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My LTR broke up with me. I'm devastated. And confused out of my mind...

Barrister

Master Don Juan
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Hey guys...

Past year has been absolutely amazing for me. I met a girl in class... And the attraction was pretty unbelievable.

I've never experienced a situation where both myself and a girl were so instantaneously drawn to each other.

Things happened fairly quickly... And at the very beginning she revealed to me that she was pansexual - having an attraction for not just men, but women and also trans men / trans women.

It didn't bother me... And I was totally cool with her having whatever she needed on the side.

Even though we considered the relationship open, we ended up moving in together. It was more of a business partnership because we really work well together (her and I are both actors). We were feeding off each other, helping each other out, really focusing on our careers.

One thing we discussed is that if she was going to incorporate someone else into our dynamic... Then I would really need to know about it first. I just wanted a quick heads up so nothing was done behind my back.

We also decided that we were not going to give ourselves the label. Not couple, not girlfriend boyfriend, not partners, nothing.

She said the first "I love you".. pretty quickly which was a bit of a surprise. I thought it hard to say back at the very beginning because I was trying to keep the relationship a bit casual I think. Eventually I warmed up to it and we really became inseparable.

After 2 months of living together she started calling me her boyfriend.

I followed her lead calling us boyfriend/girlfriend...

We basically had 8 months of what was absolute bliss. What was supposed to be open and casual turned into a really deep meaningful, sexually charged, amazing relationship.

We were quite truly in love with each other.

Then...January happened.

She didn't come home from an event one night. She spent the night with a friend she met there... And though she texted me throughout the evening, she did not tell me anything about who this person was, or what she was doing.

When she got home she revealed that she had her first girl experience. One night stand with someone she met at this event.

She thought I'd be happy for her.. But I was extremely angry because we agreed that we were discuss things together before she went out and did something. She started telling me how she wanted a pansensual relationship,.. how our relationship is going to change... etc. I just kept telling her I felt I was cheated on because she did this behind my back...

Her reasoning was she was "in the moment"...

The tension lasted for a while because I felt betrayed.. she broke the trust and the arrangement we had and I just really did not like it.

He also ended up coming out to her parents at this time.
.
That situation settled down..and then about 2 months later she comes home reeking of alcohol.

When I met her last year, she admitted that she was an alcoholic (had alcoholic tendencies)... At that time I told her It was a deal breaker.. But she confirmed that she would not be drinking anymore going forward.

So the entire time we've been together neither of us has touched a drink. Her, because she did not want to get back into alcoholism... And me, because I wanted to support her in that.

Again.. I got pissed. I didn't say much...until she came home every night in a row smelling like alcohol.

That turned into another argument. And I ended up hiring a relationship counselor.

The counselor's been helping... And for the past few months our relationship is gotten much better and healed from those two situations. She's drinking in moderation... And we came up with mutual agreement in regards to incorporating a woman into our relationship .

Everything's been absolutely fantastic. We even went away for the weekend a couple weeks ago and had an amazing time.

Then last week she comes home and tells me she's moving out and breaking up with me. Absolutely instantaneous.

She's spending a lot of time in town, found a really nice queer community, some queer friends, and she no longer wants to continue our relationship. She wants to be around them. She gave me all kinds of reasons, mainly blaming me for the downfall of our relationship.. The reason she came up with were just stuff that were in her head and not even real...

I practically lost it emotionally.

She said she wants to explore the attraction she has for women... And because she's in love with me... That prevents her from doing it. Moving out and terminating our relationship was the only thing she can think of that allows her to feel safe pursuing women and being with a girl in the moment.. without feeling like she's hurting me in the process.

There was a lot of arguing back and forth... But eventually it calmed down... And she told me she can only see me in her life as a friend with benefits...

I wanted her to move out immediately, but the place he's moving into is not available till the 12th. And she had nowhere to go. So I guess her plan was she was going to stay here until the 12th.

Two days later we sleep with each other... And for the next 4 days, her and I are acting like nothing is happening. Like we're not breaking up, like she's not moving out, like we're still madly in love with each other, like nothing different is happening.

Then she pulls away from me again... Tells me she's in love with me and can't do this anymore.

She's been trying to stay at various friends places in the meantime... Couchsurfing...etc. because she can't stay here with me due to how she feels about me.

I backed off completely and was so tired of the back and forth I just decided to put her in the friend zone. Basically supporting her with her decision to pursue women and the queer community, and just acting like a friend as opposed to a boyfriend. It's the only thing I could think of to keep My head on straight while she's living here off and on until she moves.

She has been messaging me everyday since... Just chit chat here and there, trying to catch up with me, find out what I'm doing, tell me about her day, etc.

A couple days ago she was supposed to come back... But she called me on video message and revealed that she won't be spending any more time here until the 12th... Because every time she comes back here and then she's leaves, it's like breaking up with me all over again.

Unfortunately I've not been able to keep my emotions in check and I have been an absolute wreck. All the back and forth, the confusion, just everything is messing me up completely.

I deleted her number, removed her from Instagram, TikTok, every social media following, every shared account like Netflix, anything that had her in my phone I've basically gotten rid of.

She has to come back to pick up her stuff over the next few days and I have no idea how the hell I'm supposed to act. Last time I saw her in person, she told me she was in love with me and was crying about it...

There's so much more details and what I've written above... But hopefully everyone here can get the gist of what's going on.

Thoughts, comments, advice?

TIA
OP,

I won't belabor what everyone else has already told you. This woman is quite clearly Cluster B and horrible for your mental health. Cluster B women become like drugs. The ups and the downs can be addicting and your mind can get absorbed into the cycle of having this mental upheaval to reunite and have amazing make-up sex, followed by a few good days/weeks and then repeat the cycle.

My suggestion is to contact one of her friends to get her stuff so you DO NOT have to run into her again. You need NO CONTACT now and to stay in it. Space is the only way you are going to heal here - so give yourself that. In the meantime, if it helps talk to other women and sleep with them. If it doesn't, take things at your pace.

Good luck, brother.
 

MatureDJ

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Your distress is due to you having no backup chick; if you had other options, you wouldn't feel so bad.
 

JustnTime

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Sounds like you are co-dependant, and she is taking advantage of yanking your feelings along all while (being honest about it,) telling you she IS going to cheat.

That is all poly-amorous means is she wants a green light to cheat.

You can't let go and move on when she keeps knocking on your door and you keep sleeping with her. Even though you said no to the poly-amorous you are giving her what she wants. You say no she comes over you two face then she goes and does it with others anyway.

You need to cut her out and go 100% no contact or else she will keep giving you more of the same and you will never heal
Keep thinking that in court it will all come out.
 
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