astonmartinone77
Don Juan
- Joined
- Apr 3, 2013
- Messages
- 39
- Reaction score
- 0
Okay, so I actually originally posted these messages in the “No Contact Rule” thread and realized I was focusing WAY too much on me when I posted and didn’t really try to listen to anyone else, on top of posting way too many details as I thought of them, as you can see below. If nothing else, I just hoped to get all my thoughts about what I’ve been going through out there and maybe see if anyone would like to offer their opinions on my situation.
THANKS A MILLION, GUYS here, is the behemoth post:
Hey guys, first time user/poster here and I just stumbled upon this thread through google and couldn't believe how useful it sounded and how likely it seemed to work. Except for one thing...
But I suppose I should give a bit of my story first so you guys can get an idea of what I suppose I need advice with. Brace yourselves, it's a long explanation for a sort of short story, but hey, even if you don't help, I'd like to be able to get all my thoughts out and vent at least.
So we were dating for about two months. I know, it sounds so short or whatever, but we started talking a couple of months prior to that and well, I just felt so great about being with her. We had so many similar values, got along great, never fought or argued.... but then, LITERALLY overnight, things got awkward, we couldn't feel comfortable talking with each other, we just couldn't think of things to say, etc. etc.... along with that she had just started her year of varsity soccer for our high school and had been dealing with a big load of school work. So exactly ten days later (Yes, I counted), we mutually decided we didn't have time for a relationship right now.
And so I went home after school and just texted her to sort of clear things up about the terms of our breakup because we both sort of discussed the idea of eventually getting back together, she said "if things change, they change, but for now I need to be broken up." and that went very well, it ended on a positive note. The day after, her birthday, I texted her telling her I probably shouldn't sit at the lunch table with her anymore and she said "Whatever floats your boat. I think you have a good point." and then after that, I texted her a happy birthday text and she said "thanks!" and that's how it stayed until three days later....
I was under the impression that we would stop talking but not stop acknowledging each other's presence in the hallways and such altogether! So I naturally caved and texted her that I felt it would be a good idea to maybe still talk, albeit much less. and she responded that "we can still be friends but I kinda put that 'restriction' in there for a reason. Between soccer and school right now I don't really have time to talk to anybody." And I said I just "wanted to clarify things before we make permanent problems" and to that she said "there aren't problems unless you make them problems" And I'd like you guys to know that she has continued to talk and hang out with her friends, something I assume would not take less time than doing the same thing with a boyfriend.
And it sat like that before I finally entirely caved and texted the following message, I feel, might make things much harder for the No Contact Rule to fully work:
"In honesty, I've been confused with how to deal with this and what to do about it lately. I've never had so much trouble figuring something like this out before. I don't want to lose a friend because of a forced distancing, but I also don't want to force myself back into a relationship with someone who very very much needs space and time to herself. The way we changed so suddenly and drastically was rather confusing. I want to be honest with you and I want to make sure I'm doing the right thing. Sorry for the painfully long text"
And guess what, she hasn't responded.
It's been exactly 16 days since I sent that. And tomorrow will mark exactly three weeks since we broke up.
And what has happened since has been, well, I'd like to call it almost a cold war. Apart from a comic strip picture about cats I sent her on Facebook (she has a cat) two days after THAT, we have not talked since. All we have done is walk past each other in the hallways awkwardly, or at least that's how I perceive it.
So now that I have given you my rather unnecessarily long and detailed description of my situation and story, here is my big question:
Does anything in this situation change anything about the no contact rule and will it still work?
If possible, I'd like to be able to still ask her to Prom which is on May 16, but of course I'd need maybe at LEAST 2-3 weeks time before that to ask her 'lest some other guy does.
END POST 1
So after reading the entirety of the No Contact Rule, I realize that this is assuming you can initiate it yourself, and if you read my story, you will see that I've sort of started it without telling her and the last time I talked to her wasn't exactly on a strong note. And I'm sort of afraid I will lose all of my progress of the last two weeks if I just start over now PROPERLY. Because I fear the results won't be as good with the way we stopped talking. Because after two weeks of not talking, I can't exactly get up and text her "hey i think we should stop talking" haha
The reason I hope to maybe alter the rules here a little bit is because I don't HAVE two months to not talk, I sort of would like to be able to talk to her about Prom as soon as possible, but of course, if that doesn't work, it doesn't work. But keep in mind we are Seniors, so there is no "next year" to go to Prom. And of course I don't want to go back to dating her after Prom, what good would that do? Three months after that we would be going to college anyway and I have no intention of keeping a relationship from HS into college. I simply want to be able to get over her and make her KNOW I'm over her and be able to go with her to prom truly as just a friend. And she would never agree to such a thing if she believed I was still some clingy ex-boyfriend.
I'd also just like to reinforce something that I feel was understated earlier. We are in no way on bad terms or just sort of disrespecting each other, we still smile/wave at each other in the hallway if we see each other. We simply have not TALKED since.
