I've been going out with this girl (21, I'm 23) for nearly 6 months (she's been my longest) and so far things have been so good compare to my previous flings and hook ups.
She treats me like a king (as my friend says, kisses the ground I walk on) she doesn't go out clubbing or has a lil drink unless she is with me. Calls and txts me all the time without me having to initiate lately. She buys me heaps of treats and other sappy stuff and does all a typical good girlfriend does. To top it off she is on the same level of sex drive as I am.
She has high grades with physiotherapy, teaches lil kids how to swim, teaches aqua aerobics and regularly volunteers for charity events and camps. She has a very strong family relationship too.
To my horror she has revealed to me her rebellious past (compare to what she is now). She had a F-Buddy for about 6 months to which she had a threesome with his male friend. WTF!! She also had another threesome with her female friend and her friend's work colleague! After that she went on to sleep with her FB for a couple more times until she met a new guy and settled down with him for nearly a year. It was nearly a year they were going out until I "stole" her from him because he hasn't been in the country for over 4 months and was stuffing her around when he could finally be with her.
She lost her virginity at 17 and has only slept with 7 guys in total (4 LTRs and 3FBs from 3somes, her "rebel" stage). 7 guys is a very small number for a 21 yr old. But I just can't get over her little s'lutty stage. She explained that she was a real good girl back in high school who never drank, took drugs, didnt lose virginity until 17 when everyone else lost it at 14, worked her a'ss off and never pi'ssed off her parents. So I guess she was breaking out and had a "system overload" then got it out of her system. The main problem I have with her is her threesomes and her cheating (from her previous boyfriend to me)
I've been with a lot of girls and this one has been awesome. I am falling for her big time (which is a first) but I feel that the past is holding me back. I literally feel disgusted and can't touch her or look at her whenever I get a visual of what shes done.
It really eats me up and I feel like it is robbing me of a healthy relationship. I am sick of the old lifestyle I had before I met her because I was just sleeping with a lot of other girls and everything was just a mask to make me happy on the surface. Now I dont even think about all the useless things and actually got a better direction in life (DJing too much is actually bad for your WELLBEING!!!)
So please, I am asking advice from the experience DJs.
PS And NO I am not going to ask her for a threesome...I have worked hard on this relationship to lose it to a petty fantasy.
Did you think you were the first pimp she'd f*cked? Make sure she doesn't have any STDs. If there's nothing wrong with her sexing you, why would you have a problem with her sexing other dudes before you?
Shes nice to you cause shes afraid that once you learn what sort of chick she is you'l drop her like a rock.
Think about it bro you think she'd kiss your a$$ if she hadnt been such a skank early in life ?
It comes down simply to her female preception that now that she's getting older she needs some guy to attach to and raise a normal family so that her own family members dont treat her bad saying she never got a good man.
Now the choice is yours you can settle for that if you want or go find a chick thats your equal.
Another thing bro you managed to steal her from her LTR just because he was gone for a few months ........... whats to say she wont cheat on you if you go away for a few months.
Old habits die hard, people do change but not everyone. I could be wrong and she could have changed but only you can judge that. Goodluck your gonna need it with this one.
One thing you need to remember more than any of the advice on this forum is to trust your gut instinct.
If you feel at anytime that you cannot trust her then you must drop her like a bad habit.
A girl's sexual history in my opinion should be no big deal so long as it was a history before she got involved with you.
I understand about it kind of eating at your pride or whatever but yeah you just gotta remind yourself it was before you.
The real thing you have to worry about is her potentially doing the same thing to you that she did to her last boyfriend which is cheat on you with someone else.
Sowing your wild oats and screwing your head off with willing volunteers is one thing but betraying someone's trust is something altogether different than that.
So just keep your eyes open and be intuned to your gut instinct.
The good or ominous feeling it gives you about a person or situation never lies.
i can think of a ton of stuff in people's pasts that are way more horrible than this.
she had a few sexual adventures when she was a little younger but they are not her habits. she has a habit of staying with the same guy for at least a year.
so the one time when she was in a rut, and threw caution to the wind, is going to be held against her forever?
this is exactly why everyone lies about who they have been with in the past. once someone flips out about your past and can't stop thinking about it until they dump you, well, that is the end of the honest streak.
if it bothers you too much, dump her now, before anyone invests anything more in this relationship . if you choose to stay, then don't go back 6 months later telling her that her past haunts you.
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All her LTRS lasted for around a year. She has been great to all of them as well. She has regular test and never came up with anything. She does'nt suck up to me at all and only does things at the right time. The only reason she cheated was because he wouldnt come with her and was fooling her around and he wasn't going to be here for another year. She was trying to save the relationship but in the end he was making her more lonely...And yes I knew all the was happening and saw all of it as an opportunity (Yes I was once a bad boy stealing a lot of lonely gfs but I know now I have changed even though I know it was SOOO easy)
In the 6 months ive been with her I have never seen her pull a sl"utty move on anyone or even caught her checking out another man. When we are at the clubs and when I am away getting a drink or talkin to a friend...a friend of mine mentioned that she's always got her eyes on me and checking me out. She is crazy about me. She knows what would bug me and stays well away from doing it and hasn't done any since I met her (apart from always hounding me about all these girls chatting me up and wanting my attention).
Her own family members never knew about me either until recently. She stays at my place nearly the whole time while paying top rent at her own place she hardly goes to. She has spent a great deal of money on me even though she works low paying but respectable jobs such as lifeguarding, tutoring and teaching aerobics.
