My Quest to become The Sh1t (field report)

[Big Poppa]

Alright, I've noticed how if I write things down for myself, I can make better sense of things. And since I usually happen to be in those "**** happens" moments, I figure i can give you guys a few laughs as well!

A little bit about me.

I'm Mexican/Filipino. I wouldn't say I'm good looking, but I'm not ugly either (with the family I have, I would have been told I was ugly a long time ago). As for body build, I hit the gym all the time, three days a week at the least, five days a week at the most. I also have a pull up bar at home with seven different grips, so I'm fit enough.

Dressing style is simple/ Usually a colored or white or black V neck with some nice Black or CK brand jeans or a dress shirt and jeans. I know I know shoes are hella important, but I walk with a limp (temporary of course) and I don't think they're a big deal right now, so vans slip ons lol.

Anyways. Here we go.

 

[sageproduct]

Haha lots of minorities here it seems

 

[Big Poppa]

Today was alright I guess. I went to Barnes and Nobles just to chill and relax. There was a good sized crowd since it was around seven, so a lot of adults and old teenagers there.

I grabbed a starbucks and limped (lol) my way over to a set of tables. I swear, at first I didn't notice the girl was at the table I plopped down in. My focus was so into the book I was reading (I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell) that I didn't realize I had just intruded until a:

HB7: Um...Hi?

Me: Wha? Oh! *embarrassed look*

HB7: *laughs* Yeah...Do I know you?

Me: Ha, no. *pause and readies balls* To tell you the truth, this was just my really smooth way of hitting on you. *grin/eye roll*

HB7: *total silence*

Me: (**** **** **** ****!) *hold eye contact*

HB7: *starts laughing* Oh wow. I thought you were serious for a second!

Me: Hell no ha ha. I'm not like that.

HB7: Yeah, well I've met creepier.

Me: Oh so I'm creepy? *gives hurt look and touches chest*

HB7: No! I'm just saying.

Me: Guess I should sit somewhere else. *gets up*

Let's pause here. I was hoping she would be like, "Ohhhh! No! It's fine! We can just talk here!" which would then be followed by hot passionate sex in the starbucks bathroom. Alas:

HB7: Ha, yeah. Probably.

Me: *Disappointed (I think it showed) Yeah, well, sorry about that! *quick smile*

She turns back to her book. And I walk away.

Dammmit! Well, the plus side is that It's getting easier to talk to girls! Now if I could only start getting numbers

 

[Big Poppa]

Haha lots of minorities here it seems

Ha really? Yeah, well, all my cousins are freakin mac daddies but I seem to fell far from the tree. Maybe It's because I don't do the whole "ghetto badass" thing.

 

[sageproduct]

Haha damn that starbucks scene, I think you should have turned the tables on her and called her out on something when she kind of called you creepy. You'll probably want better advice than that though from someone other than me.

I have a question though, do you usually hang out with the Mexican crowd/go for mexican girls? Cuz I'm asian but i don't hang out with other asians and i honestly don't like asian girls in general.

 

[Big Poppa]

I LOVE latina girls! Unfortunately, I've only dated one, but she was a catch. Kinda.

I hang out with both. But actually, most of my friends are a mix of blacks, whites, and Asians. The only Mexicans I really chill with would be my familia. I'm invited to their kickbacks, but its usually as norteno thing so I stay away.

 

[Big Poppa]

Alright! Really pumped for this weekend cause I'm goin to Fresno with some of my friends. Halloween partying and such. They just called me up this morning.

Friend (We'll call him Big Boy): You packed?

Me: *****, for what?

Big Boy: Fresno, my spicy little *****. (we call each other this. Don't ask why.)

Me: Bull****. You serious? When?

Big Boy: Tomorrow. "Santiago" is talking to this girl that lives there. So he wants to go down and visit. She's got hot friends.

Me: Tempting...

Big Boy: Stop taking your damn Novedex!

Me: Dude It's helping!

A bunch of arguing about my work out supplement and then finally, the killer.

Big Boy: By the way, they're um...Pentecostal girls.

Me: What?

Big Boy: They're Christian. Pentecostal.

Me: Big Boy?

Big Boy: Yeah?

Me: **** you.

Big Boy: Dude! It'll be fun. I've heard them Christian girls are actually pretty crazy!

Me: Whatev.

We shoot the **** for about five minutes and then hang up. So yeah, Fresno for Friday and Saturday. Hopefully some wild parties and I'm definitely getting numbers!

