Mr. R's First Field Report

[Mr_rogers]

Hey everybody,

I just got back from a local bar and I thought I'd write up a little FR for the sake of my own learning and to help others out. I'm also hoping to get some comments.

I'm new to the bar scene despite my age. I'm on a couple of medications that don't react very well with alcohol so I tend to avoid drinking too often, usually reserving it for special occasions.

I went to the bar with a close friend of mine. He's something of a DJ himself (though he wouldn't call it that) and I feel that there's a lot I can learn from him, so I often observe the way he interacts with people.

We got to the bar earlier than most to avoid the huge lineup. I had a single beer in that time which is just enough to give me a mild buzz which I find relaxing, helping me with my anxiety issues. My friend and I spent most of our time just drinking and talking with each other and some of his friends.

About an hour later I noticed a couple of girls that I knew the names of through a female friend. Figuring that was enough to make an approach, I went up to the girls, waited for a moment for an opening and then introduced myself. I asked them how they were and how our mutual friend was doing and excused myself a bit afterward. Right now my goal is mostly just to get comfortable approaching strangers, so a quick introduction, question and exit is perfect for my purposes.

After another beer (that I probably shouldn't have had) and a bit of conversation with my friends I decided that I wanted to get to know the cuter of the two of the girls better (I'd call her an HB8), so I approached her to ask if I could get her a drink so we could talk. Unfortunately she's one of the types that can't shut up for more than a few seconds at a time so she was bouncing around from this guy to that girl to some other dude and I couldn't find a moment to get a word in without rudely interrupting a conversation. She and her friend went outside a couple of times to smoke or get some air or something. I made multiple attempts at approaching the cute one but again I couldn't find an appropriate opening.

Before long the cute girl pulled some guy (who I'll refer to as hoodie guy from here forth since the only thing that made him stand out was his bright white hoodie), said something to him that I couldn't hear over the music while he stared daggers at me over her head and shoulders. I looked back at him, wondering why he was giving me such dirty looks. Once they were done talking, he marched right over to me, got close enough to speak to me and said, "Hey buddy, you're going to have to move." I asked why and he said that I was "creeping out all the girls and that I'd been following them around all night".

I was shocked, embarrassed and a bit hurt that my intentions had been misunderstood. I was careful to be polite and do as he asked but not back down like a *****. I told him that I had just been trying to speak to her and even offered him a handshake as a sort of peace offering. He refused to shake my hand, telling me that if I wanted I could wait until he left to shake his hand.

By this point I was even more upset than before, so I paid my tab and left. I came straight home and started typing this to help clear my head and to make myself feel a little better about the crappy time I ended up having because I'd let some random guy that I didn't know (and who wasn't even staff as far as I'm aware) tell me what to do and make me feel badly. I'm not sure if I should be more mad at myself for coming off creepy accidentally while trying to be polite and not interrupt, or mad at this girl for interpreting my presence as some sort of sad attempt at stalking.

Lend a brother some words of advice, guys. I'd like to hear some other people's opinions on this.

Thanks!

 

[Halloween]

You and hoodie guy got played like marionettes

OK, by the sounds of it it's probably fair to say you came off as a bit creepy. You probably need to pay more attention to body language. HB8 was probably telling you "no" with her body by, for example, looking at anything BUT you, moving away from you, keeping turned away from you, and so on.

Tune into these cues and you'll probably come off as less creepy.

But do NOT be hard on yourself. You were socially awkward but didn't deserve to be treated like that. If HB8 were cool, she'd ask, "hey, I noticed you trying to get a word in. How's it going?" But HB8 is not cool. HB8 knew full well you were trying to chat her up and, feeling mean, decided to create a show for herself by sicking hoodie guy on you.

To lighten your mood, consider this. You are lucky to not be hoodie guy. Here is a guy who's being manipulated by HB8 into messing with/intimidating guys who mean no harm.

He's a piece of sh*t, and he's not even his own piece of sh*t.

 

[brownbear.]

its hard to tell what you were doing without actually seeing it, what, exactly you were doing that creeped these girls out. i would suggest talking to your friend about it, maybe even try to find a wing in your area on sosuave that can give you pointers on what they think you're doing wrong.

i'm pretty new to the game, but i feel lucky in that i came in pretty socially adjusted, i moved around a lot as a kid and as an adult, so i was always meeting new people, i just had trouble translating that into romantic relationships. approach anxiety was pretty much a non-issue for me, so i really feel for you guys that have to deal with it. listen to what halloween is saying about body language, i've been studying that a lot lately, and its definately an area i need to continue to improve on because of how powerful i'm realizing it can be. its not only important to project strong, positive body-language, but you have to remember to read and pay attention to other peoples body language.

read as much as you can stomach on the subject, then go out and just observe people for a while. look at people interacting with each other, can you tell who is having a good time? who likes each other? who's bored?

most body language takes place from the neck-up, in my opinion. things like eye contact, a natural smile and tonality are HUGE in my limited experience.

also, how do you FEEL when your going out and approaching women? do you feel confident in the way you look? are you dressed well, neatly groomed smelling good? are you happy with your physical appearance?

