loving
Senior Don Juan
Guys its really eye opening for me to write this..
Somehow it came to me last night, that these were the beliefs I have about people.
Let me first open up a little and briefly, saying I don't have much social activity in my life, and don't do much to change that.
Looking at what I am about to write for the past little while, I noticed that these are my beliefs, I believe they are true, and based on my experience, I am in agreement with them.
I also think these beliefs are largely a part of what's keeping me back from meeting with people.
I don't know what I want out of this thread, but I feel a need to share what I believe is true for me, so here they are.
+ I am afraid of people judging me.
Not my body, not my clothes, my me. Who I am, how I act.. I don't want to be construed negatively in the minds of my peers.. Sure, they could think little of me for not being social, but in that case, little of the actual "me" is on the line there, whereas I "expose" my "self" when I talk to people.. I'm afraid of, and believe, that they won't like him..
+I believe that no matter what happens in a social interaction, it will result in a relationship between me and whoever else was there, that I do not want to have.
Let me explain this one, because it is a big one. It involves both men and women, and I will go into specifics...
Men - My experiences so far tell me there are two sorts of relationships I can have with them... One where they are lame people, and after our first encounter, I feel pressure to "have" to talk to them again for the sake of being polite, and they either share the same actual not wanting to talk to me, and so the interaction sucks (boring, uninspired, exchanging facts, little humour) or they are leeches and I know there is no way I will be able to have fun with them, but they won't leave me alone. At least with the first of these two, it was possible we both just ignore eachother.
The other type of male relationship I've had, is where I've been the loser I just described. The conversation is still dull, etc, but I am the one who takes value (instead of gives it) and leeches off the other. I can tell they are "too cool" for me and we end up in the exact same situation - neither is too happy to see the other.
The problem here (in both types of situations), is that it seems like a chore. So I really figure, why bother talking with guys, if it's gonna be a chore? If it's gonna feel lame, I'm gonna feel pressured to talk to them, it's gonna feel awkward, like it's not a good time, and like I'd rather be not talking to anyone than talking to them - why talk to them in the first place?
Then there is the all-illusive good time. I have had these before, but just like the other two cases (which are FAR more common), we have trouble getting to the same level or anywhere near it, of fun the next time. Perhaps this causes unfounded expectations in me of what it should be like, but regardless of why, these relationships all turn out the same way after the first interaction, and never go anywhere good.
Women - I see 3 sorts of situations here. First, and most common to me, is that nothing happens. Interaction goes poorly - like men, its boring, awkward, question-and-answer, totally uninspired, and any escalation feels weird. In these cases, I get no number, no good bonds, and its awkward next time we see each other.
Second, is the chance she blows me off entirely, we don't even interact. Hasn't happened to me before, but I gotta acknowledge it as a possibility, after all the stories I've heard and times I've seen it happen to others. In this case, don't really want to meet her again, so seeing her again isn't super awkward, because there is no real hope or expectation left, and most of the "want" (if there was any) has gone. This one was about being blown off from the start (which hasn't happened to me) but I have been blown off into talking to girls, and it is the same thing there, but a bit more awkward.
Its always awkward to see people for the second time, regardless of how well the interaction went.. And in that case, it really feels like talking to people is a chore I have to "get over with". Since it is not something necessary for the majority of my life, I don't really have to "get it over with" and so I just don't.
Lastly, things go well.. (this has never happened before) The way I envision it, and probably why I would be meeting new women, is so that I can get to know them, have fun, spend time with them... But looking on it.. I don't think that's even something I want. Because it spells out commitments. I am at a point in my development where I don't really wanna be bogged down by commitments.. I am taking a year off of school, got my "needs" pretty well taken care of, and it seems to me like if I get their numbers and we actually do interact more than once, that there is a chance they will begin to expect or want more of my time. That is not what I want though, I want to be living on my own schedule. I have heard a lot of, girls text guys, guys reject for spending time with her, after a few times, she starts rejecting him when he wants to spend time. I do not want the obligation of having to spend time with someone when I don't want to, and that's where it seems that interacting with women with a sexual intention goes to.
Now I did say a lot of "next time we meet". That is because, generally, the girls I've met have been from school. I still don't want to talk to random guys/girls on the streets for these exact same reasons: I genuinely cannot see it going anywhere desirable.
So I've realized all these things, maybe there's more. What am I supposed to do now? I believe these things.. And its carved in there, 100% backed up by 100% of my experience. I want some help with my social life, but having these beliefs, I really don't think I'm ready to take many physical steps to doing more, I just don't think anything will come out of it..
