My ex-gf situation - need help

[Chris087]

I'll try to keep this as short as possible, but background info is necessary: CLIFF NOTES would be: dated a girl for 4 months, she moved home for summer, comming back this fall. Most everything she's said I honestly can't believe. We stopped communicating, but just recently she emailed me. What should my plan of action be?


Dated a girl from Jan-03 till University was done in May-03. We had a great time. Amazing girl. Never fought. When school was done she was moving back home (8hrs away) for the summer + wanted to break up with me.

She didn't know what would happen in the fall. Didn't want to tell me anything. I finally got this out of her: I am the most amazing guy she ever met + she knows she'll never find a better guy. She'd pick me out of all other ppl on earth to live on a desert island with, BUT, she also said as hard as she tried she could never fall in love with me. I never told her i loved her, but said with time, it *may* happen. She gave me all sorts of excuses like she thought she still might be in love with her ex, she was confused about life (school, family, guys), but she also claimed she never said she'd *never* fall in love with me. It sounds like i might have been pressuring her, but i was not at all. I personally think she was holding back our whole relationship b/c she knew she'd be moving home for the summer.

I also find out just 2 days before she moved, she hung out at a party with some guy all night, drove him home, and he went to kiss her but she backed off and said she couldn't do it (b/c of me). I feel she was trying to find someone to get her mind off me, but couldn't go through with her plan.

For 3 weeks we argued over the phone + email, things got pretty nasty, then we finally made up. I apologized for being an ass. She emails me back and says she's sick of fighting too. That was late May. No contact has been made until 3 days ago.

She just wrote me a friendly email, tells me how things are going with her, says she hopes things are going well with me, and wishes me well and says she'll see me in the fall.

I have no idea why she wrote this email.. Could be b/c she was lonely (it was on a saturday night), could miss me, could want to start being friends again, or more, or trying to make me miss her, etc. I have been trying hard to get over her. So far i've had no other serious girls, and as hard as i've tried, i miss my ex. She was amazing.

My plan of action right now is to email her back a friendly, but brief email + see what happens from there. If she thinks we'll get back together like nothing ever happened she's wrong. *If* she tries to get something going with us again, the first thing i'm going to tell her is that she has ALOT of explaing to do and ALOT of trust to rebuild, and she can start working on it from there.

What do you guys think? She caused me alot of hurt, but i really can't believe or disbelieve anything she told me. I do believe that she was super confused about things + I do believe she was holding back from me, which may have caused alot of the problems. Many times she told her friends that she wished she would have met me this fall, instead of towards the end of last school year.

I don't want to line myself up for more hurt. I'm not getting my hopes up with her. I'm trying to go on other dates, but so far its not going that well.

Thanks.

 

[DonJuanApprentice]

ok, let's go down the list:

you never fought, so I thiml that means you agreed with everything she said=problem

women KNOW they can find a better guy, you're fooling yourself if you think she's not looking.

she mentioned MAYBE being in love with her ex. HINT HINT!

she did NOT back off from that guy at a party, he was probably a DJ and stuck it to her. She felt guilty or whatever and told you she didn't, so there was no chance you would THINK to be mad at her.

she sent the email to check and se if the string she tied to your nuts was nice and tight. I suggest cutting the string.

your ex was NOT amazing, jsut certain things. You only remember the good things, not the bad.

you tell her that "you got a lot of explaining to do" and she'll just throw the ussual "I'm confused/you don't trust me" fit. you can't be logical with women.

This whole "so far it sucks" is normal. You're not going to find that perfect girl right away, it takes time. Get some patience and go out and look somew more. It's a numbers game.

 

[Bungo Pony]

What do you guys think? She caused me alot of hurt, but i really can't believe or disbelieve anything she told me.

So you're hurt and confused. Then you actually consider setting yourself up for more:

the first thing i'm going to tell her is that she has ALOT of explaing to do and ALOT of trust to rebuild, and she can start working on it from there.

Okay, understandibly you're pissed off at this girl for what she's done to you. I've got some news for you: GET OVER HER!

I don't want to line myself up for more hurt. I'm not getting my hopes up with her. I'm trying to go on other dates, but so far its not going that well.

Why are you leaning on her as your only choice at this moment? If you're single, she's not giving you any grief. You have to get used to the idea that you DON'T NEED a girlfriend to be happy.

If you don't want to set yourself for more confusion and pain, don't respond to her. If she tries getting in contact with you, cut her off. Eliminate this chick from your life. That is the only way to stop the pain she's causing.

As far as your other prospects, don't give up. Give the DJ Bible a good read and you'll learn how to get things to work in your favor. Giving up is for the weak; it takes a strong man to grab his own ba11s.

 

[GirlCrazy]

I suggest cutting the string.

Amen brother, and throw the scissors away just to be safe

And it is a numbers game after all. Instead of concentrating on just one, divide your attention among 2 or 3 (any more might get too hectic). Once you have several prospects going at once, you'll be amazed at how little B.S. you will put up with for any one chick. If one of your prospects shows any red flags (flaky, manipulating, attention hoe, drama queen, gold digging) then Next her and fill her slot with another, so that you're always working several prospects at once.

