MOving on from an intense relationship

[Heretolearn]

Now, regardless of who broke up with who (have been in both places), sometimes when you break up from an intense relationship, I have found it really hard to move on.


In terms of you recognise it was not going to work longterm but you are tempted to take her back (justify it a number of ways). It probably comes down to loneliness or whatever.

Anyway, was just thinking today that I have been doing well but for some reason am still struggling to close the wound I have. Its like the wound is open and I have treated it by covering it but its still there.

How do you treat the wound after a breakup so that if the person came along you can happily say 'go away!'.

Meeting someone better is one option but what are other options?


*I know the answer is get self respect/self esteem etc but looking for more practical detailed responses please.


Thanks

 

[darkstarrr]

I'm smiling how you are updating us because I sort of did the same thing a few months ago, and even still most of my posts these days are still flavored with what I went through.

The only thing you are going to be able to do is keep venting. Learn from what happened and understand that there are millions of people who go through this and that you will be fine.

As time passes you will gradually feel better.

When you get to the point where you are able to actually think about all the different ways you can improve yourself both physically and mentally, then you will have reached a milestone in getting past this.

I know its hard trust me. It sucks. But it is part of the world we live in and you have to collect yourself and accept that.

Read my 12 step guide inside the other thread about te guy who felt like he was too afraid to break up with his current girl. Following those steps is what gradually helped me to heal the wound, as well as venting on here about my experience.

Good luck.

 

[Heretolearn]

especially as the last thing I want after a bad relationship is to risk it again with other girls. Gah.

I think keys are getting out of your old lifestyle and finding something else. I mean people say it takes time but that to me is correct yet lacking. Because what are we supposed to do, wait around for the clock to hit 'healed'. So what do you do with this time?

I have applied myself to fixing/cleaning my place up and my hobbies. Plus sleeping/movies a lot more. The latter is when I feel like I have no energy but the funny thing is that I end up with less energy after too. Being active helps so much no matter how hard it seems at first.

 

[Heretolearn]

I'm smiling how you are updating us because I sort of did the same thing a few months ago, and even still most of my posts these days are still flavored with what I went through.

The only thing you are going to be able to do is keep venting. Learn from what happened and understand that there are millions of people who go through this and that you will be fine.

As time passes you will gradually feel better.

When you get to the point where you are able to actually think about all the different ways you can improve yourself both physically and mentally, then you will have reached a milestone in getting past this.

I know its hard trust me. It sucks. But it is part of the world we live in and you have to collect yourself and accept that.

Read my 12 step guide inside the other thread about te guy who felt like he was too afraid to break up with his current girl. Following those steps is what gradually helped me to heal the wound, as well as venting on here about my experience.

Good luck.

Thank you, i made that other post before yours had come up.

Really appreciate your help

 

[darkstarrr]

What you are going through is normal. And you are right staying active does help. When you were in that relationship what did you normally do in your free time? Keep doing that stuff. You are still you, even though it is over, as painful as it is, I know.

I was completely nuts for 2 solid months after mine ended. Don't hold it in you have to be able to let out the emotions you are going through. I'm not talking about just on here, when you are by yourself you have to be able to mourn in different ways. Get it out of your system and know that in a few months you will be a new person like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly. It ain't gonna be pretty for a little while longer but don't worry.

Follow the steps I told you about. You will meet someone else.

 

[Heretolearn]

im about 2 months out of a bpd relationship and im sure u guys know how intense those are.

I'm ALOT better and things that helped were helping myself realize what the reality of it all was. Another thing was the BPD basically gave me No possible way back into her life which was i guess really good for me and helped make no contact alot easier. she told her friends i beat her, her 2 older brothers i beat her, and eventually when my family tried to talk to hers about her BPD she told them i beat her and then i was forced to go no contact by my family and hers. She then tried to contact me once and i didn't respond.