Don't you think she has done enough already? She wasn't being skanky just experimented I mean she was single and very sexually active then. How many very sexually active girls do you who is 21 and only slept with 7 guys? I have never seen her do anything skanky and certainly doesnt put herself in a situation that would lead to anything.
If she ever cheats on me we have already worked out a deal which could really destroy her life (tell her family what shes done, quit physio and etc which means lose her friends and leave) so she has basically put everything on the table that she wont ever cheat on me. And I saw the hurt she went through when she cheated on her previous ex and I dont think she would do it again. If we break up I have a lot of other girls to choose from and can move on...but right now I've got a good thing going and I don't feel the need to keep searching.
The real, primary issue here is how I can deal with her past and not let it affect me. I couldve done threesomes back in my day to make myself feel safe but I dont think that will solve the problem. I want to get rid of all insecurity and hang up over her past.
I'm trying to figure out why she would even tell you about the 3somes?
Its not like she doesn't know its going to eat you up at least a little.. trust me
she knows it bothers you.
Some things are better left unsaid and she also knows this.
She may be trying to sabotage the relationship.
I don't like it.
st_99 in following what Devane said it could also be she is not only looking to redeem herself and relieve her guilt by getting into a regular relationship she could be looking for absolution from Rudy as well.
It'd be like yay my man forgives me or thinks nothing of my past I guess it wasn't as bad as I thought it was!
I could tell you about my past which is not exactly sesame street. I have probably triple the amount of partners I had than her. I have still yet to experience a wild stage so I dont know what is going to happen in the future. I never said she was perfect but shes miles ahead of anyone I've been with or good girls I know. She was a good girl for a few years before and after her little stage. You may think that shes only trying to prove to herself that she's a good girl but HOW MANY OF US try to prove to ourselves that we are different?
Devane you've hit some good points on your post. But I just dont want to break up with her based solely on what she has done before she even met me while she was single. Everything else has been good apart from her past. I dont want to break up with her and then regret it badly later on.
Me too had the same problem as you. I found out that my GF likes to drink. I asked her to promise not to drink anymore. She promised. Problem solved.
Or it could be the fact that she totally wants to be honest with you and prove herself.
She has everything to gain by not telling you sh*t but a lot to lose by telling you the truth. She's proving her loyalty to you by being honest. Well that's what I think anyways. She probably thinks there's a chance that you might be long term material.
Then again if it doesn't seem right to you then just end it. No use dragging it out if your gut is eating at your other insides. =D
Man, there's no way I can say this "nicely" so I won't even try, but: dude, get off your moral high horse. This isn't kindergarten; & yeah, so what, she has a past... We all do, assuming you haven't lived some sort of sheltered life. If she is good for you as she is NOW, then the last thing you should do is hold her past against her. If you can't get past this, then you might as well end it w/ her now & save both of you the pain. Holding tight to the past is the most effective way to never being happy...
I dont forgive her at all for doing those things hence I am still bothered by it. She told me about it much earlier one before I even liked it because we were having a friendly chat about the craziest things we've done.
I always get into angry arguments over the same issue and she knows it will never be an easy road. I wish she'd never have done it, let alone told me because right now...I dont think it would've changed the way she treats me.
I was fine with that fact but as I am growing closer to her, her history is eatin me up more and more until I can find a way to make peace with sh"t.
Trust me I haven't told her "the Full Rudy TubeSteak" lifestory. I've got a ****load of skeletons in the closet. I've got no reason to judge her about her past before me and I should be judging her on what she is doing with me now.
Hey, I used to cheat on all the girls ive been with. I "broke" out of my repressed shell which was similar to hers but with more violence, self-harm and destructive stage rather than sexual. But I know I have changed for the better and thats why I only miss the old lifestyle not long to return to it.
She's shown that she has a lot more than anything to lose if she ever loses me let alone cheat on me.
By the way, Thanks to everyone who have put in their input and their support for a fellow DJ and showing their maturity that is rarely seen on this board. Once again...thank you very much.
Please keep the replies coming. They have been very valuable and I don't feel so alone now in this matter.
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I recently just broken up with a girl that was pretty much like this girl.
I gave her the benefit of the doubt and she promsied me she wouldnt go back to doing what she used to. Few weeks later, i break up with her because I find that she was heading her way to breaking that promise.
The only real way to find a "solution" to this sort of situation is just giving it a try, just always remember there COULD be a chance she wont keep her promise and she'll go back to her crazy ways, so you have to be prepared to walk away if it does happen.
Dont be caught offguard.
Yea I know what you mean. Her promise was kept as soon as she was done doing those things from her previous boyfriend and she's still kept it as of now.
I wont be letting my guard down and make sure I am not left out in the lurch if sh"t hits the fan.
I am sure everyone has done something bad in their pasts and regret doing it...but can you really be judged over something like that? I have done bad things in my past but it would be unfair to be judged harshly.
just out of curiosity - she is only 21 now. i hope you know her 'ego' will develop for the better or worse in about 2-3 years and she WILL be a different person then.
my question is are you looking at her as 'marriage material'?? If yes, in any case, things will change between the two of you. she could have been a prostitute in her earlier days, who cares.. thats the past, and its only fair to give her a chance. BUt I'm trying to throw light on the age factor here... she will change buddy.
my sincere advice: whatever said and done, don't fall head over heels in love with any woman. it will take you no where.:nono: remember we are logical and they are emotional.
all the best
uhhh... she has a past??? So what?... My fvcking mom has a past...
and from what you told us, thats not even a past. Thats like a pretty typical (for these days) experimental stage.
.....I wonder what she HASN'T told you though :crackup: ...a girl would always leave out the real mushy stuff. lol, sorry didn't mean to get you thinking.