She was probably more pissed about you playing poker, when you could have spent time with her resolving this "tiff".

Next you said that you hooked up with someone the following night instead of moping around.

Here's the silver lining. She may have left because she didn't want to go through the sex issue again until she loses the boyfriend. She showed some weakness of character by being there with you in the first place, but she gets it back by leaving early.

She would not have ignored your call unless her interest level in you seriously dropped or she was trying to get yours to rise. However, by using the caller id block, she knows that you know she was ducking you. I really don't understand the logic behind your thinking. If she's not answering, why would you call back using *67, unless she has a valid reason to avoid your call. How minor is this tiff? Again, she's more pissed about your poker night than the tiff. If you're thinking about getting serious, is this how you will handle minor tiffs in a marriage?

I hate telling guys to "next" somebody. But, maybe you should next yourself!

I don't mean this to be negative; I just want you to learn how to handle minor tiffs better. You made a decent effort when you called, (should have tried to call her the mornig she left on her cell) and she probably will call to let you know what happened. But, beware, you may end up as an emotional crutch - into friend zone.

Given the anxiety that I picked up, try to be her friend and forget about her booty.




Just my two cents. If I offend, I apologize, but that's what I think.

 

[Aramas]

Shyt Pappy, that was good advice! What's that doing in here?

 

[Blurred Elevens]

Big Pappy-I'm dumbfounded by your QUALITY post. You made me see some things that I would not have seen before. My reasoning behind the whole *67 is this girl has ALOT of respect for herself, and she would ignore my calls simply for self-respect and to piss me off. I feel like she is showing ME that she has respect for herself, and in turn respect for me.

I'm such a fvcking moron for not even thinking/considering the phone call that morning she left until now. Wow, I'm a fvcking d1ck for real. I was willing to see through the ultamatum until now, but I've seen what a jackass I've been. She drove 10 hours waiting for a call from me that never came I guess.

You also pointed out that I should have been working shiz out with her instead of playing poker.......you're absolutely correct...jebus.

This tiff was not anything major, just a minor (but serious) question of our trust for one another.

I'm now questioning my resolve of the whole call me tonight ultimatum, due to the **** outlined by you BP. Thanks dude, you know your shiz.

 

[Big Pappy]

Gentlemen,

I wish I could say that I know this stuff intuitively; most of it is the bittersweet pangs of experience.

But, thanks, all the same.

The thing to remember at all times is that no matter what happens, no matter how we get tangled up in our pride, prejudices (and we all do from time to time), there comes a time when we have to sincerely apologize when we're wrong. Sometimes, the apology is accepted and sometimes it takes a trite holiday saying, along with a sprig of mistletoe.

"Hey, baby, come on. It IS Christmas."


And sometimes, we just have to move on. Another trite saying:

" Pain is nothing but weakness leaving your body."

In other words, either way - you have learned, so the entire experience is not lost on you. The next young lady, if you do move on, will be all the happier with you for it.

Go get you some mistletoe!

 

[Blurred Elevens]

Ho never called.....she is NEXTED!!!

 

[Blurred Elevens]

What do you guys make of this?

She did'nt call me on 12-09, but she called me the next day on the 10th and left a voicemail telling me to call her. It's the 28th, and I still haven't called her.


What I'm curious about is that Christmas Eve, she sent me an e-card to my e-mail wishing me a Merry Christmas. I waited 2 days, and than I sent her a short e-mail thanking her for the card and telling her to call me.

What would you guys make of the card? Is it like an olive branch or something more? And I know, I haven't called in like almost 3 weeks, but I refuse to lose. What do you guys think?

 

[Aramas]

Ok BE, you asked for it

It seems to me that she perceives you as not meeting her requirements for a bf. She gave you lots of chances to prove yourself, but for whatever reason you blew it. I don't know the girl and there's not enough information on what was lacking, but from your general tone, language and attitude towards women I'd say that it's probably your general tone, language and attitude towards women

Seriously, I'd say that you're just not what she's looking for, but I'm sure there are plenty of chicks out there that would find something worthwhile in there somewhere.

You basically have 3 choices - move on, pretend to be what she wants, or become what she wants. Bullshyt might get you there, but it won't keep you there, and are you really willing to change for a chick? I'd take door number 1.

