My Life of Non-Approaches Continued...

[Infinity]

I am freaking fed up of this. I have a completely ridiculous absurd fear of rejection. It is beyond explanation. I have posted on this numerous times under this name and others, but today was the kicker.

I went to the bookstore and I'm casually checking out some books. In just a few minutes, I notice a cute looking brunette browsing near the same section. I check her out and she appears to match my type to a T. Within a few minutes, I notice she has noticed me as well and is checking me out and getting glances at me. For about 15 minutes, we're hanging around the same general area pretending to look at books while we check each other out.

At this point, I'm 80-90% sure she's interested. She walks by me and heads to another area. I decide to really test her interest so I go on over to the cafe on the other side of the store, making sure to walk past her so she can see where I'm going. I'm sitting at the cafe for about 5 minutes and then, what do you freaking know, she walks right into the cafe section and sits at a table conveniently located right behind me where she can check me out and I can't see her. The buying signals are ridiculous. I'm making it obvious I'm checking her out and it's obvious she's checking me out. I get up a few times each time hoping to come back and actually approach her, but of course I'm chicken shyt!

My mind keeps coming up with stupid reasons not to approach. I decide that it is so obvious that we are interested in each other, a cheesy pickup line or question would be stupid. I decide I should be blunt and ask, "Mind if I join you?" But, of course I never get the balls to do it, fearing in my head that she would actually be the devil and ask, "Why?" I got up to order a cappucino after a lil bit and kept an eye on her, but she got tired of waiting for me to find my balls and left.

Now, I find myself telling myself: You're extremely handsome, tall, athletic, intelligent, and a charismatic charmer when you aren't feeling anxious. You could have any girl you want.

Yet, knowing all this, I still am afraid to approach. This girl today was so blatantly checking me out for about an hour that I was 99% sure she wanted to talk to me. Still, I COULD NOT DO IT! What the hell is wrong with me? I can't remember ever getting this many non-verbal buying signals for such a long period of time. Sure, I get girls checking me out all the time, but if I never freaking approach, what's the point???

I have mastered this site. I am the theoretical DJ. I know all the rules, situations, lines, etc. But I never get to apply any of it even though I am convinced of its effectiveness. I know that if I continue in this way I will be 30 years old and look back and hate myself because I was so afraid of rejection. I was sitting there in the cafe, knowing that I'd feel better to get rejected than if I didn't approach at all. So why don't I approach? I think the only way I'd approach is if a girl were to drop her panties in front of me and say "fúck me!" This is how bad my situation is.

I don't know what advice can possibly help me. Here's what I think I'm gonna do. On Sunday, January 25, I'm going to take a trip to a well-populated area and I won't come home until I approach at least 20 girls. I will make myself any girl that looks between 16 and 30 and rates a 6+.

Tired of being pathetic...

 

[jwhite17]

Dude,
Don't take approaching girls so seriously. It should be fun! And why limit to only the girls that check you out, if you see any chick that strikes your attention approach anyways.

I suggest you try to find someone who can already approach girls because then you will see that it doesn't require any of these tips, techniques and tactics to go up to a girl. It is all in your head, like Pook says, "As you think you shall become, and what you today will shape your destiny."

I use to be just like you then I finally approached a girl, and I realized after that encounter, it is not hard to approach a girl(It's all how you think!) and I was putting too much pressure on myself too do it.

Tired of being pathetic...

I hope you don't actually connect your happiness with approaching chicks. I have only met one guy who could approach chicks cold, and I know a lot of people. Most guys will never approach, so you are not alone. PM me.
JW

 

[nuttyaintright]

Ugh dude that hurts me just reading that. You are not alone though.

I'll tell you the same four words a buddy of mine told me to use. He was was right, its helped me at least get used to greeting strangers.

"Hi, how are you?"

I been in the habit of saying that to everyone that gives me a chance to lately. After awhile the words just come out on their own.

Some people just mutter fine or good, some instantly say good and how are you, then the conversation is open for you to keep it going. I can tell you one thing, noone has ever said anything to make me regret saying it. Maybe these strangers aren't so bad after all? Either way, its not a bad canned line i dont think, and its an easy start to a conversation.

Beyond that i don't know what to tell you, cause I'm still working on trying to keep the convo's going myself.

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

dude, you are 25 y/o and still have this problem and there is no basis for it? Seems to be a deeper issue involved.