Anyways, like right after the phone call. I get a txt from a girl named "Alyssa". I had recently seen her at the movies and we kind of reconnected. So she txt me out of the blue the same night. I had yet to respond. So she's txting again.

Alyssa: Hey hey

Me: Yo!

Alyssa: Lol

Alyssa: Who the hell says tht nymore?

Me: Me. And that's all that matters.

Alyssa: Watevr. Wats up?

Me: Getting ready for a road trip of sorts.

Alyssa: Really? Were 2!

Me: Top secret. Wat are you doing for halloween?

Alyssa: I dnt kno yet

Me: Awww, well. Maybe you can party with me later!

Alyssa: Ooooo, define party...

Me: Chuck E. Cheese

Alyssa: Lol!

I hopped in the shower after this and didn't text her back. I plan to txt her later tonight. So what do you guys think? I'm not sure what my game plan for the Pentecostal girls is, I've never hung out with them before.

And how'd I do with Alyssa?

 

[Big Poppa]

Well Fresno was gay. Like, total sausage fest up that sh1t. There was one girl, the girl that my friend was talking to, and the rest were a bunch of church boys. And as much as it would have been exciting for a priest, it wasn't really my thing.

But, after that was awesome!

It was Halloween night and I was hanging out with a buddy of mine. I'm 17 and he's 21 so when I offered up the opportunity to hit a party, it went something like this.

Me: Hey bro! Party tonight? You down?

Big Boy: ....

Me: Well?

He gives the most weirdest stare ever.

Big Boy: Fvck your high school ****. There's gonna be a keg and that's pretty much it. Fvck that.

Me: Well the hell are we supposed to do?

Big Boy: Have our own party.

Here's where I interject saying the party wouldn't be that bad. He wasn't convinced and then shoved a very promising fact in my face. My parents were in SC and my house was empty.

So we called his cousin Ryan over. My cousin Stephanie brought her friend Alicia, and then Ryan called about three girls over. I invited several of my friends who left the HS party that I wanted to go to to come to mine. They ended up bringing half of the original "gay ass" shindig people to my house.

Music was blasted and we had about seven different kind of alcohol and god knows how many Smirnoff Ice and Bud Light (hate budlight)

So the party was hella bumping, music was at a high time, people were chilling in the back and jumping randomly into my pool. There was a sea of drunk chicks dancing in my kitchen and backyard.

You know the best part of being the host of a party?

You don't have to open. People would just come up to me and thank me. I got claps on the back, high fives, hugs from gorgeous girls and a couple of "thank you" make out sessions with some hot drunk chicks.

But my best move so far there was going up to this cute girl. She was one of the few who weren't piss drunk or buzzed.

Me: Hey!

HB8: Heyy! Great party! Jake right?

Me: That's my name. Congratulations, you get a cookie.

Hey, it got a laugh.

Me: So, teach me how to dance!

HB8: You don't know how?

Me: *makes a sad face* I lead a lonely life, as you can see. *I motion towards the crowd of people*

HB8: Ha ha! So, regular dancing, or grinding?

Me: Both.

So she taught me some basic moves that I could use in a club when I wasn't grinding on anyone, and then we grinded face to face then basically dry humped each other after.

Unfortunately, I didn't get any because I got distracted by a vodka shot challenge. Being the idiot I am, I left her standing there so I could go drink. I guess it's a good thing to tell you now that I'm, according to my doctor and some close friends, a high functioning alcoholic. Whatever that means.

But all in all, it was a fun weekend!

On a side note, my friend got a good fukk right on my couch. There were pictures taken to his horror.

 

[sageproduct]

I'm not experienced at all, so don't just eat what I'm saying but I'm kind of getting the feeling you're being a little too "nice" with girls right now. You could pull some more C & F, which I think you did well with Alyssa when you responded "me. and that's all that matters." More stuff like that but just more humorous. Also, you seem to rip on yourself a tiny bit in your jokes (even if it's in a completely sarcastic way) and based on what I know you shouldn't do that I thiiiiiiiiink. Hopefully someone more knowledgeable will shed light.

 

[Big Poppa]

Thanks for commenting sage.

Yeah, I think I get the jist of what you are saying. My friend Matt, who I believe to be the biggest pimp on earth, is always telling me I need to be more of a d1ck.

I'll work on it. I'm naturally sarcastic maybe I just need to turn it up some more.