This is the best cure for oneitis, which you seem to be suffering from. It's also the best way to find the right girl for an LTR (if that's what your into) since sooner or later one of them will really stand out!

 

[Chris087]

#1 - she really was amazing. We never fought b/c we got along in regards to everything. If i said i was going out drinking with the boys, she'd say "ok that's cool, i'll go out with the girls and we'll probably meet up later", etc. We had so much in common, understood each other perfectly, etc.

#2 - I'm not solely relying on her. I've been working extra hard to find a new girl so that i get my mind off my ex, and i don't want her to move back and start a new relationship and me see that being single. I'm doing just what you guys are saying - I've gotten 6 #'s since she moved away, and that's pretty damn amazing for me. I'm currently working on 2, and I don't take any crap from the crazy ones. I've pretty much told 2 of them to F off already .


#3 - I don't really have a problem continueing to ignore my ex, but we were really great together, and I don't want to end something that *could* possibly turn out great. She may get back and i'll realize, "Yep, she is actually a huge focking Be-atch", but she may get back and she may realize "Oh Gawd, what have i done. I made the biggest mistake of my life leaving Chris"

 

[JustDoItAlways]

Managers and bullpens

Always keep a bullpen of potential girls working. (can't remember who came up with the bullpen idea but its a keeper.)

She was the number 1 starter in your bullpen for a while but she lost quite a few games in a row and is now number 4 or 5 on your depth chart of middle relievers.

Write back the exact same type of email she sent you. Like mirroring body language, mirror her email.

Middle relievers can sometimes make it back into the starting rotation but they have to bring down their ERA first and re-prove themselves again.

A good manager is always working on his bullpen. Looking for new starters and new relievers and he always lots of right-handers and left-handers and lots of different options to put on the mound next. He doesn't write-off an average pitcher when there is still some potential of him returning to the starting rotation through sending him permanently down to the minors.

A good manager would make a good DJ.

 

[Chris087]

Despite what most people are saying, I still have 4 options:

#1) Don't email her back. Totally ignore her
#2) Email her back like i planned. Friendly, but brief
3)Email and say nothing other than "thanks for the email / update on your summer" (she never asked "how's your summer going?", or "how are you doing" so why focking tell her)
4) Email and ask her exactly what her reason was for emailing me.

 

[Ronin I]

Go with #2. Give her what she gave you -nothing more.

The fact that she didn't ask how you were doing/what is going on with you, etc is not a good sign.

You don't want to overanalyze such things but such an omission can be considered a red flag indicating selfishness - food for thought.

 

[The Real Deal]

" What do you guys think? She caused me alot of hurt..."

Nuff said
Next


Advice of the day by DJA, "she sent the email to check and se if the string she tied to your nuts was nice and tight. I suggest cutting the string."

 

[squirrels]

What she told you about you being "amazing" but her "never being able to love you" sounds like a creative way of saying, "LET'S JUST BE FRIENDS." Did you ever have sex with this girl? It sounds like somewhere along the line, you became predictable, manipulatable, overprotective, insecure, or took on some other trait(s) that made you romantically uninteresting.

Either way, at that point, you should just DISAPPEAR from her life. Either that, or LJBF her too. But it sounds like you care too much to deal with her as a friend and find a new girl(s) at the same time. Maybe you should just move on...or at least back away and see if she pursues you...if she really does think you're all that amazing.

She asked for space, and you argued with her trying to win her back. Bad move. You just let her know that she can have you any time she wants you. Should've just given her more space than she knows what to do with. If she wanted to be with you, she'd come back.

Yeah, I'd just reply in kind...something brief to acknowledge that you got her E-mail. Either that, or don't reply at all.

 

[Cremasta]

Did she ask for any info about you? Doesn't look like it. Unless she explicitly states she wants some sort of response... don't respond.

This isn't game playing, she simply doesn't seem interested in you. You're not obligated to volunteer information about your life.

 

[Chris087]

No, she never asked me anything like "how's your summer going" or "how have you been"

She only said that her summer has been good, that she hopes mine is going good too, and she will see me in the fall.

 

[Bungo Pony]

Despite what most people are saying, I still have 4 options:

Okay, let's break down your options....

#1) Don't email her back. Totally ignore her

That sounds good. Go your separate way and move on with life. Engage in some new & fun experiences.

#2) Email her back like i planned. Friendly, but brief

And what would be the purpose of emailing her? Trying to be nice back to her? She really fvcked with you, why the hell does she deserve any kind of respect?

3)Email and say nothing other than "thanks for the email / update on your summer" (she never asked "how's your summer going?", or "how are you doing" so why focking tell her)

I see exactly where you're going with this. You're trying to make her curious, hoping to raise her IL. If you actually succeeded with raising her IL, you've set yourself up for more heartbreak. She already kicked the 5hit out of your heart once.

4) Email and ask her exactly what her reason was for emailing me.

This would be a method of starting an arguement with her. She'll just get defensive. Arguing with her isn't going to accomplish anything. If anything, she's going to end up tearing you apart even more. You don't need any more abuse from her, you've suffered enough. Delete her email address and give yourself some time to heal. That's the only way you're going to get through this one.