 

[ManOMan]

Blurred,

I only read your original post

all I can say is this..she was gettin past a n old b/f, and you steppped in, she was confused and trying out her different slut options, she thought by getting with you she could get rid of her feeelings for the other guy, then realized it didnt happen (dont blame yerself, just like men, women think if they hook up with other guys, it wil kill the pain)

then she left! no answers! no explanation!

it sucks to be in this love triangle situation, but thats what I see, she was getting over a guy and tryed using you as a buffer, then when she realized another guy wasnt the asnwer she just left

rebound girls are BAAAAD!!

 

[Eileen]

I know I'll get flamed for this one but if you want this girl in your life you're going to have to own up to your mistakes with her. She may or may not forgive you for, but the only way you stand a chance to be forgiven is to try.

Big Pappy is very perceptive and has identified a few places where you seriously buggered up. I'll add a bit of insight from a woman’s point of view.

She's probably thinking that your behavior and this entire fight have to do with her not wanting to have sex with you. Think about it, all the problems really started after she denied you. You didn't call nor did you act like it bothered you at all that she left. You might as well have told her "I don't care about you."

Not only that, you abandoned her at a time when she really needed a friend. Breaking up with boyfriend is hard on a girl. Even if it's what we know is best, it still hurts. It's a major life change when someone you've lived with, someone who's been a part of your life everyday goes away. Again, you might as well have told her "I don't care about you."

Now, she's left a message and you’re considering not calling back or at very least taking your time in doing so. What's the message you're sending to her? Say it with me "I don't care about you."

It's an easy concept. Women do not want to be in a relationship with a man who doesn't care about them. This is not some high school romance you’re talking about. You're talking about wanting a life with this woman. You're talking about wanting to marry and have children with this woman. Don't you think you should show her that you care about her first? Don't you think it's fair for her to want to be sure that you'll be willing to work at having a successful relationship before she commits herself to one? Do you think it's really unreasonable for her to not want to contact you? You did send her the message several times over that you don't really care about her.

Actions speak louder than words. Telling her once that you are concerned about her does nothing but add to the anger and confusion when your actions tell a different story. Learn that.

If you want to save this one, you're going to have to kiss some serious bum. You've lost ground in the trust department. That's hard to make up for. For you, it probably means things will get worse before they get better. You'll have to earn her trust back while not becoming a doormat. It won't be an easy task and it might be for not. She might, after all, decide that she still cannot trust you.

I think you've done a lot more damage on this one than you realize. I hope you’re able to put thing right.

 

[Big Pappy]

Ah, the woman's perspective. Ignorance is bliss! Because I sure feel stupid for not picking up on the sex refusal issue!

Thanks for the props, Eileen.

 

[Eileen]

Originally posted by Big Pappy
Thanks for the props, Eileen.

I do occasionally serve a purpose

 

[Zossima]

Originally posted by Blurred Elevens


If you've slogged through this monsterous post all the way to here, I would like to see what this whole thing looks like to an outsider. I've talked about having kids and **** with this girl, so it's more than just a fling. I'm 29 years old, and have had my fair share of girls, and settling down with this girl would make me happy. Is this severe oneitis? I don't get goo-goo about some chick I just met, EVER. This is different, we have time together, based on a friendship. Please give me some insight fellas. Thanks alot.

Well.............. I think you've put the cart before the horse here and she senses it. She hasn't even fully broken up with her BF and you're thinking marriage and how happy this girl will make you? Delusions.

To answer your question................ Yes! It is severe oneitis and you'd better get your head together and start thinking clearly.

 

[Blurred Elevens]

Originally posted by Eileen


She's probably thinking that your behavior and this entire fight have to do with her not wanting to have sex with you. Think about it, all the problems really started after she denied you. You didn't call nor did you act like it bothered you at all that she left. You might as well have told her "I don't care about you."

Not only that, you abandoned her at a time when she really needed a friend. Breaking up with boyfriend is hard on a girl. Even if it's what we know is best, it still hurts. It's a major life change when someone you've lived with, someone who's been a part of your life everyday goes away. Again, you might as well have told her "I don't care about you."

First of all Eileen, I want to thank you for the post, I believe it is the insight I need to get some perspective on this situation. You make some really strong points here, which I'm still pondering.