also, energy levels. chances are, if this girl is as high energy as you say, your approach needs to be pretty high energy. if she's jumpin around going crazy, and you come in low-energy, waiting for your "turn" to speak, minimal smile with a monotone voice asking mundane questions, chances are you'll come off as a little creepy. you can't just stand in a group of strangers without saying anything, they'll wonder; a. who the f#ck you are and b. what the f#ck you want. DO NOT just stand there staring, and it'll just get worse and worse by the second. say something, ANYTHING. lately i've been toying with purposely starting dead-end conversations (i.e. have you ever been to utah?). i'll chat about the canyonlands(which are awesome btw), ski mountains, mormons, whatever for a while, then as soon as i feel the conversation hitting its inevitable lull, i'll say something like; "nah, i don't actually give a sh!t about utah, i was just looking for an excuse to come over here and talk to you. i'm brownbear, who are you?"

years ago i used to wait tables for this real eccentic restaurant owner in california, older hippie-type dude, but a real cool guy. whenever we would come in a little hung-over or bummed out, he would give us the advice to picture ourselves as captains on a cruise ship or a duke, and all the customers were our honored guests at a fancy ball, just to keep a positive and hospitable attitude.

me and my co-workers took this idea and played around with it alot and had fun with it(basically making fun of the owner, mike, but taking it semi-seriously at the same time). one day we would be the benovolent dictator, then another, the little league coach(which led to me occasionally calling fifty year-old men "champ" or "sport", lol), sometimes we would just do as shameless an impression of mike as we could get away with. two things these mind-states always had in common; 1. having a position of unquestioned authority. 2. always coming from a place of positivity.

one day i hit upon a gem that seemed to increase my tip ratios, and i don't know why i haven't thought to apply this concept to seduction until now. the waitresses had trouble with it, but every other waiter loved this idea! if you tell any waiter this tip, he'll probably love you for it. just picture every table as a beautiful woman the morning after a night of giving her toe-curling orgasms! it gave me a playful, relaxed vibe with a little bit of a mischevious smile and a twinkle in my eye, it made people people feel as though i had a little secret, and they became genuinely interested why i was so goddamn chipper all the time.

you get to choose whoever you want to be, the other person doesn't know you from a f #cking hole in the wall, who are they to say you aren't congruent?

hope this helps buddy, stay positive, remember there are worse things in life than not getting laid like a rockstar every night.

don't give up, it'll take some time to improve

good luck bro,
brownbear.

p.s. f#ck that guy in the hoodie!! i'm a naturally confrontational, but even if you aren't, you can't be taking sh!t from people. i would have stayed calm, told him to f#ck off in the most non-chalant manner possible, and gave him the cold, dead stare, until he either walked away or escalated the confrontation, most people avoid a conflict where possible.

 

[Mr_rogers]

Thanks a bunch for the responses so far. I'm already feeling a lot better about it than I was last night.

I totally agree with you guys that I need to pay more attention to other people's body language. I'm pretty conscious of my own, but sometimes I'm so busy making sure that my arms aren't crossed, that I'm smiling in a friendly but not scary way etc that I miss obvious signals. Now that I think of it, after our initial conversation, HB8 didn't once make eye contact with me, and had her back to me about 80% of the time. I should've taken the hint, but I think I was letting my frustration get to me. Oh well, live and learn, right?

I agree with Halloween that this girl's probably a bit of a drama queen, though. Sicking some random guy on me seems like a bit of a severe reaction, though I suppose that's women for you.

As for brownbear.'s question about how I felt, last night I was feeling good. When we'd first got to the bar I was a bit nervous but after getting a beer into me and settling in to my surroundings I was perfectly confident. I was dressed in modern, cool clothes (I like the colour black, though I'm careful not to dress in it head to toe because that gives one a weird Goth kind of look, especially with my fairly pale skin), I was smelling good. I'm generally not completely happy with my body as a whole (I'm a bit thick around the middle, though one would never guess unless they saw me without a shirt on) but otherwise I'm fine. I'm around 6'1" tall with fashionably short hair (I don't gel it because I hate the feeling of having my hair stuck in one position all the time). I wear glasses, but they totally suit my face (I've been told this from a lot of people) and can take them off if I want. I'm not totally blind.

Finally, I've heard from a few people now that they would've have just backed off when hoodie guy tried to start ****, but I wasn't feeling particularly confident that I'd win a confrontation at that moment. My friends were nowhere to be seen as I'd split off from them to talk to the HB8 and he was with a rather large group of guys and girls who were celebrating somebody's birthday party. If things had escalated to a physical confrontation I'd have been outnumbered, though I'm sure I could've killed the guy one on one.

Thanks again for the posts everybody!

Keeping my chin up!

 

[brownbear.]

not to be a d!ck, but i just noticed that you joined two years ago and this is your first field report?

whats the hold up man?

 

[Mr_rogers]

not to be a d!ck, but i just noticed that you joined two years ago and this is your first field report?

whats the hold up man?

Well, when I first joined I was so anxious in social situations that I could barely talk to anybody that wasn't an adult, let alone go to a crowded bar with friends to try and meet chicks. I've spent a lot of time over the last couple years experimenting with various prescription medications to help me deal with my natural anxiety that don't give horrid side effects. I can't blame it all on my issues though, and I will confess to not being motivated enough to truly get my ass out there until recently.

The way I see it though is that it's better late than never and now that I'm trying, I won't be stopped.

 

[brownbear.]

The way I see it though is that it's better late than never and now that I'm trying, I won't be stopped.

thats a great way to look at it man, as long as you're still breathing, it's never too late for a second chance.

action, action, action. i applaud you for actually getting out there and doing it rather than complaining about your anxiety and rationalizing why its impossible for you(and only you) to meet women, like some people on this site(*cough* capedcrusader)

just keep going out there and trying, it'll get easier in time with a little dedication and practice, just like anything else in life.