Somehow it came to me last night, that these were the beliefs I have about people.
Let me first open up a little and briefly, saying I don't have much social activity in my life, and don't do much to change that.
Looking at what I am about to write for the past little while, I noticed that these are my beliefs, I believe they are true, and based on my experience, I am in agreement with them.
I also think these beliefs are largely a part of what's keeping me back from meeting with people.
I don't know what I want out of this thread, but I feel a need to share what I believe is true for me, so here they are.
+ I am afraid of people judging me.
Not my body, not my clothes, my me. Who I am, how I act.. I don't want to be construed negatively in the minds of my peers.. Sure, they could think little of me for not being social, but in that case, little of the actual "me" is on the line there, whereas I "expose" my "self" when I talk to people.. I'm afraid of, and believe, that they won't like him..
+I believe that no matter what happens in a social interaction, it will result in a relationship between me and whoever else was there, that I do not want to have.
Let me explain this one, because it is a big one. It involves both men and women, and I will go into specifics...
Men - My experiences so far tell me there are two sorts of relationships I can have with them... One where they are lame people, and after our first encounter, I feel pressure to "have" to talk to them again for the sake of being polite, and they either share the same actual not wanting to talk to me, and so the interaction sucks (boring, uninspired, exchanging facts, little humour) or they are leeches and I know there is no way I will be able to have fun with them, but they won't leave me alone. At least with the first of these two, it was possible we both just ignore eachother.
The other type of male relationship I've had, is where I've been the loser I just described. The conversation is still dull, etc, but I am the one who takes value (instead of gives it) and leeches off the other. I can tell they are "too cool" for me and we end up in the exact same situation - neither is too happy to see the other.
The problem here (in both types of situations), is that it seems like a chore. So I really figure, why bother talking with guys, if it's gonna be a chore? If it's gonna feel lame, I'm gonna feel pressured to talk to them, it's gonna feel awkward, like it's not a good time, and like I'd rather be not talking to anyone than talking to them - why talk to them in the first place?
Then there is the all-illusive good time. I have had these before, but just like the other two cases (which are FAR more common), we have trouble getting to the same level or anywhere near it, of fun the next time. Perhaps this causes unfounded expectations in me of what it should be like, but regardless of why, these relationships all turn out the same way after the first interaction, and never go anywhere good.
Women - I see 3 sorts of situations here. First, and most common to me, is that nothing happens. Interaction goes poorly - like men, its boring, awkward, question-and-answer, totally uninspired, and any escalation feels weird. In these cases, I get no number, no good bonds, and its awkward next time we see each other.
Second, is the chance she blows me off entirely, we don't even interact. Hasn't happened to me before, but I gotta acknowledge it as a possibility, after all the stories I've heard and times I've seen it happen to others. In this case, don't really want to meet her again, so seeing her again isn't super awkward, because there is no real hope or expectation left, and most of the "want" (if there was any) has gone. This one was about being blown off from the start (which hasn't happened to me) but I have been blown off into talking to girls, and it is the same thing there, but a bit more awkward.
Its always awkward to see people for the second time, regardless of how well the interaction went.. And in that case, it really feels like talking to people is a chore I have to "get over with". Since it is not something necessary for the majority of my life, I don't really have to "get it over with" and so I just don't.
Lastly, things go well.. (this has never happened before) The way I envision it, and probably why I would be meeting new women, is so that I can get to know them, have fun, spend time with them... But looking on it.. I don't think that's even something I want. Because it spells out commitments. I am at a point in my development where I don't really wanna be bogged down by commitments.. I am taking a year off of school, got my "needs" pretty well taken care of, and it seems to me like if I get their numbers and we actually do interact more than once, that there is a chance they will begin to expect or want more of my time. That is not what I want though, I want to be living on my own schedule. I have heard a lot of, girls text guys, guys reject for spending time with her, after a few times, she starts rejecting him when he wants to spend time. I do not want the obligation of having to spend time with someone when I don't want to, and that's where it seems that interacting with women with a sexual intention goes to.
Now I did say a lot of "next time we meet". That is because, generally, the girls I've met have been from school. I still don't want to talk to random guys/girls on the streets for these exact same reasons: I genuinely cannot see it going anywhere desirable.
So I've realized all these things, maybe there's more. What am I supposed to do now? I believe these things.. And its carved in there, 100% backed up by 100% of my experience. I want some help with my social life, but having these beliefs, I really don't think I'm ready to take many physical steps to doing more, I just don't think anything will come out of it..