Whats your address, I'll come over there and get a girl's number for you.

Will you explode if you ask a girl for her number - did you get the cold approach that I gave you? see 'effort' s thread iti's in there.

I think you are an extremely shy person - I know many people like this and it is just natural inbred passivity. You should quit going solo and start getting together with guys that are more sociable with women and just be part of the group converstaion as a starter and then get into an one on one conve with a babe.

Go dancing and say do you want to dance -- this is not a personal rejection, if they say no - so maybe you'll feel better and wont take it personal!!

 

[Lone_raider]

Maybe you are thinking to far ahead of the present moment. What I mean is, are you thinking to yourself I've got to get that girls number, ask her out, go on the date, not mess up, get a kiss close, and try to remember the DJ rules!?!?! Thinking about all this leads to second guessing, and hesitation, and it doesn't take hours, this can go through your head in15 seconds if your not careful!

So instead of running through all the possible future events, even the response she might give you, just focus on having a little conversation in the present moment, do not worry about the future. She was looking at books in the same section as you, ask her a question about a book, or ask her if she's read this or that book, ask her for the time, just say something! Don't worry about asking her out, or getting her number, just talk. If she is really interested, odds are you'll get more then a 1 word reply, and whatever her reply is you can work with that. If you somehow started talking about books, you could have said, hey I'm going over to grab a coffee, would you like to join me? Then you are sitting with her having a relaxed convo in the cafe. Then if you want, ask for her number or ask her if she'd like to get something to eat right there! But if you freak out at this point it's OK. At least you approached and had a conversation. Now the next time it will be easier, maybe you can get a date or a number then. Don't put to much pressure on yourself, it only makes it worse.

So don't dwell on getting a number from the first second, have a conversation, make a comment, and see what it leads to. Don't worry about any future event, live in the now.

 

[Infinity]

jwhite,

You're right. I'm taking this way too seriously. The 3 second rule exists for good reason. I'm going to use your "Are you single?" approach for a while until I get good at free-flowing approaches. I don't equate getting girls with success, but I think it is pathetic to have a girl check you out for like an hour and do nothing about it.

PuertoRican,

You're right. I am extremely shy. I have come a long way, though, as far as social anxiety and I just tense up in certain situations like approaching a girl. I don't really have a problem talking to girls, though, and I'm actually quite good at it at times. It's just the fear of rejection.

Lone Raider,

I definitely do need to live in the now. The funny thing is one of my favorite books is The Power of Now and I try to live by it, but I forget about that completely when it comes to chicks. I'm definitely guilty of thinking too far ahead. Your post got me thinking that I'm actually also scared of success. For instance, in my head, I think that if she rejects my approach, I can just make a quick exit, get in my car, and drive home happy that I actually approached. Whereas, if she wants to talk to me, I'm scared that I won't know what to talk about.

Everyone has given me good advice and I thank you for that. I'm going to start using the "Are you single?" approach for a while so I don't have to think of stupid approaches all the time.

 

[khanboy]

Dude, I know what you're going through, but I'm gonna tell you something that you don't want to hear, but will realize is totally true.

No matter how many posts you read, or how many times you ask for help, or what you are thinking, none of it makes a difference when approaching chicks. You could know every technique, every PUA, have all the "master states" and thoughts, but none will do anything. The only way to get over your fear of approaching is to approach. This means to approach when your head is SCREAMING "NOOOO! DON'T DO IT!"

I've always heard guys say something like "You view it all wrong" or "Just relax" or "Use my visualization technique to demolish all your fears for only 29.99!" What they all fail to realize is that being able to view approaching as easy ONLY comes through experience. There is absolutely NO WAY a guy will view approaching is easy, relaxing, fun, etc unless he has done it many times before. Honestly, do you think it's possible to read, or visualize something that will some how, some way, work so that tomorrow you will wake up thinking approaching is fun?

Things do not work that way. Nothing will rid your fear of approaching chicks other than approaching chicks. It is possible to relax when you approach, to view it as fun, etc. But only after you have done it enough times.

With that, I will give the opener I have used exclusively since I started, "Hey, How's it going?"

All the best man,
khanboy

 

[Infinity]

Originally posted by khanboy
Dude, I know what you're going through, but I'm gonna tell you something that you don't want to hear, but will realize is totally true.

