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My english roughdraft! check it out v.fatpeoplezzz

Kev07

Master Don Juan
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“You’re Fat”
Let’s admit it; we have all heard the saying that the United States is a country of obesity; even I was fat a good portion of my life. However, with all these hippopotamus’ running around, we fail to realize that the American standard for “normal sized” has been thrown off pitch and we really do not realize how many people are actually fat. The ignorance is even greater for teenagers who are still in school which can likely be attributed to the healthy level of self consciousness that most schoolchildren possess which is a motivator to keep them from becoming overweight. Not until I was hired for the most tedious job ever at The Home Depot did I begin to see just how many people are fat.
Before Home Depot, I would always hear about how those four to six hour shifts at work are horrible, so my two hour day shifts should be a breeze right? Wrong. Perhaps if I had something to do more than sit at a HVAC table all day waiting for customers to inquire about air conditioning, then work would not be so dull. However, boredom can be a great eye opener, and the people of America are passing by my vision all the time. Everyday at work I will see many fat people pass me by, but I don’t think much of it; it is almost as if living in America trains your brains to think that those ten to five hundred pounds is really just the norm, after all, healthy fit Americans are rare and far apart. There is one event at work that has ripped my eyes wide open, and that is what leads me to realize just how obese America is.
It was a sunny day at Home Depot, and the traffic of cows was good; of course, at the time I did not see cows, I saw people, until I saw her. She was huge, at least two hundred and fifty pounds standing at a height of around five foot five inches I estimated.
She was drinking a Starbucks Venti Caramel Frappuchino (I could tell by the tannish streaks along the cups circumference), and eating a doughnut. Now, I see people like her all the time at work (though she is a little far on the “Needs-to-Jog” spectrum), but something about this whale really made her stand out from the rest, and that was her baby manatee walking alongside her, baby being a relative term. The manatee was huge, I estimate she weighs at least one hundred and ninety pounds at a height of barely five foot one inches (for reference, I would estimate Mr. Hanley to be five foot nine, and weighing in at around one hundred and fifty), she was also drinking her Starbucks and eating a doughnut. What really stood out about this manatee was that she was wearing a tank top that would frame her figure, and a frilly skirt, judging by her age, which I would guess to still be in the single digits, her mother whale must have dressed her up; the term “Muffin Top” cannot begin to describe the horrors that my eyes witnessed.
Let’s go over why this is wrong on many different levels:
1. Obese kid.
2. Kid dressed like she is headed to get laid (pedophilia if you’re confused).
3. Fat girl wearing tight clothing.
4. Mother whale must have the horrible mindset of BBW (Big Beautiful Women)
5. Various combinations of one through four.
This event has directly lead me to mentally note just how many of the people that pass me by are fat, though I have stopped that since it would be easier to count how many of them are in shape.
Recent mental tallies give a confirmation that America is indeed very fat, which does not really surprise me much. What does surprise me is that the percentage of women who are fat is actually higher than men, I am surprised because always viewed the female side of humanity to be more self conscious of their appearance; I was wrong. At least four out of every five women are overweight, and at least half of those four can form a new species of elephant. Men are somewhat more able to keep fit, though not by much. Many will call me shallow or hateful, but I simply speak truth (hopefully motivational truth!), America is an obese nation, ----not sure if I want to add this in--- (There is not hate for fat people in me, in fact, I like fat people, they make for much less competition in many aspects of life.)




NOTE: Call this note racist if you want, but if I were to factor in Asian women to the mental log of fat cows, Asian women somehow beat the crowd. Whereas the four out of five American women are overweight (not including Asian women), four out of five Asian women are in shape.



Copyright 2007 by Kevin Duong

:rockon: :rockon: :rockon: :rockon:
 

diplomatic_lies

Master Don Juan
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The problem with that essay is there is no focal point. You're talking about obesity, but you are veering off track all the time.

You need to establish a few points to focus on, and write the essay around those points. "Obesity" is not a point. You need to be more specific. Are you saying Americans need to slim down? Exercise more? If so, focus on those issues.

The ending is also quite weak, as it doesn't really offer a conclusion.
 

Monaco

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Few things:

1) You overuse punctutation. Don't use so many semi-colons, keep punctuation as sparse as possible. Try to avoid those run-on sentences.

2) You keep changing voices throughout the paper. Sometimes you are funny, sometimes casual, sometimes serious. It really interrupts the flow and makes me wonder wtf is the objective/thesis of the paper really is.

3) I don't think being judgmental of other people's struggles will get you anywhere. Be more respectful, you're not writing this to your friends, its for a teacher and should be a tad more professional.

4) If i was marking this I would also say:
-you need to define what you mean by "fat".
-identify where you are getting your info from.

All I got out of this was some childish, unprofessional, bigoted work that really had no redeeming value or message at all.

ps: you posted it, i roasted it ;)
 
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