My Dilemma

[Knight's Cross]

Des,
Waive off. IF you have to make the pros and cons you've already decided mentally that this is not it. The weed, the smoking, the lack of sex drive. These are all huge flags. I understand it sucks to have to pull the eject handle. I'm sure you are vested in this, but my rule is 1 person, 1 chance, 1 lifetime. It sounds harsh but as my grandmother said, "girls are like trolly cars, there will be another along soon". Same for her. So get out there and find you another~
KC

 

[KarmaSutra]

Sure, bringing up "marriage" in a discussion like this is hyperbole, but it's still instructive to do so.

It's not hyperbolic at all.

It's habit. Habits are easily broken, which is exactly what we're trying to do. Perpetuating the myth that all relationships are meant to begin once a golden ring is slipped onto her finger is hyperbole at it's grossest exaggeration.

A relationship IS a waste of time if one of the parties believes they can do better/ deserve better. Plain and simple. It's not hard to meet new women, and it's MUCH easier to cut your losses and find a new girl than try to change her into someone that satisfies you. This is NOT about marriage- as Des stated, he doesn't want to marry again- but entering into an exclusive relationship with a woman you're really not into is just as bad.

Amen.

 

[Desdinova]

The weed, the smoking, the lack of sex drive. These are all huge flags.

Her sex drive is just fine. She's just not great at it. I love bringing a woman to orgasm, and I can do it multiple times in one night. She just has no clue how to push my buttons. Perhaps she needs a teacher

The weed and smoking aren't red flags, they're more like little 'annoy things' that she does. Would you ditch a great girl because she snores or leaves lipstick on your cups?

Red flags are things such as:

- multiple kids from different fathers
- sexually abused
- previous abusive relationships
- alcoholic
- depression
- history of abortions
- emotionally fvcked up
- violent
- ex-bfs as friends

5hit like this makes smoking look like a fart in an elevator.

I'm an ex-smoker and I don't like weed, but none of these are deal-breakers. Every woman I've dated smoked weed. I have yet to meet a quality woman who doesn't. Also, all the girls I've dated (since I quit smoking) have had the courtesy to smoke only in my absence which shows respect for me and my health.

Date a few fvck-ups and you'll know a real red flag is when you see it.

 

[speed dawg]

Alright Desidinova, I'll break this down from my perspective.

The cons that jumped out at me was the unattractiveness, the sex, the smoking.....well, I guess all the cons. But I'm kind of a negative mfer, so I always look at cons first. So let's look at all of them.

Smoking cigarettes. Well, this is a personal preference. I like to smoke a little myself. But I wouldn't want a chronic smoker around, for one I hope she has good hygiene otherwise. Not a deal breaker by any means.

Smoking weed. This doesn't bother me either. My only problem would be if she didn't let me hit it too. But again, we don't want this to be an incredibly regular occurrence. I mean, it's still illegal and all. Only you can make this call.

The last, and BY FAAAAR the most important: her looks and the sex. Let's face it, it's a big part of it, no way around it. Couple have sex. It's the point. Now, I like marriage and the relationship stuff for reasons that's shunned on this forum, so I'll stay away from that. But seriously, ten years from now, if you can't look at your girl and WANT to fvck her, then you need to get the hell out of there. If not, you'll get all fat, won't care about anything, etc. etc. etc. It happens to the best of men.

I don't think anyone on this forum can read your post and say NEXT or EJECT or whatever. Only you can make that call. Sex is a big part of life. That's my opinion.

 

[Colossus]

Colossus, you are correct that this isn't Ms Right for me, but I don't really think that there is a Ms Right for me out there. I'm a perfectionist, so I need to accept the fact that I need to be 'satisfied enough' at some point with the women I choose to keep around or I'm never going to get anything.

I hear ya. I'm not a proponent of 'settling', but I do believe one can waste their entire life searching for the myth of relationship perfection.

It sounds like you are relatively happy with her but you're also trying to rationalize staying with her because of your aforementioned doubts (the cons). I think I've been in your position before--where you know she isnt THE girl, but she is such a refreshment from your past women that you almost feel it's silly to let her go.