No matter how many posts you read, or how many times you ask for help, or what you are thinking, none of it makes a difference when approaching chicks. You could know every technique, every PUA, have all the "master states" and thoughts, but none will do anything. The only way to get over your fear of approaching is to approach. This means to approach when your head is SCREAMING "NOOOO! DON'T DO IT!"

I've always heard guys say something like "You view it all wrong" or "Just relax" or "Use my visualization technique to demolish all your fears for only 29.99!" What they all fail to realize is that being able to view approaching as easy ONLY comes through experience. There is absolutely NO WAY a guy will view approaching is easy, relaxing, fun, etc unless he has done it many times before. Honestly, do you think it's possible to read, or visualize something that will some how, some way, work so that tomorrow you will wake up thinking approaching is fun?

Things do not work that way. Nothing will rid your fear of approaching chicks other than approaching chicks. It is possible to relax when you approach, to view it as fun, etc. But only after you have done it enough times.

With that, I will give the opener I have used exclusively since I started, "Hey, How's it going?"

All the best man,
khanboy

You're 100% right and that is what I realized today. I do need to just start doing it. And, that's why I've been out in the field. Honestly, I don't like your approach, though, and that's why I'm going to use the "Are you single?" approach. Here's why I don't like your approach:

Since I'm trying to pick up girls, why make them wonder what I'm doing by asking how they're doing. If they want me, they'll just want me to get to the point. And, if they don't want me, they'll say an awkward "fine" and look at me like a dummy for talking to them.

Great advice, though.

 

[Shiftkey]

Forget all the philosophical BS about aproaching and mindset and follow the 3 second rule. Once you make eye contact with the target, start walking toward her within 3 seconds. This way there's no time to talk yourself out of it. Can't think of anything to say? So what. You'll think of something once you're in front of her. If not, you'll learn something from the experience.

 

[Zircon]

Howdy Infinity,

I have been in the same situation as you for a while now...26...go-getter in every other aspect of my life, yet with women my fear of rejection takes over.

I have made some approaches, most of them crash and burn due to nervousness and anxiety, which translates into the worst possible body language and voice control.

I have been seeing a psychologist for 4 sessions now, and have learnt a lot about myself, although it hasn't helped me cope yet. I have realised that a lot of my fear of rejection comes from being somewhat negelected as a child. I cannot remember my mom or dad giging me a hug EVER for no apparent reason. I think most people experience this, although it seemed to affect me more than most.

In a session it is still hard for me to talk about my parents' affection for me. I know they love me, but something is missing, and always has been. What is basically comes down to, is that I am trying to replace my parents' UNCONDITIONAL LOVE for me, with that from a woman, and this is not possible. You cannot allow someone to take on this responsibility, because they will f*ck you up. Been there, done that.

I do suggest you go and talk to someone about your problem. You may find out a lot more about yourself, which you knew, somewhere, but somehow it never really floated to the surface of your mind. And whatever you do be truthful to yourself and to who is helping you, no matter how "ugly" or bad it may seem.

Let me know

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Dude - there are millions of guys that would love to be in your shoes - guys who are average joes don't even get eye contact from a woman - and here you are getting attention and signals galore and you freeze because of fear of rejection - what is it that you fear? Do not let women have this much power over you!! Women fear men and not the other way arounf!

I hope you don't get yelled at and slapped on your first approach,
you'll be ruined for life

 

[squirrels]

Originally posted by PuertoRican_Lover
I hope you don't get yelled at and slapped on your first approach,
you'll be ruined for life

I hope he gets yelled at and slapped on the next TEN approaches. Why?

1) He'll be able to LEARN more about how to deal with women, what he's doing wrong, and how to correct it.

2) He'll see that the world does NOT end when a woman rejects you, that it's not the worst thing that can happen in your life.

3) He'll come to grips with the fact that it IS possible for women not to like him, it IS likely that some of the factors leading to her decision are in his control and some are not, and it IS a definite that he needs to stop trying to control everything about the situation to his liking and just take a jump into the deep end.

Sh*t, dude...they're WOMEN. No matter what any person on this website tells you, women are NOT the most important thing in life. They're just another experience to add to your string of existence.

Try this: GIVE UP on being the cold-approach-master. You're NOT. Accept that. And then begin where we all do, with a smile and a hesitant "hello" and nothing more.

Pride is needy. It relies on the outside world to maintain it. Humility is free.

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

I concur squirrels - I take back what I said.

I hope you get slapped in the first ten approaches, for your own good, of course!