I know I may seem like I'm just trying to justify everything that's happened, well, I suppose I might be, but I'd like to get you to understand why I personally don't believe that she has entirely moved on. She specifically told me that she had been very stressed with trying to figure out how to balance everything and I have reason to trust that because the entire week and a half before that, she hadn't been acting how she usually did. Her mind was obviously trying to work out many things at once. Is it that hard to believe that a girl needed time to herself? Yes, of course the reasons someone would get stressed or busy in high school seem unimportant, but at the time they are happening for us, right now, they are the most difficult and stressful times we have yet experienced in our lives.
END POST 2
I think about it too much. I’ve now realized that every single time I am upset/sad/miss her, is because I start to doubt the system because of the specific parts I had to modify about it such as the timeframe of no contact, unfortunately. I suppose that I’m afraid she HAS moved on without me and has no intention of getting back with me. But if you go back and read my story, I hope you find that as unlikely as I do.
For example, today, day 16 of not having any contact, but only day 2 since I officially read up on the no contact rule and decided to implement it, nothing at all bad happened to me. I didn’t see her at all, I didn’t see her talking to a guy, didn’t see her having fun or being happy... I just saw a tweet she made about how she misses her two best friends in school today who both happened to be on a field trip or something. I realized I forgot to unfollow her on twitter and Instagram when I saw this, so I did that. But another interesting note to make is that she hardly ever tweeted before when we were together, maybe she sent four tweets, and now in just the last ten days she has sent ten. I don’t know, take that how you may. But anyways, getting all back to the point i was trying to make a few sentences ago, literally nothing bad happened to me, in fact, you could count that realization i made with twitter as a good thing, and yet, I started overthinking things once I got home and now feel rather like crap.
So even though I have very little that should convince me that she has moved on, I keep trying to tell myself she has and that the no contact rule is useless at this point...
I just need to keep going with this though, the way my brain is, I spend about 80% of my time moping and trying to figure out how I should go about getting over her an then the other 20% of the time, I feel I have made some revelation about some way that WILL work this time to get over her. And for the next few hours, sometimes maybe if I’m lucky, a day, I am happy and I enjoy what I’m doing without thinking of her much at all.
But, as I said, those moments don’t come too often. It’s just this internal struggle I keep having with myself regarding if this is the right/best thing I should be doing right now.
“maybe she has already moved on”
“maybe she will forget about me if I do this”
“we might not get in contact before Prom, and I will have no one to go with”
and on and on and on......
I am, however, still VERY hopeful that this method will work. As much as I say I miss her, I know in my mind that I really would like to move on from her and find someone else, better myself physically, have fun, etc. etc. etc...
It’s a struggle every day, but I hope that with the help of this forum, you guys, and a couple of friends I trust, I feel that I can get through this!
END POST 3
THANKS A MILLION, GUYS here, is the behemoth post:
Hey guys, first time user/poster here and I just stumbled upon this thread through google and couldn't believe how useful it sounded and how likely it seemed to work. Except for one thing...
But I suppose I should give a bit of my story first so you guys can get an idea of what I suppose I need advice with. Brace yourselves, it's a long explanation for a sort of short story, but hey, even if you don't help, I'd like to be able to get all my thoughts out and vent at least.
So we were dating for about two months. I know, it sounds so short or whatever, but we started talking a couple of months prior to that and well, I just felt so great about being with her. We had so many similar values, got along great, never fought or argued.... but then, LITERALLY overnight, things got awkward, we couldn't feel comfortable talking with each other, we just couldn't think of things to say, etc. etc.... along with that she had just started her year of varsity soccer for our high school and had been dealing with a big load of school work. So exactly ten days later (Yes, I counted), we mutually decided we didn't have time for a relationship right now.
And so I went home after school and just texted her to sort of clear things up about the terms of our breakup because we both sort of discussed the idea of eventually getting back together, she said "if things change, they change, but for now I need to be broken up." and that went very well, it ended on a positive note. The day after, her birthday, I texted her telling her I probably shouldn't sit at the lunch table with her anymore and she said "Whatever floats your boat. I think you have a good point." and then after that, I texted her a happy birthday text and she said "thanks!" and that's how it stayed until three days later....
I was under the impression that we would stop talking but not stop acknowledging each other's presence in the hallways and such altogether! So I naturally caved and texted her that I felt it would be a good idea to maybe still talk, albeit much less. and she responded that "we can still be friends but I kinda put that 'restriction' in there for a reason. Between soccer and school right now I don't really have time to talk to anybody." And I said I just "wanted to clarify things before we make permanent problems" and to that she said "there aren't problems unless you make them problems" And I'd like you guys to know that she has continued to talk and hang out with her friends, something I assume would not take less time than doing the same thing with a boyfriend.
And it sat like that before I finally entirely caved and texted the following message, I feel, might make things much harder for the No Contact Rule to fully work:
"In honesty, I've been confused with how to deal with this and what to do about it lately. I've never had so much trouble figuring something like this out before. I don't want to lose a friend because of a forced distancing, but I also don't want to force myself back into a relationship with someone who very very much needs space and time to herself. The way we changed so suddenly and drastically was rather confusing. I want to be honest with you and I want to make sure I'm doing the right thing. Sorry for the painfully long text"
And guess what, she hasn't responded.