A dilemma indeed.

The key here is that you shouldnt have to justify your attraction to a woman. If you are conflicted enough to make a post about it, my hunch is if you dont make a decision soon, eventually she is going to want more commitment as they all do and force a decision out of you. Let us know how it pans out.

 

[st_99]

Honestly Desdinova every one of us are unique and have our own requirements and ways we look at the world and girls. For a lot of people pot smoking is a deal breaker no questions asked. For others, it would be crazy to dump a girl because of dope. So, only you can figure out whats right for you.

For me, I don't get high so I couldn't take a girl seriously who did. It would just annoy the crap out of me after a while.

 

[zekko]

It's the opposite, I'm actually quite impressed with her.

Okay, I didn't think that was really coming through in the original post though.
I agree with you that her good points are nothing to sneeze at, and are probably being too readily dismissed by some here. It's one thing to say those are givens, it's another to actually find a woman with those qualities.

It sounds like the main thing that bugs you about her are the looks. I assume you at least find her physically attractive on some level or you wouldn't be with her. But you'd prefer the excitement of a hottie.

The other thing is after being married so long (and reading this forum), you have mixed feelings about being monogamous, and want to live out the pimp fantasy.

It almost sounds like you are waiting for an opportunity to branch swing. Well hey, women have done it to us enough. You're really the only one who can make the decision on what to do.

One more thing, I agree the cons you listed are not red flags. To me, red flags are warnings of something much more severe, like a deal breaking personality flaw.

 

[thomz_amadeus]

The fact that you question the relationship says it all.

Six months left. That's my bet.

Cut the losses quick my friend.

 

[Desdinova]

Des in my opinion you never really convey specifically what this chick does for you...i.e. how does she make you feel about yourself...and, you seem to be basing many of the pros and cons on her socioeconomic status...

That's a very good point.

How she makes me feel? Well, I feel like I'm with a WOMAN. She's quite feminine, very caring, and willing to come and take care of me if I'm feeling 5hitty. I've never been with a woman who is like that. She always puts out the offer, but isn't pushy about it (and I don't feel smothered). If I were on my fvcking death bed, she'd probably put everything off and be by my side, cherishing every last moment.

She makes me feel valuable and masculine. She came by once when I was sick, cooked me a meal, and took care of my kid so I could get some rest. I didn't ask her to do it, she just did it. She fetches me fluids when I'm busting my ass around the yard. She'll pick up things that I need if she's on the way over, and she enjoys cooking meals. I couldn't imagine any of the previous women I've been with doing any of that.

As for her looks, she's kind of attractive which is why I didn't say no the night she asked to come over. She could have more potential if she worked on herself a bit more.

 

[guru1000]

Keep the relationship non-exclusive (I would overtly disclose this); and continue dating. In time, should she unequivocally prove to be a worthwhile contender, then you and she can discuss exclusivity.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Des,
In a way you are very lucky,if you found the perfect Woman,she might well lean on you to move in.That would end in real sadness...I think one Pro Karmas Girl has in Hearts,is her Civilising influence...I am happy for you both.

 

[Kailex]

Forget the pros and cons.
If you were that into this girl, would you be making a post here on whether or not you should keep her?
If you were that into her, would you even need a pros and cons list in the first place?

I'm wondering if you are so umimpressed with this girl, why are you exclusive with her?

I made sure to read every response, because I didn't want to repeat something else and my response was pretty much Zekko's.

No matter what is said after, I'd start there.

Making a pro's/con's list is something you do about a piece of technology you are about to buy or a car or anything else, but if you had to do it with a woman, then you probably don't want to stick around much longer.

 

[Desdinova]

I think I'm just content for now. I see her 3 times a week and I fvck my hand on the other 4. Sex isn't a huge priority for me. I'd rather be with someone I can have fun with, and she's decent at that. I'll probably keep her around until she does something to majorly piss me off, or wants more commitment.

She's not taking away from my overall happiness, so there really isn't any reason to eliminate her.