My latest frustrations

[DJHoolahoop]

I can't help but notice the difficulty I face when getting out there and trying to communicate with well pretty much anyone. Both girls and guys. People I'm interested in knowing and people I'm not interested in knowing.

I try to think of things to say and sometimes I just speak without thinking. I feel sometimes I try too hard and others I don't try hard enough. Times I talk about boring subjects and others where its a neverending spew of questions meant to invoke interest.

What one thing I have noticed amung all of these things is that I haven't found anything that "works" yet. There seems to be a level of communication that I am not at yet or more than what meets the eye. Its been really bugging me lately and I've been finding that everytime I go try and get better at this stuff that I don't notice myself improving that much. I feel that I can handle rejection pretty good now and that I can usually get a number from a girl, but I don't know where to lead it to next.

What am I missing?

 

[Ace of Flames]

Lol. The way you phrased your question makes it sound like a riddle. I guess it kinda is though, when you think about it.

Well first off, when you get a number, you usually call it next, in a few days. Thought that one would be obvious... guess not. Anyway, I think the best way to improve your communication skills is to just use them. Try to get into as many conversations with as many different people as possible. I find it easier to jump into a convo if you know about the topic. Maybe you don't have a lot of experiences in your life, and you can't relate to most of these other people and their convo's. That's a problem, but not one you can't overcome. Just listen to them if you're close by, and wait for something you can comment on.

Let's say the convo is about some restaurant, but no one knows where it is. If you don't know these people already, say excuse me or pardon me, to be polite, and go with "I overheard your convo and I know just where that restaurant is, want me to tell you how to get there?". If you do know the people, be more friendly and try something like "Hey, I've been there before. You guys need directions? Just go left at...." You get it.

My last suggestion: Spend some time with people that have great communication skills. You can watch them to see how they speak. Just take mental notes. Notice how they change topics, how they keep it interesting and light. People like talking to people who can keep them engaged in a story or deep conversation.

 

[crumpiteer]

I can't help but notice the difficulty I face when getting out there and trying to communicate with well pretty much anyone. Both girls and guys. People I'm interested in knowing and people I'm not interested in knowing.

I try to think of things to say and sometimes I just speak without thinking. I feel sometimes I try too hard and others I don't try hard enough. Times I talk about boring subjects and others where its a neverending spew of questions meant to invoke interest.

What one thing I have noticed amung all of these things is that I haven't found anything that "works" yet. There seems to be a level of communication that I am not at yet or more than what meets the eye. Its been really bugging me lately and I've been finding that everytime I go try and get better at this stuff that I don't notice myself improving that much. I feel that I can handle rejection pretty good now and that I can usually get a number from a girl, but I don't know where to lead it to next.

What am I missing?

# If something has to be explained, it won't work. It will only work if it's so simple that everybody says it's obvious.

# If an approach doesn't gel, don't repeat it. It's not that the approach is not right, but your thoughts are not clear or not thought through.

# And finally, don't start out by asking who has the right method in the DJ forum... Start out by asking yourself what is right. And you find that out by reading the posts here to dissenting, disagreeing opinions.

 

[DJHoolahoop]

Perhaps I aught to clarify a bit better. See I can make small talk from time to time and I can generally create alright conversation, especially when someone else knows where to lead it, but I don't have enough experience with it.

When I see old friends I knew from high school or am simply meeting someone new for the first time, I find that I struggle to find good conversation that isn't boring or "typical". I can sit there all day talking about School, work, movies, food + restuarants, tv, vacations, where they'd like to go, what their plans are for themselves, but my good conversationalist friend makes good day-to-day talk as those things I mentioned run out after a while.

My topics run dry and so do my conversations with people. Usually I feel like I'm getting somewhere with a girl, but the only kind of "feeling" I get out of it is that I'm either friend material or would make a good bf. Not that I have a problem with a relationship, but I'd rather be the guy that has fun and enjoys female companionship rather than needing to commit to one particular girl. Well at least in this stage in my life anyways.

I've been trying to "see" what it is my friend is doing that gets so many people listening to him and being attracted to him. For me now I've been noticing that saying hi and getting a number/e-mail isn't the hard part, its being able to talk past all the general stuff we talk about usually. Unfortunately that's all I know and each time I try to improve I can't seem to find anything or figure anything out.

 

[Ace of Flames]

Talk about your environment. If the location doesn't have anything interesting, go someplace with more action. Like a mall. You can talk about the people going by, or the stores, or the food court, or whatever. You can go in a shop and comment on different merchandise. Tell her a story about the one time you went to McDonalds and your friend nearly choked on a chicken nugget. Use your surroundings to your advantage.

Something else you should know. You don't always have to be talking. Just being together is fine. If you can handle being together without having to talk, you're doing well. It means she's comfortable with you. Then, once something comes along that you can talk about, go for it.