It's been exactly 16 days since I sent that. And tomorrow will mark exactly three weeks since we broke up.
And what has happened since has been, well, I'd like to call it almost a cold war. Apart from a comic strip picture about cats I sent her on Facebook (she has a cat) two days after THAT, we have not talked since. All we have done is walk past each other in the hallways awkwardly, or at least that's how I perceive it.
So now that I have given you my rather unnecessarily long and detailed description of my situation and story, here is my big question:
Does anything in this situation change anything about the no contact rule and will it still work?
If possible, I'd like to be able to still ask her to Prom which is on May 16, but of course I'd need maybe at LEAST 2-3 weeks time before that to ask her 'lest some other guy does.
END POST 1
So after reading the entirety of the No Contact Rule, I realize that this is assuming you can initiate it yourself, and if you read my story, you will see that I've sort of started it without telling her and the last time I talked to her wasn't exactly on a strong note. And I'm sort of afraid I will lose all of my progress of the last two weeks if I just start over now PROPERLY. Because I fear the results won't be as good with the way we stopped talking. Because after two weeks of not talking, I can't exactly get up and text her "hey i think we should stop talking" haha
The reason I hope to maybe alter the rules here a little bit is because I don't HAVE two months to not talk, I sort of would like to be able to talk to her about Prom as soon as possible, but of course, if that doesn't work, it doesn't work. But keep in mind we are Seniors, so there is no "next year" to go to Prom. And of course I don't want to go back to dating her after Prom, what good would that do? Three months after that we would be going to college anyway and I have no intention of keeping a relationship from HS into college. I simply want to be able to get over her and make her KNOW I'm over her and be able to go with her to prom truly as just a friend. And she would never agree to such a thing if she believed I was still some clingy ex-boyfriend.
I'd also just like to reinforce something that I feel was understated earlier. We are in no way on bad terms or just sort of disrespecting each other, we still smile/wave at each other in the hallway if we see each other. We simply have not TALKED since.
I know I may seem like I'm just trying to justify everything that's happened, well, I suppose I might be, but I'd like to get you to understand why I personally don't believe that she has entirely moved on. She specifically told me that she had been very stressed with trying to figure out how to balance everything and I have reason to trust that because the entire week and a half before that, she hadn't been acting how she usually did. Her mind was obviously trying to work out many things at once. Is it that hard to believe that a girl needed time to herself? Yes, of course the reasons someone would get stressed or busy in high school seem unimportant, but at the time they are happening for us, right now, they are the most difficult and stressful times we have yet experienced in our lives.
END POST 2
I think about it too much. I’ve now realized that every single time I am upset/sad/miss her, is because I start to doubt the system because of the specific parts I had to modify about it such as the timeframe of no contact, unfortunately. I suppose that I’m afraid she HAS moved on without me and has no intention of getting back with me. But if you go back and read my story, I hope you find that as unlikely as I do.
For example, today, day 16 of not having any contact, but only day 2 since I officially read up on the no contact rule and decided to implement it, nothing at all bad happened to me. I didn’t see her at all, I didn’t see her talking to a guy, didn’t see her having fun or being happy... I just saw a tweet she made about how she misses her two best friends in school today who both happened to be on a field trip or something. I realized I forgot to unfollow her on twitter and Instagram when I saw this, so I did that. But another interesting note to make is that she hardly ever tweeted before when we were together, maybe she sent four tweets, and now in just the last ten days she has sent ten. I don’t know, take that how you may. But anyways, getting all back to the point i was trying to make a few sentences ago, literally nothing bad happened to me, in fact, you could count that realization i made with twitter as a good thing, and yet, I started overthinking things once I got home and now feel rather like crap.
So even though I have very little that should convince me that she has moved on, I keep trying to tell myself she has and that the no contact rule is useless at this point...
I just need to keep going with this though, the way my brain is, I spend about 80% of my time moping and trying to figure out how I should go about getting over her an then the other 20% of the time, I feel I have made some revelation about some way that WILL work this time to get over her. And for the next few hours, sometimes maybe if I’m lucky, a day, I am happy and I enjoy what I’m doing without thinking of her much at all.
But, as I said, those moments don’t come too often. It’s just this internal struggle I keep having with myself regarding if this is the right/best thing I should be doing right now.
“maybe she has already moved on”
“maybe she will forget about me if I do this”
“we might not get in contact before Prom, and I will have no one to go with”
and on and on and on......
I am, however, still VERY hopeful that this method will work. As much as I say I miss her, I know in my mind that I really would like to move on from her and find someone else, better myself physically, have fun, etc. etc. etc...
It’s a struggle every day, but I hope that with the help of this forum, you guys, and a couple of friends I trust, I feel that I can get through this!
END POST 3