I talked to alot of my friends and they gave me scenario's of her going back to me and asked if i would get back with her.... i kept saying yes until about 4 days after we broke up for good, she got another bf... then a week later i asked her and she basically said she already slept with him.... After spending time by myself and not going out and playing games.... i beat gears of war 2, call of duty 5, and left 4 dead all of them in about a month.... i talked to my friends through the phone and just thought alot....even though i loved this girl..... i couldn't look myself in the mirror and be able to still call myself a man if i got back with her after she did something like that..... my friends still call me an idiot because the only reason i gave up was because she slept with someone else but i don't care anymore as long as im moved on...

for about a month all i felt was sadness, anger, and pain.... slowly i started getting all the normal emotions back, and even was happy. not from meeting girls but from other things. now almost finishing up my second month which will be next week... i have been going out alot more... clubs/bars/malls/gym/snow boarding but i still stumble across her facebook page every once in a while. once or twice a week. i see pictures of her and her new BF and they seem really happy together and it gets to me for a few seconds but then i realize what i got out of and i just go back to my normal self and move on...

i've never been out of a relationship where the girl finds another guy instantly and not only that lets u know that they've already ****ed.... that got me real good.

i go out and am content but not really HAPPY.. im just glad to be normal again. i try to do approaches but rarely get any out sometimes because of AA and other times just because i really don't want to.. i'll just go to a club and chill almost the whole night unless a girl ask's me to dance or a friend.

But just getting back in normal routines before my relationship is going well for me... i gained almost 40 pounds in this relationship going from 160-197

i've been an athlete my whole life but during this 1 year ltr i didn't go to the gym once or work out. i went from benching 250 max and running 7 miles a week to barely lifting 180 and i haven't started really running yet.



mainly i think venting helps but not all the time.. focusing on my life and how to take steps forward or attempting to takes steps forward instead of taking steps back or standing still has whats been helping me.... and occasionally maybe a few times a week when the pain comes back for a short while i will make a post about this since most my friends are tired or hearing it and know that i am past the storm.



have you been past the anger/constant pain/ and HATE stages yet? or is that just for bpd recovery?

Wow, thanks for sharing.

First, to help you. Well done. You are getting there. I think the first aspect of ending a relationship is to address what you gave up/missed out on that you value. Eg. fitness is a big one for guys. The girls love us fit guys but then slowly complain that we do not spend enough time with them blah blah blah.

So get into the BEST shape of your life! I mean that!

As for dating/bars. Man, not my thing. To me it is a constant reminder of how i got into this place to begin with and how silly girls can be lol.

I believe to take stock of your accomplishments, self, values and goals then work towards them. Eg. you say you were an athlete. Thats awesome. What were some of your best memories. How did it make you feel? What about pushing yourself again to look in the mirror with pride? Maybe even teach/coach your sport to help others. PLENTY of things to do.

1st thing though IS DELETE HER FROM FACEBOOK and any other communication tool. YOU DO NOT NEED TO TORTURE YOURSELF. Like me, I am allergic to ice cream so I AM NOT going to flick through the ice cream brochure when it arrives in the mail. NO MATTER how much I may want it now iT IS NOT GOOD FOR ME. I can get that feeling from other things which ARE good for me.

Do this!!!

And well done for coming this far, but time to really focus and improve. Its up to YOU now. You are in charge of YOU


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Now as for me
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Talking the talk and slowly beginning to crawl ha ha. Yeah, just hit the angry phase. Feeling angry at her and all her friends for fueling this decision for her. I mean I can SEE the train wreck that is going to occur for her and am frustrated that I COULD NOT STOP IT. But hey, I did everything I could. The good thing is that at least she jumped in the drivers seat of her train so no matter what happens, its her life. I am off that train. NOTHING to do with it anymore. I think that is the problem when you are so attached to helping someone versus just living and enjoying. Taking things as they come along.

So I am going to focus this anger towards carving myself out stronger and happier.

I have focused on my place the last little while. Doing all the little jobs. Many more but so much progress and a great sense of satisfaction with the completion of each task.

A wonderful feeling. Also returned to the gym and going today again. A nice feeling of blood coursing through my veins. A hit of adrenalin that I have missed and comes from a better more reliable place than the mood of a female

Good luck my friend. I need it. You need it. Its just about getting the support through this. Over time we all realise what is best for us if we stay strong to what we really want in life.

All the best and keep me posted if you like