Now, she's left a message and you’re considering not calling back or at very least taking your time in doing so. What's the message you're sending to her? Say it with me "I don't care about you."

It's an easy concept. Women do not want to be in a relationship with a man who doesn't care about them. This is not some high school romance you’re talking about. You're talking about wanting a life with this woman. You're talking about wanting to marry and have children with this woman. Don't you think you should show her that you care about her first? Don't you think it's fair for her to want to be sure that you'll be willing to work at having a successful relationship before she commits herself to one? Do you think it's really unreasonable for her to not want to contact you? You did send her the message several times over that you don't really care about her.

Interesting points here. This is what makes **** so difficult..It's like she might think I either came on too strong, OR I let her down by telling her "I don't really care about her" like you say.
This might be some "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus" type ****. I think I will e-mail her my thoughts on EVERYTHING that happened, simply because at least I can put it all out there in the open, and at least I've spoken my mind, even if a few here think thats AFC. At least that way, if communication was scrambled, at least we can get back on the right track, and if she doesn't respond to that, I'll know she's just not interested. (which I find hard to find)

I think you've done a lot more damage on this one than you realize. I hope you’re able to put thing right.

I'm going to tell her my perceptions on everything, and if she doesn't respond, at least I can live with myself. On the other hand, I'd rather see her side of the story to see my own delusions, and move on from there.

Thank you Eileen, you may have saved something that's very special.

 

[Blurred Elevens]

So I e-mailed her on 12-30 about how I feel about everything, and how I could'nt figure out whether I could trust her or not. I also explained that I was tired of the game-playing. I haven't heard back from her.

I personally don't understand why she would send me a card for Christmas, and than not respond to my e-mails. This girl might be even more psycho than I first thought....I mean WTF? Why send me that if you don't want to talk to me? My biggest thing about this girl is that I don't understand what is really going on.

I could live with knowing she did'nt like me, or she's just psycho, or she met someone else she likes more, or she got back with her b-friend, or she turned lesbo....but, not knowing the reasoning behind all of this is what's killing me. Maybe that's the game right there...she may just be being vindictive, who knows.

Not only is she Jewish, she's Austrailian...both pretty foreign to me, I wonder if that plays into account for anything. Your insight would be appreciated, thanks.

 

[NewMan]

*************

So I e-mailed her on 12-30 about how I feel about everything, and how I could'nt figure out whether I could trust her or not. I also explained that I was tired of the game-playing. I haven't heard back from her.

I personally don't understand why she would send me a card for Christmas, and than not respond to my e-mails. This girl might be even more psycho than I first thought....I mean WTF? Why send me that if you don't want to talk to me? My biggest thing about this girl is that I don't understand what is really going on.

I could live with knowing she did'nt like me, or she's just psycho, or she met someone else she likes more, or she got back with her b-friend, or she turned lesbo....but, not knowing the reasoning behind all of this is what's killing me. Maybe that's the game right there...she may just be being vindictive, who knows.

***************

Ok this is my observation having just read this whole post.

Let me just recap:

1) You forced the sex issue - and had to have a cold shower (which by the way is just crazy - because she probably felt even worse)
2) Next night you argued and played poker until 9am leaving her alone
3) she left
4) you didn't call her to see if she was OK until 3 days later.
5) you called her *67 after leaving a message and her not calling back
6) you gave her an ultimatum
7) when she extends an olive branch you go crazy on her and send her an email about your feelings and game playing etc...


So - you wonder why she has not sent you an email back?

Why ask her if you can trust her when your not even dating/seeing/fvcking her?

Dude - it seems to me you've gone AFC over this chick - AFTER 4 YEARS of not seeing her.

Your already talking about kids?

Clearly your in way to deep and you've lost it a little.

The last thing you should have done is to email her talking about trust and the very thing you argues about in Vegas.

If anything, you should have emailed her telling her that you wish her a great Xmas and New year - and that you can't wait to hear about what she's got upto over Xmas etc.

She just moving out of a relationship with her ex, and she's already feeling presure from you - that sprobably the last thing she wants to feel right now.

I think you fvcked this up well and good.

Quit while your ahead, and learn for the next time.