my past actions are coming back to haunt me

[Packers2010]

this is a very hard post for me to make. back when i was 5 i did things I'm not proud of. so much so that i have come to the conclusion that it is affecting my social life.

( I know it feels like lately all i have done is been negative through my posts. which is true. though i am have been working through a lot these past few weeks. my home life is so negative it's starting to wear me down. )

when i feel like someone is getting close to me ( a girl, i have a few friends but I'm never that close with them.. maybe one or 2 i am not mostly I'm not) i push them away. I PURPOSELY screw up the situation so they leave. what i mean by this is. i never show who i truly am. who i TRULY feel is someone who no one will like. someone who if i told someone they wouldn't like me. i know because i just noticed this with the girl i was texting. everything was going good, then i freak out and make them not like me any more.

you know that feeling you get when your been 100% honest with someone and your talking with them on that level. i feel as if I can't do that. I'm not sure if i have spoken about this before, though i feel it now more then ever.

you know the person you feel you are deep down in your soul. that spot where when the girl sees it she will see into you. my spot there is damaged and it can't be fixed

i wanted to open up to girls but i feel as if they ever find out they will freak and leave. so before that happiness i drive them away with my chodey behaviour.

this isn't an excuse for anything as for i have seen it and felt it before. i get WAY to needy and validation seeking. it hits this spot that will drive them away.

when i get asked " who i am" the 2 thoughts that come up into my head are " i don't know" or " rapist" ( I'm not going to tell you why, but it's a something i did when i was 5 and it's not cool. not cool at all!)

writing this is surly going to kill any reputation i have here, but i don't care. I need to sort this out. I need to feel someone diffident someone i can be proud off. I'm not talking about the person on the surface I'm talking about beep down in that spot.

can someone help me out here.. help me over come this?

 

[Packers2010]

look back at it now. it feels like i took advantage of the situation even though i may not have been knowing what i was doing.

i feel so ashamed of what i have done.. i don't know how i can fix this at all.

i really just want to be " normal" but i feel like i can't be. this stops me from being that

 

[SeymourCake]

Look into meditation. When you're in a meditative state, your mind is in the present moment and it does not dwell in the past nor does it dream of the future. This is the state of mind you want to be in.

 

[Packers2010]

Spit it out.

spit what out?

 

[Die Hard]

What you did at age 5.

I can only speak for myself but I can assure you I will not judge you for it.

As for being fvcked up inside and being ashamed to admit it... Fvck it! It will do you good to spit it out.

 

[Cremasta]

I can't believe I'm saying this, but, seriously go get some counselling.

You shouldn't even be remembering what you did when you were five, let alone feeling guilty and sick about it.
This is not normal, and as insightful as the people on this forum might be, they're not going to be able to fix 20 years of guilt with a few words.

 

[Naughty Ninja]

Packers wasn't sniffing his moms/aunties worn knickers in the laundry basket was he? Dude please tell us it's not something that bad...5? Who the hell remembers what they did when they were FIVE?? What are these chicks going to "find out" unless you either can't restrain yourself from telling them or some "adult" feels they have to tell these strange girls what you did at FIVE as some sort of punishment. Are you even aware of what "you" did at five? Or is someone telling you you did it?

 

[Packers2010]

Packers wasn't sniffing his moms/aunties worn knickers in the laundry basket was he? Dude please tell us it's not something that bad...5? Who the hell remembers what they did when they were FIVE?? What are these chicks going to "find out" unless you either can't restrain yourself from telling them or some "adult" feels they have to tell these strange girls what you did at FIVE as some sort of punishment. Are you even aware of what "you" did at five? Or is someone telling you you did it?

no. for some reason i remember it clear as day.. I'm not sure why i just do :S

meh.. i guess i'll just have to get over it i suppose. i guess i was just over reacting.